Do not call it a gift. Have your DH talk to them and say while you both appreciate their hosting you, that you have really sensitive allergies. Then have your DH offer to pay for a deep cleaning for their house for you. Do not make it sound like it is a gift for them. It is not. It is for you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only way I can think of would be to gift it on like an annual basis. A one-off would be interpreted as an insult, yes.

I'd be happy to gift on an annual basis. That said, are you imagining a way to phrase it that makes the annual offer less offensive?

I mean, who wouldn’t want housecleaning on a regular schedule? I think it’s a fine gift and wouldn’t overthink it.

Hoarders don't want it. My mom's house if like OP's in laws. I refuse to stay there. Last time I was there I literally filled a target bag with cat fur. I used to clean when I went there, but it's pointless

Anonymous wrote:You mentioned a baby. Once that child is crawling, walking, and getting into everything, being in that house will be a nightmare. (And if your kid has any tendency towards respiratory illnesses, it’s even more of a non-starter.)

You have the perfect opportunity to reset expectations here: starting your own holiday traditions at home.

That's exactly what was happening. Baby was putting balls of dog hair in the mouth amongst other things. We can't host because another relative has agoraphobia.

For us, there isn't any hoarding at all just a deep level of grime and hair. I understand that grime isn't what is setting off my allergy, but if I see grime then the dander is literally every where (beds, couches, etc). It just shows they they don't ever properly clean the house.

You mentioned a baby. Once that child is crawling, walking, and getting into everything, being in that house will be a nightmare. (And if your kid has any tendency towards respiratory illnesses, it’s even more of a non-starter.)

You have the perfect opportunity to reset expectations here: starting your own holiday traditions at home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard to make old people declutter. Maybe easier to just haul all the junk eventually

It will take months because there is some valuable stuff socked away. I am so good about selling or giving away things we no longer need meanwhile his parents have old toys in the attic and I don’t know what they’re saving it for because they refused to let us bring them down for our children to play with when they were younger. It’s so bizarre. Why wouldn’t you let your son bring down his childhood legos? Or let the kids read my sister in law’s old Nancy Drew books?

I went thru this with my hoarder mother and inept father who just kept sitting in all that junk until I was able to come for 6 weeks and get it done. I think maybe I should’ve just dumped it all. There was some cash recovered but nearly not enough to compensate for my time or effort or health (I developed some kind of sinus allergy as I was too careless about masking).

I have two single hoarder siblings in their 60s who never left home and continue to live in my deceased parents' house that was already cluttered (level 1 hoard). It is probably level 3 or higher now. My brother convinced my elderly mom to leave him the house. If he should die intestate and my other sister and I are left to deal with it, our plan is to sell it as is with everything in it. We don't need anything inside since we have our own homes and belongings. They refuse to hire a cleaner since they don't want anyone to see the sad state of the house and don't trust cleaners around their stuff. We always stayed at a hotel when visiting my parents because there was stuff everywhere that accumulated dust mites, pet hair and cockroaches.

Anonymous wrote:I was literally just thinking this about my in laws house! It’s not filthy, but they clearly need a deep clean (my kids’ white socks were brown on the bottom, the cabinet doors are greasy, etc).

But what I really want is for my husband to convince them to start declutterring. They are not hoarders but they have 50 years of stuff that they need to tack in their basement and attic and they are in their 80s and healthy enough to go through it now. On top of that, he has an aunt who lives in the house she inherited from his grandparents who never declutterred their home, and he’ll be responsible for cleaning two generations of stuff from that house when she passes. I just find it deeply unfair for elderly people to do this to their children.

He doesn't need to do that. All he has to do is sell it to a developer as is and they will remove everything.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard to make old people declutter. Maybe easier to just haul all the junk eventually

It will take months because there is some valuable stuff socked away. I am so good about selling or giving away things we no longer need meanwhile his parents have old toys in the attic and I don’t know what they’re saving it for because they refused to let us bring them down for our children to play with when they were younger. It’s so bizarre. Why wouldn’t you let your son bring down his childhood legos? Or let the kids read my sister in law’s old Nancy Drew books?

I went thru this with my hoarder mother and inept father who just kept sitting in all that junk until I was able to come for 6 weeks and get it done. I think maybe I should’ve just dumped it all. There was some cash recovered but nearly not enough to compensate for my time or effort or health (I developed some kind of sinus allergy as I was too careless about masking).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard to make old people declutter. Maybe easier to just haul all the junk eventually

It will take months because there is some valuable stuff socked away. I am so good about selling or giving away things we no longer need meanwhile his parents have old toys in the attic and I don’t know what they’re saving it for because they refused to let us bring them down for our children to play with when they were younger. It’s so bizarre. Why wouldn’t you let your son bring down his childhood legos? Or let the kids read my sister in law’s old Nancy Drew books?

Older people often cannot do the mental work of sorting items, and their physical health might preclude getting the stuff from the attic and standing for long hours to manipulate it. They probably have cataracts and can't see very well either. The other component is anxiety, in which they believe their stuff has sufficient emotional or financial value to justify storing it, or at least, to bar other people, especially strangers, from pawing through it.

Younger hoarders often have ADHD or autism and their brains can't sort either. But at its core, hoarding/accumulating/inability to sort is a cognitive issue associated with fear of loss.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I paid for monthly cleaning service at my parents' house after they turned about 75. It was necessary.

+ 1
Absolutely. We have paid for weekly cleaning service and landscaping services for our ILs and parents for years now. There are many other things that we have in place for them just so that they can continue living in their home for as long as they can. My greatest wish is that they never have to go to a nursing home. We are giving the assistance of the "Assisted Living" now to make it happen.

...oh, I meant to add that they don't have pets.

Anonymous wrote:I paid for monthly cleaning service at my parents' house after they turned about 75. It was necessary.

+ 1
Absolutely. We have paid for weekly cleaning service and landscaping services for our ILs and parents for years now. There are many other things that we have in place for them just so that they can continue living in their home for as long as they can. My greatest wish is that they never have to go to a nursing home. We are giving the assistance of the "Assisted Living" now to make it happen.

I think you should definitely ask, or have your husband insist. Blame everything on your allergies, which is probably true: it's the dog and not the grime. You can't really be allergic to grime, OP, because if the dander is trapped you can't breathe it in. So don't tell them that Tell them the dog dander is trapped in the house and only a deep clean can get rid of it.

The issue is... I think there is a high likelihood they might refuse. Older people are really set in their ways, and if they don't have a cleaning service already, they may be part of the large number of elderly folk who just don't want strangers in their house. My parents hate having strangers in their home. They got rid of their one and only housecleaner when I was a young teenager, saying they didn't really need her and didn't trust her. They grudgingly accept the visits of a physical therapist, because it was prescribed for my father's serious chronic disease. But a cleaner? I've been pushing for years and they keep refusing. My mother is also very frail and would benefit from the services of the same therapist, but even though he comes twice a week for my father, she hasn't mustered up the courage to ask him if he can work with her as well! I mean, they're really far gone in their little asocial bubble...

I'm wondering what they'd do if I hired a cleaner to come to their house as a "surprise". Would they freak out? I think they would. But it's to getting the point where I might just have to do that.

Anyway. Best of luck, and if they refuse to clean the house, stay in a hotel and only do very short visits.

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard to make old people declutter. Maybe easier to just haul all the junk eventually

It will take months because there is some valuable stuff socked away. I am so good about selling or giving away things we no longer need meanwhile his parents have old toys in the attic and I don’t know what they’re saving it for because they refused to let us bring them down for our children to play with when they were younger. It’s so bizarre. Why wouldn’t you let your son bring down his childhood legos? Or let the kids read my sister in law’s old Nancy Drew books?

It’s hard to make old people declutter. Maybe easier to just haul all the junk eventually

I was literally just thinking this about my in laws house! It’s not filthy, but they clearly need a deep clean (my kids’ white socks were brown on the bottom, the cabinet doors are greasy, etc).

But what I really want is for my husband to convince them to start declutterring. They are not hoarders but they have 50 years of stuff that they need to tack in their basement and attic and they are in their 80s and healthy enough to go through it now. On top of that, he has an aunt who lives in the house she inherited from his grandparents who never declutterred their home, and he’ll be responsible for cleaning two generations of stuff from that house when she passes. I just find it deeply unfair for elderly people to do this to their children.

No it's going to be offensive because its not a gift, its about you.