Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents moved to a nearby CCRC 18 months ago, and, I am the nearby family member. Spouses parents passed over a decade ago. My parents were, and are, terrific parents who raised me, and however many years I can help them, is a privilege. And, maybe I will feel differently in a few years, but I hope not.

They are not the same as when they raised me (anxiety and memory loss are real and sucks), but I am not the same toddler, school girl, teen, young adult, etc. either

I wonder if the difference is that I had a terrific childhood, we have always had a good relationship, they have the funds to pay for the CCRC, that they aren't nasty, or that it hasn't been very long yet? Whatever the reason, I consider myself lucky after reading all the horrid situations here, and hope the relationship we have with our now young adult children remains as strong as the one I have with my parents.

I mean, the obvious difference is that they are in a CCRC, not at your house with you directly helping them get dressed.
And I sincerely love that - good for them. It's so hard for people to make the choice and I'm glad they did and the whole thing probably contributes to your positive feelings about it.

But you are not the direct caretaker and that's the big difference.

In PP’s defense it still involves visits and probably managing their care? It’s like teens, they don’t require direct caretaking but all the driving and managing is exhausting

Yes. I pay all of their bills (which they want to oversee, so at their "apartment," on their computer, not logging in from home and doing it whenever), drive them on errands, take them to doctor appointments, take them out for meals, or to my home for a meal, take them shopping, etc. Just because they are not sleeping under my roof doesn't mean it's a cake walk.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I appreciate your frankness. You were very clear that everyone's experiences and situations will be different, so I don't know why some people feel offended. (Except for the first reply - that person is the first reply on EVERY NEW THREAD and it is always negative and trashing the OP.)

Anyway I think it's good to normalize talking about the ugly side of elder care. There are no good solutions in the modern world unless you or your parents are rich and can throw money at caretakers. And even then I'm sure there are plenty of baggage issues mucking things up. It is so unbelievably complicated and you really can't win. You can only do your best while trying not to also drown.

Thank you, I think we aren’t being honest enough as a society about this side of longevity. We are trying to find a ways to live longer but what about the younger generations? Generational wealth is not built anymore, it’s all spent on eldercare. Statins, BP meds and insulin (and now GLP1s) are making people live for decades past their time, placing a burden on caregivers.
I don’t want to do eldercare in my 60s!

So we should just not give insulin and let type 1 diabetics die?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s been almost 1.5 years since I moved my then 79 yo father close to me and started overseeing his care. He and my late mother fell behind on so many things, yet resisted help, so when she died and dad became amenable to being helped, I had a lot on my plate.

I was excited at first, as I was close to him as a child and teen but then I didn’t have many opportunities to keep the connection. But then, I went through a range of emotions such as disappointment, anger, and compassion. Now I just want to jot down some thoughts that helped me make peace with the new status quo. They are by no means revolutionary but I mostly want to lay them out.

- your parent is most likely not the person you remember from when you still lived at home, and most change will be for the worse. The sooner you get rid of illusions of a renewed friendship, the better. Your parent is most likely a boring old person who is annoying because he always needs help and is trying to make you their emotional support. Not a long lost friend.

- the sooner you build an emotional cocoon around yourself the better. Be nice but don’t get dragged into serious discussions, and don’t share any problems or expect meaningful input.

- physically limit the time you spend with your parent. Them being close doesn’t mean you owe them your time.
If they can survive on their own for a week or a month, it’s fine not to see them more often. It’s better to have nice short visits than frequent long ones where you are irritated or annoyed and then feel guilty when it’s over.

- limit the dr visits to serious conditions that need to be managed. Don’t come back to see a podiatrist every 3 months just because your parent had some calluses removed once. Everyone wants to milk Medicare and Medicaid so don’t fall for that.

- it is ok to ask your parent to stop complaining about stuff that doesn’t require your action, all those daily aches and such. I told my dad it makes me worry and if he wants me to take him to the dr I will but he should say so. He still complains but not as much, I just say I’m sorry I wish I could help! And try not to get emotionally involved.

- if your parent offers you financial help of any kind, accept it. Actually don’t let them keep their money while you spend your own. It builds resentment! And it’s good for the parent to feel like they are useful to their kids. Basically try to do as much wealth transfer as possible (without abuse of course). It’s better if money goes to you than to some scammers or new spouses.

- I didn’t realize how early some people become incapable of self care. Ideally try to start overlooking your parents’ eye and ear and dental health as early as their 60s! I know not every parent is amenable to this but it’s good to try.

- if you can, bring your parents closer to you as early as possible while they are still somewhat sane and capable. Keeping an eye on them is good for them and good for your future inheritance, hopefully keeping scammers away. Also don’t be afraid to be assertive and take away phones, cars, bank account controls etc. This varies widely, some parents are resistant to it but ideally at the first signs of inadequacy controls should go to the kids.

- last but not least. Don’t expect your parents to be your friends or even someone whose company you enjoy. If they are indeed great people - that’s great and you are lucky. But most elderly parents will be miserable, behind the times, and generally a burden of some sort. And it’s ok as long as you anticipate it and aren’t disappointed.

Ok I think I am done for now

Short of having a pistol, I’m not quite sure how one just “takes away” things from a resistant adult.

Anonymous wrote:Hope you feel better trashing your elderly parent. I feel sorry for your dad.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents moved to a nearby CCRC 18 months ago, and, I am the nearby family member. Spouses parents passed over a decade ago. My parents were, and are, terrific parents who raised me, and however many years I can help them, is a privilege. And, maybe I will feel differently in a few years, but I hope not.

They are not the same as when they raised me (anxiety and memory loss are real and sucks), but I am not the same toddler, school girl, teen, young adult, etc. either

I wonder if the difference is that I had a terrific childhood, we have always had a good relationship, they have the funds to pay for the CCRC, that they aren't nasty, or that it hasn't been very long yet? Whatever the reason, I consider myself lucky after reading all the horrid situations here, and hope the relationship we have with our now young adult children remains as strong as the one I have with my parents.

I mean, the obvious difference is that they are in a CCRC, not at your house with you directly helping them get dressed.
And I sincerely love that - good for them. It's so hard for people to make the choice and I'm glad they did and the whole thing probably contributes to your positive feelings about it.

But you are not the direct caretaker and that's the big difference.

In PP’s defense it still involves visits and probably managing their care? It’s like teens, they don’t require direct caretaking but all the driving and managing is exhausting

Yes. I pay all of their bills (which they want to oversee, so at their "apartment," on their computer, not logging in from home and doing it whenever), drive them on errands, take them to doctor appointments, take them out for meals, or to my home for a meal, take them shopping, etc. Just because they are not sleeping under my roof doesn't mean it's a cake walk.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents moved to a nearby CCRC 18 months ago, and, I am the nearby family member. Spouses parents passed over a decade ago. My parents were, and are, terrific parents who raised me, and however many years I can help them, is a privilege. And, maybe I will feel differently in a few years, but I hope not.

They are not the same as when they raised me (anxiety and memory loss are real and sucks), but I am not the same toddler, school girl, teen, young adult, etc. either

I wonder if the difference is that I had a terrific childhood, we have always had a good relationship, they have the funds to pay for the CCRC, that they aren't nasty, or that it hasn't been very long yet? Whatever the reason, I consider myself lucky after reading all the horrid situations here, and hope the relationship we have with our now young adult children remains as strong as the one I have with my parents.

I mean, the obvious difference is that they are in a CCRC, not at your house with you directly helping them get dressed.
And I sincerely love that - good for them. It's so hard for people to make the choice and I'm glad they did and the whole thing probably contributes to your positive feelings about it.

But you are not the direct caretaker and that's the big difference.

In PP’s defense it still involves visits and probably managing their care? It’s like teens, they don’t require direct caretaking but all the driving and managing is exhausting

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I appreciate your frankness. You were very clear that everyone's experiences and situations will be different, so I don't know why some people feel offended. (Except for the first reply - that person is the first reply on EVERY NEW THREAD and it is always negative and trashing the OP.)

Anyway I think it's good to normalize talking about the ugly side of elder care. There are no good solutions in the modern world unless you or your parents are rich and can throw money at caretakers. And even then I'm sure there are plenty of baggage issues mucking things up. It is so unbelievably complicated and you really can't win. You can only do your best while trying not to also drown.

Thank you, I think we aren’t being honest enough as a society about this side of longevity. We are trying to find a ways to live longer but what about the younger generations? Generational wealth is not built anymore, it’s all spent on eldercare. Statins, BP meds and insulin (and now GLP1s) are making people live for decades past their time, placing a burden on caregivers.
I don’t want to do eldercare in my 60s!

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been caring for my mom in our home for almost five years now. She has alzheimer, but is pretty calm. I am her only child, and am pretty low maintenance (no mani, pedis, no makeup, no perfune, no fancy clothes). She was always dressed to the nines, and would conatantly comment on my appearance. Now, I am barely keeping it together taking to and from the bathroom, bathing her, cooking and doing her laundry. As a family, we have all given up so much, so when she complains about her hair not looking just so, I feel like I am going to explode! At this point, I feel I am only taking care of her out of obligation. I keep putting off moving her into a care home, because I don’t want her to run out of money. Forget about inheritance!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hope you feel better trashing your elderly parent. I feel sorry for your dad.

OP here. And, get used to having people like this in every topic when you share what you are dealing with!

It is completely ok not to love your parent. Most likely it’s the parent’s fault tbh. I am entitled to my feelings; it’s the actions that matter. As long as my parent is housed and fed and has access to healthcare, my conscience is clear. I don’t owe them love or frivolous expenses.

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been caring for my mom in our home for almost five years now. She has alzheimer, but is pretty calm. I am her only child, and am pretty low maintenance (no mani, pedis, no makeup, no perfune, no fancy clothes). She was always dressed to the nines, and would conatantly comment on my appearance. Now, I am barely keeping it together taking to and from the bathroom, bathing her, cooking and doing her laundry. As a family, we have all given up so much, so when she complains about her hair not looking just so, I feel like I am going to explode! At this point, I feel I am only taking care of her out of obligation. I keep putting off moving her into a care home, because I don’t want her to run out of money. Forget about inheritance!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents moved to a nearby CCRC 18 months ago, and, I am the nearby family member. Spouses parents passed over a decade ago. My parents were, and are, terrific parents who raised me, and however many years I can help them, is a privilege. And, maybe I will feel differently in a few years, but I hope not.

They are not the same as when they raised me (anxiety and memory loss are real and sucks), but I am not the same toddler, school girl, teen, young adult, etc. either

I wonder if the difference is that I had a terrific childhood, we have always had a good relationship, they have the funds to pay for the CCRC, that they aren't nasty, or that it hasn't been very long yet? Whatever the reason, I consider myself lucky after reading all the horrid situations here, and hope the relationship we have with our now young adult children remains as strong as the one I have with my parents.

I mean, the obvious difference is that they are in a CCRC, not at your house with you directly helping them get dressed.
And I sincerely love that - good for them. It's so hard for people to make the choice and I'm glad they did and the whole thing probably contributes to your positive feelings about it.

But you are not the direct caretaker and that's the big difference.

Anonymous wrote:I watched and helped my mom take care of my grandmother, her mom, for a very long time. So when my mom needed help, I was happy to help. My dad had died of cancer many years earlier. I had a job and a family of my own. I could sense that my mom really hated becoming so dependent and I hope I never made her feel like a burden, because she wasn’t. She is gone now and I miss her so much, but I know she was not happy even though she was able to live and die in her own home. In my experience, it was harder on my mom than on me. I hope I leave this earth before I become dependent on anyone. I’m like my mom that way.

Anonymous wrote:OP I appreciate your frankness. You were very clear that everyone's experiences and situations will be different, so I don't know why some people feel offended. (Except for the first reply - that person is the first reply on EVERY NEW THREAD and it is always negative and trashing the OP.)

Anyway I think it's good to normalize talking about the ugly side of elder care. There are no good solutions in the modern world unless you or your parents are rich and can throw money at caretakers. And even then I'm sure there are plenty of baggage issues mucking things up. It is so unbelievably complicated and you really can't win. You can only do your best while trying not to also drown.