Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has your husband wanted them to come for all these years? Or is this something you encouraged because “family”?

If he never really was the driver here, I think you can tell him you prefer to stop doing this. If he has wanted his parents there in the past, then I would tell him my preference but also really listen to take his temperature. If he wanted me to move on (and this wasn’t a pattern), then I would move on this one time. Don’t make a decision over this one moment.

This comment also probably wasn’t directed at you at all even if you took it that way. This woman wasn’t thinking “I’ve hated their thread count and coffee for 20 years.” She was thinking “I’m pissed at my son.” And maybe she was thinking “it is my DIL who does everything to make these holidays happen. I know my son wouldn’t even bother to have me.” You really don’t know.

FWIW — my mother in law got upset and basically left the house when I told her that we wanted to go to my aunt and uncle’s for thanksgiving the year my mother died. I think she thought that she would automatically get holidays. I never bothered to discuss it with her or decide not to spend any holidays with her. It was one very bad moment from a person who is usually kind and generous. But, I definitely remember it. And then found it sort of fascinating as she wanted to change things in ways that worked for her once her husband died.

I would also note that you seem to go way over the top here. I cannot imagine needing to clean for two days, make dining reservations, etc. You can order pizza, etc. and perhaps make your life easier.

Sane advice.
I'd add, reserve the ILs a hotel. Everyone gets together, everyone gets their own space. Lighten your load. Do not shoot for perfection.

Anonymous wrote:I think DH should tell them "since you've never felt welcome in our home despite everything Lisa and I do for you to prepare for your visits and to make them enjoyable we think it's best you stay elsewhere for the upcoming holidays."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally understand why you're upset and you have every right to be.

But I think refusing to host the ILs over one comment, with less than a month until Christmas (ie, late to arrange other plans) is an overreaction and would be a bit out of line, particularly without a conversation. I mean, these are your husband's parents.

So, yes, talk to your husband. But I would recommend some other options rather than going nuclear and refusing to host.

Can you guys (or just him) talk to the ILs about how that comment made you feel? While I understand how it stung when you do so much work to host them, that may not have been what they meant and they might be sad to hear you felt that way. They may have meant that this difference in opinion on whatever makes them feel emotionally separated from your nuclear family - not that they felt they were treated poorly. I agree that a forced apology (ie, one they give just so they can go to Christmas) is not helpful, but a true apology, along the lines of "oh, no, Larla, not at all! I'm so sorry, that is not what I meant! Your home is always so well prepared for us, and you do so much work to host and we really appreciate that. We just wish you aligned with us politically, and that wedge always seems to come between us, that's what we meant by that! Your home is always lovely" Wouldn't something like that, spoken honestly and given freely, make you feel much better? At least give them the chance.

Pending the results of that conversation (if it goes great, maybe you welcome them with open arms, if it goes really poorly, maybe you do rescind the invitation, but there's a good chance it goes more... medium) then maybe you take the hosting down a few notches? Hand more stuff over to your husband, that's for sure (especially if in the end he wants them to come and you really don't). And just lower your standards. I know some on DCUM will be horrified to hear this, but we don't do any extra cleaning for guests. We have a bi-weekly house cleaner. If it's been 1 week and 5 days since she's been here, then our guests get a 12-days-since-a-cleaning house. So what? Your husband can make dinner reservations. You can make something basic for dinner like you would any other night, just a double recipe. You can tell them when they get to you to "make themselves at home and help yourselves to anything in the fridge" and stop refilling glasses. You don't even have to make up the guest bed, just put clean sheets on a pile on top. They'll live.

Absolutely not. Actions have consequences. It doesn't matter if it's the day before or the year before. They behaved inappropriately and now have to lay in the bed they've made.

I love how so, so many of the responses here on this forum are like, “these are your husbands parents” or “these are your kids grandparents”. Or, “it’s Christmas. You need to be gracious.” Like, what am I? Am I not my husbands wife ? My kids mother? Does Christmas mean I need to let my own needs and wants fall by the wayside for other adults , year after year, without any thanks? Why does this standard apply ONLY to me? Why aren’t people saying, gosh, that’s your son’s wife, you need to be a gracious guest in their home. Or, gosh, that’s the mother of your grandchildren, you need to treat her with respect and kindness. Is it just a bunch of grandmothers on the family forum sometimes?

I am in my 40s. I watched my parents deal with zany behavior from their parents for decades and have to laugh it off. Now I do the same. It’s a wheel that turns.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally understand why you're upset and you have every right to be.

But I think refusing to host the ILs over one comment, with less than a month until Christmas (ie, late to arrange other plans) is an overreaction and would be a bit out of line, particularly without a conversation. I mean, these are your husband's parents.

So, yes, talk to your husband. But I would recommend some other options rather than going nuclear and refusing to host.

Can you guys (or just him) talk to the ILs about how that comment made you feel? While I understand how it stung when you do so much work to host them, that may not have been what they meant and they might be sad to hear you felt that way. They may have meant that this difference in opinion on whatever makes them feel emotionally separated from your nuclear family - not that they felt they were treated poorly. I agree that a forced apology (ie, one they give just so they can go to Christmas) is not helpful, but a true apology, along the lines of "oh, no, Larla, not at all! I'm so sorry, that is not what I meant! Your home is always so well prepared for us, and you do so much work to host and we really appreciate that. We just wish you aligned with us politically, and that wedge always seems to come between us, that's what we meant by that! Your home is always lovely" Wouldn't something like that, spoken honestly and given freely, make you feel much better? At least give them the chance.

Pending the results of that conversation (if it goes great, maybe you welcome them with open arms, if it goes really poorly, maybe you do rescind the invitation, but there's a good chance it goes more... medium) then maybe you take the hosting down a few notches? Hand more stuff over to your husband, that's for sure (especially if in the end he wants them to come and you really don't). And just lower your standards. I know some on DCUM will be horrified to hear this, but we don't do any extra cleaning for guests. We have a bi-weekly house cleaner. If it's been 1 week and 5 days since she's been here, then our guests get a 12-days-since-a-cleaning house. So what? Your husband can make dinner reservations. You can make something basic for dinner like you would any other night, just a double recipe. You can tell them when they get to you to "make themselves at home and help yourselves to anything in the fridge" and stop refilling glasses. You don't even have to make up the guest bed, just put clean sheets on a pile on top. They'll live.

Absolutely not. Actions have consequences. It doesn't matter if it's the day before or the year before. They behaved inappropriately and now have to lay in the bed they've made.

I love how so, so many of the responses here on this forum are like, “these are your husbands parents” or “these are your kids grandparents”. Or, “it’s Christmas. You need to be gracious.” Like, what am I? Am I not my husbands wife ? My kids mother? Does Christmas mean I need to let my own needs and wants fall by the wayside for other adults , year after year, without any thanks? Why does this standard apply ONLY to me? Why aren’t people saying, gosh, that’s your son’s wife, you need to be a gracious guest in their home. Or, gosh, that’s the mother of your grandchildren, you need to treat her with respect and kindness. Is it just a bunch of grandmothers on the family forum sometimes?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally understand why you're upset and you have every right to be.

But I think refusing to host the ILs over one comment, with less than a month until Christmas (ie, late to arrange other plans) is an overreaction and would be a bit out of line, particularly without a conversation. I mean, these are your husband's parents.

So, yes, talk to your husband. But I would recommend some other options rather than going nuclear and refusing to host.

Can you guys (or just him) talk to the ILs about how that comment made you feel? While I understand how it stung when you do so much work to host them, that may not have been what they meant and they might be sad to hear you felt that way. They may have meant that this difference in opinion on whatever makes them feel emotionally separated from your nuclear family - not that they felt they were treated poorly. I agree that a forced apology (ie, one they give just so they can go to Christmas) is not helpful, but a true apology, along the lines of "oh, no, Larla, not at all! I'm so sorry, that is not what I meant! Your home is always so well prepared for us, and you do so much work to host and we really appreciate that. We just wish you aligned with us politically, and that wedge always seems to come between us, that's what we meant by that! Your home is always lovely" Wouldn't something like that, spoken honestly and given freely, make you feel much better? At least give them the chance.

Pending the results of that conversation (if it goes great, maybe you welcome them with open arms, if it goes really poorly, maybe you do rescind the invitation, but there's a good chance it goes more... medium) then maybe you take the hosting down a few notches? Hand more stuff over to your husband, that's for sure (especially if in the end he wants them to come and you really don't). And just lower your standards. I know some on DCUM will be horrified to hear this, but we don't do any extra cleaning for guests. We have a bi-weekly house cleaner. If it's been 1 week and 5 days since she's been here, then our guests get a 12-days-since-a-cleaning house. So what? Your husband can make dinner reservations. You can make something basic for dinner like you would any other night, just a double recipe. You can tell them when they get to you to "make themselves at home and help yourselves to anything in the fridge" and stop refilling glasses. You don't even have to make up the guest bed, just put clean sheets on a pile on top. They'll live.

Absolutely not. Actions have consequences. It doesn't matter if it's the day before or the year before. They behaved inappropriately and now have to lay in the bed they've made.

I love how so, so many of the responses here on this forum are like, “these are your husbands parents” or “these are your kids grandparents”. Or, “it’s Christmas. You need to be gracious.” Like, what am I? Am I not my husbands wife ? My kids mother? Does Christmas mean I need to let my own needs and wants fall by the wayside for other adults , year after year, without any thanks? Why does this standard apply ONLY to me? Why aren’t people saying, gosh, that’s your son’s wife, you need to be a gracious guest in their home. Or, gosh, that’s the mother of your grandchildren, you need to treat her with respect and kindness. Is it just a bunch of grandmothers on the family forum sometimes?

I'm the one who said I thought immediately disinviting them for Christmas was an overreaction. I am a 41 year old mother of three, not a grandmother, though admittedly all my kids' grandparents are somewhere on the spectrum from loving and helpful to loving and needy/annoying, nothing really to complain about.

Did you read the rest of my post? I'm not suggesting that her needs and wants go to the wayside. I'm suggesting that she (and/or her husband) have a conversation with the ILs rather than immediately disinviting them to Christmas. There was no indication of a pattern of behavior from her ILs, but rather one comment that even the OP admits she probably didn't take the way they intended. So TALK to them. If they double down, yeah, disinvite them. But give them a chance to apologize.

And I emphasized that she should do less overall.

One day, we're going to be ILs, too. One not-horrific comment I think deserves a follow up, not immediately canceling Christmas!

No one is "cancelling christmas" FFS. If you say sh*tty things and act like a sh*tty person, you are welcome to stay home for christmas this year.

... right. Why would anyone take this lovely sentiment as canceling Christmas!

Anonymous wrote:I'm too old for this crap. Either say something in the moment that they've offended you or keep your mouth shut. If you want to host them for xmas, do so. If not, use your voice and say so. Just stop with hemming and hawing and make a decision.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally understand why you're upset and you have every right to be.

But I think refusing to host the ILs over one comment, with less than a month until Christmas (ie, late to arrange other plans) is an overreaction and would be a bit out of line, particularly without a conversation. I mean, these are your husband's parents.

So, yes, talk to your husband. But I would recommend some other options rather than going nuclear and refusing to host.

Can you guys (or just him) talk to the ILs about how that comment made you feel? While I understand how it stung when you do so much work to host them, that may not have been what they meant and they might be sad to hear you felt that way. They may have meant that this difference in opinion on whatever makes them feel emotionally separated from your nuclear family - not that they felt they were treated poorly. I agree that a forced apology (ie, one they give just so they can go to Christmas) is not helpful, but a true apology, along the lines of "oh, no, Larla, not at all! I'm so sorry, that is not what I meant! Your home is always so well prepared for us, and you do so much work to host and we really appreciate that. We just wish you aligned with us politically, and that wedge always seems to come between us, that's what we meant by that! Your home is always lovely" Wouldn't something like that, spoken honestly and given freely, make you feel much better? At least give them the chance.

Pending the results of that conversation (if it goes great, maybe you welcome them with open arms, if it goes really poorly, maybe you do rescind the invitation, but there's a good chance it goes more... medium) then maybe you take the hosting down a few notches? Hand more stuff over to your husband, that's for sure (especially if in the end he wants them to come and you really don't). And just lower your standards. I know some on DCUM will be horrified to hear this, but we don't do any extra cleaning for guests. We have a bi-weekly house cleaner. If it's been 1 week and 5 days since she's been here, then our guests get a 12-days-since-a-cleaning house. So what? Your husband can make dinner reservations. You can make something basic for dinner like you would any other night, just a double recipe. You can tell them when they get to you to "make themselves at home and help yourselves to anything in the fridge" and stop refilling glasses. You don't even have to make up the guest bed, just put clean sheets on a pile on top. They'll live.

Absolutely not. Actions have consequences. It doesn't matter if it's the day before or the year before. They behaved inappropriately and now have to lay in the bed they've made.

I love how so, so many of the responses here on this forum are like, “these are your husbands parents” or “these are your kids grandparents”. Or, “it’s Christmas. You need to be gracious.” Like, what am I? Am I not my husbands wife ? My kids mother? Does Christmas mean I need to let my own needs and wants fall by the wayside for other adults , year after year, without any thanks? Why does this standard apply ONLY to me? Why aren’t people saying, gosh, that’s your son’s wife, you need to be a gracious guest in their home. Or, gosh, that’s the mother of your grandchildren, you need to treat her with respect and kindness. Is it just a bunch of grandmothers on the family forum sometimes?

I'm the one who said I thought immediately disinviting them for Christmas was an overreaction. I am a 41 year old mother of three, not a grandmother, though admittedly all my kids' grandparents are somewhere on the spectrum from loving and helpful to loving and needy/annoying, nothing really to complain about.

Did you read the rest of my post? I'm not suggesting that her needs and wants go to the wayside. I'm suggesting that she (and/or her husband) have a conversation with the ILs rather than immediately disinviting them to Christmas. There was no indication of a pattern of behavior from her ILs, but rather one comment that even the OP admits she probably didn't take the way they intended. So TALK to them. If they double down, yeah, disinvite them. But give them a chance to apologize.

And I emphasized that she should do less overall.

One day, we're going to be ILs, too. One not-horrific comment I think deserves a follow up, not immediately canceling Christmas!

No one is "cancelling christmas" FFS. If you say sh*tty things and act like a sh*tty person, you are welcome to stay home for christmas this year.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally understand why you're upset and you have every right to be.

But I think refusing to host the ILs over one comment, with less than a month until Christmas (ie, late to arrange other plans) is an overreaction and would be a bit out of line, particularly without a conversation. I mean, these are your husband's parents.

So, yes, talk to your husband. But I would recommend some other options rather than going nuclear and refusing to host.

Can you guys (or just him) talk to the ILs about how that comment made you feel? While I understand how it stung when you do so much work to host them, that may not have been what they meant and they might be sad to hear you felt that way. They may have meant that this difference in opinion on whatever makes them feel emotionally separated from your nuclear family - not that they felt they were treated poorly. I agree that a forced apology (ie, one they give just so they can go to Christmas) is not helpful, but a true apology, along the lines of "oh, no, Larla, not at all! I'm so sorry, that is not what I meant! Your home is always so well prepared for us, and you do so much work to host and we really appreciate that. We just wish you aligned with us politically, and that wedge always seems to come between us, that's what we meant by that! Your home is always lovely" Wouldn't something like that, spoken honestly and given freely, make you feel much better? At least give them the chance.

Pending the results of that conversation (if it goes great, maybe you welcome them with open arms, if it goes really poorly, maybe you do rescind the invitation, but there's a good chance it goes more... medium) then maybe you take the hosting down a few notches? Hand more stuff over to your husband, that's for sure (especially if in the end he wants them to come and you really don't). And just lower your standards. I know some on DCUM will be horrified to hear this, but we don't do any extra cleaning for guests. We have a bi-weekly house cleaner. If it's been 1 week and 5 days since she's been here, then our guests get a 12-days-since-a-cleaning house. So what? Your husband can make dinner reservations. You can make something basic for dinner like you would any other night, just a double recipe. You can tell them when they get to you to "make themselves at home and help yourselves to anything in the fridge" and stop refilling glasses. You don't even have to make up the guest bed, just put clean sheets on a pile on top. They'll live.

Absolutely not. Actions have consequences. It doesn't matter if it's the day before or the year before. They behaved inappropriately and now have to lay in the bed they've made.

I love how so, so many of the responses here on this forum are like, “these are your husbands parents” or “these are your kids grandparents”. Or, “it’s Christmas. You need to be gracious.” Like, what am I? Am I not my husbands wife ? My kids mother? Does Christmas mean I need to let my own needs and wants fall by the wayside for other adults , year after year, without any thanks? Why does this standard apply ONLY to me? Why aren’t people saying, gosh, that’s your son’s wife, you need to be a gracious guest in their home. Or, gosh, that’s the mother of your grandchildren, you need to treat her with respect and kindness. Is it just a bunch of grandmothers on the family forum sometimes?

I'm the one who said I thought immediately disinviting them for Christmas was an overreaction. I am a 41 year old mother of three, not a grandmother, though admittedly all my kids' grandparents are somewhere on the spectrum from loving and helpful to loving and needy/annoying, nothing really to complain about.

Did you read the rest of my post? I'm not suggesting that her needs and wants go to the wayside. I'm suggesting that she (and/or her husband) have a conversation with the ILs rather than immediately disinviting them to Christmas. There was no indication of a pattern of behavior from her ILs, but rather one comment that even the OP admits she probably didn't take the way they intended. So TALK to them. If they double down, yeah, disinvite them. But give them a chance to apologize.

And I emphasized that she should do less overall.

One day, we're going to be ILs, too. One not-horrific comment I think deserves a follow up, not immediately canceling Christmas!