I (whose job it is to be self aware to help others be self aware) have found as I've gotten older (certainly not close to 70) that I am more in need of "controlling" my world and the people I love. It's a bad thing, I know this, and I work on it constantly. But I understand it's related to my own need to feel secure as I age. Helping my own parents through the aging process has been eye-opening.

Given that, I know that most people don't naturally come to self reflection. They come to most issues on a primal level of dealing with a "primal need."

I don't know that it's possible to have a one-on-one discussion with your mom, OP, but maybe if you sat down together and talked this through you could come up with something that helps you both. Her to understand that she is loved and secure, and you (and your family) need their own space and time together.

That said, I'm guessing she is used to it just being a tumult of family together at all times, and might not be able to understand this need for separateness.

For everyone with Greek in laws….. why do the mother in laws do this cleaning in the daughter in law’s bedroom and personal spaces? Why the cleaning in someone else’s space?

If you are Greek or married to someone who is, can you explain this?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m shocked your spouse will tolerate this. I don’t take divorce lightly AT ALL, and this would push me to the brink of my spouse was letting his parents come over every day for hours, scream at us, etc.

Yes. If you had posted saying this was your MIL, instead of your mother, everyone would have told you to divorce.

I wouldn't tolerate this from anyone, OP, not my mother, not my MIL, or anyone else.

My husband is annoyed by it. He works from home and works long and odd hours. He likes peace and quiet in the evenings and the ability to move around our home without having to bump into her constantly. That is a problem. Constantly walking on eggshells is a problem. I don't know how to effectively deal with her because every time I have tried, she erupts so I am scared to do so. She is thinking something in her mind that is not reality and that is causing a lot of the problems. She misunderstands everything I say and thinks the worst. Basically, it's her way or nothing. She has not talked to me for months here and there but always goes back to being the same and like nothing happened.

Anonymous wrote:I’m shocked your spouse will tolerate this. I don’t take divorce lightly AT ALL, and this would push me to the brink of my spouse was letting his parents come over every day for hours, scream at us, etc.

Yes. If you had posted saying this was your MIL, instead of your mother, everyone would have told you to divorce.

I wouldn't tolerate this from anyone, OP, not my mother, not my MIL, or anyone else.

I’m shocked your spouse will tolerate this. I don’t take divorce lightly AT ALL, and this would push me to the brink of my spouse was letting his parents come over every day for hours, scream at us, etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You say ‘lately,’ how long has this been going on? I think you can say, politely, that you love having her over but every week night is getting to be a bit much. Tell her you need time to wind down just your immediate family, and ask she only come on Mondays or Wednesday or whatever. Maybe suggest they come over early enough to eat dinner together and then you can actually spend time together vs her hanging out in bedrooms. It sounds like they are lonely, or maybe your mom is sliding into dementia. But I would nip it in the bud now before the every day thing becomes totally normal.

Are you Greek by any chance? My Greek in laws describe a similar dynamic with parents coming over every night, just because they were bored. I’m glad we live many states away, or I’m sure they would be in my house every day too!

Part Greek and Eastern European. I agree with the previous poster that I think it's her way of being part of our lives. While she is up there, my dad is bored and sits on his phone. She has always been sensitive and easy to anger so we are afraid to set her off. She is 70.

I'd get professional counseling. It is not healthy for you, your spouse, and your kids to have to walk on eggshells every day in your own home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I think the two days a week is a good idea, but I would firmly tell her that you could use her help if she is willing to do tasks that you need done and to come over early so your teens can have their living space to study or relax after dinner. And she and your dad can eat dinner with you.

Give her a choice if tasks that would be helpful to you, but not overtly exerting. If she would enjoy coming to cook dinner one night a week
And even cleanup thst would be might work for all. Other things might be to help with laundry and vacuum and dust areas not intrusive to your privacy such as family room, living dining room, sunroom or office.

You need to set the tone as your folks are not building connections in your area while they are healthy. Your mom will only become more reliant and demanding as she ages if you do not set the tone now.

We do have her cook one night. I am going to try to see if she would do the 2 nights. I noticed that they are less likely to come if it is very cold or bad weather, so I'm hoping for some snow. Part of me also feels guilty because I helped them move here so I feel like its my responsibility to put up with them. I don't let her yell at my kids, when she has I have told her its time for her to go home because shes causing problems (but this usually causes her to get irate because she thinks its disrespectful.) The worst arguments happened when I was not at home and she argues with my middle child but after the second occurrence, I no longer allow her home alone with her.

I mean, I would rather such a person have nothing to do with my family. It's not worth the cleaning or cooking help, and I hope you're not the kind to think "the kids need a relationship with their grandparents" - don't give me that crap. Their Grandma is a nasty horror. No kid needs to relate to that.

If you want to see your father, go and visit him. But I wouldn't allow such a woman as your mother into my home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I think the two days a week is a good idea, but I would firmly tell her that you could use her help if she is willing to do tasks that you need done and to come over early so your teens can have their living space to study or relax after dinner. And she and your dad can eat dinner with you.

Give her a choice if tasks that would be helpful to you, but not overtly exerting. If she would enjoy coming to cook dinner one night a week
And even cleanup thst would be might work for all. Other things might be to help with laundry and vacuum and dust areas not intrusive to your privacy such as family room, living dining room, sunroom or office.

You need to set the tone as your folks are not building connections in your area while they are healthy. Your mom will only become more reliant and demanding as she ages if you do not set the tone now.

We do have her cook one night. I am going to try to see if she would do the 2 nights. I noticed that they are less likely to come if it is very cold or bad weather, so I'm hoping for some snow. Part of me also feels guilty because I helped them move here so I feel like its my responsibility to put up with them. I don't let her yell at my kids, when she has I have told her its time for her to go home because shes causing problems (but this usually causes her to get irate because she thinks its disrespectful.) The worst arguments happened when I was not at home and she argues with my middle child but after the second occurrence, I no longer allow her home alone with her.

I would have had it out with her a long time ago, and I would certainly not have helped them move so close. I don't care at all about being "disrespectful" to my parents, OP, if my own parent starts being abusive first. I am not a doormat.

Personally, I think your attitude is a big part of the problem. You should have been a lot firmer years ago. Not too late (and no, you don't care that they moved closer. They can stay in their home without visiting yours).

Discuss as a family what works for your household. Then set the boundary. If she starts going off, explain she either stops being disrespectful in your house or she is not welcome in it anymore. Poor choices will result in only visiting at their home, or out in the community.

It is not all about keeping mom happy, because that is impossible. The striving to keep her happy, should not be at the detriment of your household happiness.

Anonymous wrote:OP - I think the two days a week is a good idea, but I would firmly tell her that you could use her help if she is willing to do tasks that you need done and to come over early so your teens can have their living space to study or relax after dinner. And she and your dad can eat dinner with you.

Give her a choice if tasks that would be helpful to you, but not overtly exerting. If she would enjoy coming to cook dinner one night a week
And even cleanup thst would be might work for all. Other things might be to help with laundry and vacuum and dust areas not intrusive to your privacy such as family room, living dining room, sunroom or office.

You need to set the tone as your folks are not building connections in your area while they are healthy. Your mom will only become more reliant and demanding as she ages if you do not set the tone now.

We do have her cook one night. I am going to try to see if she would do the 2 nights. I noticed that they are less likely to come if it is very cold or bad weather, so I'm hoping for some snow. Part of me also feels guilty because I helped them move here so I feel like its my responsibility to put up with them. I don't let her yell at my kids, when she has I have told her its time for her to go home because shes causing problems (but this usually causes her to get irate because she thinks its disrespectful.) The worst arguments happened when I was not at home and she argues with my middle child but after the second occurrence, I no longer allow her home alone with her.

Anonymous wrote:Jeez what a dilemma. What about making one room a complete mess, like laundry room, kitchen, or basement so she can get worn out with that ? Idk!

Yes probably this!

Mom, the kids are responsible for cleaning their own rooms. If you want to help, you are in charge of the laundry and laundry room. You need to stay there if you want to help clean while you are over. We don't really know how to do laundry properly, like you, or ironing. You can help with that if you want to clean instead of visit.

Jeez what a dilemma. What about making one room a complete mess, like laundry room, kitchen, or basement so she can get worn out with that ? Idk!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. They moved here to be closer to us. They were originally a few hours a way. That was also challenging because they would come visit for long periods of time and not tell us when and how long they were staying. Sometimes it would stretch to months and our house is not very large. To answer a previous poster, she does not like to be tasked with things and is impatient and does not like to cook with the kids.

Oh God, what a nightmare. Did you ever tell your parents that this was way too much? Did you push back when they moved 10 min away? Use your words, OP, otherwise how is she to know? If she has a massive tantrum, that's her fault, not yours.

Yes but she gets irate and it's bad for all especially my dad. Whenever she is over (which is daily) we have to have a grandma filter on. If someone does or says something she doesn't like she will start berating them. My middle child is frequently the one that sets her off and they have gotten into screaming matches and I ask her to go home and she refuses. Usually she gets mad at me for not disciplining them to her liking. I don't like conflict with her so I engage very little when she is angry. When she is calm again, we don't revisit the issue again because I am afraid to set her off again. This is my daily life and I don't have a good solution.

OP, I have sympathy, but this is a terrible environment for your kids. You are all choosing to appease her to keep the peace rather than provide a safe secure home for them. I don’t understand parents who refuse to show up for their kids. You should stop allowing people who scream at your kids into your home. This tiptoeing around is how people adapt and respond to abusers.

OP - I think the two days a week is a good idea, but I would firmly tell her that you could use her help if she is willing to do tasks that you need done and to come over early so your teens can have their living space to study or relax after dinner. And she and your dad can eat dinner with you.

Give her a choice if tasks that would be helpful to you, but not overtly exerting. If she would enjoy coming to cook dinner one night a week
And even cleanup thst would be might work for all. Other things might be to help with laundry and vacuum and dust areas not intrusive to your privacy such as family room, living dining room, sunroom or office.

You need to set the tone as your folks are not building connections in your area while they are healthy. Your mom will only become more reliant and demanding as she ages if you do not set the tone now.