Anonymous
10/15/2025 22:36
Subject: Anyone’s exDH try to use family caregiving for custody?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:[twitter]Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:From a practical standpoint, if she lives in the UK, how often do you think it is even possible that she will be taking care of your kids.
I wouldn't add anything in for those rare occasions.
+1 I wouldn't get into a tit for tat about mother in laws when yours is on another continent and his is likely to be living in the same house as the child soon. Concentrate on keeping things amicable so that it will naturally make more sense in his mind to call you when he's called out of town, before booking a plane ticket.
I’m OP and you have it mixed up. STBexMIL lives permanently in the Uk. DH would fly her the 6 hours or whatever whenever he had a work trip so she could babysit. And then fly her back to the UK. She is the primary caregiver for another grandchild there.
My mom is local. She does not live with us, and probably won’t for 3-4 years. I don’t anticipate her providing childcare ever but am concerned about my child being a teen one day and wanting to stay home alone and not being able to if she does move in with us.
This will sort itself out. UK Granny will do this 1-2x and you’ll end up with the kids.
Play the long game.
This, he will still get his "appearances and pride" with this.
Oh, look how wonderful he is, he's such a devoted dad, has 50/50 custody even with his packed schedule, and he makes soooo much money, look how he flew grandma from the UK, isn't that nice, what a great guy! (Meanwhile he did it twice out of eight work trips, is getting discounted child support, and the time he does spend with the kid he's probably on his work phone)
OP and yeah, I think you summed it up pretty nicely here. I pray that it will be twice out of eight work trips. The reality is more like 20-30 trips per year and even if she only covered 25% of them that would still be a ton of time. And I won’t be able to renegotiate child support without returning to court, which will be expensive and require a track record of him regularly bailing on visitation for an extended period of time. My state is every 2 years for child support modification barring a “significant” change in circumstances, and that would be totally missed visitation, not bailing out half the time for travel.
He’s kind of got a brilliant plan here.
Mi mean- he will have 50/50 custody. So let’s say he cuts it back to your minimum of 20 trip a year- he will have the child for 26 weeks a year. Simple to adjust his travel to his weeks without your son and to be present during his week of parenting time.
Anonymous
10/15/2025 22:34
Subject: Anyone’s exDH try to use family caregiving for custody?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Is 50/50 so he does not have to pay child support?
He’ll have a small fortune. He filed several weeks before a significant, life-changing petition. I don’t think it’s about child support so much as appearances and pride.
Sounds like it’s your pride and appearance and you are taking the kids from dad. The simple solution is to be flexible and switch days and weeks as needed. Kids deserve both parents.
No way am I going to contort myself to fit his travel schedule after divorce as if we’re still married and then sacrifice the career I need to survive just to appease his need to look like a good dad while he is unwilling to sacrifice a single thing to see his kids. There are a million jobs that pay quite well for someone like him that don’t require travel every week or every other week. He just can’t put his ego and need for external validation above his responsibility to his kids.
Go back to your incel forum.
Honestly, you don't sound like a rational actor in this discussion either.
Anonymous
10/15/2025 22:30
Subject: Anyone’s exDH try to use family caregiving for custody?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Is 50/50 so he does not have to pay child support?
He’ll have a small fortune. He filed several weeks before a significant, life-changing petition. I don’t think it’s about child support so much as appearances and pride.
Sounds like it’s your pride and appearance and you are taking the kids from dad. The simple solution is to be flexible and switch days and weeks as needed. Kids deserve both parents.
No way am I going to contort myself to fit his travel schedule after divorce as if we’re still married and then sacrifice the career I need to survive just to appease his need to look like a good dad while he is unwilling to sacrifice a single thing to see his kids. There are a million jobs that pay quite well for someone like him that don’t require travel every week or every other week. He just can’t put his ego and need for external validation above his responsibility to his kids.
Go back to your incel forum.
Not PP you replied to, but you need to calm down, OP. That comment was way out of line. Most parents end up having to work around some scheduling issues on their own, outside of the legal custody agreement. If your job is not flexible in this way, then he will have to figure out childcare during his parenting time. And you will not get a say. Honestly, both you and the husband seem really, really rigid and punitive. Your children are going to get the short end of the stick if you two keep that up. They will be your victims. Let's be clear about who you are both hurting here.
That's not how custody works. If you want 50/50, commit to a consistent schedule for the kids and for your spouse's job so they can continue to contribute their share to financially supporting the children. It is not in the best interests of children for them to be expecting to be at mom's house Sun-Fri and then suddenly on Tuesday they find out they're there for just Sun-Weds because dad is leaving on a work trip the next Monday and wants extra time Thursday and Friday to make up for his trip the following week.
The only people I've heard of who do that had extremely amicable divorces, extraordinarily high net worth, and settled everything out of court and cooperatively.
Someone as described in this thread who is so hellbent on maintaining a travel schedule that is clearly not compatible with 50/50 that they're proposing the imaginary solution of flying old women across oceans is probably not a person to whom OP should be offering makeup time and flexible custody arrangements to.
100% true. My ex is abusive and has EOW. I can’t deviate from the schedule. I plan my own work travel for his parenting time (I travel 4 nights a month) and I will not be impacting my job (I’m breadwinner) to pick up his parenting slack. Nope.
Op just provide his overnight travel schedule (I used his Marriott statements for the last decade) showing him not present for between 80-120 nights a year and received primary custody because of always been the primary parent. If that’s your situation just document it.
Anonymous
10/15/2025 22:24
Subject: Anyone’s exDH try to use family caregiving for custody?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Talk to him about it and offer to change parenting days when he travels. If its not ok his mom care for the kids, why is it ok yours care when she's not doing well herself and cannot actually care for the kids. You both need a real and realistic back up plan.
Mine doesn’t even live with us and wouldn’t care for DC. DC is 8. I’m just imagining a future when DC is 13 and my mom has moved in and DC can’t stay home “alone” like a normal 13 year old for a few hours because they would be technically in the house with my mom so DH could trigger ROFR.
Look ROFR is nice but kind of like morality clauses re: new partners- NO ONE is enforcing these.
Honestly ROFR and morality clauses and so much more are just things lawyers use to keep you talking/arguing and using their services. You can file contempt, maybe, but without the child’s testimony (not possible they’re a minor) how much do you want to spend to prove he had, say, a responsible capable caregiver, rather than you. Lawyers don’t tell you that no one cares about this stuff- there’s no divorce police to call, and court is onerous md expensive.
OP my honest advice to you is to deeply and fully understand and accept that he’s their dad and his parenting time is his. With divorce you lose control over what happens at his home and I wish someone had pressed this on me sooner
Anonymous
10/15/2025 21:59
Subject: Anyone’s exDH try to use family caregiving for custody?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:So a lot of this is about him looking good and being rich presumably at your expense. If you end up more time he has to pay more because you are incurring the expenses, no? Ask your lawyer.
Yes but first I have to document over time and then go back for modification which can only be done after a 2 year period unless he egregiously skipped out on visitation.
Yeah, but this is the case whether he manages to get UK grandma here or not.
You've been deal an unfair hand here. It sucks and I am sorry. But bide your time and don't let your justified anger get the best of you.
Anonymous
10/15/2025 21:47
Subject: Anyone’s exDH try to use family caregiving for custody?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:From a practical standpoint, if she lives in the UK, how often do you think it is even possible that she will be taking care of your kids.
I wouldn't add anything in for those rare occasions.
DH has added it into the parenting plan he presented prior to our formal mediation session, so I think both he and his attorney see this as perfectly practical. He is very well-compensated and drowning in frequent flier miles so she could easily fly business class in perpetuity.
NP - even so, the reality and logistics of his mother rearranging her childcare duties in the UK and getting on a plane just to pick up more childcare duties after a six hour flight while she is jetlagged - and in time before HE leaves on his business trip is unlikely to happen frequently, if at all.
The only right of refusal I might get in place here is that he doesn't get to leave town, leave child with you, and fly his mom in the next day or the like, to take over. Either MIL is present before he leaves or child stays with you. But if that's going to ratchet up the conflict in the divorce I would probably let that slide because I don't think MIL is going to as eager to drop everything and fly here as her son thinks she is.
Anonymous
10/15/2025 15:39
Subject: Anyone’s exDH try to use family caregiving for custody?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Is 50/50 so he does not have to pay child support?
He’ll have a small fortune. He filed several weeks before a significant, life-changing petition. I don’t think it’s about child support so much as appearances and pride.
Sounds like it’s your pride and appearance and you are taking the kids from dad. The simple solution is to be flexible and switch days and weeks as needed. Kids deserve both parents.
No way am I going to contort myself to fit his travel schedule after divorce as if we’re still married and then sacrifice the career I need to survive just to appease his need to look like a good dad while he is unwilling to sacrifice a single thing to see his kids. There are a million jobs that pay quite well for someone like him that don’t require travel every week or every other week. He just can’t put his ego and need for external validation above his responsibility to his kids.
Go back to your incel forum.
Not PP you replied to, but you need to calm down, OP. That comment was way out of line. Most parents end up having to work around some scheduling issues on their own, outside of the legal custody agreement. If your job is not flexible in this way, then he will have to figure out childcare during his parenting time. And you will not get a say. Honestly, both you and the husband seem really, really rigid and punitive. Your children are going to get the short end of the stick if you two keep that up. They will be your victims. Let's be clear about who you are both hurting here.
That's not how custody works. If you want 50/50, commit to a consistent schedule for the kids and for your spouse's job so they can continue to contribute their share to financially supporting the children. It is not in the best interests of children for them to be expecting to be at mom's house Sun-Fri and then suddenly on Tuesday they find out they're there for just Sun-Weds because dad is leaving on a work trip the next Monday and wants extra time Thursday and Friday to make up for his trip the following week.
The only people I've heard of who do that had extremely amicable divorces, extraordinarily high net worth, and settled everything out of court and cooperatively.
Someone as described in this thread who is so hellbent on maintaining a travel schedule that is clearly not compatible with 50/50 that they're proposing the imaginary solution of flying old women across oceans is probably not a person to whom OP should be offering makeup time and flexible custody arrangements to.
+1000
Anonymous
10/15/2025 15:10
Subject: Anyone’s exDH try to use family caregiving for custody?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I was in a similar situation. You have to let it go. It won’t last long.
Any survival tips?
Her survival tip is too let it go. You seem slow. What you want may not be possible.
Anonymous
10/15/2025 14:28
Subject: Anyone’s exDH try to use family caregiving for custody?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Is 50/50 so he does not have to pay child support?
He’ll have a small fortune. He filed several weeks before a significant, life-changing petition. I don’t think it’s about child support so much as appearances and pride.
Sounds like it’s your pride and appearance and you are taking the kids from dad. The simple solution is to be flexible and switch days and weeks as needed. Kids deserve both parents.
No way am I going to contort myself to fit his travel schedule after divorce as if we’re still married and then sacrifice the career I need to survive just to appease his need to look like a good dad while he is unwilling to sacrifice a single thing to see his kids. There are a million jobs that pay quite well for someone like him that don’t require travel every week or every other week. He just can’t put his ego and need for external validation above his responsibility to his kids.
Go back to your incel forum.
Not PP you replied to, but you need to calm down, OP. That comment was way out of line. Most parents end up having to work around some scheduling issues on their own, outside of the legal custody agreement. If your job is not flexible in this way, then he will have to figure out childcare during his parenting time. And you will not get a say. Honestly, both you and the husband seem really, really rigid and punitive. Your children are going to get the short end of the stick if you two keep that up. They will be your victims. Let's be clear about who you are both hurting here.
That's not how custody works. If you want 50/50, commit to a consistent schedule for the kids and for your spouse's job so they can continue to contribute their share to financially supporting the children. It is not in the best interests of children for them to be expecting to be at mom's house Sun-Fri and then suddenly on Tuesday they find out they're there for just Sun-Weds because dad is leaving on a work trip the next Monday and wants extra time Thursday and Friday to make up for his trip the following week.
The only people I've heard of who do that had extremely amicable divorces, extraordinarily high net worth, and settled everything out of court and cooperatively.
Someone as described in this thread who is so hellbent on maintaining a travel schedule that is clearly not compatible with 50/50 that they're proposing the imaginary solution of flying old women across oceans is probably not a person to whom OP should be offering makeup time and flexible custody arrangements to.
Anonymous
10/15/2025 14:27
Subject: Anyone’s exDH try to use family caregiving for custody?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Is 50/50 so he does not have to pay child support?
He’ll have a small fortune. He filed several weeks before a significant, life-changing petition. I don’t think it’s about child support so much as appearances and pride.
Sounds like it’s your pride and appearance and you are taking the kids from dad. The simple solution is to be flexible and switch days and weeks as needed. Kids deserve both parents.
No way am I going to contort myself to fit his travel schedule after divorce as if we’re still married and then sacrifice the career I need to survive just to appease his need to look like a good dad while he is unwilling to sacrifice a single thing to see his kids. There are a million jobs that pay quite well for someone like him that don’t require travel every week or every other week. He just can’t put his ego and need for external validation above his responsibility to his kids.
Go back to your incel forum.
Grow up. If you are not reasonable and I can see why you are getting divorced. Marriage and parenting are partnerships. You enjoyed the money from his job and traveling. He may not be able to get a job and he shouldn't have to choose given YOU can work with him and find a way to make it work. Your ego is the issue. He's not traveling for fun, he's traveling for work. Why don't you give him full custody and you get visits when its convienent for you.
Anonymous
10/15/2025 14:22
Subject: Anyone’s exDH try to use family caregiving for custody?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Is 50/50 so he does not have to pay child support?
He’ll have a small fortune. He filed several weeks before a significant, life-changing petition. I don’t think it’s about child support so much as appearances and pride.
Sounds like it’s your pride and appearance and you are taking the kids from dad. The simple solution is to be flexible and switch days and weeks as needed. Kids deserve both parents.
No way am I going to contort myself to fit his travel schedule after divorce as if we’re still married and then sacrifice the career I need to survive just to appease his need to look like a good dad while he is unwilling to sacrifice a single thing to see his kids. There are a million jobs that pay quite well for someone like him that don’t require travel every week or every other week. He just can’t put his ego and need for external validation above his responsibility to his kids.
Go back to your incel forum.
Not PP you replied to, but you need to calm down, OP. That comment was way out of line. Most parents end up having to work around some scheduling issues on their own, outside of the legal custody agreement. If your job is not flexible in this way, then he will have to figure out childcare during his parenting time. And you will not get a say. Honestly, both you and the husband seem really, really rigid and punitive. Your children are going to get the short end of the stick if you two keep that up. They will be your victims. Let's be clear about who you are both hurting here.
Anonymous
10/15/2025 14:14
Subject: Anyone’s exDH try to use family caregiving for custody?
Are you sure he doesn’t plan to remarry quickly? Then the new wife would simply continue instead of grandma.
Anonymous
10/15/2025 13:44
Subject: Anyone’s exDH try to use family caregiving for custody?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Is 50/50 so he does not have to pay child support?
He’ll have a small fortune. He filed several weeks before a significant, life-changing petition. I don’t think it’s about child support so much as appearances and pride.
Sounds like it’s your pride and appearance and you are taking the kids from dad. The simple solution is to be flexible and switch days and weeks as needed. Kids deserve both parents.
No way am I going to contort myself to fit his travel schedule after divorce as if we’re still married and then sacrifice the career I need to survive just to appease his need to look like a good dad while he is unwilling to sacrifice a single thing to see his kids. There are a million jobs that pay quite well for someone like him that don’t require travel every week or every other week. He just can’t put his ego and need for external validation above his responsibility to his kids.
Go back to your incel forum.
Anonymous
10/15/2025 11:03
Subject: Anyone’s exDH try to use family caregiving for custody?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Is 50/50 so he does not have to pay child support?
He’ll have a small fortune. He filed several weeks before a significant, life-changing petition. I don’t think it’s about child support so much as appearances and pride.
Sounds like it’s your pride and appearance and you are taking the kids from dad. The simple solution is to be flexible and switch days and weeks as needed. Kids deserve both parents.
Anonymous
10/15/2025 11:00
Subject: Anyone’s exDH try to use family caregiving for custody?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:[twitter]Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:From a practical standpoint, if she lives in the UK, how often do you think it is even possible that she will be taking care of your kids.
I wouldn't add anything in for those rare occasions.
+1 I wouldn't get into a tit for tat about mother in laws when yours is on another continent and his is likely to be living in the same house as the child soon. Concentrate on keeping things amicable so that it will naturally make more sense in his mind to call you when he's called out of town, before booking a plane ticket.
I’m OP and you have it mixed up. STBexMIL lives permanently in the Uk. DH would fly her the 6 hours or whatever whenever he had a work trip so she could babysit. And then fly her back to the UK. She is the primary caregiver for another grandchild there.
My mom is local. She does not live with us, and probably won’t for 3-4 years. I don’t anticipate her providing childcare ever but am concerned about my child being a teen one day and wanting to stay home alone and not being able to if she does move in with us.
That's literally what I said. Don't get into a tit for tat about mothers in law because your MIL lives on another continent and his MIL is likely to be living in the same house as the kid.
And knowing that your MIL is already the primary caregiver for a grandchild in the UK makes it even less likely that she would actually be flown over for last minute babysitting. Realize how unlikely this is to materialize as a real issue, let alone a recurring one, and move on.
I think it will be an issue. His side of the family has gotten very involved in the divorce proceedings and supporting him in getting 50/50 custody (“or more!”, as one relative said). I think there is a lot of pride and egos and other stuff involved. Like they have to prove that their son is a good guy so they’re waving their hands around to distract from the whole walking out on us thing.
I do thing they would move mountains to bring family back and forth to make sure 50/50 worked just so they could tell extended family and neighbors what a good dad STBX is.
They might. That’s OK. You should accept that his family being involved in your child’s life may be a good thing. It might also fizzle after 6-12 months when they realize just how impractical it is.
Care less about what extended family and neighbors think about him.