Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I keep seeing posts about keyboard loggers, voice activated recording, car tracking. If you don't trust your spouse why wouldn't you just divorce already? Why do you need "evidence" and how does that help you?

Try to imagine: one day you suddenly feel something is wrong. You aren't sure what. You've been married 15 years and have three children and completely intertwined finances. You ask what's going on and he's evasive or his answers don't make sense.

Would your first move honestly be to go to a divorce lawyer and file for divorce, or would your first move be to try to figure out what's happening?

My first move, if I was smart, would be to a therapist to get help with the problem I noticed: my sense that something's wrong, my anxiety about the relationship, etc. If the issue is that I no longer trust my partner, my smartest self would simply validate that and then yes, divorce.

A LOT of people waste a lot of time, energy and resources "trying to figure it out". You may never figure it out, and you probably won't ever know the whole truth until/unless your partner wants to divulge it. What you can know, definitively, is that you no longer trust your partner, and that's enough to base a decision on.

Someone upthread posted about how women don't trust themselves, their intuition, etc. This is how you heal it. You stop requiring outside proof and learn to accept your own wisdom.

Neither my therapist nor my psychiatrist believed me when I came to them with my observations about my “anxiety” feelings and my husband’s sudden change in behavior. It took a couple sessions to convince them I wasn’t paranoid/delusional/off my meds. They both asked me what sort of proof I had.

Unfortunately, much like spouses, some counselors/therapists/psych "professionals" also ain't shit. The good news is: you get to leave them, too!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Considering all the lies of the cheater, knowing the truth allows you to finally not feel crazy.

+100

Anonymous wrote:Considering all the lies of the cheater, knowing the truth allows you to finally not feel crazy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because in order to properly break up w/someone maybe people feel like they should have actual proof vs. just an intuition.

Exactly

Anonymous wrote:For me, I needed hard proof to "allow" myself to start pulling my kids' lives in two. It's a horrible decision to have to make.

I also needed to prove to myself that I wasn't crazy and did have an accurate grasp on reality when the person who was my best friend and partner for 15 years was all of a sudden gaslighting me into oblivion. It's a real mindfcxk.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leaving is hard, even in the case of severe abuse and serial infidelity. It's even harder when you're married to a gaslighter, and cheating and gaslighting go hand in hand. You find yourself questioning reality and need a lot of evidence and support to leave.

No you don't need evidence. Most women just don't to believe it's actually happening to them. It's their worst nightmare. They know it has happened to other women.

Frankly I wish women just didn't stay married to unfaithful men. If my wife cheats I am out..I am not going to waste my time and energy on therapy to understand why she cheated. There are countless men she can start her life over with. She didn't deserve a chance to explain/justify herself to the man she married. A divorce will set her free and life will be amazing for her.

You need evidence when the person cheating on you is also gaslighting you so much that you lose confidence in your judgment and discernment. You need hard evidence to know what is real. You get it for yourself. Just listen to all the women who have reported some version of this here.

Once you're that far gone, you won't believe even the most obvious "proof". You either respect yourself enough to leave or you don't.

Well, no. New poster here. If somebody has been gaslighted, they don't feel they can trust their gut any more. We - women - are taught to NOT trust our guts. To behave politely even if our gut is saying "oh, this doesn't feel right." We are taught not to make waves or be called a bittch. I've seen it here. And in some respects, that is safe - don't poke the bear and the bear won't kill you. But it also means women stay in elevators when they shouldn't. They get in cars they shouldn't. They are polite instead of rude to avoid "hurting his feelings" because you don't know what a man will do when you hurt his feelings.

Unlike a reasonable person (woman) a man won't just go have a good cry, some drinks with a friend, and maybe write in his diary. He might actually go get a gun and turn on her because she disrespected him.

And so, a woman is living with somebody who has been her trusted partner and he is saying he loves her and that he's at work, and that everything is fine - her mind has been trained to not trust her feelings as well. She's Fcked. She doesn't even know how to listen to her spidey senses.

Finding "proof" doesn't fix any of this. Therapy does.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I keep seeing posts about keyboard loggers, voice activated recording, car tracking. If you don't trust your spouse why wouldn't you just divorce already? Why do you need "evidence" and how does that help you?

Try to imagine: one day you suddenly feel something is wrong. You aren't sure what. You've been married 15 years and have three children and completely intertwined finances. You ask what's going on and he's evasive or his answers don't make sense.

Would your first move honestly be to go to a divorce lawyer and file for divorce, or would your first move be to try to figure out what's happening?

My first move, if I was smart, would be to a therapist to get help with the problem I noticed: my sense that something's wrong, my anxiety about the relationship, etc. If the issue is that I no longer trust my partner, my smartest self would simply validate that and then yes, divorce.

A LOT of people waste a lot of time, energy and resources "trying to figure it out". You may never figure it out, and you probably won't ever know the whole truth until/unless your partner wants to divulge it. What you can know, definitively, is that you no longer trust your partner, and that's enough to base a decision on.

Someone upthread posted about how women don't trust themselves, their intuition, etc. This is how you heal it. You stop requiring outside proof and learn to accept your own wisdom.

Neither my therapist nor my psychiatrist believed me when I came to them with my observations about my “anxiety” feelings and my husband’s sudden change in behavior. It took a couple sessions to convince them I wasn’t paranoid/delusional/off my meds. They both asked me what sort of proof I had.

Anonymous wrote:Because in order to properly break up w/someone maybe people feel like they should have actual proof vs. just an intuition.