Anonymous wrote:It cuts both way. I have a HYP classmate who chose to be a stay at home mom her whole life and dedicated her time to tiger parenting her kids. Now her kids both go to ivies and because her husband is a government worker, I assume they don’t pay a penny in tuition because their HHI is under 200k unlike rich parents who will pay 90k/year.

I'm guessing they don't have a sizeable retirement nest egg.

Also, big state schools don't give out much aid, so your kid would be limited to private schools that are willing to shell out $$$.

Anonymous wrote:There are two camps.

If you’re in the SAHM middle class camp, it is probably more comfortable to stay around others in the same camp. Everyone will be frugal, feel privileged to stay at home, support their working spouse (usually the husband), and look a little tired and frazzled from being home with kids.

In 2-earner families, the vibe is different. The moms usually look more professional but may be a little out of touch with the PTA or latest school stuff, they tend to have more organized activities instead of play dates.

I was a SAHM before my divorce and am working now so I see both camps and have been in both.

This camp is just practical. They don't make enough for working to really make any sense...literally, they will earn just enough after-tax to pay for childcare so what's the point.

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM to law partner husband.

The thing is, my DH and I also both believed in both partners contributing financially and domestically (and we met when we were teens). But by the time he was making 3M+ a year, my 200K income was not contributing. It just wasn’t. So it’s a weird thing, to feel like I ought to be contributing financially, and I’m educated and accomplished, but I literally can’t.

My career became more like a hobby - and one I frankly didn’t like all that much. I still dabble part time so I can pick things up when the kids are older, but no question the only way for me to feel like contribute was to devote more of my time to family tasks. If I contributed 200K a year I wouldn’t be stopping us from being “dependent” on one income. If his income changes drastically, our lifestyle will change drastically (though we’d be ok).

Anyway just throwing that out there. Sometimes not working, even with school aged kids, IS the best way to contribute.

Just to be clear, you ARE working. You just aren’t getting paid for it. Anytime you feel otherwise, go over to the parenting forum and read the posts inquiring how much you should pay a live in nanny who, in addition to taking care of the kids, also: cooks, cleans, takes care of the house etc etc etc. You’ll find that you’re actually a unicorn who should be getting paid $200k.

Well that isn't how parenting works. And she is being 'paid' for it. Someone is paying for her housing, her food, her vacations, her clothes and personal care, her car, her savings, everything related to the kids, college funds, retirement funds etc. If you charged her 50% of all expenses for the family - she would have a big bill. Additionally the working parent is also doing things so if you add up paying them for every task they have ever done....the at home parent probably owes money.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM to law partner husband.

The thing is, my DH and I also both believed in both partners contributing financially and domestically (and we met when we were teens). But by the time he was making 3M+ a year, my 200K income was not contributing. It just wasn’t. So it’s a weird thing, to feel like I ought to be contributing financially, and I’m educated and accomplished, but I literally can’t.

My career became more like a hobby - and one I frankly didn’t like all that much. I still dabble part time so I can pick things up when the kids are older, but no question the only way for me to feel like contribute was to devote more of my time to family tasks. If I contributed 200K a year I wouldn’t be stopping us from being “dependent” on one income. If his income changes drastically, our lifestyle will change drastically (though we’d be ok).

Anyway just throwing that out there. Sometimes not working, even with school aged kids, IS the best way to contribute.

Just to be clear, you ARE working. You just aren’t getting paid for it. Anytime you feel otherwise, go over to the parenting forum and read the posts inquiring how much you should pay a live in nanny who, in addition to taking care of the kids, also: cooks, cleans, takes care of the house etc etc etc. You’ll find that you’re actually a unicorn who should be getting paid $200k.

Roll your eyes all you want. That number came from working moms on this very forum pricing out what this work would cost if you hired someone else to do it. Rolling your eyes just makes you look defensive or like you can’t afford it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ehh, young men these days are all about "being a provider" so women can "be in their feminine" but they still expect you to work and pay 50%. It's a bizarre facade.

Sure is. My daughter wants to marry a doctor.. but is worried because a lot of doctors want to marry doctors/similar She graduated with an Engineering degree from Yale and makes good money, but wants to be a SAHM and raise a lot of kids, but there aren’t a lot of guys happy about that.

Bigger issue is that 55% of med school students are women...and that keeps trending higher every year. I assume the med school women are also interested in marrying doctors.

Does your daughter bring a ton of family money to the table? I know people with Ivy degrees that become SAHMs but only after it's clear their spouse has basically made it (made MD at an IBank or law firm partner or equivalent).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even in well paying jobs, I’ve noticed that the men with SAHMs notice the men with the same jobs but who have wives who work have less pressure and more income and are envious especially if the spouse has good enough hours they do a lot of the SAHM duties.

In dual income homes that have good HHI, most of the menial labor gets hired out. So neither person has to do it. You can throw money at things that neither wants to do and also hire help to make life really manageable. Dual incomes in higher brackets aren't coming home and cleaning or even cooking if they don't want to.

Sure but the women are still responsible for planning and managing all outsourcing.

Oh look, martyr mary joins the thread. Life has moved on from the 1950s trope that men do nothing but sit on the couch with their hand down their pants smoking a cigar. I don't even know families with useless men who do nothing - you need to surround yourself with better people. My brother does 90% of the planning for their kids because of their jobs. The whole but I am a woman so my life will never be anything but drudgery and woe is a you problem - many of us are out living life and doing great.

I am 60yr old. Been a SAHM for 2 decades. When I left my job to stay at home, DH and I made sure that I would never have to go back to work in any situation (divorce, death, disability, disaster, unemployment) for our lifetimes.

My DH and family see me as the biggest strength of our family. DH and I, wanted our family to be happy, healthy, intact, secure, well educated, successful, financially comfortable while also being self-fulfilled. We have time for our hobbies, causes and passion, we are able to support our extended family and we have a great social life.
And when we see how successful we have been in this because a college educated parent had the luxury to stay home and oversee this...it's priceless.

The stability and support structure of our family means that we are also a support for my adult children and their young families. This is true luxury and the returns for all my hardwork has been manifold and generational.

Speaking for myself only -

Is there a financial disadvantage of having a SAHM? If you are well-off, well-educated, can live/save on one income, and have remedies in place to combat adverse financial situations - then there is no disadvantage except not having double income.

What is the financial advantage of having a SAHM? If you are well-off, well educated and know how to leverage your time and brain to serve your family - you can help yourself and your family become happy and successful.

Most bright, educated young men are looking for relationships with their intellectual peers. That's not new to this generation. Like us, they will figure out the division-of-labor logistics as time goes on and their families grow (as planned or otherwise).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ehh, young men these days are all about "being a provider" so women can "be in their feminine" but they still expect you to work and pay 50%. It's a bizarre facade.

Sure is. My daughter wants to marry a doctor.. but is worried because a lot of doctors want to marry doctors/similar She graduated with an Engineering degree from Yale and makes good money, but wants to be a SAHM and raise a lot of kids, but there aren’t a lot of guys happy about that.

Imagine that. Men don’t want a loaf of a wife that doesn’t contribute financially. Your daughter can work and still be a mother.

Eh everyone is different and what works for some people doesn’t work for others. You know theory of mind and all that. I think the bigger piece here is that it sounds like she makes enough money where even if the spouse is making $1M+, you miss the income when it’s gone. Worth noting the younger generations are much more focused on FAT FIRE / coast FIRE and all that jazz and losing $200-300K year even if you’re making $1M or whatever hurts those goals.

She’s fine with working, but wants to focus on kids (4 minimum), and with that many kids working full time would be challenging for her, she isn’t avoiding working at all and could work part-time. She wastes zero time with guys that aren’t for her, and she’s still very young, ambitious, and is fully into her goals including becoming a wife of a doctor, she’s used to the prestige.

We raised her to chase her goals and dreams, and she worked hard in school and college. She’s an adult now, so that means we’re not going to stop her from making her own career choices, whether that means being a stay-at-home mom or a working mom. That’s entirely up to her. We let her decide. I don’t get the stigma against SAHM. My kid is financially set for life, and can always get right back into a career if needed, or can stay home too (whether married or not).

She's dating this doctor?

DH and I both work and make about the same- I make maybe 20k more but he carries the health insurance.

I think people obsess over this stuff too much. Both partners make their contributions to the family in their way. In a healthy relationship, it pretty much works out. In an unhealthy relationship, it’s uneven and causes resentment.

My DH hates to cook. I’m okay with it so I mostly cook. He gets up and cleans the kitchen every single morning before he leaves for work.

But I also work longer hours so sometimes I just can’t and he absolutely will step in. Gets out the deep fryer and makes some Korean fried chicken.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ehh, young men these days are all about "being a provider" so women can "be in their feminine" but they still expect you to work and pay 50%. It's a bizarre facade.

Sure is. My daughter wants to marry a doctor.. but is worried because a lot of doctors want to marry doctors/similar She graduated with an Engineering degree from Yale and makes good money, but wants to be a SAHM and raise a lot of kids, but there aren’t a lot of guys happy about that.

Imagine that. Men don’t want a loaf of a wife that doesn’t contribute financially. Your daughter can work and still be a mother.

Eh everyone is different and what works for some people doesn’t work for others. You know theory of mind and all that. I think the bigger piece here is that it sounds like she makes enough money where even if the spouse is making $1M+, you miss the income when it’s gone. Worth noting the younger generations are much more focused on FAT FIRE / coast FIRE and all that jazz and losing $200-300K year even if you’re making $1M or whatever hurts those goals.

She’s fine with working, but wants to focus on kids (4 minimum), and with that many kids working full time would be challenging for her, she isn’t avoiding working at all and could work part-time. She wastes zero time with guys that aren’t for her, and she’s still very young, ambitious, and is fully into her goals including becoming a wife of a doctor, she’s used to the prestige.

We raised her to chase her goals and dreams, and she worked hard in school and college. She’s an adult now, so that means we’re not going to stop her from making her own career choices, whether that means being a stay-at-home mom or a working mom. That’s entirely up to her. We let her decide. I don’t get the stigma against SAHM. My kid is financially set for life, and can always get right back into a career if needed, or can stay home too (whether married or not).

PP i mean this in a not nice way, that you and your daughter sound like hideous people.

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM to law partner husband.

The thing is, my DH and I also both believed in both partners contributing financially and domestically (and we met when we were teens). But by the time he was making 3M+ a year, my 200K income was not contributing. It just wasn’t. So it’s a weird thing, to feel like I ought to be contributing financially, and I’m educated and accomplished, but I literally can’t.

My career became more like a hobby - and one I frankly didn’t like all that much. I still dabble part time so I can pick things up when the kids are older, but no question the only way for me to feel like contribute was to devote more of my time to family tasks. If I contributed 200K a year I wouldn’t be stopping us from being “dependent” on one income. If his income changes drastically, our lifestyle will change drastically (though we’d be ok).

Anyway just throwing that out there. Sometimes not working, even with school aged kids, IS the best way to contribute.

Just to be clear, you ARE working. You just aren’t getting paid for it. Anytime you feel otherwise, go over to the parenting forum and read the posts inquiring how much you should pay a live in nanny who, in addition to taking care of the kids, also: cooks, cleans, takes care of the house etc etc etc. You’ll find that you’re actually a unicorn who should be getting paid $200k.

[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM to law partner husband.

The thing is, my DH and I also both believed in both partners contributing financially and domestically (and we met when we were teens). But by the time he was making 3M+ a year, my 200K income was not contributing. It just wasn’t. So it’s a weird thing, to feel like I ought to be contributing financially, and I’m educated and accomplished, but I literally can’t.

My career became more like a hobby - and one I frankly didn’t like all that much. I still dabble part time so I can pick things up when the kids are older, but no question the only way for me to feel like contribute was to devote more of my time to family tasks. If I contributed 200K a year I wouldn’t be stopping us from being “dependent” on one income. If his income changes drastically, our lifestyle will change drastically (though we’d be ok).

Anyway just throwing that out there. Sometimes not working, even with school aged kids, IS the best way to contribute.

Just to be clear, you ARE working. You just aren’t getting paid for it. Anytime you feel otherwise, go over to the parenting forum and read the posts inquiring how much you should pay a live in nanny who, in addition to taking care of the kids, also: cooks, cleans, takes care of the house etc etc etc. You’ll find that you’re actually a unicorn who should be getting paid $200k.

I’m a SAHM to law partner husband.

The thing is, my DH and I also both believed in both partners contributing financially and domestically (and we met when we were teens). But by the time he was making 3M+ a year, my 200K income was not contributing. It just wasn’t. So it’s a weird thing, to feel like I ought to be contributing financially, and I’m educated and accomplished, but I literally can’t.

My career became more like a hobby - and one I frankly didn’t like all that much. I still dabble part time so I can pick things up when the kids are older, but no question the only way for me to feel like contribute was to devote more of my time to family tasks. If I contributed 200K a year I wouldn’t be stopping us from being “dependent” on one income. If his income changes drastically, our lifestyle will change drastically (though we’d be ok).

Anyway just throwing that out there. Sometimes not working, even with school aged kids, IS the best way to contribute.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ehh, young men these days are all about "being a provider" so women can "be in their feminine" but they still expect you to work and pay 50%. It's a bizarre facade.

Sure is. My daughter wants to marry a doctor.. but is worried because a lot of doctors want to marry doctors/similar She graduated with an Engineering degree from Yale and makes good money, but wants to be a SAHM and raise a lot of kids, but there aren’t a lot of guys happy about that.

Imagine that. Men don’t want a loaf of a wife that doesn’t contribute financially. Your daughter can work and still be a mother.

Eh everyone is different and what works for some people doesn’t work for others. You know theory of mind and all that. I think the bigger piece here is that it sounds like she makes enough money where even if the spouse is making $1M+, you miss the income when it’s gone. Worth noting the younger generations are much more focused on FAT FIRE / coast FIRE and all that jazz and losing $200-300K year even if you’re making $1M or whatever hurts those goals.

She’s fine with working, but wants to focus on kids (4 minimum), and with that many kids working full time would be challenging for her, she isn’t avoiding working at all and could work part-time. She wastes zero time with guys that aren’t for her, and she’s still very young, ambitious, and is fully into her goals including becoming a wife of a doctor, she’s used to the prestige.

We raised her to chase her goals and dreams, and she worked hard in school and college. She’s an adult now, so that means we’re not going to stop her from making her own career choices, whether that means being a stay-at-home mom or a working mom. That’s entirely up to her. We let her decide. I don’t get the stigma against SAHM. My kid is financially set for life, and can always get right back into a career if needed, or can stay home too (whether married or not).

You need to focus on your own life. You’re meddling big time and should let your child forge her own path in life. Also she might have one child and decide she isn’t up for more kids. The fact you’re an adult and don’t realize this suggests you’re emotionally immature and enmeshed.

And no, once you stay home you can’t necessarily “get right back into a career.” Yes you can likely find a job, but you can be penalized majorly for stepping out of the workforce.