Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did I take the money and run?? What?!

Money rolls downhill. My grandparents paid for my parents' college education and then my parents paid for mine. I fully intend to pay for my 3 kids' colleges. They never expected anything of me, but I did say thank you. I think all any parent wants is for their kids to grow up and live a productive life. I'm not sure I felt entitled to it at the time, but currently I feel like you shouldn't bring children into the world unless you can support them.

I'm very close to my parents. I doubt they'll ever need money, but I would care for them if something arose. I don't think they could live with me though.

Money doesn’t pay for everything. My elderly, childless relative is finding that out. He is out of state and I do what I can, but often the senior and assisted living apartment people often tell him that things he is asking for and willing to pay for are not available and he need family.

I’m also of the opinion that even if parents can afford it, children should be largely the responsible for paying for college, wedding, and housing. If they are not financially able yet, they may need to wait. So many young people in the DMV are out of touch with the real world. Give them a couple thousand (if you’re able) here and there but the responsibility remains with the person who is going to college, getting married, or buying a house.

As for money rolling down hill, maybe it shouldn’t roll at all.

FWIW I paid for college, house, wedding on my own (the last two with a spouse).

I paid for those things as well, but it did not make me a better person. Now that I am a parent myself, I see all of the selfishness of my own mother who prioritized vacations, home renovations, and other crap ahead of helping us kids through college, and I am appalled.

No one asks to be born. Since we choose to bring children into this world, and the world is the way it is, it is our responsibility to help them succeed in this world as best we can. If not with college, then trade school or starting a business. Of course not every family can afford to do that, but parents who can afford it but won’t are the worst, especially because those kids are worse off than kids of poor families in terms of getting financial aid for college.

Anonymous wrote:My parents sacrificed to pay for our college educations. But that was 100% their choice (just as it’s my choice to do the same for my kids). I feel zero obligation to them for it- anymore than I feel an obligation for them feeding me until I moved out. From my POV it is part of having kids.

I’m not judging people who don’t have the money to pay for college- obviously college expenses are insane. I’m just saying that paying for as much college as you can, or trade school, or an apprenticeship is part of launching a child.

I do try to help my parents now as they are getting pretty old. But again, that’s because they are my parents not because of some transactional nonsense

This.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:… did you take care of them (could be by repaying them) or did you take the money and run? If the latter, did you feel entitled to the money they spent on your post HS education and/or house?

My parents have more money than they can spend. Not a chance they would take money from us kids. They also gift us money annually even though we are in our 40s and high income. I will do the same for my kids.

Why wouldn't you if you have the money? We do the same for our 20 something kids and will continue to do so. As long as they are working/studying/not spiraling downward why wouldn't we help? why not make their life easier and better now rather than waiting until they are 50+ and we are gone?

My dad paid for half of my college costs, the rest was covered by student loans and scholarships. My relationship is mostly estranged from him these days, and I am grateful that he contributed to my college, but sometimes feel guilt about it with where our relationship ended up. But I definitely dont feel entitlement, I consider it a privilege to have parents who have the financial means and desire to fund anything for you once you hit adulthood.

This thread is a reminder of the 2 Americas we have today..some are so wealthy and completely detached from the suffering of so many Americans.

Anonymous wrote:… did you take care of them (could be by repaying them) or did you take the money and run? If the latter, did you feel entitled to the money they spent on your post HS education and/or house?

My parents have more money than they can spend. Not a chance they would take money from us kids. They also gift us money annually even though we are in our 40s and high income. I will do the same for my kids.

My parents paid for my education and my wedding but once I was out of college I needed to support myself which was good for me. Now we have four children and my parents are very generous with 529 plans and annual gifts. If they ever need financial support I’d be there is a nano second. For much of the year they live near us and that is a real gift.

I adore my parents and they have been incredibly generous….but smartly so….and I’d step up big time if they ever needed it.

My parents paid for all 3 of our college tuitions. We have a planned lunch/brunch every month and we visit them at their home as well. I asked my parents to move in with me but they decline. My dad is currently remodeling the home we all grew up in and we are planning Thanksgiving dinner there!

Anonymous wrote:Did I take the money and run?? What?!

Money rolls downhill. My grandparents paid for my parents' college education and then my parents paid for mine. I fully intend to pay for my 3 kids' colleges. They never expected anything of me, but I did say thank you. I think all any parent wants is for their kids to grow up and live a productive life. I'm not sure I felt entitled to it at the time, but currently I feel like you shouldn't bring children into the world unless you can support them.

I'm very close to my parents. I doubt they'll ever need money, but I would care for them if something arose. I don't think they could live with me though.

+1

My parents paid for my undergraduate and graduate school. I paid for the wedding, house, etc.. Culturally, it was expected to pay them back. I paid them back on what they spent on my education by my late 30s. I do continue to provide them financial help. However, our household income is much higher than my parents so it is not a significant financial burden.

My mom gave me about $25k total towards college, a condo, and my wedding. Depending on your situation, this could be considered a lot or nothing. It helped me at the time and its not something she needed to do.

I don't know that she will ever need financial support from me, but I could see her needing to live with me or very near me. I will do what I can to take care of her. Not because she gave me this money, but because it seems like the right thing to do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents have done their best for me and my children. They also did the best they could for their own parents, ILs and other family members.

Similarly, I will do my best for my parents, grandparents, siblings, spouse, kids, grandkids.

This is how normal family behaves.

But, OP is giving me White people vibes, so it is always entertaining. I mean talk about messed up.

I agree. We have a couple of people in our family that don’t lift a finger for the older family members. Our 95 year old grandmother lives alone and needs daily check ins. She has hired help part time but most family is close by. Some family members seem to forget all she did for them while growing up.

There are three grandchildren who have serious relationships with Latinos. One is married, two long term relationships. One female, two males, all from Latin America. The difference between them and the White in-laws is night and day. Our Latino family members were taught to respect their elder relatives and take care of them. They visit grandma more than her own children.

Americans aren’t great at taking care of their elderly parents or single great aunts. The three generation families I know from my town are immigrants, usually Asian families who take care of each other.

How much do you help? I look at it as how I am treated. My mom said some cruel things about my child which was really bizarre as they are a great kid, so nope... they've never once babysat, rarely even buy a gift for the kids, etc... they live close.

Yes, it will chill the hearts of adult children when they realize that as kids there was no love in their family, their parents were abusive, their grandparents were not well looked after etc. Why would they want to be engaged with their families then? Why would they want to take care of their abusive and manipulative parents?

People are actually reaping what they sow.

It is interesting that our children started to appreciate us lot more once they went to college and their dormmates shared their trauma stories. Its then they realized that other parents do not make the kinds of sacrifices we made for their children.

These were people with higher net-worth than us, who make their kids pay for some college costs, especially when these kids are earning some money through internships or summer jobs. On the other hand our children are made to put their earnings in Roth and also invest. We are teaching them that through the power of compounding and delayed gratification - they can have a beautiful future and give a good life to their children too.

Paying for your kids college is to make them successful adults in modern global society - both socially and financially - so that these adult kids can do the same for their offsprings. AND if you cannot afford to do this for your kids then use birth control to reduce the number of kids you have, to prevent children coming in this world from meaningless and sloppy affairs and hookups, to never have any children, to prevent unwanted pregnancy - especially if you don't want abortion.

Even the birds fledge only when they are able to fly and their parents have taught them how to find food, shelter and water.

So parents paying for college is a given. Yes, if you are poor or if paying for college will prevent you from surviving once you retire - then by all means let your kids take loans but then you must help them with staying for free with you and providing free childcare.

Ignoring the needs of elders and the children in the family as a societal norm in many cultures has resulted in the breakdown in family structures and plummeting birthrates. The reality is that the modern world needs the structure of multi-generational families to take care of housing, job insecurity, economic upheavel, elder and childcare needs and at the same time provide security and hope to the young generation.

My parents sacrificed to pay for our college educations. But that was 100% their choice (just as it’s my choice to do the same for my kids). I feel zero obligation to them for it- anymore than I feel an obligation for them feeding me until I moved out. From my POV it is part of having kids.

I’m not judging people who don’t have the money to pay for college- obviously college expenses are insane. I’m just saying that paying for as much college as you can, or trade school, or an apprenticeship is part of launching a child.

I do try to help my parents now as they are getting pretty old. But again, that’s because they are my parents not because of some transactional nonsense