Anonymous
Post 10/27/2025 15:17     Subject: How to stop amnesia about how narcissistic my dad is?
To sum it up: your mom does what you want to a T and your dad has his own opinions and wants, and dares to speak up. You call him a narcissist. I don't think that's how it works, hun. I also wonder what your mom really thinks.
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2025 15:12     Subject: How to stop amnesia about how narcissistic my dad is?
You have control issues, serious ones. Your dad is not narcissistic. You don't have to plan everything to the last detail (hence control issues). In your scenarios, any normal person would have: gone to the party without parents and not made it an issue; gone for a hike with mom only and not made it an issue. Also giving your dad a jacket to wear (I'm sure your DH has some?) would have solved the problem of him being cold. He was literally cold because he didn't take appropriate clothes with him. I don't see your dad getting upset, I see you getting upset all the time about trivial issues. I'd be glad if my dad sneaked out and got folks coffee and donuts as a surprise. It seems your mom goes along with all your plans to not rock the boat.
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2025 14:47     Subject: How to stop amnesia about how narcissistic my dad is?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would have gone on the hike with my mom. It sounds like you all cater to your father. Why? So what if he’s offended? You can gently say, “thanks so much for the donuts! Unfortunately, Larla can’t have dairy – – I think we’ve mentioned this before. Otherwise she would love to have that.”

Your parents probably thought they could handle going to the party, but then when the time came, they just did not want to. Some people are going with the flow and some people aren’t. Sounds like you all worked through it and found a solution that worked for everybody

I think the problem is, you don’t want to stand up to your parents, and that’s the only thing that you can really control. I hate to say it, but after reading this website for a few years, your examples are not really that serious. Is it annoying? Sure. Do those things add up over the course of a visit? Sure. Is this an insurmountable problem coming from your father? Not so sure. I think you can change your mindset and steel yourself to push back a bit. See how that works next time.

Thanks. Honestly, my dad is incredibly laid back...until he isn't. And it's not always clear exactly what's going to set him off, but then he is very scary when he's angry. And something as simple as, "Thank you, but Larla can't have dairy," could be the thing that sets him off. He could get belligerent and treat it like I'm accusing him of not being a good grandfather or something. And I wouldn't be able to convince my mom to leave him alone to go for a hike, because she would be afraid that he would feel left out. Better that we all sit together on our phones. Really, it's probably the unpredictability of his anger that is the real problem, because we all walk on eggshells around him, rather than dealing with the minor issues as they arise.


There is ONE person who can't eat the donuts, why would you point that out? Maybe HE wanted donuts or he figured MOST of you could eat them. Honestly, I'm see this as more of a YOU problem and less of a him problem. Maybe it sets him off that you feel the need to remind him of your daughter's allergy like that means no one else can have anything with dairy in it.


He walked into the house and announced to the kids that he brought them donuts. They were already eating breakfast by the time he got back, and my oldest couldn't eat them, so it went from being a nice treat he thought he was getting them to a whole thing. My oldest handles her allergy pretty well for a 7 year old, but it's still hard for her, and especially hard when she misses out on something that my younger one gets to have. We make a point of going to ice cream places that have non-dairy options, so they can both get something. I would never get a donut for my younger one without getting something equivalent for my older one, because that's just insensitive. And, yes, my dad probably forgot about her allergy or just didn't think about the fact that donuts have milk in them (he also got cream-filled donuts, which are more obviously dairy), but if he had said, "I'm going out to get the kids donuts for breakfast," I could have reminded him about the allergy and redirected him. Instead, he snuck out of the house without talking to anyone.


None of your follows up are really helping your case. You are trying to control everything, including your kids' emotions and reactions. It would not have been a whole thing if you didn't make it a whole thing. I have a food allergic child. Don't treat it like a national tragedy or like the kid's entire life is going to be fair. It's not.

Her life is not always fair and we have that discussion about her allergy and about managing disappointment. But I don't have to let it be unfair first thing in the morning.

And controlling my kids' emotions? I grew up hiding any reaction of mine that wasn't happy because otherwise my dad would either brush off my emotional reaction or else get angry that I wasn't sufficiently excited about his surprises. That's controlling a kid's emotions and reactions. Controlling my kids' emotions would have been me directing them to pretend they weren't upset about the donuts so they wouldn't upset my dad. We spend a lot of time talking to our kids about their feelings and how to understand and process their emotions, instead of burying them or being afraid of them.


You're trying to avoid disappointment or sadness for your kids. That is what you are controlling. There are other examples in your post. They might not get to go to the neighbor's party and therefore you force your parents to attend so their feelings are managed. The kids feel "bad" that grandma and grandpa don't want to spend time with them and what will the kids think.

The kid is allowed to be disappointed about not getting a donut and express this. But it's okay to not get a donut and feel bad. More than ok. Just life. Your job isn't to remove all the scnearios where the kids feel bad. Which is quite different than telling them to act happy about everything.

You sound like you have things from your own childhood you haven't really fully processed and you don't like your dad. All this stuff will come out and come up when raising your own kids. If you can afford it, I genuinely recommend therapy.
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2025 14:35     Subject: How to stop amnesia about how narcissistic my dad is?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would have gone on the hike with my mom. It sounds like you all cater to your father. Why? So what if he’s offended? You can gently say, “thanks so much for the donuts! Unfortunately, Larla can’t have dairy – – I think we’ve mentioned this before. Otherwise she would love to have that.”

Your parents probably thought they could handle going to the party, but then when the time came, they just did not want to. Some people are going with the flow and some people aren’t. Sounds like you all worked through it and found a solution that worked for everybody

I think the problem is, you don’t want to stand up to your parents, and that’s the only thing that you can really control. I hate to say it, but after reading this website for a few years, your examples are not really that serious. Is it annoying? Sure. Do those things add up over the course of a visit? Sure. Is this an insurmountable problem coming from your father? Not so sure. I think you can change your mindset and steel yourself to push back a bit. See how that works next time.

Thanks. Honestly, my dad is incredibly laid back...until he isn't. And it's not always clear exactly what's going to set him off, but then he is very scary when he's angry. And something as simple as, "Thank you, but Larla can't have dairy," could be the thing that sets him off. He could get belligerent and treat it like I'm accusing him of not being a good grandfather or something. And I wouldn't be able to convince my mom to leave him alone to go for a hike, because she would be afraid that he would feel left out. Better that we all sit together on our phones. Really, it's probably the unpredictability of his anger that is the real problem, because we all walk on eggshells around him, rather than dealing with the minor issues as they arise.


There is ONE person who can't eat the donuts, why would you point that out? Maybe HE wanted donuts or he figured MOST of you could eat them. Honestly, I'm see this as more of a YOU problem and less of a him problem. Maybe it sets him off that you feel the need to remind him of your daughter's allergy like that means no one else can have anything with dairy in it.


He walked into the house and announced to the kids that he brought them donuts. They were already eating breakfast by the time he got back, and my oldest couldn't eat them, so it went from being a nice treat he thought he was getting them to a whole thing. My oldest handles her allergy pretty well for a 7 year old, but it's still hard for her, and especially hard when she misses out on something that my younger one gets to have. We make a point of going to ice cream places that have non-dairy options, so they can both get something. I would never get a donut for my younger one without getting something equivalent for my older one, because that's just insensitive. And, yes, my dad probably forgot about her allergy or just didn't think about the fact that donuts have milk in them (he also got cream-filled donuts, which are more obviously dairy), but if he had said, "I'm going out to get the kids donuts for breakfast," I could have reminded him about the allergy and redirected him. Instead, he snuck out of the house without talking to anyone.


None of your follows up are really helping your case. You are trying to control everything, including your kids' emotions and reactions. It would not have been a whole thing if you didn't make it a whole thing. I have a food allergic child. Don't treat it like a national tragedy or like the kid's entire life is going to be fair. It's not.

Her life is not always fair and we have that discussion about her allergy and about managing disappointment. But I don't have to let it be unfair first thing in the morning.

And controlling my kids' emotions? I grew up hiding any reaction of mine that wasn't happy because otherwise my dad would either brush off my emotional reaction or else get angry that I wasn't sufficiently excited about his surprises. That's controlling a kid's emotions and reactions. Controlling my kids' emotions would have been me directing them to pretend they weren't upset about the donuts so they wouldn't upset my dad. We spend a lot of time talking to our kids about their feelings and how to understand and process their emotions, instead of burying them or being afraid of them.
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2025 14:20     Subject: How to stop amnesia about how narcissistic my dad is?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would have gone on the hike with my mom. It sounds like you all cater to your father. Why? So what if he’s offended? You can gently say, “thanks so much for the donuts! Unfortunately, Larla can’t have dairy – – I think we’ve mentioned this before. Otherwise she would love to have that.”

Your parents probably thought they could handle going to the party, but then when the time came, they just did not want to. Some people are going with the flow and some people aren’t. Sounds like you all worked through it and found a solution that worked for everybody

I think the problem is, you don’t want to stand up to your parents, and that’s the only thing that you can really control. I hate to say it, but after reading this website for a few years, your examples are not really that serious. Is it annoying? Sure. Do those things add up over the course of a visit? Sure. Is this an insurmountable problem coming from your father? Not so sure. I think you can change your mindset and steel yourself to push back a bit. See how that works next time.

Thanks. Honestly, my dad is incredibly laid back...until he isn't. And it's not always clear exactly what's going to set him off, but then he is very scary when he's angry. And something as simple as, "Thank you, but Larla can't have dairy," could be the thing that sets him off. He could get belligerent and treat it like I'm accusing him of not being a good grandfather or something. And I wouldn't be able to convince my mom to leave him alone to go for a hike, because she would be afraid that he would feel left out. Better that we all sit together on our phones. Really, it's probably the unpredictability of his anger that is the real problem, because we all walk on eggshells around him, rather than dealing with the minor issues as they arise.


It's a you thing.
You are passive aggressive. Why mention Larla can't have one, just take one and say thanks.
If he ever does rage out that's great. You have a reason why they cannot ever visit again.


No I don’t OP is being passive aggressive. She’s behaving like someone who grew up in a household with a parent who has anger management and rage issues. She and her mother walk on eggshells to keep the jerk happy and keep peace. I do not allow guests to throw fits and scream in my house.


Where in the story did the dad rage and act like a jerk? I am confused. He walked around all day doing all the things planned for him even though he was cold and got bullied into going to a party he didn't want to go to afterward. And he's the jerk?
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2025 14:18     Subject: How to stop amnesia about how narcissistic my dad is?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would have gone on the hike with my mom. It sounds like you all cater to your father. Why? So what if he’s offended? You can gently say, “thanks so much for the donuts! Unfortunately, Larla can’t have dairy – – I think we’ve mentioned this before. Otherwise she would love to have that.”

Your parents probably thought they could handle going to the party, but then when the time came, they just did not want to. Some people are going with the flow and some people aren’t. Sounds like you all worked through it and found a solution that worked for everybody

I think the problem is, you don’t want to stand up to your parents, and that’s the only thing that you can really control. I hate to say it, but after reading this website for a few years, your examples are not really that serious. Is it annoying? Sure. Do those things add up over the course of a visit? Sure. Is this an insurmountable problem coming from your father? Not so sure. I think you can change your mindset and steel yourself to push back a bit. See how that works next time.

Thanks. Honestly, my dad is incredibly laid back...until he isn't. And it's not always clear exactly what's going to set him off, but then he is very scary when he's angry. And something as simple as, "Thank you, but Larla can't have dairy," could be the thing that sets him off. He could get belligerent and treat it like I'm accusing him of not being a good grandfather or something. And I wouldn't be able to convince my mom to leave him alone to go for a hike, because she would be afraid that he would feel left out. Better that we all sit together on our phones. Really, it's probably the unpredictability of his anger that is the real problem, because we all walk on eggshells around him, rather than dealing with the minor issues as they arise.


There is ONE person who can't eat the donuts, why would you point that out? Maybe HE wanted donuts or he figured MOST of you could eat them. Honestly, I'm see this as more of a YOU problem and less of a him problem. Maybe it sets him off that you feel the need to remind him of your daughter's allergy like that means no one else can have anything with dairy in it.


He walked into the house and announced to the kids that he brought them donuts. They were already eating breakfast by the time he got back, and my oldest couldn't eat them, so it went from being a nice treat he thought he was getting them to a whole thing. My oldest handles her allergy pretty well for a 7 year old, but it's still hard for her, and especially hard when she misses out on something that my younger one gets to have. We make a point of going to ice cream places that have non-dairy options, so they can both get something. I would never get a donut for my younger one without getting something equivalent for my older one, because that's just insensitive. And, yes, my dad probably forgot about her allergy or just didn't think about the fact that donuts have milk in them (he also got cream-filled donuts, which are more obviously dairy), but if he had said, "I'm going out to get the kids donuts for breakfast," I could have reminded him about the allergy and redirected him. Instead, he snuck out of the house without talking to anyone.


None of your follows up are really helping your case. You are trying to control everything, including your kids' emotions and reactions. It would not have been a whole thing if you didn't make it a whole thing. I have a food allergic child. Don't treat it like a national tragedy or like the kid's entire life is going to be fair. It's not.
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2025 14:07     Subject: How to stop amnesia about how narcissistic my dad is?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would have gone on the hike with my mom. It sounds like you all cater to your father. Why? So what if he’s offended? You can gently say, “thanks so much for the donuts! Unfortunately, Larla can’t have dairy – – I think we’ve mentioned this before. Otherwise she would love to have that.”

Your parents probably thought they could handle going to the party, but then when the time came, they just did not want to. Some people are going with the flow and some people aren’t. Sounds like you all worked through it and found a solution that worked for everybody

I think the problem is, you don’t want to stand up to your parents, and that’s the only thing that you can really control. I hate to say it, but after reading this website for a few years, your examples are not really that serious. Is it annoying? Sure. Do those things add up over the course of a visit? Sure. Is this an insurmountable problem coming from your father? Not so sure. I think you can change your mindset and steel yourself to push back a bit. See how that works next time.

Thanks. Honestly, my dad is incredibly laid back...until he isn't. And it's not always clear exactly what's going to set him off, but then he is very scary when he's angry. And something as simple as, "Thank you, but Larla can't have dairy," could be the thing that sets him off. He could get belligerent and treat it like I'm accusing him of not being a good grandfather or something. And I wouldn't be able to convince my mom to leave him alone to go for a hike, because she would be afraid that he would feel left out. Better that we all sit together on our phones. Really, it's probably the unpredictability of his anger that is the real problem, because we all walk on eggshells around him, rather than dealing with the minor issues as they arise.


There is ONE person who can't eat the donuts, why would you point that out? Maybe HE wanted donuts or he figured MOST of you could eat them. Honestly, I'm see this as more of a YOU problem and less of a him problem. Maybe it sets him off that you feel the need to remind him of your daughter's allergy like that means no one else can have anything with dairy in it.


He walked into the house and announced to the kids that he brought them donuts. They were already eating breakfast by the time he got back, and my oldest couldn't eat them, so it went from being a nice treat he thought he was getting them to a whole thing. My oldest handles her allergy pretty well for a 7 year old, but it's still hard for her, and especially hard when she misses out on something that my younger one gets to have. We make a point of going to ice cream places that have non-dairy options, so they can both get something. I would never get a donut for my younger one without getting something equivalent for my older one, because that's just insensitive. And, yes, my dad probably forgot about her allergy or just didn't think about the fact that donuts have milk in them (he also got cream-filled donuts, which are more obviously dairy), but if he had said, "I'm going out to get the kids donuts for breakfast," I could have reminded him about the allergy and redirected him. Instead, he snuck out of the house without talking to anyone.
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2025 13:46     Subject: How to stop amnesia about how narcissistic my dad is?
Quite possibly OP is a lot like her dad. He may have also been rigid and controlling and threatened meltdowns if others didn’t do what he wanted. The conflict between them is likely that they are too similar with both vying for control (aka the donuts and coffee). Op feels this is her house so she will decide everything and everyone will follow her schedule and do what she says they will do and her dad feels as the guest he will decide what he will do and eat.

They seem like two peas in a pod and that often creates resentment.
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2025 13:40     Subject: How to stop amnesia about how narcissistic my dad is?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would have gone on the hike with my mom. It sounds like you all cater to your father. Why? So what if he’s offended? You can gently say, “thanks so much for the donuts! Unfortunately, Larla can’t have dairy – – I think we’ve mentioned this before. Otherwise she would love to have that.”

Your parents probably thought they could handle going to the party, but then when the time came, they just did not want to. Some people are going with the flow and some people aren’t. Sounds like you all worked through it and found a solution that worked for everybody

I think the problem is, you don’t want to stand up to your parents, and that’s the only thing that you can really control. I hate to say it, but after reading this website for a few years, your examples are not really that serious. Is it annoying? Sure. Do those things add up over the course of a visit? Sure. Is this an insurmountable problem coming from your father? Not so sure. I think you can change your mindset and steel yourself to push back a bit. See how that works next time.

Thanks. Honestly, my dad is incredibly laid back...until he isn't. And it's not always clear exactly what's going to set him off, but then he is very scary when he's angry. And something as simple as, "Thank you, but Larla can't have dairy," could be the thing that sets him off. He could get belligerent and treat it like I'm accusing him of not being a good grandfather or something. And I wouldn't be able to convince my mom to leave him alone to go for a hike, because she would be afraid that he would feel left out. Better that we all sit together on our phones. Really, it's probably the unpredictability of his anger that is the real problem, because we all walk on eggshells around him, rather than dealing with the minor issues as they arise.


You really aren’t listening to what anyone is telling you.
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2025 13:37     Subject: How to stop amnesia about how narcissistic my dad is?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would have gone on the hike with my mom. It sounds like you all cater to your father. Why? So what if he’s offended? You can gently say, “thanks so much for the donuts! Unfortunately, Larla can’t have dairy – – I think we’ve mentioned this before. Otherwise she would love to have that.”

Your parents probably thought they could handle going to the party, but then when the time came, they just did not want to. Some people are going with the flow and some people aren’t. Sounds like you all worked through it and found a solution that worked for everybody

I think the problem is, you don’t want to stand up to your parents, and that’s the only thing that you can really control. I hate to say it, but after reading this website for a few years, your examples are not really that serious. Is it annoying? Sure. Do those things add up over the course of a visit? Sure. Is this an insurmountable problem coming from your father? Not so sure. I think you can change your mindset and steel yourself to push back a bit. See how that works next time.

Thanks. Honestly, my dad is incredibly laid back...until he isn't. And it's not always clear exactly what's going to set him off, but then he is very scary when he's angry. And something as simple as, "Thank you, but Larla can't have dairy," could be the thing that sets him off. He could get belligerent and treat it like I'm accusing him of not being a good grandfather or something. And I wouldn't be able to convince my mom to leave him alone to go for a hike, because she would be afraid that he would feel left out. Better that we all sit together on our phones. Really, it's probably the unpredictability of his anger that is the real problem, because we all walk on eggshells around him, rather than dealing with the minor issues as they arise.


It's a you thing.
You are passive aggressive. Why mention Larla can't have one, just take one and say thanks.
If he ever does rage out that's great. You have a reason why they cannot ever visit again.


No I don’t OP is being passive aggressive. She’s behaving like someone who grew up in a household with a parent who has anger management and rage issues. She and her mother walk on eggshells to keep the jerk happy and keep peace. I do not allow guests to throw fits and scream in my house.


OP has posted this post because she thinks her father acted poorly. You will note there were no instances of abuse, screaming or throwing a fit. You are making stuff up.
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2025 13:37     Subject: Re:How to stop amnesia about how narcissistic my dad is?
Honestly it sounds like you are very focused on everyone doing everything together because it's a short visit, and that just isn't serving you well. You didn't want to miss the neighbors' party. Why couldn't your parents just relax at your house while you went? My parents are definitely tired at the end of the day, but we don't have to sit and stare at each other. The coffee and donuts thing is a little annoying, but I'm sure your oldest has experienced others eating baked goods made with dairy around her before, it's not like inhaling peanut dust or something. If the cold was bugging your dad, a drive could work too. It doesn't sound perfect, but also not a terrible disaster.
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2025 13:35     Subject: How to stop amnesia about how narcissistic my dad is?
It sounds like you're trying to make the visit go well by scheduling as much "fun activities" as possible. But that's too much activities for them. Travel itself is an activity and is tiring when you're old. And old people get cold because of poor circulation, take it seriously.

Old people have a hard time pooping. That's why they drink coffee. Your dad might have wanted more coffee for that reason. Maybe he likes a different coffee than your mom does. Or maybe he just wanted a break from your high-anxiety vibe or from your kids and buying donuts and coffee for others was just an excuse.

Older generations aren't as sensitive about food allergies and he probably just forgot, or he thought you would give your kid a different treat. It's okay. Just do that.
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2025 13:26     Subject: How to stop amnesia about how narcissistic my dad is?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would have gone on the hike with my mom. It sounds like you all cater to your father. Why? So what if he’s offended? You can gently say, “thanks so much for the donuts! Unfortunately, Larla can’t have dairy – – I think we’ve mentioned this before. Otherwise she would love to have that.”

Your parents probably thought they could handle going to the party, but then when the time came, they just did not want to. Some people are going with the flow and some people aren’t. Sounds like you all worked through it and found a solution that worked for everybody

I think the problem is, you don’t want to stand up to your parents, and that’s the only thing that you can really control. I hate to say it, but after reading this website for a few years, your examples are not really that serious. Is it annoying? Sure. Do those things add up over the course of a visit? Sure. Is this an insurmountable problem coming from your father? Not so sure. I think you can change your mindset and steel yourself to push back a bit. See how that works next time.

Thanks. Honestly, my dad is incredibly laid back...until he isn't. And it's not always clear exactly what's going to set him off, but then he is very scary when he's angry. And something as simple as, "Thank you, but Larla can't have dairy," could be the thing that sets him off. He could get belligerent and treat it like I'm accusing him of not being a good grandfather or something. And I wouldn't be able to convince my mom to leave him alone to go for a hike, because she would be afraid that he would feel left out. Better that we all sit together on our phones. Really, it's probably the unpredictability of his anger that is the real problem, because we all walk on eggshells around him, rather than dealing with the minor issues as they arise.


It's a you thing.
You are passive aggressive. Why mention Larla can't have one, just take one and say thanks.
If he ever does rage out that's great. You have a reason why they cannot ever visit again.


No I don’t OP is being passive aggressive. She’s behaving like someone who grew up in a household with a parent who has anger management and rage issues. She and her mother walk on eggshells to keep the jerk happy and keep peace. I do not allow guests to throw fits and scream in my house.


Except she isn’t walking on eggshells given her post and controlling actions and she is the one who was going to have a meltdown if her father didn’t go to the party that she was insisting he attend.
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2025 13:23     Subject: How to stop amnesia about how narcissistic my dad is?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I get it OP, because I am also a little rigid and like to plan, but this is a you problem.

Plan to do NOTHING when your parents visit. I literally just make sure I have some beverages they like and a cribbage board out. If they feel up to a walk or another outing in the moment, we do it. Otherwise it's all play by ear or I specifically leave them home while I take my kids to must-not-skip events.

We have planned to do nothing before and they spend the entire time sitting on my couch staring at their phones. It's awkward for DH and I to sit and listen to their Instagram reels. Plus, my kids notice that my parents aren't really "visiting" with us, and it makes them feel like their grandparents aren't interested in them.


That’s about your own emotional discomfort. If they want to watch instagram reels, it’s okay. You are their adult child, not their parent. It’s not your job to get them off their phones and engaged in a socially appropriate activity.
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2025 13:14     Subject: How to stop amnesia about how narcissistic my dad is?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would have gone on the hike with my mom. It sounds like you all cater to your father. Why? So what if he’s offended? You can gently say, “thanks so much for the donuts! Unfortunately, Larla can’t have dairy – – I think we’ve mentioned this before. Otherwise she would love to have that.”

Your parents probably thought they could handle going to the party, but then when the time came, they just did not want to. Some people are going with the flow and some people aren’t. Sounds like you all worked through it and found a solution that worked for everybody

I think the problem is, you don’t want to stand up to your parents, and that’s the only thing that you can really control. I hate to say it, but after reading this website for a few years, your examples are not really that serious. Is it annoying? Sure. Do those things add up over the course of a visit? Sure. Is this an insurmountable problem coming from your father? Not so sure. I think you can change your mindset and steel yourself to push back a bit. See how that works next time.

Thanks. Honestly, my dad is incredibly laid back...until he isn't. And it's not always clear exactly what's going to set him off, but then he is very scary when he's angry. And something as simple as, "Thank you, but Larla can't have dairy," could be the thing that sets him off. He could get belligerent and treat it like I'm accusing him of not being a good grandfather or something. And I wouldn't be able to convince my mom to leave him alone to go for a hike, because she would be afraid that he would feel left out. Better that we all sit together on our phones. Really, it's probably the unpredictability of his anger that is the real problem, because we all walk on eggshells around him, rather than dealing with the minor issues as they arise.


It's a you thing.
You are passive aggressive. Why mention Larla can't have one, just take one and say thanks.
If he ever does rage out that's great. You have a reason why they cannot ever visit again.


No I don’t OP is being passive aggressive. She’s behaving like someone who grew up in a household with a parent who has anger management and rage issues. She and her mother walk on eggshells to keep the jerk happy and keep peace. I do not allow guests to throw fits and scream in my house.