Anonymous wrote:I recently asked my sister, the golden child, why it's so difficult for my mother and I to have a decent relationship and she said, "because she wants you to love her no matter how awful she is."
Just why? And why not my sister?

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have no contact with his family. It happened during covid when his family were allowed to see other members of the family but not us. It was a long time coming for a a lot of reasons, but mostly it was because they treat him, my children, and me, differently from his siblings and their spouses. He has always been the outcast and this was exacerbated during Covid. They have never reached out tried to contact us during the estrangement, so it is what it is. Mostly I just tell people we don’t speak to my husbands family and move on with the discussion.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of the reasons I’m NC with my mom is that she treats my children differently than her other grandchildren. It’s unconscionable.
But, my kids and our family are never in crisis.

This was part of you our decision as well. It is really bad.

Anonymous wrote:One of the reasons I’m NC with my mom is that she treats my children differently than her other grandchildren. It’s unconscionable.
But, my kids and our family are never in crisis.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot with all the people who seem to think this is the hardest time in human history and no one has ever had it this bad ever. Hothouse flowers all of them.

I don’t think the doctor said it was the hardest time, she said it was a dramatically different time for younger people than it was 30 years ago. As someone in their late 50s I agree with her.

I see so many parents go on about “when I was a kid….” Well, you’re not a kid. When I was a kid I could make a mistake and not worry about it being being recorded and shared with anyone and everyone on social media. Work didn’t expect you to respond to texts and emails at any time. People couldn’t hound you like they can today and ask why you didn’t answer their text, voicemail or email. My parents didn’t except to hear from me everyday when I went to college. Long distance calls were expensive. People didn’t have answering machines. Call waiting was a big deal. Everyone is demanding your attention and texts and emails take no real effort so people overuse them, especially people that tend toward controlling behavior or need lots of attention.

The expectation to have so much contact and communication can be overwhelming. Some people refuse to or can’t understand that. I tend to have stricter boundaries with them these days and it took a long time for me to get to that point.

Eh, I think you have a skewed perspective, pp.

I’m a 50 something Gen X with a handful of kids. I tried to raise them with my Gen X sensibility, and while I realize things are different now, I don’t think the things you point to are problematic. Rather, I suspect you are more of an introvert OR you’ve become accustomed to hiding behind technology/social media rather than engaging appropriately.

You mentioned this generation having it harder since work expects constant and immediate access. I think we had it harder in terms of 5 days/week in the office and the fact that your colleagues or boss could pop into your office or call you on the phone. This really isn’t a thing anymore since most people work remotely and freak out if you call without messaging first to see if they can take a call.

Young people today leverage technology to hide or simulate human contact, and I think that’s a real problem.

Gen X still had family connectivity. We bothered to show up or call on the phone. We knew how to make small talk and pick up a stranger in a bar or club without resorting to online dating.

I think moving far away from your family is damaging in and of itself, and that certainly has become more common. It’s sad.

The whole “I need to set boundaries” thing is so weird to my Gen X generation. People who think that way about their loved ones likely are the common denominator in their bad relationships and drama.

And Oprah is awful. Like, bigly.

Nobody should take advice from a single, childless person with a God complex who hasn’t done anything notable other than build a fortune. Her philanthropy is lackluster; she has hoarded money for what—for whom?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot with all the people who seem to think this is the hardest time in human history and no one has ever had it this bad ever. Hothouse flowers all of them.

I don’t think the doctor said it was the hardest time, she said it was a dramatically different time for younger people than it was 30 years ago. As someone in their late 50s I agree with her.

I see so many parents go on about “when I was a kid….” Well, you’re not a kid. When I was a kid I could make a mistake and not worry about it being being recorded and shared with anyone and everyone on social media. Work didn’t expect you to respond to texts and emails at any time. People couldn’t hound you like they can today and ask why you didn’t answer their text, voicemail or email. My parents didn’t except to hear from me everyday when I went to college. Long distance calls were expensive. People didn’t have answering machines. Call waiting was a big deal. Everyone is demanding your attention and texts and emails take no real effort so people overuse them, especially people that tend toward controlling behavior or need lots of attention.

The expectation to have so much contact and communication can be overwhelming. Some people refuse to or can’t understand that. I tend to have stricter boundaries with them these days and it took a long time for me to get to that point.

Eh, I think you have a skewed perspective, pp.

I’m a 50 something Gen X with a handful of kids. I tried to raise them with my Gen X sensibility, and while I realize things are different now, I don’t think the things you point to are problematic. Rather, I suspect you are more of an introvert OR you’ve become accustomed to hiding behind technology/social media rather than engaging appropriately.

You mentioned this generation having it harder since work expects constant and immediate access. I think we had it harder in terms of 5 days/week in the office and the fact that your colleagues or boss could pop into your office or call you on the phone. This really isn’t a thing anymore since most people work remotely and freak out if you call without messaging first to see if they can take a call.

Young people today leverage technology to hide or simulate human contact, and I think that’s a real problem.

Gen X still had family connectivity. We bothered to show up or call on the phone. We knew how to make small talk and pick up a stranger in a bar or club without resorting to online dating.

I think moving far away from your family is damaging in and of itself, and that certainly has become more common. It’s sad.

The whole “I need to set boundaries” thing is so weird to my Gen X generation. People who think that way about their loved ones likely are the common denominator in their bad relationships and drama.

And Oprah is awful. Like, bigly.

Nobody should take advice from a single, childless person with a God complex who hasn’t done anything notable other than build a fortune. Her philanthropy is lackluster; she has hoarded money for what—for whom?

Anonymous wrote:"Just because you are mother doesn't mean you must be honored regardless of how you treat your kids."

Wow.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot with all the people who seem to think this is the hardest time in human history and no one has ever had it this bad ever. Hothouse flowers all of them.

I don’t think the doctor said it was the hardest time, she said it was a dramatically different time for younger people than it was 30 years ago. As someone in their late 50s I agree with her.

I see so many parents go on about “when I was a kid….” Well, you’re not a kid. When I was a kid I could make a mistake and not worry about it being being recorded and shared with anyone and everyone on social media. Work didn’t expect you to respond to texts and emails at any time. People couldn’t hound you like they can today and ask why you didn’t answer their text, voicemail or email. My parents didn’t except to hear from me everyday when I went to college. Long distance calls were expensive. People didn’t have answering machines. Call waiting was a big deal. Everyone is demanding your attention and texts and emails take no real effort so people overuse them, especially people that tend toward controlling behavior or need lots of attention.

The expectation to have so much contact and communication can be overwhelming. Some people refuse to or can’t understand that. I tend to have stricter boundaries with them these days and it took a long time for me to get to that point.

Anonymous wrote:I cannot with all the people who seem to think this is the hardest time in human history and no one has ever had it this bad ever. Hothouse flowers all of them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, OP, I didn't know about this but will definitely check this out. I found Lindsay Gibson's books really life changing so that's enough to get me interested.

I am not estranged from my parents. In fact, I credit Gibsons books with helping me figure out a way to maintain a relationship with them without sacrificing my own mental health or cutting them off entirely. However, my sister *is* estranged from them.

Related to the golden child dynamic OP raises, here's a twist: my sister was absolutely the golden child in our family (4 kids) and I think that's why she wound up going NC. Being a golden child in a dysfunctional family can lead to really bad enmeshment, which is what happened with my sister, and it became very hard for her to start untangling that once she recognized how unhealthy it was. So I think she's gone NC largely because she could not find better ways to set boundaries.

I think it has been easier for me to set boundaries because, as one of four, I was largely ignored as a child and into adulthood. That has had some pretty significant negative impacts on me (thus how I wound up reading multiple books on emotional neglect) but I think it offered a short cut to figuring out to set better emotional boundaries with my family. My parents and I are not close, but they are in my life, we see each other sometimes, and my own child has affectionate feelings towards them (feelings I facilitate by ensuring we don't spend enough time with them for DD to get drawn into their drama).

Interesting. Is your sister the eldest? Wondering if it's not exactly "golden," but more eldest daughter syndrome. That she's golden because she takes care of everyone?

I'm going to look at the book, thanks and to OP for starting this thread.

No she's not the oldest but she is the eldest daughter. She doesn't/didn't take care of us or our parents. She was the golden child because she was a cheerleader in high school and on the homecoming court, and because she got married and had kids before the rest of us, and had the most kids. These are things my parents greatly value because it made them look good to their peers. It's definitely golden child.