Anonymous wrote:Do you work from home?

Just say, “Sorry, I can’t. I’m not set up for that and I’m not comfortable hosting them here. But I’d be glad to meet up with them for dinner or provide recommendations if they need any.” Then pivot immediately to another topic.

If they push for any reason, which, if they are at all polite, they won’t, then repeat, “I’m not comfortable hosting them here. They and I would be more comfortable if they stayed at a hotel or an Airbnb.”

Absolutely don't do this!

If you say you're not comfortable with it then it just gives the relative asking (a) space to push and ask what would make you more comfortable and (b) a way to then make fun of you to everyone else by saying you're a delicate flower. If all you say is NO then that's all you've said and they can tell people you said no but that's it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:friends of family members?

I do and it puts me in a very awkward position, especially because hosting for them is often much easier.

But my space is small, I work a lot and it is a big imposition. I don’t have a rehabbed basement I can send people to.

How do you handle? Obviously I know many snarky people will respond ‘just say no’ but I like to keep family dynamics as positive as possible. So a little nuance would help.

It’s not snarky, you really just say no.

“Hi Aunt Jane. I’m sorry I am not able host your friends.”

I did this once and years later I heard “you didn’t host my best friend Larla”. I was shocked that I was ‘reminded’ of this situation, because it was objectively a very inopportune moment: life wise and logistic wise.

I still have no regret for saying ’no’, because it was the right decision for me, and I’d have made the same decision over and over, but you need to plan for some resentment from your family member.

I have asked an acquaintance to host me, and they did, but I regretted asking (not because of how they hosted me - I just realized how full their schedules were and that I inconvenienced them). I have always gotten a hotel since then, no matter how close I am to the person in the other town.

Op exactly. I’ve had this happen already. So I’m sensitive to family dynamics. I want to find a more graceful way to decline.

Why do you want to bend over backwards to accommodate someone who is rude and unthoughtful? I say this seriously, you need to discuss that in therapy. It sounds like maybe you're single? Not sure of your age and if you want to be married, but your mindset is setting you up for a world of potential hurt, not just romantically but with friendships and professionally. I'm serious.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:friends of family members?

I do and it puts me in a very awkward position, especially because hosting for them is often much easier.

But my space is small, I work a lot and it is a big imposition. I don’t have a rehabbed basement I can send people to.

How do you handle? Obviously I know many snarky people will respond ‘just say no’ but I like to keep family dynamics as positive as possible. So a little nuance would help.

It’s not snarky, you really just say no.

“Hi Aunt Jane. I’m sorry I am not able host your friends.”

I did this once and years later I heard “you didn’t host my best friend Larla”. I was shocked that I was ‘reminded’ of this situation, because it was objectively a very inopportune moment: life wise and logistic wise.

I still have no regret for saying ’no’, because it was the right decision for me, and I’d have made the same decision over and over, but you need to plan for some resentment from your family member.

I have asked an acquaintance to host me, and they did, but I regretted asking (not because of how they hosted me - I just realized how full their schedules were and that I inconvenienced them). I have always gotten a hotel since then, no matter how close I am to the person in the other town.

I hope you rolled your eyes and walked away from Aunt Jane. I don't understand people who allow themselves to be berated by family members for something like this. Seriously, WALK AWAY. Or hang up the phone. Or delete the text and don't respond. Why do you let people treat you like this? And no, "because they're family" is not the answer. I am sad that my kids have crappy grandparents on my husband's side but I'm also glad that they've learned early on that no one gets to treat you poorly, even if you are related to them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Oh, that won’t work for me.”

“Unfortunately I can’t host these days. But I’d love to get together when you’re in town!”

That’s as gracious as you can get. Your family obviously does not care about your relationship if they are asking you to host people who are strangers to you. They are going to be put off regardless because rude, entitled people often are when they are told no.

Best you can do is be nice when you’re shutting it down and leave zero room for argument. If you say your space is too small, they’ll promise not to spread out (they will). If you say you’re too busy, they’ll promise to stay out of your way (they won’t). If you say you’re broke, they’ll offer to pay for a meal (they won’t and they’ll be secretly insulted at your lack of hospitality).

Just.Say.No.

They’re actually not rude entitled people. They just have very different ideas about staying with others. They host a lot themselves, including me and my family.

Are you OP? If you think saying no will make them mad, then they are rude, entitled people. Who cares if they host? Some people are easily set up for it, like it, have the time for it, can afford it, etc. Some people aren't and don't. Not realizing the difference is definitively rude and entitled.

Anonymous wrote:friends of family members?

I do and it puts me in a very awkward position, especially because hosting for them is often much easier.

But my space is small, I work a lot and it is a big imposition. I don’t have a rehabbed basement I can send people to.

How do you handle? Obviously I know many snarky people will respond ‘just say no’ but I like to keep family dynamics as positive as possible. So a little nuance would help.

So that's your choice then. If you value "keeping things positive" with your family members who are being intrusive, then just suck it up and host people. If, on the other hand, hosting people is worse than dealing with entitled family members, you say no.

You seem to want the option that doesn't exist - you say no and everyone is fine with it. So, since you can't change other people, you decide which is more important to you. Host to keep people happy or say no to keep yourself happy. I know which options I'd pick in a heartbeat (wouldn't even have to post on DCUM for ideas), but clearly you need to think on it. So go ahead and ponder, but again, the choices are what YOU are going to do, their reactions will be what they'll be.

Also, just to point out, people who would be unpleasant to you if you said no are people who aren't going to be nicer to you for saying yes, and also people who will find something else to carp at you about.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I say that I’m not comfortable hosting people with whom I am not close, and then I send them a list of hotels they might like.

Yea, although that comes off a bit cold, no? Especially because such and such a friend is ‘their’ close friend who you know a little but how could you not know how easy and wonderful they would be as guests?? (Sarcasm)

I get your sarcasm and people who actually would think or say something like that just aren't people I want to be friends with. Honestly, I've learned over the years that certain behavior is unacceptable to me and I just won't abide it anymore. If I had a friend who was pushy about something like this, I'd fade from that friendship. I have too many friends and not enough time to see them all that I don't need to waste time on people like that.

Anonymous wrote:friends of family members?

I do and it puts me in a very awkward position, especially because hosting for them is often much easier.

But my space is small, I work a lot and it is a big imposition. I don’t have a rehabbed basement I can send people to.

How do you handle? Obviously I know many snarky people will respond ‘just say no’ but I like to keep family dynamics as positive as possible. So a little nuance would help.

We have a beach house property with a separate guest quarters, so yes.

No is a complete sentence. Nuance invites conversation.

I lived in the DC area for over thirty years and never was asked to host friend of friends or friends of relatives. We did host friends and relatives. Generally, people came once or twice for the big DC trip. Usually, the visits were 5-7 days.

Last spring we moved to Connecticut, near Hartford. We have had so many friends stop by on their way to or from New England (or beyond) in just the ten months we have been here. Visits are overnight or just for a meal. I was surprised, I wasn’t sure anyone would want to visit Hartford, but apparently many drive by.

My husband and I are extroverts who don’t generally mind hosting and we own a beach house that is often empty. And no, no family member has ever asked us to host people we don’t know. We did have friends ask us once to pick up their nephew from the airport and spend one night with us. I honestly don’t remember the circumstances, but it was an emergency and we were happy to do it. But the idea of just randomly asking you to host total strangers is bizarre to me. I would have zero problem saying no.

My parents have a nice apartment in Paris.

Maybe when they moved there, decades ago, people asked, but it's been years since anyone outside of immediate family has done so, probably because it's well know that they would refuse.

“We get lots of requests for that. Unfortunately we’re just not able to host. I can give some ideas of reasonably priced places nearby though if that helps them save a bit on accommodations.”

Kind, but firm.

No, I’m sorry we don’t have the space or a bed for you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By secretly resenting just the act of asking, too many people are actually on a power trip. They deny the asker a genuine answer while they get to make fun of them.

Say no if your preference is no. I try to be of the mindset that anyone can ask anything. I'm not faulting them for asking something, no matter what it is. And I will say yes or no. And it will be genuine, without drama. That neither of us will hold resentment going forward, or snicker to others about, "how dare they ask to ..."

If instead someone holds resentment re: the no, so be it.

I disagree. I think there are usually understood etiquette boundaries around favors: you know you can ask a sibling a big one, a neighbor a small one or an emergency larger one (depending on the specific relationship), a stranger to watch your place in line at the supermarket.... It would not occur to me to ask some friend of a friend to host me for even a night. That's a big favor and that's weird. It IS rude to ask sometimes.

Agree.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By secretly resenting just the act of asking, too many people are actually on a power trip. They deny the asker a genuine answer while they get to make fun of them.

Say no if your preference is no. I try to be of the mindset that anyone can ask anything. I'm not faulting them for asking something, no matter what it is. And I will say yes or no. And it will be genuine, without drama. That neither of us will hold resentment going forward, or snicker to others about, "how dare they ask to ..."

If instead someone holds resentment re: the no, so be it.

I disagree. I think there are usually understood etiquette boundaries around favors: you know you can ask a sibling a big one, a neighbor a small one or an emergency larger one (depending on the specific relationship), a stranger to watch your place in line at the supermarket.... It would not occur to me to ask some friend of a friend to host me for even a night. That's a big favor and that's weird. It IS rude to ask sometimes.

I agree with this 10000%. The attitude that there is never harm in asking is a trope used by pushy people who just want what they want. It is insanely rude to ask someone else to host your friends and relatives!

In my experience the people who do this are trying to use your home in their barter system of favors with the person they are parking in your house. You host Sue’s friends and Sue gets to use their beach house! Brilliant move for Sue who gets a free week at the beach AND credit for hosting without any work! Screaming deal! Let those blessings fly!

Anonymous wrote:By secretly resenting just the act of asking, too many people are actually on a power trip. They deny the asker a genuine answer while they get to make fun of them.

Say no if your preference is no. I try to be of the mindset that anyone can ask anything. I'm not faulting them for asking something, no matter what it is. And I will say yes or no. And it will be genuine, without drama. That neither of us will hold resentment going forward, or snicker to others about, "how dare they ask to ..."

If instead someone holds resentment re: the no, so be it.

I disagree. I think there are usually understood etiquette boundaries around favors: you know you can ask a sibling a big one, a neighbor a small one or an emergency larger one (depending on the specific relationship), a stranger to watch your place in line at the supermarket.... It would not occur to me to ask some friend of a friend to host me for even a night. That's a big favor and that's weird. It IS rude to ask sometimes.