Anonymous wrote:I disagree with your presumption about what the accepted standard is.

If I am in an exclusive relationship, no, I am not okay with him going one on one to the movies, dinner, etc. That's called a DATE.

Last week my husband had dinner with a woman he used to work with. She worked for the bank his company did business with and I’ve met her a bunch of times. I can assure you it was not a date. They do this once a year, either lunch or dinner, simply to catch up.

My now DH has a friend who is a girl and once I came home and they were watching a movie together on a couch. Curtains drawn, under (separate) blankets. At one time he had told me he was surprised the two of them had never hooked up.

I told him I was not ok with the situation and he understood. They still hang out occasionally (usually with spouses now) but in public.

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with your presumption about what the accepted standard is.

If I am in an exclusive relationship, no, I am not okay with him going one on one to the movies, dinner, etc. That's called a DATE.

Would you be ok with your spouse going to the movies alone with a friend of the same gender? By your standard isn’t that a DATE?

Would you be ok with your husband going to the movies or dinner alone with his sister? People might mistake them for a couple and isn’t that a DATE?

I used to have a good friend in our apartment building who was male (we’ve both since moved). If my DH was going out with friends. he’d suggest it would be a good night for me to go out with my friends (pre kids). If I told him I was having dinner with the male neighbor he’d say “have fun.” But he met my childhood friend (male) early in our relationship and the two hit it off and has always known me to have male friends. He had some good female friends during college and grad school, whom I knew. There was only ever one woman I was jealous of and it wasn’t one of his good friends - it was someone on the periphery that DH thought was cute and who tended to not respect boundaries as well. Over the years as my male friends have gotten married or into relationships (or if they are already), I’ve found I really like their wives too - though I typically don’t know them as well.

I disagree with your presumption about what the accepted standard is.

If I am in an exclusive relationship, no, I am not okay with him going one on one to the movies, dinner, etc. That's called a DATE.

I don’t want to sleep with every person I meet. Most adults are able to keep it in their pants, or at least be respectful for a few hours.

I’m actually going to a concert with a male friend/coworker tomorrow night. DH doesn’t like the singer, so I can go with someone who enjoys the music or miss the performance. We’re going to get dinner before the show, so we don’t starve after work. Our spouses are fine with it. If anything, they’re grateful that no one is trying to get them to go to a concert they don’t care for. I really don’t care if anyone mistakes us for a couple instead of friends. If anyone says anything, one of us will politely correct them. It’s nbd.

I went to lunch with a dear friend who is a woman and is about 25 years older than I am. A few people thought we were mother and daughter. We said we weren’t related and were just friends. I also don’t feel guilty for cheating on my mom by having lunch with an older friend.

I used to volunteer at my kids’ school and often wound up on committees with one of my daughter’s friend’s dad. A couple of parents assumed we were married because we worked together often and communicated well with each other. Should we have stopped volunteering and cancelled the school carnival to avoid misunderstandings?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From my perspective it is only ok if you are gay. Hanging out alone with a member of the sex you are attracted to seems to create problems of commission and/or omission, so it is best to avoid those situations. You can still have and maintain those relationships, but without excluding your spouse.

Do you realize that people of the opposite sex work and interact together every day often having lunch together? I spend more of my waking hours with male colleagues than I do with my husband. Some of these guys I classify as friends. A mature adult can handle it, but maybe a Stepford wife can not.

For gods sakes, no one’s suggesting the occasional lunch or business related socializing is a huge issue. Don’t be daft.

I think the basis agreement is that your relationship with someone who's not a spouse should not detract from your relationship with your spouse, nor should be include activities that should only be done with your spouse. For most people, that means physical affection but also emotional closeness: If you are confiding more with a friend than with you spouse, that's an emotional affair.

For some people, simply spending time alone, especially eating dinner, qualifies as one of those activities. I think that's kind of nuts.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why put yourself in vulnerable situations? Human feelings are complex and confusing. Do it in groups, not as couples, unless you are dating.

PP exactly. My dh isn’t going to freak if a guy friend from my college friend circle is in town and we meet up for a drink for an hour or two. But maybe once a year at most. I would not ever make this a regular thing. No way. It would be disrespectful to both our partners

I simply disagree the both of you (and the OP) seem to think that simply going to dinner with a friend of the opposite gender constitutes "a vulnerable situation" that is automatically "complex and confusing" as well as being "disrespectful to both partners."

Dinner with a friend isn't a vulnerable situation. You are attributing more significance to gender than any other factor. Disagree.

It's not complex and confusing unless the relationship is complex and confusing. You seem to think that gender is the most important factor there. Again, disagree.

If your partner feels disrespected, by all means don't go to dinner with your opposite gender friend. If my partner felt disrespected simply because I had dinner with an opposite gender friend, that would indicate a major values incompatibility between us because I do not agree that spending time with opposite gender friends is disrespectful.

You care about gender too much. You don't have to do that. It's not required.

Anonymous wrote:I'm a woman and no man ever wanted to just hang out with me as a friend. They would suggest moving it to intimate direction. Also, I tried to "friend zone" men I dated and they all declined saying "we can't be friends after all that happened sexually".

How are all these women able to keep men strictly as friends?

I get the “friend zone” thing but I’ve made friends with guys at work or else where who never suggested moving it in an intimate direction. Maybe I give off a don’t go there vibe because I’m very happily married and they know it. Only once has a male friend ever hinted at anything and it did bother me.

Anonymous wrote:I'm a woman and no man ever wanted to just hang out with me as a friend. They would suggest moving it to intimate direction. Also, I tried to "friend zone" men I dated and they all declined saying "we can't be friends after all that happened sexually".

How are all these women able to keep men strictly as friends?

I'm a man, but I don't know what to tell you. I've had close female friends all my life, and never slept with anyone but my wife. I've had dinner, drinks, traveled, etc. strictly as friends.

I'm a woman and no man ever wanted to just hang out with me as a friend. They would suggest moving it to intimate direction. Also, I tried to "friend zone" men I dated and they all declined saying "we can't be friends after all that happened sexually".

How are all these women able to keep men strictly as friends?

Anonymous wrote:From my perspective it is only ok if you are gay. Hanging out alone with a member of the sex you are attracted to seems to create problems of commission and/or omission, so it is best to avoid those situations. You can still have and maintain those relationships, but without excluding your spouse.

Do you realize that people of the opposite sex work and interact together every day often having lunch together? I spend more of my waking hours with male colleagues than I do with my husband. Some of these guys I classify as friends. A mature adult can handle it, but maybe a Stepford wife can not.

Yes, most of them

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m was very involved in my community and I have a few guys friends from our town council, the Rotary and the school board. They are very nice guys and I’d never drop them because they are males. None of them have ever seen it as anything but a friendship. My husband knows them and it’s never been an issue for him.

Are you going to the movies, for drinks, dinners etc with them ALONE on a regular basis?

Usually just coffee or lunch. And yes, I’m ALONE with them!

Coffee or lunch is fairly tame obviously.