Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK I'm going to come out and say this: lay off the kid. He's more ambitious, has more grit and higher sights than you. These are all POSITIVE character traits. Somehow this rubs you wrong. Unless he does something illegal, I'd not worry. Remember, you have Congress members lying on their applications to get faculty positions. Let him try to the schools he wants and SUPPORT him in this. Don't stand in the way. Once acceptances roll in, worry about the rest. I'm saying this as someone who has a PhD and had to listen to my mom going "you don't need this" over and over for over a decade. I needed this. I got it (and did all the steps to get there). Ruined my relationship with mom for good as she was always so unsupportive. She never saw me for me.

This advice boils down to: let him be mean to people because he is smart/high achieving.

In my house, that’s not allowed. Kindness is a requirement. You don’t get out of it by excelling in another area because of the dangerous message that sends people (especially men).

You’re a bad parent if you don’t understand that this is a level of control that is too far.

Not allowing active meanness is one thing; requiring kindness is obnoxious.

NP. In my house our kids at least need to strive to be kind. But they don't have to be nice.

Great that he apologized. I would compliment him on that and emphasize that great leaders maintain their humanity and composure under pressure. Presumably he wants to go to a top school because he has high ambitions for whatever he intends to do in life. If he wants to be successful, he has to learn how to achieve AND foster relationships.

Anonymous wrote:I have had somewhat similar with my high-performing DD, although she’s not a liar and her issue is more perfectionism. When she is stressed by schoolwork and short on sleep she can be nasty to us. I mostly just let it go - she’s not yet an adult and is still learning how to behave, and she is not like that at other times. And she does often apologize later.

I have two thoughts about your specific situation - one, I agree with the concern above about stimulant abuse if he is sleeping that little and being very irritable. He could just be getting it from a friend or buying it. Two, maybe it’s a deep down thing that he’s anxious/scared about leaving home for college and the whole application process is rubbing his face in it…

Agree. That's great that he apologized. Make sure you let him know you appreciate that and also understand that when under pressure it's harder to be civil. It's harder, but it's still the family expectations. Be clear that you're worried about him. 3 hours sleep is not enough for most humans, but especially not for a growing body and brain.

Watch it for simulant abuse. Irritability can also be a sign of anxiety of depression.

I have had somewhat similar with my high-performing DD, although she’s not a liar and her issue is more perfectionism. When she is stressed by schoolwork and short on sleep she can be nasty to us. I mostly just let it go - she’s not yet an adult and is still learning how to behave, and she is not like that at other times. And she does often apologize later.

I have two thoughts about your specific situation - one, I agree with the concern above about stimulant abuse if he is sleeping that little and being very irritable. He could just be getting it from a friend or buying it. Two, maybe it’s a deep down thing that he’s anxious/scared about leaving home for college and the whole application process is rubbing his face in it…

Anonymous wrote:Plot twist: he sat down this morning and gave me a heartfelt apology and confessed his stress. THIS is what I was looking for. THIS is something I can work with, and he had to come to it on his own. Good luck to others (and probably me too).

Well that’s a good sign. Let him know that you admire his awareness, and that he should be sure never to behave that way again, to anyone.

taking the phone away from a senior in high school? LOL.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm with you 100% OP except mine is a senior. He got into his ED school, a very selective SLAC, and I think he's so ready to go and live and it's making him so hard to be around. There's pushback on everything, he want's to do it all himself. We've tried taking the phone away when he's rude and it doesn't help much. He's such a good kid to school and others, but at home he's hard to live with these days. I think we need to ride it out. Things will get better when life gets harder and these kids realize how good they had it.

Let him do most of it himself. If he wants to act like an adult, start treating him like one. Ask him to go grocery shopping for the home and pay for it, cook for you, handle house repairs, etc.

+1. Pushback is understandable because they are either already or close to being an adult. Start treating them like one. Taking a phone away from an adult is ridiculous.

Plot twist: he sat down this morning and gave me a heartfelt apology and confessed his stress. THIS is what I was looking for. THIS is something I can work with, and he had to come to it on his own. Good luck to others (and probably me too).

Op, start opening your mind to what will eventually be a peer relationship. Mutual respect. Treating each other respectfully.

Anonymous wrote:I'm with you 100% OP except mine is a senior. He got into his ED school, a very selective SLAC, and I think he's so ready to go and live and it's making him so hard to be around. There's pushback on everything, he want's to do it all himself. We've tried taking the phone away when he's rude and it doesn't help much. He's such a good kid to school and others, but at home he's hard to live with these days. I think we need to ride it out. Things will get better when life gets harder and these kids realize how good they had it.

Let him do most of it himself. If he wants to act like an adult, start treating him like one. Ask him to go grocery shopping for the home and pay for it, cook for you, handle house repairs, etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much do you do for him? Does he have chores? Stop doing a bunch of things for him until he treats you better. Is he always a jerk or you see glimmers of kindness. How long has he been acting this way?

It is entirely related to the college application process. He has chores and can be very sweet. But the stress and pressure has turned him into a nightmare much of the time.

Tell him the behavior is unacceptable, and if he doesn’t change it, you won’t be paying for any of his college expenses. Stress/pressure is not an excuse for unacceptable behavior and needs to be shut down immediately.

Consider having your family volunteer at a food bank regularly- including your high school junior. I heard Dr Lisa in a podcast say this can be a good way to give your kids some perspective and it is also just a nice thing to do!!!!

I'm with you 100% OP except mine is a senior. He got into his ED school, a very selective SLAC, and I think he's so ready to go and live and it's making him so hard to be around. There's pushback on everything, he want's to do it all himself. We've tried taking the phone away when he's rude and it doesn't help much. He's such a good kid to school and others, but at home he's hard to live with these days. I think we need to ride it out. Things will get better when life gets harder and these kids realize how good they had it.

Anonymous wrote:How long has he had the bad attitude? Just wondering if it's a new thing or he has always been challenging. Is your spouse in the picture? You need to have a respect conversation this weekend. I am sure you do nice things for him from car rides to favorite foods for him and his friends. Sometimes you need to remind them that when they are mean and rude, it's hard for you to want to continue to do these things. Good luck

I agree with this (I’m a mom of a 22 year old and a 19 yr old).

I was also wondering how long this had been going on. Is his behavior and attitude new to this school year? Been like this for a while?

I wondered about Dad too. My DH would not tolerate this behavior for a minute. If my kids were to speak rudely to me with their father within hearing distance, they’d very quickly learn why it’s unacceptable. There’s normal teen obnoxiousness and attitude, but then there’s what you seem to be living 24/7.

Normally the #1 advice I give parents of teens is don’t take things personally. But that said, you also don’t have to be a doormat, or not want to live in your own home. I wouldn’t continue to do “nice things” for him if he continues to treat you this way. The next time he asks for a ride somewhere, you can remind him of what he said to you the last time he was snotty and tell him that until he can be, at minimum, civil to you, no rides.

How is he sustaining three hours of sleep? That’s really not right and I’d look into how he’s keeping that up. Is he taking a stimulant?

OP, I am a mom of 3, 2 are grown and flown, 1 is still at home, so I do have some experience with teens.

You know how when they grow fast, the growth is sometimes uneven - the body is there, but the brain is not? Lack of maturity shows up in different ways, your kid is demonstrating one. Do not tolerate them being rude, call them out each time it involves you. But otherwise let the chips fall where they may, your kid will get their serving of a humble pie at some point - be ready to support them when that happens.

Good luck.