Anonymous wrote:yes, they could change if there is motivation. You also need to adjust your expectation because I see a lot of resentment in you. How old is he and what do you want from him?

I want him to spend a few minutes a day considering my well being and how he can positively impact it.

Since we had a fight about this recently, he just texted me asking me how I’m doing since I have back to back high stakes presentations today (one just went well so I’m unwinding for a minute on DCUM).

He used to demonstrate concern for my well being regularly but that almost completely stopped over the past several years, and no I did not get fat or cut off sex.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been married 12 years to a man who is genuinely a good, ethical man who is *capable* of empathy.

That said, he also has what we’ll call narcissistic tendencies (not full blown - there are moments of clarity), and he has been a self centered ass during many periods in our marriage where I really needed support. Like when I got laid off right after maternity leave and had to go on months of grueling and discouraging interviews while taking care of 2 young children.

Or like when he did absolutely nothing for my 40th birthday 2 years after I coordinated a great party for his birthday.

After some very serious fights and discussions he is claiming to recognize the self centered neglect and impact it has had on me.

Can a person ever truly change? Or should I prepare for more of the same?

Typical woman, accumulating resentments, ready to list grievances in a fight. Can you change?

Typical idiot, ignoring that past is prologue, demanding a clear slate as if you didn't do what you did. If you don't apologize for you BS, you don't clear it. Don't blame others for remembering you were a jerk, gaslighting mf

Got it. You ARE a typical, petty woman who accumulates grievances for the purposes of weaponizing them in a fight later. And you have no intention of changing your nagging, negative, uptight ways. What a twat.

This is OP. The above was not me, but was excellently stated! You are going to die alone and unloved.

I think it’s more helpful to consider exactly how he is now and decide if you want to stay or divorce.

The positive side of this is that you are in control of your own behavior. So for example, if it’s hurtful that he spends zero effort on your birthday, then think about if you would feel better if you matched that energy. You could invest that effort on relationships with friends who actually appreciate and reciprocate your efforts.

I did something similar. I also have young kids and I decided that the things that were wrong in the marriage were not worth getting divorced over.

Effort and gifts was also an area that hurt my feelings. For me, emotionally, I decided that we needed to stop gifts to each other altogether. No Christmas presents, stockings, birthday gifts. That way I wouldn’t set myself up to be disappointed when he failed, and I also wouldn’t put in so much effort with no appreciation in return. There were lots of things like that I needed to adjust, and it worked for the most part.

I wouldn’t say my marriage is great. It’s not.
But I no longer feel resentful and I’m much more at peace with my relationship. I can laugh and enjoy his company when we’re out with the kids or sharing a meal at home. I look at everything through the lens of “is it worth divorcing over?” And if the answer is no, then I think about an accommodation to make it more palatable. Maybe when the kids are out of the house, I’ll reevaluate but for now I’m happy with my decision.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been married 12 years to a man who is genuinely a good, ethical man who is *capable* of empathy.

That said, he also has what we’ll call narcissistic tendencies (not full blown - there are moments of clarity), and he has been a self centered ass during many periods in our marriage where I really needed support. Like when I got laid off right after maternity leave and had to go on months of grueling and discouraging interviews while taking care of 2 young children.

Or like when he did absolutely nothing for my 40th birthday 2 years after I coordinated a great party for his birthday.

After some very serious fights and discussions he is claiming to recognize the self centered neglect and impact it has had on me.

Can a person ever truly change? Or should I prepare for more of the same?

Typical woman, accumulating resentments, ready to list grievances in a fight. Can you change?

Typical idiot, ignoring that past is prologue, demanding a clear slate as if you didn't do what you did. If you don't apologize for you BS, you don't clear it. Don't blame others for remembering you were a jerk, gaslighting mf

Got it. You ARE a typical, petty woman who accumulates grievances for the purposes of weaponizing them in a fight later. And you have no intention of changing your nagging, negative, uptight ways. What a twat.

You sound lovely.

I am. I'm also must excellent. You sound like a bitter shrew who can't get a man.

You're definitely musty

I have been married 12 years to a man who is genuinely a good, ethical man who is *capable* of empathy.

What makes you way that? What about him makes him genuinely good, ethical, and capable of empathy?

Anonymous wrote:I married someone that NOBODY would have thought would cave.

That was your sign.

"This is so tragically naive. There's no predicting who can "grow and change together" BECAUSE no one stays the same. You can try to find someone you're generally compatible with, and you can try to find someone who's open to change and willing to evolve, but there are zero guarantees here. Life gets lifey and there's no way to predict who will step up and handle it and who might crumple and fold."

THIS THIS THIS

I married someone that NOBODY would have thought would cave. It took several years, but eventually conditions changed and he could no longer hold it together. What we all thought was a stable, do the right thing - stand up man was actually all a facade that he'd spent a lifetime constructing and maintaining. Interestingly, it was when he started to realize that he was a people pleaser "good guy" that he overcompensated and decided to become fixated on finally getting what HE wanted, to hell with everyone else.

My husband has def improved over the last 30 years. It has taken a lot of work on his part and patience on mine. And, I had to be really clear about my needs and specifically what I needed from him: "I don't care about gifts but I need a heartfelt card from you for my birthday, anniversary and Christmas." I have also improved a lot as well. I'm 100% guilty of the wine example above and have changed my ways after significant frustration expressed by DH. That's just one example. I will say: expressing anger didn't seem to work for either of us. Clearly expressing a need did.

Consistently be fair and kind to him and befriend couples who are good role models of healthy relationships.

Anonymous wrote:I have been married 12 years to a man who is genuinely a good, ethical man who is *capable* of empathy.

That said, he also has what we’ll call narcissistic tendencies (not full blown - there are moments of clarity), and he has been a self centered ass during many periods in our marriage where I really needed support. Like when I got laid off right after maternity leave and had to go on months of grueling and discouraging interviews while taking care of 2 young children.

Or like when he did absolutely nothing for my 40th birthday 2 years after I coordinated a great party for his birthday.

After some very serious fights and discussions he is claiming to recognize the self centered neglect and impact it has had on me.

Can a person ever truly change? Or should I prepare for more of the same?

Most people do improve with time. Mine did. I'm glad I didn't give up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been married 12 years to a man who is genuinely a good, ethical man who is *capable* of empathy.

That said, he also has what we’ll call narcissistic tendencies (not full blown - there are moments of clarity), and he has been a self centered ass during many periods in our marriage where I really needed support. Like when I got laid off right after maternity leave and had to go on months of grueling and discouraging interviews while taking care of 2 young children.

Or like when he did absolutely nothing for my 40th birthday 2 years after I coordinated a great party for his birthday.

After some very serious fights and discussions he is claiming to recognize the self centered neglect and impact it has had on me.

Can a person ever truly change? Or should I prepare for more of the same?

Typical woman, accumulating resentments, ready to list grievances in a fight. Can you change?

Typical idiot, ignoring that past is prologue, demanding a clear slate as if you didn't do what you did. If you don't apologize for you BS, you don't clear it. Don't blame others for remembering you were a jerk, gaslighting mf

Got it. You ARE a typical, petty woman who accumulates grievances for the purposes of weaponizing them in a fight later. And you have no intention of changing your nagging, negative, uptight ways. What a twat.

You sound lovely.

I am. I'm also must excellent. You sound like a bitter shrew who can't get a man.