Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would I do? I would try to repair the relationship with my son. He will never forget that he was kicked out. Your husband kicks him out when he doesn't have a job and how is he supposed to pay rent? Your father is in charge now, and he can do whatever he wants and is calling the shots. I had a high paying job that made me miserable, and I quit. Your son may have just needed some time to regroup after a stressful time. People can give you the tough love speech, but they didn't lose two years of their lives to Covid which left many of these kids making up for lost time, socially and developmentally. It's hard/impossible to give your son any advice or guidance now that he's not under the same roof and your husband has caused some damage in your relationship. I think he's a young man trying to find his way and many kids his age are taking gap years. Rather than telling him what he should be doing, how about listening to him? Maybe he would have gotten bored, maybe an opportunity would have come along, etc. How does your husband feel now that your son is gone? I'm sorry this happened and hope your relationship can be repaired sooner rather than later. If you were estranged from your father, he must be having some interesting conversations with your son. Where did your husband think your son was going to go after being kicked out?

My dad didn't let us move back home after college graduation. We had 100% of the school costs covered, including professional school and a car, but after graduation, we were on our own, and moving home was not an option. He was very clear about this from the time I was a young teen: "I pay for school, you figure out the rest." I have a close relationship with him, as do my siblings. We all had jobs or graduate school lined up well before graduation. None of us begrudge him; rather, we regularly tell him how grateful we are to make it through school with no student loan debt. Maybe the difference is that my dad had very firm boundaries around cutting off support after graduation, so it wasn't like he pulled a rug out from under us. We were able to plan.

That’s your life story, not OPs. It’s not really relevant. Her son did move in, was kicked out, and is now living with the estranged grandparent. At this point the only play is attempting to rebuild a relationship with OP’s son.

Anonymous wrote:Once again, we can all say what we did, but we are not the generation that missed 2 years of their lives -- important years! Not going to school and not seeing friends etc is a very different experience and outcome. That's one point. The second point is that every kid is different. One kid might respond to your threats and one kid might not and things can get a lot worse. If that happens, you won't be there to see it and take early action and you may not know about it at all. I don't think his actions warranted being kicked out of the house.

Stop using Covid as an excuse. It's now been 6 years. Those kids (of which I have kids in that generation as well) were able to eventually go back to high school and college and get the physical contact that's needed.

The one thing that's different is all the focus on mental health well being. It went too far and now these kids lack grit/are becoming mentally weak.

The kid is 22! He got a job he hated and walked away despite the money. He wasn't going to go the "golden handcuffs" route and sell his soul. He needs some time to regroup. Instead, Dad lost his temper and kicked him out. This proves he cannot count on Dad or trust him. Dad should have listened to his son and provided encouragement and support. Life is not a race. Son might need some more time to mature and regroup, figure out what path he wants to pursue. Let's hope he doesn't get involved with a group of losers now and make decisions that will be detrimental long term. It is better to talk to your child, encourage your child, and guide them in the right direction during this time when they are capable of making big mistakes. Some kids don't need that, mine doesn't, but I understand that everyone is different and some kids need parents in their life that even though they disagree with their decisions, know they can play an important role and steer them in the right direction. I told my parents I did not want to go to college and wanted to marry my high school boyfriend. They kept poker faces and calmly said that with the divorce rate, I needed to get a college education first. They did not explode, even though they must have been horrified because they knew my boyfriend was violent. Needless to say, they gently guided me and put me on a certain path that led to success.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband sucks. He's only 22, pretty much still a kid, and It sounds like he's doing productive things, and isn't sitting around playing video games. I'd let him have a year off break.

No, being a man of leisure is not productive. If he wants a year off, he should figure out a way to pay for it. Dad is entirely within his rights.

+1

Parents are enabling their children to be entitled, unproductive adults, in the same what a co-dependent person enables another to be an alcoholic or drug addict.

I blame the parents in many of these cases.

I agree. Then they turn into entitled husbands someday. My sister has 3 kids, and her husband wants to quit his job and take a year off to find himself, while she works to support the entire family and serves as the default parent, as most moms do. You can't raise your son to think this behavior is okay.

I am a woman and as feminist as it gets, but I also think there is a good amount of sexism when people blame men for wanting to take off time for things, whereas women are encouraged to do so

Exactly. Many take off the rest of their lives as a SAH parent. Perhaps that will be his route.

Then she divorces him. Why would a woman stay in a marriage where she is both the default parent and the provider, and he's basically a deadweight she has to carry along with 3 little kids? Divorce sooner rather than later.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband sucks. He's only 22, pretty much still a kid, and It sounds like he's doing productive things, and isn't sitting around playing video games. I'd let him have a year off break.

No, being a man of leisure is not productive. If he wants a year off, he should figure out a way to pay for it. Dad is entirely within his rights.

+1

Parents are enabling their children to be entitled, unproductive adults, in the same what a co-dependent person enables another to be an alcoholic or drug addict.

I blame the parents in many of these cases.

I agree. Then they turn into entitled husbands someday. My sister has 3 kids, and her husband wants to quit his job and take a year off to find himself, while she works to support the entire family and serves as the default parent, as most moms do. You can't raise your son to think this behavior is okay.

I am a woman and as feminist as it gets, but I also think there is a good amount of sexism when people blame men for wanting to take off time for things, whereas women are encouraged to do so

Exactly. Many take off the rest of their lives as a SAH parent. Perhaps that will be his route.

Once again, we can all say what we did, but we are not the generation that missed 2 years of their lives -- important years! Not going to school and not seeing friends etc is a very different experience and outcome. That's one point. The second point is that every kid is different. One kid might respond to your threats and one kid might not and things can get a lot worse. If that happens, you won't be there to see it and take early action and you may not know about it at all. I don't think his actions warranted being kicked out of the house.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would I do? I would try to repair the relationship with my son. He will never forget that he was kicked out. Your husband kicks him out when he doesn't have a job and how is he supposed to pay rent? Your father is in charge now, and he can do whatever he wants and is calling the shots. I had a high paying job that made me miserable, and I quit. Your son may have just needed some time to regroup after a stressful time. People can give you the tough love speech, but they didn't lose two years of their lives to Covid which left many of these kids making up for lost time, socially and developmentally. It's hard/impossible to give your son any advice or guidance now that he's not under the same roof and your husband has caused some damage in your relationship. I think he's a young man trying to find his way and many kids his age are taking gap years. Rather than telling him what he should be doing, how about listening to him? Maybe he would have gotten bored, maybe an opportunity would have come along, etc. How does your husband feel now that your son is gone? I'm sorry this happened and hope your relationship can be repaired sooner rather than later. If you were estranged from your father, he must be having some interesting conversations with your son. Where did your husband think your son was going to go after being kicked out?

My dad didn't let us move back home after college graduation. We had 100% of the school costs covered, including professional school and a car, but after graduation, we were on our own, and moving home was not an option. He was very clear about this from the time I was a young teen: "I pay for school, you figure out the rest." I have a close relationship with him, as do my siblings. We all had jobs or graduate school lined up well before graduation. None of us begrudge him; rather, we regularly tell him how grateful we are to make it through school with no student loan debt. Maybe the difference is that my dad had very firm boundaries around cutting off support after graduation, so it wasn't like he pulled a rug out from under us. We were able to plan.

This. Your dad’s the man!!!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband sucks. He's only 22, pretty much still a kid, and It sounds like he's doing productive things, and isn't sitting around playing video games. I'd let him have a year off break.

No, being a man of leisure is not productive. If he wants a year off, he should figure out a way to pay for it. Dad is entirely within his rights.

+1

Parents are enabling their children to be entitled, unproductive adults, in the same what a co-dependent person enables another to be an alcoholic or drug addict.

I blame the parents in many of these cases.

I agree. Then they turn into entitled husbands someday. My sister has 3 kids, and her husband wants to quit his job and take a year off to find himself, while she works to support the entire family and serves as the default parent, as most moms do. You can't raise your son to think this behavior is okay.

I am a woman and as feminist as it gets, but I also think there is a good amount of sexism when people blame men for wanting to take off time for things, whereas women are encouraged to do so

Why should we encourage a father of 3 young, dependent children to take time off to find themselves, especially if they don't have the savings to cover their break? She said her sister is the default parent and will have to keep working full-time to support the family while he figures things out. When you have kids, especially 3 of them, you don't get the luxury of time to find yourself. If you don't like your job, you line up another one before you quit.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband sucks. He's only 22, pretty much still a kid, and It sounds like he's doing productive things, and isn't sitting around playing video games. I'd let him have a year off break.

No, being a man of leisure is not productive. If he wants a year off, he should figure out a way to pay for it. Dad is entirely within his rights.

+1

Parents are enabling their children to be entitled, unproductive adults, in the same what a co-dependent person enables another to be an alcoholic or drug addict.

I blame the parents in many of these cases.

I agree. Then they turn into entitled husbands someday. My sister has 3 kids, and her husband wants to quit his job and take a year off to find himself, while she works to support the entire family and serves as the default parent, as most moms do. You can't raise your son to think this behavior is okay.

I am a woman and as feminist as it gets, but I also think there is a good amount of sexism when people blame men for wanting to take off time for things, whereas women are encouraged to do so

Finding himself isn't the worst, but it doesn't sound like he's actively looking for himself.

If he made $40K in 3 months and he doesn't have expensive hobbies, he's doing okay. You can afford to pay his bills he lives at home. You're not about to rent out his room for $3,000 a month are you?

Anonymous wrote:What would I do? I would try to repair the relationship with my son. He will never forget that he was kicked out. Your husband kicks him out when he doesn't have a job and how is he supposed to pay rent? Your father is in charge now, and he can do whatever he wants and is calling the shots. I had a high paying job that made me miserable, and I quit. Your son may have just needed some time to regroup after a stressful time. People can give you the tough love speech, but they didn't lose two years of their lives to Covid which left many of these kids making up for lost time, socially and developmentally. It's hard/impossible to give your son any advice or guidance now that he's not under the same roof and your husband has caused some damage in your relationship. I think he's a young man trying to find his way and many kids his age are taking gap years. Rather than telling him what he should be doing, how about listening to him? Maybe he would have gotten bored, maybe an opportunity would have come along, etc. How does your husband feel now that your son is gone? I'm sorry this happened and hope your relationship can be repaired sooner rather than later. If you were estranged from your father, he must be having some interesting conversations with your son. Where did your husband think your son was going to go after being kicked out?

My dad didn't let us move back home after college graduation. We had 100% of the school costs covered, including professional school and a car, but after graduation, we were on our own, and moving home was not an option. He was very clear about this from the time I was a young teen: "I pay for school, you figure out the rest." I have a close relationship with him, as do my siblings. We all had jobs or graduate school lined up well before graduation. None of us begrudge him; rather, we regularly tell him how grateful we are to make it through school with no student loan debt. Maybe the difference is that my dad had very firm boundaries around cutting off support after graduation, so it wasn't like he pulled a rug out from under us. We were able to plan.

I don't know many if any people who actually want to work it's something we do as adults to be able to afford things like food, clothing and shelter.
Your son is a grown ass man and no longer needs you to provide the basics for him and you'd be doing him a diservice by allowing him to live as a child
If he wants to work less, travel etc he needs to figure out how to do that on his own.

What would I do? I would try to repair the relationship with my son. He will never forget that he was kicked out. Your husband kicks him out when he doesn't have a job and how is he supposed to pay rent? Your father is in charge now, and he can do whatever he wants and is calling the shots. I had a high paying job that made me miserable, and I quit. Your son may have just needed some time to regroup after a stressful time. People can give you the tough love speech, but they didn't lose two years of their lives to Covid which left many of these kids making up for lost time, socially and developmentally. It's hard/impossible to give your son any advice or guidance now that he's not under the same roof and your husband has caused some damage in your relationship. I think he's a young man trying to find his way and many kids his age are taking gap years. Rather than telling him what he should be doing, how about listening to him? Maybe he would have gotten bored, maybe an opportunity would have come along, etc. How does your husband feel now that your son is gone? I'm sorry this happened and hope your relationship can be repaired sooner rather than later. If you were estranged from your father, he must be having some interesting conversations with your son. Where did your husband think your son was going to go after being kicked out?

Anonymous wrote:Physical work is very good for mental health. He can deliver packages or work as a server.
Why is it always the musicians and artist who are so delicate when it comes to working or mental health?
DC started working at 18 while in college. He works 12-hour shifts when needed. I cannot imagine him wanting to move home at 22.

Same!

My kid worked starting in hs. Then went to a 4 year college nut job search was difficult (post covid). He finally found a great job and started right after graduation (near college 2k miles from us ). But his plan had been to come home, live at home and continue working his restaurant job full time--the place had offered him an assistant manager position if he wanted it at 22. Normal people have a plan even if the desired pa th doesn't work out. My kids mental health would have tanked had he Not been working somewhere/anywhere