Anonymous wrote:Each other. Once you divorce the lights come on and it’s not “sexy” or fun when there’s no sneaking around and he has to see her 24/7. Less than 2% of them continue.

This. You don’t have to do anything OP. Just let them be and give it time. I couldn’t believe how quickly my ex H and his AP broke up after going “legit”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As per chump lady, affairs need to be exposed. Where OP does it, is upto her, but I wont judge her for feeling what she is feeling. Betrayal sucks the soul out of a person-signed, BTDT

Frankly not a fan of chump lady. She's got one tune, and one tune only.

love her. very real and very funny. Really exposes how stupid and narcissistic cheating is. maybe this is the reason you don’t like her tune?

NP here and her site was suggested to me when I found out about my now ex's affair. I didn't find her site all that great either but I've posted many times about this here. I decided from the get go that it didn't ultimately matter why my ex did what he did and that I didn't necessarily need to understand him. I needed to understand myself and why I brought someone like him into my life and why I stayed for so long knowing I did not love him and that our relationship was terrible. Too much focus on the behavior of the cheating spouse. I think most of us can agree that cheating is cowardly and that cheaters have their own serious issues and that they lack a clear moral compass etc... at the end of my day I have to live with myself and work my way through the carnage he created when he blew up the marriage. Endless discussion/reading about cheaters' NPDs isn't ultimately helpful. It's helpful to get educated about it and then work on yourself so you don't end up with that kind of person again.

There was an old DCUM thread where the husband cheated with a coworker and produced an affair baby. The wife wrote about going to the AP’s house and popping some ballon decorations IIRC.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a bad road to go down.

Act with dignity. For the sake of your children.

No good will come of what you want to do.

Never, ever tell a betrayed spouse to "act with dignity" That is insulting and frankly a patriarchal trope to make betrayed wives keep their mouth shut to their husbands indiscretions.

Oh hush with your white woman feminism! Chasing after the AP to punish her is the epitome of patriarchy and has very little benefit to op and her kids and is a huge risk. Acting with dignity aka being an adult is the way to go.
No risk at all to op and the kids that way.

Girlllll .. This was a read. 🔥

Translation of OP's post:

"I'm a betrayed spouse. My kids will be upset when my spouse and I divorce, so I want to make them even more upset by destroying their positive feelings about my spouse, and I want to wreak havoc on the emotions of the fair partner's spouse and children too."

Maybe OP contributed to the spouse's decision to cheat. Maybe not. Either way, OP attitude now is not going to help anybody. Not OP. Not OP's kids. Not the other family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As per chump lady, affairs need to be exposed. Where OP does it, is upto her, but I wont judge her for feeling what she is feeling. Betrayal sucks the soul out of a person-signed, BTDT

Frankly not a fan of chump lady. She's got one tune, and one tune only.

love her. very real and very funny. Really exposes how stupid and narcissistic cheating is. maybe this is the reason you don’t like her tune?

What helped me the most was to turn the AP into a nonentity. I have zero interest in her or what she is about. If she wants to take on this wreck of a man, have at it girl. $hitty alcoholic husbands don't become better people with new partners. I imagine there's some broken furniture and possibly some bruises in her future, whereas for me, that's all in the past.

It is 💯% understandable OP that you would want your husband’s affair partner to suffer negative consequences of their affair since it has or will completely disrupt your entire family. 💔
Anyone would be very angry at her actions & would seek revenge or malice out in order to settle the score.

But doing so will be focusing on the wrong thing.
Place your focus on your children as well as yourself.
Do not allow your anger ➕ resentment to cloud your judgment on how you proceed.

Good luck!

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

Watch She Devil with Roseanne Barr. It’s a great movie on breaking up the affair! I would start by having my kids spend a lot of time with STBX. Kids will kill the romance really fast. Maybe send STBX an anonymous note at work saying you’re a coworker, know of the affair and are going to report them to HR. Maybe also say something like he’s the third guy at the company AP has slept with.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I caught him, feigned the I love you and I will change talk.

Therapy for 1 year and vasectomy to show he was also committed.

Divorce.

Having a new baby would mostly hurt him. That's 18 more years of working to support it, after splitting half their assets with OP. It would be the ultimate karma fit his cheating. Have fun with sleepless nights and diapers and a new 529 plan.

It’s terrible for the other children.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a bad road to go down.

Act with dignity. For the sake of your children.

No good will come of what you want to do.

Never, ever tell a betrayed spouse to "act with dignity" That is insulting and frankly a patriarchal trope to make betrayed wives keep their mouth shut to their husbands indiscretions.

No, your opinion and feelings are invalid. Don't presume to tell me what to do. I am right, you are completely wrong. It's always best to behave with dignity. Shame on you. Shame. Shame.

It dignified to speak the truth and condemn evil.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I caught him, feigned the I love you and I will change talk.

Therapy for 1 year and vasectomy to show he was also committed.

Divorce.

Deeply messed up

lol sorry your AP dumped you, not sorry.

You are still so screwed up. Should have spent all that money on real therapy.

Your boyfriend threw you under the bus.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Told her husband. Said my piece to her face. Got closure. Her husband divorced her.

Facts are facts. Nobody should feel bad about stating what someone did. Period. There is this weird cheater mentality of trying to make the betrayed—the victims- out to be bad for ratting them out. That’s Grade A gaslighting.

Do what YOU need to do for your own closure. Don’t worry about the outcome, e.g., what happens to her after you tell. Shut that book tight. It’s over. Move on with your fabulous life. Living well is the best revenge.

Transparency and honesty are always the best- even when painful. Don’t ever let a liar/cheat make you feel bad about exposing their deceit. Actions have consequences.

On the flip side I know someone who told the AP's spouse and they didn't care. That was way worse than if she hadn't spent the time and energy trying to take down the AP because it came to nothing. Let it go, OP.

You don’t tell the other betrayed spouse to “take down the AP”. You do it so that they have the truth. What they choose to do with that information is their business.

That's literally what OP is aiming to do here?

I'm not going to clutch my pearls; your feelings are totally normal. It's universal to feel schadenfreude when scuzzy cheaters get their comeuppance.

But the sucky thing is that you cannot control this. How can their hearts break when their hearts are shrunken little underdeveloped things? They're like that gross little baby Voldemort when Harry killed the part that lived inside him. If they had nice, big, healthy, normal hearts, then they wouldn't do the dumb shit they're currently doing.

But having a shrunken little Voldemort heart as you go through your one precious life is pretty good revenge. They're the pathetic heroes of a Greek tragedy. They could have had great lives, and instead they've torpedoed everything they ever truly loved. Are you getting my drift?

The other betrayed spouse and I did team up; it's how we uncovered the affair. And I used my knowledge of his custody schedule to trick my ex into getting on opposite weekends with his girlfriend. It's now been a whole year of opposite weekends and every few months my ex will say, "Oh, I am hoping we can switch our weekend schedule," and I say, "Oh, why? What problem are we trying to solve?" and he runs away like a coward, unable to say the words, "I want to have weekends with my girlfriend." His guilt and conflict avoidance are that great. I also have a theory that he doesn't actually want to spend all his weekends with her, but he can't tell her that obviously.

And everything else in his life is similarly terrible. He's a walking Greek Tragedy. He bought an expensive house four days after he suddenly left me, and it has a flooding problem and smells weird and he lost power and heat during the blizzard. The dog joined the efforts and keeps peeing on his rugs. His children now despise him and call him "that guy" and [first name] instead of Daddy. He developed this medieval skin wasting disease and all the skin on his face fell off. Literally one month after he left me (my doctor thinks it was probably triggered by moving into his new house), whoosh, there went his face skin. He's gone from "drinks a lot" to alcoholic territory. His AP-turned-girlfriend is a terrible person who emotionally abused her ex and has never once admitted to the affair, even though my ex confessed, lol. He told her he didn't want to be tied down and forced her to "date casually" so he could see other people, and he sexually harassed a friend of mine thinking she would hop in the sack with him. The girlfriend wisely joined the "Are We Dating the Same Guy?" facebook group. She went from married to a nice, sober, Christian man, to agreeing to let her cheating, alcoholic boyfriend with no face-skin see other people. Congrats?

So look, I hope all the skin on your stbx's face falls off too. It didn't not help? But, here's the horrible thing about being a grownup and all that . . . it also didn't heal anything. That's all internal work. And as you do that work, you realize that it would suck just to be a person who would run out on their spouse and kids, even if their house never flooded and their skin never fell off and their kids never hated them. It would still suck because they would waste their one precious life on superficial stuff.

I'm all for natural consequences. And maybe for a little harmless mischief, like my weekend swap. But you really don't have to worry about vengeance. People like this bring it on themselves, one way or another. And as much as you want them to hurt, they won't, because they have wrapped themselves in six million layers of denial and delusion.