Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t want to be the bearer of bad news…but it’s likely too late for your parents. Seems like around 75ish, elderly suffer from decision paralysis. They will say all the right things, but it’s too late for them to actually do it.

Save your sanity and stop trying to make it happen and spend your time finding the facility they will have to enter when an emergency forces the issue.

This.
There will be an emergency of some sort and you will have to drop everything and go take care of it. It will take weeks and you’ll feel guilty and angry.

My parents had decision paralysis their whole lives, so it's hard to say if 75 was a meaningful marker in our case, but I will say health began to steeply decline around 70 and by 75 I can't imagine them doing anything like a move on their own. My siblings and I are waiting on a fall to force the issue. It sounds horrible, but they are adults (according to the law anyway) and we can't make them do anything.

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone - I should have been clear - my parents have toured and know the exact place they plan to move to. My brother and I need to figure out how to get them there.

It does sound like we will just have to take over. We always knew they'd need help and planned to be there for it, but have been waiting for them to make the decision. These responses are crystallizing that my brother and I are going to have to just go do it. I think they will listen to him forcing the issue and then will let me do all the planning/execution.

If they have a place already and it’s continuing care they can likely give you recs for companies that help with the move and downsizing.

As others have said it’s much easier (but still a lot of work) to get them to decide what’s going to the new place and dealing with what’s left in the house after.

These elder move companies are great with helping figure out what furniture will actually fit (with a floor plan of the new place) and will haul the donations (and clutter that is trash) away.

After 80 it's really really scary for many to move. My in laws thankfully moved 2 years before FIL turned 80. Should have done it 5 years earlier at least but Covid etc. They emptied most of the house themselves and we took a few bigger sentimental furniture pieces, but they also managed to toss the photo albums and paperwork that their kids would have like to keep. We did introduce them to a really good real estate agent who was patient and held their hand through any updates before selling and really got their confidence up that they were doing the right thing. They are happy at their retirement community now and keep saying they should have moved earlier!

Anonymous wrote:Don’t want to be the bearer of bad news…but it’s likely too late for your parents. Seems like around 75ish, elderly suffer from decision paralysis. They will say all the right things, but it’s too late for them to actually do it.

Save your sanity and stop trying to make it happen and spend your time finding the facility they will have to enter when an emergency forces the issue.

This.
There will be an emergency of some sort and you will have to drop everything and go take care of it. It will take weeks and you’ll feel guilty and angry.

There's a saying ~ do the work yourself and do it early choosing your old-folks-home, or someone else will do it for you.

12:23 poster here again. The siblings looked/researched and narrowed the list to 3 place. Showed Mom only 3 places. "Pick one"

If she had offered-up alternatives, other places to see/look at, we wouldn't have narrowed to those 3. But you can only do what you think is best. Give them some choice, not too much that it's overwhelming. If 4 siblings like us, agreed enough on the 3 choices, that was good enough.

For anyone w/an Alzheimer's parent, I'll add this: the room was all set-up for Dad the first time Dad walked it. A huge, new tv turned-on to The Golf Channel, favorite chair, favorite snacks next to the chair. My brother purchased and set up the tv, and had it on. The "on" seemed important. Dad was happy to remain at the place with the big tv.

Good thread. Dealing with this now and wish my parents would have acted 10 to 15 years ago. Dad is now 87 and his health is failing. Mom is 78 and has issues of her own.

They have looked at multiple places, but there was always some sort of issue. More from my Dad rather than my Mom. It doesn't help that my parents live in the house my Dad has lived his entire life.

So, it's tough. My sister and I are working through this now and are doing our best to figure it out.

PP- paying services to help with this also helps; my mom was resistant to this but I do think you can force some of those services if your parents are both truly paralyzed about moving forward.

Just went through this with older parents than yours- late 80s but cognitively intact. I’m an only child. Found them an independent living facility near me that they visited and liked and we executed a light move where they still have belongings in their home that I will sell/inherit/deal with after I have my second baby in a couple months.
It’s not ideal because we have two places at once but if you can afford it short term, it helped pare down the move itself, which was completely overwhelming to my my mom who did most of the planning, and then once they’re out with whatever they absolutely need and want, you and your sibling can divide and conquer on the sale or whatever comes next. In terms of execution, identify the parent who is most execution oriented and be their partner in going through items and getting it moving. You have to have at least one truly willing to do it though. For my parents we also waited too long but I think their fear of being in another city away from me during my pregnancy and having less support than they do in the facility eventually pushed them over the hump.

So my mom was ready to move but overwhelmed. I did everything. You will have to do this in several stages.

0) step zero: make sure you are POA and have all banking insurance social security etc information. Copies of wills, etc. If they have stopped driving and have cars, get them to go with you to dealer to sell them and sign over title. We sold my mom's car and got a nice chunk of change to help with the move.

1) visit the AL with your parents, get on a list, make a deposit (usually you can get back, but it holds your spot). If you can get them to agree on a move in date, tell them you will handle everything about the move. (or hire someone who will). If I were you I would make sure that the AL has a full suite of medical practices available to them--visiiting doctors, dentists, podiatrists, etc. They may want to keep seeing their doctors but at a certain point it will be easier to use the ones who make house calls.

2) Move them into the AL. Dont worry about packing too much ahead of time, they will not be able to handle on their own. Have them choose the furniture etc but make sure it fits, and have movers come and pack and move in a day. The longer this stretches out the harder it will be for them. My mom actually moved across country so we just sent out personal items and some art. I bought new furniture and cookware for her (spoiler, she never even used the coffee maker). They will want personal items, etc. Tell them that they'd not have to do it all at once, the house will still be there and they can go back and get more things to ease decision street, but ensure that you get them into their new place and settled quickly. Give them a month to think about things that they may want while you prep for the next stages. If they have tons and tons of stuff and mixed paperwork, consider hiring an organizer who specializes in downsizing.

3) Once they are in, ensure that you find someplace to put away valuables that they or you and siblings want to keep. maybe a small storage facility for "we dont know but we/they might want it". While most things are not as valuable as you think, dont rush if your parents have nice things (I did and deeply regret it--once I saw the stuff the estate company sold for 200$ being resold at auction for 10k). Call a local auction company if they do have nice things and no one wants it.. For the rest, use a company like caring transitions, they will handle selling and donating the junkier stuff.

4) Engage a real estate agent during step 3, and get advice on selling as is/what repairs may need to be made/whether staging etc would help. If the parents have huge capital gains significantly exceeding 500k, consider whether renting is better and feasible, otherwise sell the house.

You will pay people to do things quickly that you or they could do slowly and generally it will be worth it,even if some mistakes are made. Making decisions about what to keep/how to move is overwhelming for anyone, and for older people it is often completely paralyzing. Have them focus on the future and next steps, and not worry about how to get there.

One gift to you will be that when your parents either have a medical crisis or inevitably pass, a lot of this stuff has already been dealt with.

Are they on the list of where they want to move?