Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:51 M who didn’t leave and stayed for the kids. The years I have invested with the kids have been great, but I regret every minute of the marriage. I am not an ahole or addict, just a guy who apparently became too safe for a SAHM to stay faithful. I wish I had left before and am filing early next year.

Hopefully, I can find someone who can love me after ~20 years of loneliness and now having a STD from my kids Dear Mom. I will never get my life back, but maybe I can build a new one before I die. If not, at least I will no longer dread coming home.

With all due respect, sounds like you haven’t done the work yet. I have said as much to two of my female friends who play victim 100% of the time after their DHs cheated too.

Considering I am the victim in this situation, I don’t have to play the victim. Please tell me the reasons that I should own her lies, manipulations and deception, so I can blame myself for being abused by the woman I gave everything I had to for half of my life.

You were the victim of cheating, but you were not the victim of the dissolution of the marriage. Do people really think life is so black and white??

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you now divorced, OP?

My advice, don’t make any decisions the first year. Is he remorseful and making reparations? Is he in therapy? Does he understand WHY?

I was ready to leave, I had consulted attorneys. One and a half years out, I am thankful that I didn’t, but we’ve both done a lot of work and our marriage is better than ever.

He’s will cheat again. You must know this. Stop giving bad advice just because you are willing to compromise.

DP. False. That’s a trope. Not every cheater or marriage is the same.

Yes they are

Once a cheater always a cheater.

Women or men stay because of economics nothing more.

Given the new laws heading to every single state women will stay because they won't be able to iniciate divorce.

This.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you now divorced, OP?

My advice, don’t make any decisions the first year. Is he remorseful and making reparations? Is he in therapy? Does he understand WHY?

I was ready to leave, I had consulted attorneys. One and a half years out, I am thankful that I didn’t, but we’ve both done a lot of work and our marriage is better than ever.

He’s will cheat again. You must know this. Stop giving bad advice just because you are willing to compromise.

DP. False. That’s a trope. Not every cheater or marriage is the same.

Yes they are

Once a cheater always a cheater.

Women or men stay because of economics nothing more.

Given the new laws heading to every single state women will stay because they won't be able to iniciate divorce.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you now divorced, OP?

My advice, don’t make any decisions the first year. Is he remorseful and making reparations? Is he in therapy? Does he understand WHY?

I was ready to leave, I had consulted attorneys. One and a half years out, I am thankful that I didn’t, but we’ve both done a lot of work and our marriage is better than ever.

He’s will cheat again. You must know this. Stop giving bad advice just because you are willing to compromise.

DP. False. That’s a trope. Not every cheater or marriage is the same.

Yes they are

Once a cheater always a cheater.

Women or men stay because of economics nothing more.

Given the new laws heading to every single state women will stay because they won't be able to iniciate divorce.

Anonymous wrote:You have your dignity, because you refused to let someone betray you. That counts.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you now divorced, OP?

My advice, don’t make any decisions the first year. Is he remorseful and making reparations? Is he in therapy? Does he understand WHY?

I was ready to leave, I had consulted attorneys. One and a half years out, I am thankful that I didn’t, but we’ve both done a lot of work and our marriage is better than ever.

He’s will cheat again. You must know this. Stop giving bad advice just because you are willing to compromise.

DP. False. That’s a trope. Not every cheater or marriage is the same.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you now divorced, OP?

My advice, don’t make any decisions the first year. Is he remorseful and making reparations? Is he in therapy? Does he understand WHY?

I was ready to leave, I had consulted attorneys. One and a half years out, I am thankful that I didn’t, but we’ve both done a lot of work and our marriage is better than ever.

He’s will cheat again. You must know this. Stop giving bad advice just because you are willing to compromise.

Anonymous wrote:Have never regretted it. I had hard evidence, and I gave him a chance to redeem himself in therapy, but it became very clear that he was lying in therapy, had no real understanding of the impact of his actions on others and little capacity or interest in change. So, I was able to stop falling for his gaslighting and kick him out. That allowed me to move forward without any regret in the sense of wondering if I had done something different maybe we would have come through it.

I have never looked back and wished I hadn’t kicked him out - not for myself and not for my kids. Not when I was alone (i.e. not in another relationship), not when I feared only seeing the kids 50% (of course, he did not want any custody), not when the kids were sad at not having a present dad (he wasn’t present when we were together), and not when I endured financial hardship (his character as revealed by the infidelity ensured that it was also a financial risk to stay together), and especially not when they were older and became entangled in their own abusive relationships (when I could authentically say to them no relationship is worth enduring abuse).

Both kids are wonderful, each has lasting scars from their dad, but they have grown beyond that.

The regret picking him for a father, not vetting my relationships hall of them prior to kids) more explicitly for marriage, household and parenting compatibility (beyond just the guy’s claims). But, OFC, I don’t regret having my kids.

I also regret not moving more quickly after our split to parallel parenting, not sticking strictly to custody terms and not providing him so much flexibility, not grey-rocking and just generally treating him like a rational person who wanted to be a good parent but didn’t know how for a variety of reasons.

I also regret not pushing for more equitable financial responsibility on medical, extra-curricular, and college. I wish I had taken him to court when he paid less than was fair. I thought settling things amicably between us would be easier, but in the end it just made me more vulnerable in a variety of ways.

But, I will never regret dumping him - best thing I did for myself and the kids.n

Anonymous wrote:I stayed, because I had young kids and a chronic illness and felt really attached to him. He promised to change blah blah.

I think our marriage was fine, except for the part where I gave and gave and gave and got very little in return, other than financial security. But we were good friends, had a good sex life, didn't fight (because he's conflict avoidant). I was able to be a SAHM with plenty of money for trips, if I felt well enough to take them. He acted like my illness was a terrible punishment for him, so that wasn't fun.

Then ten years later he had another affair and left. I'm worried he's descending into alcoholism too. Or rather, I was in denial about how he is already there. He agreed to split custody 60/40 (me/him, obviously) and when he does have the kids, he's going out with his friends instead of spending time with them. He never has food at his house, or cleans anything. My daughter keeps smelling cigarette smoke in his car, so I guess he's added that to the mix as well.

But he's high functioning and high earning, so for now at least, I am receiving sizable alimony. It's like in some bizarre Greek tragedy he's decided to torpedo his own life and make mine amazing. I was scared and sad at first. It felt like a matter of survival . . . how could I be OK as a chronically ill person on my own? But the thing is, he acted like it was so much worse than it is. With plenty of time to rest (which I now have, because 40% of the time my kids are with him, whereas before I did 95% of everything) I can manage it OK. So I'm basically semi-retired now, and I have disposable income, and I can figure out who I am and what I like.

I know this isn't the financial or custodial situation that most divorced moms face, but I do imagine that the emotions -- the feeling that your survival is at stake, the difficulty of assessing whether or not you're really happy when you have kids to think about -- are pretty universal. I tried staying, and forgiving, and I was surviving, but I wasn't thriving. Now he's left and it's like I've won the lottery.

I wouldn't have chosen to be separated from my kids, but they are teenagers now and have phones, and he bought a house only two blocks away. They stop by for hugs, they FaceTime me to tell me about their days, they ask to do our special things together. They struggle with feeling angry at him, and I'm learning to let him screw up his relationship with them. He's a grown human, and I've covered for him for far too long. I used to feel guilty for not intervening, but I'm learning to let go.

OP I don't know your exact scenario. But I do know that infidelity, with its blameshifting and gaslighting and sexual trauma, is a form of abuse. And a person who is willing to do that to you is probably not a great partner in other respects either. My ex could have remained faithful after his first affair, but he never became a selfless or honest or empathetic person. His capacity for those qualities is just very stunted. If you are staying, make sure you do it with your eyes wide open. I kept living by the golden rule, but we were playing by two different sets of rules, so I was always going to lose. You shouldn't extend trust to someone who isn't trustworthy. You shouldn't prioritize someone who isn't prioritizing you. And so on.

Anonymous wrote:Are you now divorced, OP?

My advice, don’t make any decisions the first year. Is he remorseful and making reparations? Is he in therapy? Does he understand WHY?

I was ready to leave, I had consulted attorneys. One and a half years out, I am thankful that I didn’t, but we’ve both done a lot of work and our marriage is better than ever.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:51 M who didn’t leave and stayed for the kids. The years I have invested with the kids have been great, but I regret every minute of the marriage. I am not an ahole or addict, just a guy who apparently became too safe for a SAHM to stay faithful. I wish I had left before and am filing early next year.

Hopefully, I can find someone who can love me after ~20 years of loneliness and now having a STD from my kids Dear Mom. I will never get my life back, but maybe I can build a new one before I die. If not, at least I will no longer dread coming home.

With all due respect, sounds like you haven’t done the work yet. I have said as much to two of my female friends who play victim 100% of the time after their DHs cheated too.

Considering I am the victim in this situation, I don’t have to play the victim. Please tell me the reasons that I should own her lies, manipulations and deception, so I can blame myself for being abused by the woman I gave everything I had to for half of my life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:51 M who didn’t leave and stayed for the kids. The years I have invested with the kids have been great, but I regret every minute of the marriage. I am not an ahole or addict, just a guy who apparently became too safe for a SAHM to stay faithful. I wish I had left before and am filing early next year.

Hopefully, I can find someone who can love me after ~20 years of loneliness and now having a STD from my kids Dear Mom. I will never get my life back, but maybe I can build a new one before I die. If not, at least I will no longer dread coming home.

With all due respect, sounds like you haven’t done the work yet. I have said as much to two of my female friends who play victim 100% of the time after their DHs cheated too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have your dignity, because you refused to let someone betray you. That counts.

This dignity crap is toxic AF.