Anonymous wrote:Sounds like my FIL. I think maybe on the spectrum.
He has never so much as offered to take us to dinner. He doesn't talk to the kids or ask them about themselves. He definitely doesnt ask about us. He tells the same anecdotes over and over about dead relatives and dead pets he once owned. We showed him our remodeled kitchen and he just nodded his head, couldnt even bring himself to say "looks nice." And we bend over backwards to make him comfortable and get the food and drink he likes.
The weirdest part is that he expects us to rave about every repair he makes on his house. "You didnt notice i fixed my fence." "Did you see my new toilet?"

Why do you bend over backwards?

I would delegate all communication with him, including visit invites, to his son. That will probably solve most of the problems because he won’t consistently communicate. Done

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Where is your husband? That's his father -- take up your issues about your FIL with him.

Why did you expect to pay for anything?

Because normal people offer to pay for dinner. Especially well off parents. Especially when their children had serious stress about their job this year.

If you’re visiting a home for a week you should offer to pay for dinner at least once. The offer part is the important part.

Serious stress from a job in the past means free meals? What? Why should one person pay for 3+ others? That doesn't seem very fair.

Anonymous wrote:Troll post. Don’t feed the troll.

Agree with this. The are even becoming nonsensical.

Sounds like my FIL. I think maybe on the spectrum.
He has never so much as offered to take us to dinner. He doesn't talk to the kids or ask them about themselves. He definitely doesnt ask about us. He tells the same anecdotes over and over about dead relatives and dead pets he once owned. We showed him our remodeled kitchen and he just nodded his head, couldnt even bring himself to say "looks nice." And we bend over backwards to make him comfortable and get the food and drink he likes.
The weirdest part is that he expects us to rave about every repair he makes on his house. "You didnt notice i fixed my fence." "Did you see my new toilet?"

So what was the purpose of this visit? Who invited him? If you're not doing so well financially or health wise, perhaps you shouldn't have offered to host?

Troll post. Don’t feed the troll.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was this the first time you met and interacted with this man? And no, normally family doesn't pay for meals when they visit. My parents or ILs never do. Neither do we when we visit and stay with them. We don't see them so often that this would be a problem and we mostly have homecooked meals anyway. Paying is normally for friends, who you rarely see and feel that it's appropriate to chip in when you stay in their house.

I’m glad you don’t see it as a problem but I do. I think it’s so bizarre to go to someone’s house and never offer to pay for anything. I also think it’s bizarre to insist on particular restaurants, order the most expensive things on the menu and never bother to chip in. Sorry that’s rude especially if I had to hear how he was such a corporate hotshot and retired “rolling in dough”.

NP. Why didn't you use your words? "Sorry, we can't afford that restaurant." "Sorry, we can only afford to go out once this month."

I did the frustration here is that he doesn’t listen.

Then how did you wind up at that restaurant if you couldn't afford to go? Just ... don't get in the car. It sounds like he doesn't listen because you don't speak directly.

Just so we are clear, my frustration is not from the restaurant visits it’s the entire trip. The entire trip where he ignored our stated or implied needs, talked over us, or disregarded what we said. If he was just rude at one restaurant I would probably be okay just slightly annoyed. But the daily grind of doing everything for someone who gives you as much attention as a houseplant and can’t even be bothered to put a plate in a dishwasher is too much for me. I didn’t sign up to become my father in laws personal butler.

I guess you just have a very different dynamic than we do with houseguests. We say "make yourself at home" if someone stays, and it's understood that they will mostly clean up after themselves by putting their dishes in the dishwasher, asking if they should run it, stripping the bed at the end of their stay, and overall be helpful. We will pay for all meals and entertainment, but they will offer to cover a meal whether that's takeout or going out. And we'd have no issue with saying "Would you please put your breakfast stuff in the dishwasher?" "Would you clear the table while I put away the leftovers and DH sweeps the floor?" "It would be a big help if you'd assist DD with studying for her spelling and vocab test." We ask for what we want.

How often does he visit? If it’s a few times a year, you can suck it up.

It use to frustrate me to hear my MIL drone on about how she’s so popular at the yoga studio/with her running group/etc. and how she always gets deals on things because people love her so much, etc. She’s also an authority on practically everything. It’s insecurity. She doesn’t have close friends and it bothers her.

She also wants her grandchildren to see her in a certain way. They are older now and see right through it. I have to remind them to be respectful, smile and move on.

She visits a few times a year so I’ve learned to take a deep breath and let it go.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was this the first time you met and interacted with this man? And no, normally family doesn't pay for meals when they visit. My parents or ILs never do. Neither do we when we visit and stay with them. We don't see them so often that this would be a problem and we mostly have homecooked meals anyway. Paying is normally for friends, who you rarely see and feel that it's appropriate to chip in when you stay in their house.

I’m glad you don’t see it as a problem but I do. I think it’s so bizarre to go to someone’s house and never offer to pay for anything. I also think it’s bizarre to insist on particular restaurants, order the most expensive things on the menu and never bother to chip in. Sorry that’s rude especially if I had to hear how he was such a corporate hotshot and retired “rolling in dough”.

did you offer to help pay for his travel costs?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was this the first time you met and interacted with this man? And no, normally family doesn't pay for meals when they visit. My parents or ILs never do. Neither do we when we visit and stay with them. We don't see them so often that this would be a problem and we mostly have homecooked meals anyway. Paying is normally for friends, who you rarely see and feel that it's appropriate to chip in when you stay in their house.

I’m glad you don’t see it as a problem but I do. I think it’s so bizarre to go to someone’s house and never offer to pay for anything. I also think it’s bizarre to insist on particular restaurants, order the most expensive things on the menu and never bother to chip in. Sorry that’s rude especially if I had to hear how he was such a corporate hotshot and retired “rolling in dough”.

NP. Why didn't you use your words? "Sorry, we can't afford that restaurant." "Sorry, we can only afford to go out once this month."

I did the frustration here is that he doesn’t listen.

Then how did you wind up at that restaurant if you couldn't afford to go? Just ... don't get in the car. It sounds like he doesn't listen because you don't speak directly.

Just so we are clear, my frustration is not from the restaurant visits it’s the entire trip. The entire trip where he ignored our stated or implied needs, talked over us, or disregarded what we said. If he was just rude at one restaurant I would probably be okay just slightly annoyed. But the daily grind of doing everything for someone who gives you as much attention as a houseplant and can’t even be bothered to put a plate in a dishwasher is too much for me. I didn’t sign up to become my father in laws personal butler.

Anonymous wrote:This would be grating when you are struggling financially and yet trying to accommodate, go out, and cook nice meals.
If he knows you are struggling, he is truly tone deaf and insensitive.

He knows. And he is tone deaf and insensitive.

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Anonymous wrote:Father in law just visited us. Mother in law is not in the picture. He never once asked any of us how we are doing and barely spoke to my daughter. He only monologued about his successful business career and retirement. He has plenty of money. He never even offered to pay or help us with meals. He left yesterday and literally cleaned out our fridge, taking a bunch of fruit and sodas. I am so frustrated. I got a text thank you. That’s it. I never want to see that awful man again.

I never understand these posts. Why didn't YOU control things? "Oh Bob, that fruit is actually for Haley's lunches this week. I can give you a banana for the plane if you want." "Wow, I'm glad you're enjoying your retirement. Listen to what Haley's presentation is about next week - she can practice it for you!" "We're having stir fry tonight to use up the remaining vegetables before they go bad. I know you mentioned wanting to go out to a steakhouse, but that's just not in our budget. Don't worry - Brian's stirfry is very flavorful!"

He stole all that food when we had left the house. It’s explained above. When I returned I saw what he had done. We did what you suggested and he would half heartedly speak to the kids and then say he had to “check his email”. We did actually say things like “sure we would love to go to xyc pricey restaurant but remember how we were furloughed?” Also note that I did not say “help yourself” once since I know his gluttonous nature. Instead when he’d insist on a long list of good items to be purchased for him I would say we are on a tight budget, can we substitute berries for apples? Btw his answer was no

You need to learn to communicate better. You don't ASK if you can substitute when you can't afford. You TELL. "We can't afford those berries so we got you apples." "I know you want caviar and Grey Poupon but we were furloughed and can't afford things like that." Use your words.

Ok would you literally TELL your father in law you’re gonna pay for dinner this time? Because I genuinely thought about it but felt it would be too rude. My daughter initially picked out a pricey entre at dinner and I said “that’s pretty expensive considering we were just furloughed”. Father in law definitely listened and ordered the second most expensive thing on the menu but didn’t insist on getting his usual appetizer and extra side and dessert. But he still did not offer to pay.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was this the first time you met and interacted with this man? And no, normally family doesn't pay for meals when they visit. My parents or ILs never do. Neither do we when we visit and stay with them. We don't see them so often that this would be a problem and we mostly have homecooked meals anyway. Paying is normally for friends, who you rarely see and feel that it's appropriate to chip in when you stay in their house.

I’m glad you don’t see it as a problem but I do. I think it’s so bizarre to go to someone’s house and never offer to pay for anything. I also think it’s bizarre to insist on particular restaurants, order the most expensive things on the menu and never bother to chip in. Sorry that’s rude especially if I had to hear how he was such a corporate hotshot and retired “rolling in dough”.

NP. Why didn't you use your words? "Sorry, we can't afford that restaurant." "Sorry, we can only afford to go out once this month."

I did the frustration here is that he doesn’t listen.

Then how did you wind up at that restaurant if you couldn't afford to go? Just ... don't get in the car. It sounds like he doesn't listen because you don't speak directly.

This would be grating when you are struggling financially and yet trying to accommodate, go out, and cook nice meals.
If he knows you are struggling, he is truly tone deaf and insensitive.