Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP and my involved sibling and I would gladly hire out someone to do all the tasks I do for $25-30 an hour but like I said it isn’t caring for him it doing all the endless tasks that need doing that requires some particular knowledge.

All these people who think you can just hire someone for $25 an hour to manage an elderly person’s life are people who have never had to do the heavy lifting of trying to cancel internet and landline of an elderly person who can’t remember their PIN number. You have to sit there for over an hour trying to actually reach a person to cancel or they continue getting bills.

You think you can hire someone at that rate who can then hire movers, find people to take a bunch of stuff to goodwill, other stuff to trash. Then go to bank and get cash to pay some of these people. Change address on newspapers, and so many other things.

Please tell me who is going to the ER at 11 pm when your someone falls or has COVID and you have to advocate and speak to the doctor.

It’s hard to find someone who drives and who can pick up elderly person, sit there at the doctors office to make sure they are giving actual medical history, understand if they need to see a specialist, coordinate that apt, set up the next apt, check to see if there are outstanding balances, pick up medication at pharmacy and then drive person back to their house or assisted living.

So how is the sibling 1,000 miles away going to magically hire a person that does all that? That’s why that sibling was the one who suggested it and our father tells me all the time he wants to write me a check for all I do, for gas money, etc. I should have been taking him up on his offer but haven’t in the 7 years since our mother died.

I don’t want a penny of inheritance, I just realized how much financially I am losing out while one sibling does absolutely nothing.

And thinking about it I am not even counting all the hours my spouse and teenage kids have spent helping him out. My oldest child drives and I just realized for the past year I have been occasionally saying - after school swing by grocery store to get some cough drops, toilet paper, milk, etc. for your grandfather. Each purchase is probably under $10 so my kid feels bad asking their grandpa for the money. I thought they were getting reimbursed but they just told me they never have been.

Yes, someone can do it for $25 an hour. This is not a skilled job. I could not imagine charging my MIL and she lived with us for a year and I was her full time caregiver.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I pay an elder care manager to do what OP is doing for my elderly uncle with dementia. He is a wealthy man so we are using his money to buy him the best care we can find. The manager goes to his doctor appointments with him, vets care givers, ensures he has supplies, and meets him at the hospital in the middle of the night if necessary. Her rate is $200/hr. So $80/hr doesn’t seem outrageous to me. Plus, if she can’t charge her rate she can’t take time off from her work to take care of her dad, right? We aren’t all made of money and need to earn our daily bread.

Thank you , this is OP and this is helpful. Like I explained before I would never charge him for visiting or the times I go pick him up to watch his grandkids play sports which he enjoys, or having him eat a Sunday dinner at our house.

It is the times that are costing me financially. It getting reimbursed for the receipts I have for eyeglasses, dentist visit, etc. I have burned through vacation time helping him move, leaving work early to take him to dr. appointments, etc. I used to work overtime and can no longer do that. It isn't charging him far into the past it is just the recent months because it has taken so much of my time to do all of these tedious jobs that neither sibling can do or is willing to do. I would be absolutely ecstatic if he went to live near either sibling and I wouldn't have to do anything. I'm tired and burned out after doing it for several years.

And it is just so depressing because it seems never ending at this point as he continues to decline both mentally and physically. How did you find the elder care manager?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I pay an elder care manager to do what OP is doing for my elderly uncle with dementia. He is a wealthy man so we are using his money to buy him the best care we can find. The manager goes to his doctor appointments with him, vets care givers, ensures he has supplies, and meets him at the hospital in the middle of the night if necessary. Her rate is $200/hr. So $80/hr doesn’t seem outrageous to me. Plus, if she can’t charge her rate she can’t take time off from her work to take care of her dad, right? We aren’t all made of money and need to earn our daily bread.

Thank you , this is OP and this is helpful. Like I explained before I would never charge him for visiting or the times I go pick him up to watch his grandkids play sports which he enjoys, or having him eat a Sunday dinner at our house.

It is the times that are costing me financially. It getting reimbursed for the receipts I have for eyeglasses, dentist visit, etc. I have burned through vacation time helping him move, leaving work early to take him to dr. appointments, etc. I used to work overtime and can no longer do that. It isn't charging him far into the past it is just the recent months because it has taken so much of my time to do all of these tedious jobs that neither sibling can do or is willing to do. I would be absolutely ecstatic if he went to live near either sibling and I wouldn't have to do anything. I'm tired and burned out after doing it for several years.

And it is just so depressing because it seems never ending at this point as he continues to decline both mentally and physically. How did you find the elder care manager?

Anonymous wrote:I pay an elder care manager to do what OP is doing for my elderly uncle with dementia. He is a wealthy man so we are using his money to buy him the best care we can find. The manager goes to his doctor appointments with him, vets care givers, ensures he has supplies, and meets him at the hospital in the middle of the night if necessary. Her rate is $200/hr. So $80/hr doesn’t seem outrageous to me. Plus, if she can’t charge her rate she can’t take time off from her work to take care of her dad, right? We aren’t all made of money and need to earn our daily bread.

Anonymous wrote:This is OP and my involved sibling and I would gladly hire out someone to do all the tasks I do for $25-30 an hour but like I said it isn’t caring for him it doing all the endless tasks that need doing that requires some particular knowledge.

All these people who think you can just hire someone for $25 an hour to manage an elderly person’s life are people who have never had to do the heavy lifting of trying to cancel internet and landline of an elderly person who can’t remember their PIN number. You have to sit there for over an hour trying to actually reach a person to cancel or they continue getting bills.

You think you can hire someone at that rate who can then hire movers, find people to take a bunch of stuff to goodwill, other stuff to trash. Then go to bank and get cash to pay some of these people. Change address on newspapers, and so many other things.

Please tell me who is going to the ER at 11 pm when your someone falls or has COVID and you have to advocate and speak to the doctor.

It’s hard to find someone who drives and who can pick up elderly person, sit there at the doctors office to make sure they are giving actual medical history, understand if they need to see a specialist, coordinate that apt, set up the next apt, check to see if there are outstanding balances, pick up medication at pharmacy and then drive person back to their house or assisted living.

So how is the sibling 1,000 miles away going to magically hire a person that does all that? That’s why that sibling was the one who suggested it and our father tells me all the time he wants to write me a check for all I do, for gas money, etc. I should have been taking him up on his offer but haven’t in the 7 years since our mother died.

I don’t want a penny of inheritance, I just realized how much financially I am losing out while one sibling does absolutely nothing.

And thinking about it I am not even counting all the hours my spouse and teenage kids have spent helping him out. My oldest child drives and I just realized for the past year I have been occasionally saying - after school swing by grocery store to get some cough drops, toilet paper, milk, etc. for your grandfather. Each purchase is probably under $10 so my kid feels bad asking their grandpa for the money. I thought they were getting reimbursed but they just told me they never have been.

Anonymous wrote:I pay an elder care manager to do what OP is doing for my elderly uncle with dementia. He is a wealthy man so we are using his money to buy him the best care we can find. The manager goes to his doctor appointments with him, vets care givers, ensures he has supplies, and meets him at the hospital in the middle of the night if necessary. Her rate is $200/hr. So $80/hr doesn’t seem outrageous to me. Plus, if she can’t charge her rate she can’t take time off from her work to take care of her dad, right? We aren’t all made of money and need to earn our daily bread.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I am sorry some peolle are being so mean to you. It’s obvious to me that you love your dad. I ageee it’s not fair you are taking such a financial hit. It’s fine that lots of people do this for free for their family members —- their parent may not have money to pay, or they may be an only child that will eventually inherit everything. But let’s say OP’s dad has $300K saved up that will not be needed for his own care. At his death, it is divided equally between the three kids. But OP has spent more like $200K in her time and funds to care for him. Is it hair do nothing sibling gets $100K when OP has to tell her kids “no money for the college you want…”. No it is not and her good sibling and dad agree.

I have a sibling that is under employed and taking on more of the work of caring for my mom. I really would LIkE to pay him as I feel like maybe he’d get more work if he didn’t have to care for mom, and I am worried about his own lack of retirement savings. I wish he would take the money. Instead I get mom meal gift cards and she treats him as a thanks.

I agree with PPs that you should document and try your good sibling yo sign off on expenses (maybe monthly?) so you don’t end up with bad sibling accusing you of elder abuse/theft. And if there are more big tasks (like cleaning out an apartment) that could be outsourced for a lower hourly rate, you should consider that.

Also note that estate executors get paid for a lot of this stuff out of the estate funds if they do it after death. No reason why OP shouldn’t be paid for doing this stuff prior to death.

You sound unhinged.

There is zero evidence OP loves her dad at all. She loves his money but doesn't seem to give a rats ass about him. She doesn't seem to have a kind or caring bone in her body. She doesn't see her father as a person at all, just as a bank. She doesn't see why a daughter would ever lift a finger or do a single thing for a parent (or probably anyone) unless they are being paid for it. Acts of kindness don't exist in her world. It is the extreme of an individualistic society where no one else matters at all. Step all over everyone else to make money and move up the ladder even if that means tromping on your elderly and vulnerable father. And the repsonses of people who agree that you should never lift a finger or give any time or support or money or help to anyone unless they pony up cold hard cash is simply more sad examples of this. Too much time listening to narcissistic political leaders who are all about me, me, me, me, me, me and me. These threads are just a sad reflection of people taking that to heart and thinking yes, it should be only about me and I should try and take whatever I can from whomever I can. If my sibling was OP, I would absolutely go after her for elder abuse and financial abuse.

Anonymous wrote:OP I am sorry some peolle are being so mean to you. It’s obvious to me that you love your dad. I ageee it’s not fair you are taking such a financial hit. It’s fine that lots of people do this for free for their family members —- their parent may not have money to pay, or they may be an only child that will eventually inherit everything. But let’s say OP’s dad has $300K saved up that will not be needed for his own care. At his death, it is divided equally between the three kids. But OP has spent more like $200K in her time and funds to care for him. Is it hair do nothing sibling gets $100K when OP has to tell her kids “no money for the college you want…”. No it is not and her good sibling and dad agree.

I have a sibling that is under employed and taking on more of the work of caring for my mom. I really would LIkE to pay him as I feel like maybe he’d get more work if he didn’t have to care for mom, and I am worried about his own lack of retirement savings. I wish he would take the money. Instead I get mom meal gift cards and she treats him as a thanks.

I agree with PPs that you should document and try your good sibling yo sign off on expenses (maybe monthly?) so you don’t end up with bad sibling accusing you of elder abuse/theft. And if there are more big tasks (like cleaning out an apartment) that could be outsourced for a lower hourly rate, you should consider that.

Also note that estate executors get paid for a lot of this stuff out of the estate funds if they do it after death. No reason why OP shouldn’t be paid for doing this stuff prior to death.