This is OP and this thread has given me a lot to think about. I definitely didn’t have any buddies or friends in this last job - hard to create connections in a remote environment - and I knew I never fit in.

It just seems that some people are treated more respectfully than I am. I have gotten so much feedback since I started in the professional world, but now the feedback appears to be at odds: in my last role, I was told to soften my tone/approach (be less direct) and in this new role I was asked to be less flowery and more direct.

I just wish I could find a place where I’m treated as competent and deserving of respect. I did not get that in my last two roles and it all seems to come down to whether people like you or not, and it seems like I can never get the “right” people to like me. I don’t know if I come across as threatening or not a willing follower, I really don’t. But it seems I’m being evaluated on very objective metrics and I just can’t seem to come out on top.

All of this makes me think I just don’t have what it takes to be successful. I am smart and I work hard, but I realize this is kind of beside the point. I am too approval-seeking, I am afraid of speaking plainly/clearly/directly, and I am basically always afraid that I’m going to be chastised or criticized for…something. I have no confidence. I have imposter syndrome. And frequently it feels like I’m unwelcome and shouldn’t be…wherever I am.

So much noise, so many unwritten rules, gotta be so careful so as not to piss off the wrong person. I’m always trying to adapt, unsuccessfully. I want to be a success and work happily with people to make the mission a reality. I love getting things done and doing them well. But despite being liked *in general* I seem to totally lack political savvy and don’t have enough of a guard up. Or something. Ugh.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP and sad to see I’m not alone. Re: having emails reviewed - I refuse to believe this is normal, as this only happened in my last job. Previously I was chief of staff to CEO, and not sure if PP read my whole post but also have an advanced degree, so well past the point of needing to have my written communications reviewed for grammatical errors. Further, it’s demoralizing to be treated like you don’t have the mental capacity to write a solid email.

I just want to run away and join the circus, but sure this would be just as toxic.

Does this kind of stuff happen to men too? It just seems VASTLY easier to be a man in the workplace, and that goes for all workplaces I’ve been in.

I had my emails reviewed for the first year at two different jobs. I was thankful for it. If that bothers you that deeply, it’s only because you’re already triggered by other things. It’s in no way equal to harassment, in and of itself.

-woman

I've seen it from different angles: 1) review to get the message correct, 2) rewrite so it sounds like the senior person's voice (a preference), and 3) a review/rewrite for basic intelligibility and grammar. The first, you just have to let it go, it is a little bit about you, but more about making sure there isn't blowback from a mis-worded message. The second, this is the person's issue and you just have to let it go. They're the problem, not you. The third, it is a "you" problem.

But, OP, there is "Big T" trauma and "Little T" trauma. If there are even a few coworkers who make your day harder, for reasons unrelated to your job performance, it will wear on you. Perhaps re-frame your thinking and start viewing those coworkers as deficient and lacking certain basic skills.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP and sad to see I’m not alone. Re: having emails reviewed - I refuse to believe this is normal, as this only happened in my last job. Previously I was chief of staff to CEO, and not sure if PP read my whole post but also have an advanced degree, so well past the point of needing to have my written communications reviewed for grammatical errors. Further, it’s demoralizing to be treated like you don’t have the mental capacity to write a solid email.

I just want to run away and join the circus, but sure this would be just as toxic.

Does this kind of stuff happen to men too? It just seems VASTLY easier to be a man in the workplace, and that goes for all workplaces I’ve been in.

I am Asian, grew up in the US and attended Ivy. When I was working in a Hong Kong firm one of the odd things we had to do was rate each other's basic skills. One of these rated skills was command of the English language. My boss who routinely used English terms incorrectly (and I never dared to correct her) rated my English language skills as low.
My boss once stated in a meeting "That's his pejorative." I think she meant to say prerogative but if I said anything, she would have lost face. So we all had to pretend her vocabulary was not an embarrassment.
Just an example of how people in power don't see their own shortcomings but unconsciously project them on you.

Excellent point. Thank you. (NP)

Anonymous wrote:I have worked at some pretty horrible places, but I have been able to find some good friends no matter where I went. These friends always made things somewhat tolerable.

Same here. I’ve worked for enough orgs to know most prioritize cutting costs and protecting management and favored staffers, and both efforts breed misery. Take the money, (find a good friend or two), and run.

I have worked at some pretty horrible places, but I have been able to find some good friends no matter where I went. These friends always made things somewhat tolerable.

A year ago I was laid off and I spent a year unemployed.
It was mostly out of choice. I was lucky enough to receive unemployment and a modest side hustle that was fulfilling. However, most of my year of dormancy was because I've actually worked in very good companies. It's because I've had good work experience that the last job was so particularly traumatic - the practice was bad, the boss had a lot of issues, his business partner of 40 years doesn't even talk to him and the colleagues all were sycophants to his enormous and insecure ego. It was depressing.
Even though I was assured it would never happen, I suspected the main client would not renew the contract because my boss was such a bad service provider. This was indeed the outcome and many people were laid off. I was there only a year and despite feeling bad about the loss of income, the severance came as a relief.
It was a traumatic job experience but, again, I think it is because I have had good workplace experiences before this. Before I even accepted that job I knew it all felt wrong so this past year was spent not being desperate and accepting the small projects that made good sense.
I don't know what to say OP, I'm still trying to figure it out too.

Anonymous wrote:This is OP and sad to see I’m not alone. Re: having emails reviewed - I refuse to believe this is normal, as this only happened in my last job. Previously I was chief of staff to CEO, and not sure if PP read my whole post but also have an advanced degree, so well past the point of needing to have my written communications reviewed for grammatical errors. Further, it’s demoralizing to be treated like you don’t have the mental capacity to write a solid email.

I just want to run away and join the circus, but sure this would be just as toxic.

Does this kind of stuff happen to men too? It just seems VASTLY easier to be a man in the workplace, and that goes for all workplaces I’ve been in.

I had my emails reviewed for the first year at two different jobs. I was thankful for it. If that bothers you that deeply, it’s only because you’re already triggered by other things. It’s in no way equal to harassment, in and of itself.

-woman

Anonymous wrote:This is OP and sad to see I’m not alone. Re: having emails reviewed - I refuse to believe this is normal, as this only happened in my last job. Previously I was chief of staff to CEO, and not sure if PP read my whole post but also have an advanced degree, so well past the point of needing to have my written communications reviewed for grammatical errors. Further, it’s demoralizing to be treated like you don’t have the mental capacity to write a solid email.

I just want to run away and join the circus, but sure this would be just as toxic.

Does this kind of stuff happen to men too? It just seems VASTLY easier to be a man in the workplace, and that goes for all workplaces I’ve been in.

I am Asian, grew up in the US and attended Ivy. When I was working in a Hong Kong firm one of the odd things we had to do was rate each other's basic skills. One of these rated skills was command of the English language. My boss who routinely used English terms incorrectly (and I never dared to correct her) rated my English language skills as low.
My boss once stated in a meeting "That's his pejorative." I think she meant to say prerogative but if I said anything, she would have lost face. So we all had to pretend her vocabulary was not an embarrassment.
Just an example of how people in power don't see their own shortcomings but unconsciously project them on you.

Anonymous wrote:My blue collar work was abusive. I worked as a server for nearly three decades. Long hours, barely minimum wage, and then screaming and yelling 3-4 am after 12-hour shift by a drunk boss.
I tried to become a teacher, but school was just as toxic. I saw it as an aide finishing up my degree.
I knew I couldn't do the 12-hours shifts for long for such a low wage. I invested some of my money and small amounts grew big. Once I started investing actively, the returns were 50%+ a year.
I know a lot of people who still think about their toxic work environments.
Investing was my way out. I hope you find yours.

OMG - don’t you ever get sick of telling your story????

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 39 and just got laid off last week. I have worked for the better part of the last 26 years, and I am exhausted. I did blue collar work until my early thirties, when I got my degrees, and have been in the professional work force for the last five years.

I have been lied to, lied about, been caught in the political crosshairs of the office environment, bullied, sexually harassed, demeaned, pushed out, sidelined, etc. I was so on guard leaving my previous role for this new one, but this last job was probably the worst in terms of a lack of “psychological safety”: I was micromanaged, asked to send copies of emails for editing/review before sending out, spoken to like a naughty child when I didn’t read the minds of the managers I was supporting etc. The client loved me but my immediate peers/managers were passive-aggressive and the opposite of supportive.

ATP corporate America just seems like an exploitive toxic sludge and I feel panic when I think about taking on a new role. I never seem to be able to align with the right people and end up scapegoated. I’m sure there’s some blind spots but generally I’m very well-liked, it just seems that I’m an easy target for the workplace bully/ies and I am afraid of being in any kind of situation like that again.

Has anyone else been in this position? I have an MBA and want to work - I actually like working, even outside of the income perspective - but I am just so gun-shy. I feel like I’ll never find a place that’s honest and transparent and generally positive. Is it me? Is it them? Is this just the nature of work in America?

Honestly, this sounds like a mix of real grievances and petty ones. You've been in the white-collar world for only a few years, and being asked to have emails reviewed before being sent out for typos and errors is NOT on the same level as being sexually harassed. If everything to you amounts to trauma, you'll come across as a lightweight. No one deserves to be harassed, but any newbie should be glad that their communications are being reviewed prior to being sent out to clients.
Are you someone who is easily overwhelmed?

I disagree. Sounds like OP had a micromanager who had to review all of her comms. I worked with a woman who would spend a good 30 minutes writing one email because she had nothing else to do. OP's manager needs some real work to do.

OP - I’m so sorry that you went through that.

Some of these replies are harsh! Only you know what you experienced and what you experienced is real and valid to you.

I have had a couple horrific bosses. All female for what that’s worth. I definitely come from a traumatic childhood (not inferring anything towards you). So when some of the above posters are seeming trying to find blame that you could be the problem… I don’t believe that’s always true. I have found myself in toxic work conditions because I didn’t understand what I was in and why people acted the way they did. I didn’t leave because I didn’t think I could. That’s what happens when you come from abuse.

Again, I'm not saying that is your story. Im just providing a bit of my own anecdotal evidence to let you know you aren’t alone in finding yourself in a new work environment that is really different and confusing. One that doesn’t follow the “traditional” values you would expect from a professional work environment. One that makes you question yourself. Even just one toxic work environment can damage your mental health. I went from one toxic work to another without really letting myself reflect on what happened and how I got there. I ended up having to take medical leave to get out of the situation so I could breathe and figure out what to do. I’m now applying to graduate school in my mid-40s and will be switching careers.

If you can, try talking to a therapist or counselor to try and help you unpack this. That way you can start to see patterns or identify tools to help you navigate your next adventure. I wish you all the best OP. It’s a tough out there for sure.