IME, when a formerly close friend fades a bit, they are preparing for divorce.

OP, what amount of contact could you initiate without being resentful when it's not reciprocated? Every person would answer differently. If you know, for you, do that. Let's say for example, it's every 3 months. Put it on the calendar and forget it. Contact her to invite her to something and if she says no, you're done trying for another 3 months. Probably after a year of this, I would have the last message be, "get back to me if you'd like to get together"

It's in their court. And if you run into each other somewhere, a random encounter remember, them saying, "we'll have to get together sometime" counts for nothing. If they add, "call me", that's the most obnoxious.

Is she a social climber op?

Were your sons at an all boys private school by chance?

some parents just keep in touch while kids are in school and while they need a parent friend at school then drop you. It is weird.

That being said she is either just a user type OR going through other things and does not have time for friendships

I've had this happen multiple times and it's so painful. But usually the reason is that they've found some sort of new social outlet that is taking up all their energy. One dear friend joined a church, got assigned to a "small group" and within months those people were her best friends who she sees multiple times a week. She has no time for me anymore and we were as close as sisters.
Another friend had a late in life baby and got in with a "baby group" and she is completely enmeshed with those women now. She does make time for me but it's not like it used to be and it's clear they are her priority.

It is hard to know what to do. I think one of my good friends is distancing and I am not sure why. I don’t want to look needy but I also have hard time understanding why there is this sudden gap. I am not planning to ask directly for an explanation (after all nobody is entitled to one) but there is a lot of frustration and uncertainty

Let me say this to the question of "being offended" - I don't like the way that's phrased because someone might not want to be friends with you for reasons other than that you offended them. I'm picturing a situation with some people I'm currently distancing myself from and if they asked if they had offended me I would honestly say no. So then they'd be left scratching their heads trying to figure out why I didn't want to be friends with them anymore.

I would instead say that things have changed and you want to understand why and you want to know if it is something you said or did. They may lie because they don't want to discuss it/have already decided that there is no coming back from whatever happened, but all you can do is ask. Just don't ask if you offended them.

I don't like guessing how people feel so I'd either let the relationship fade or I'd try to figure out what was going on. I wouldn't ask if I had offended her, I would just say honestly that you miss her and you'd really like to schedule a time to get together and then try to make it happen. Once you're in person you could be open and vulnerable and tell her how you feel and ask if you're missing something. If she still doesn't tell you or continues to act weird, then that sucks, but it doesn't seem like there's anything you can do about it.

Formerly.

I am so sorry that this is happening to you - - it is always sad when any friendship goes South & especially when you do not know the reason why it did.

I personally would reach out next time that I see her > I would let her know that I was disappointed that I wasn’t seeing her as much ➕ ask her if I had said or done anything to offend her.

Try to keep it short and sweet, try not to make it awkward for her so that she doesn’t feel put on the spot.

Then whatever she responds back to you - accept it along w/the possible fact that your friendship may just be done.

I wish you all the best here……I know it is not going to be easy.

Anonymous wrote:I am somehow in a similar situation and I am also not sure about what to do. Sometimes is just a season of life and friends get close again later, some other time is a slow goodbye.
For what is worth, I am trying to still send regularly invitations and short messages. Often there is no response or a ‘thank but no thank you’ and it stings.
Maybe is time to give the person some space. I still have hope to reconnect but every day the distance is wider. Friendship cannot last for too long if only one person is still trying to reconnect

I am going through something similar. It is one of the closest friendships I have ever had, and I feel like I am being dumped. It really hurts and it is all I can think about.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It might not have anything to do with you. I have had close friends do this twice. Once the friend was going through an acrimonious divorce and was secretive about it. She got back in touch after the divorce and we hung out some, though we were never as close again. In the other case the person had less dramatic but heavy personal stuff and we did resume the friendship years later. Sometimes friendships take energy you don't have. I would give her space for a while, and then maybe an occasional quick text.

Adding: you mention that you guys are "not friend collectors" and I take that as an important clue, actually. I think people like this, with a small number of close friends, tend to be introverted by nature and when life gets difficult or upsetting or profound, they want to process it on their own. That's how I am and how most of my close friends are, and I think that's why I have been through this multiple times with friends. (I don't think it's because I'm not supportive, I think it's more the temperament of these friends).

It's hard but I wouldn't lose hope, I would just put the relationship aside for now.

This is where my mind went, too.

I think a lot of us are projecting our own situations on your case, op, so we may be way off, but in my life when someone's retreated or when I retreated it was because of going through a tough time and either lacking the energy and time to connect with friends and/or not feeling up for talking about the hard thing yet but also feeling weird getting together and NOT mentioning it.

In my case, I've appreciated the few friends who kept trying even when I was hard to reach.

another plus one to this take

Does she have any younger kids?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It might not have anything to do with you. I have had close friends do this twice. Once the friend was going through an acrimonious divorce and was secretive about it. She got back in touch after the divorce and we hung out some, though we were never as close again. In the other case the person had less dramatic but heavy personal stuff and we did resume the friendship years later. Sometimes friendships take energy you don't have. I would give her space for a while, and then maybe an occasional quick text.

Adding: you mention that you guys are "not friend collectors" and I take that as an important clue, actually. I think people like this, with a small number of close friends, tend to be introverted by nature and when life gets difficult or upsetting or profound, they want to process it on their own. That's how I am and how most of my close friends are, and I think that's why I have been through this multiple times with friends. (I don't think it's because I'm not supportive, I think it's more the temperament of these friends).

It's hard but I wouldn't lose hope, I would just put the relationship aside for now.

This is where my mind went, too.

I think a lot of us are projecting our own situations on your case, op, so we may be way off, but in my life when someone's retreated or when I retreated it was because of going through a tough time and either lacking the energy and time to connect with friends and/or not feeling up for talking about the hard thing yet but also feeling weird getting together and NOT mentioning it.

In my case, I've appreciated the few friends who kept trying even when I was hard to reach.