Anonymous wrote:My spouse's father is in assited living in Richmond. He moved in last May. We are in Bethesda.

Every other Sunday since that time, my spouses leaves here around 9am drives to Richmond, visits their father,l often taking him to unch and drives back here, arriving home around 3 or 4.

All of the other Sunday chores -laundry, grocery shopping meal prep for the week, cleaning etc fall on me. We have two dogs, a cat, two kids ages 4 and 7 and it's dawning on me that this isn't really 'fair.' When I brought this up the response was "Because I have to visit my father". Like that obligated me to be a quasi single parent?

I've tried to move the shopping and cleaning to other nights of the week but it just doesn't stick. We both have busy schedules, long commutes, our eldest plays soccer, etc.

We've talked about hiring out the stuff we can but neither of us likes having a stranger in the house and we are both pretty picky about our produce so Insta cart is a non starter.

I guess what bothers me most is their refusal to admit that I'm the one being shafted in this arrangement.

Please give me helpful suggestions.

Okay, but just remember: you asked for this.

1) Stop being a whiner. The victimese in your post is pathetic. Fortify yourself and act like an adult with agency, because that's what you are. Nobody's "shafting" you.

2) Get off your high horse about strangers in the house and your precious produce and hire help. Be grateful you can afford this instead of nitpicking a viable solution. You're in your own way, shafting yourself on this front. Stop that.

3) Learn how to operate a family calendar, and stick to it. "it just doesn't stick" is passive. "I didn't stick to it" is more likely, and you need to be responsible for solving your problem and not waiting and whining until someone solves it for you. Get your shit together. If it doesn't fit perfectly the first time, try again until it does.

4) Stop complaining. Truly. Go 30 days without fixing your face to complain. For every time you want to whinge and whine about how "shafted" you feel, flip it. Your spouse gives a fsck about his aging parent, and you admire and respect his compassion and dedication to his family. You can afford to pay someone to do your grocery shopping and housekeeping. Your kid is healthy and able-bodied enough to play a sport. Immediately remove the idea that you're a single parent from your wee little head, because you probably wouldn't last a week, hunty. Instead, you need to get some damned gratitude for your petty little shite problem(s).

5) which is really 4(a) Fsck "fair". Life ain't fair. You've got it SO much better than so many people! Someone would be delighted to have your problems. Lots of someones, in fact. You don't actually want fair, Veruca. You just want what you want when you want it. Get over it.

Buy yourself the help you need, including a therapist if you need help wrapping your head around those suggestions, and STFU.

Anonymous wrote:That's not cool at all. I understand that adult children need to care for their elderly parents. But I doubt this spouse understands that this is reciprocal. Otherwise they'd have made an effort to help out with the chores at some other time.

I don't know what the answer is, OP, but I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

No. You do not understand anything. The adult child may not have the bandwidth and time to help with the chores and therefore you need to outsource stuff. Which you are refusing to do. What is wrong with you?

Also, get rid of your pets.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would support my husband doing this, but then he'd also support me doing something for myself on the alternate weekends. He'd also potentially take the kid(s) sometimes. And/or do some of the Sunday prep on Saturday.

+1. My husband and I have each had a parent who passed so yes we did this for each other and it took far more time than 6-7 hours every other week.

On these boards I read lots of posts about men not being caregivers. But it strikes me that some women want to stomp it out of them if it’s the least bit inconvenient to them. Personally I like being married to a man who feels responsibility to routinely check in on his aging parents with whom he has a good relationship.

+1
DH and I, routinely help my ILs and an aunt, to maintain their grooming, maintain the house and yard, have family get-togethers in their space so that they remain healthy and capable to live in their own house for as long as they can with independence, joy and dignity.

OP needs to applaud your DH for being a good son. As a spouse, she need to support him and also be a flexible thinker. If OP cannot solve some logistical problems at home (when she has the money to do so) then she must be really an incompetent person. Life is always changing. This is the season for change.

Also, I am always amazed how people are mean to their ILs and put up roadblocks in their care. How can your spouse respect you if you are such a beetch?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you're a pretty awful human being.

Oh gmafb. If they both work and one parent leaves every single Sunday and they have two kids under 8 it's too much. The choices are not "stop visiting Dad" or "OP does everything". They need to find a compromise. Do all of you make unilateral decisions in your marriage and just hoist work on your partner?

It’s 12 hours every month. Some of you must be awful spouses.

Back to elementary school math for you. It's 48 hours a month. It's basically a second job.

When I was in elementary school 9-3 was 6 hours and 6 times 2 (the number of times he is going a month) is 12. Now there will be a few months where he goes 3 times and some trips seem to be 7 hours, so it’s a range of 12 - 21 hours.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would support my husband doing this, but then he'd also support me doing something for myself on the alternate weekends. He'd also potentially take the kid(s) sometimes. And/or do some of the Sunday prep on Saturday.

+1. My husband and I have each had a parent who passed so yes we did this for each other and it took far more time than 6-7 hours every other week.

On these boards I read lots of posts about men not being caregivers. But it strikes me that some women want to stomp it out of them if it’s the least bit inconvenient to them. Personally I like being married to a man who feels responsibility to routinely check in on his aging parents with whom he has a good relationship.

Thank you! And OP whining about being a "single parent" because there are 14 hours a month when she's solely responsible for her own children is pretty insulting for those of us who are actual single parents.

This. I mean, if he suck that bad, divorce him. Then you can truly understand what not having a co-parent is actually like.

OP here.

It's my wife visiting her dad. And yes it is every Sunday. I meant it has been every other Sunday we have had since May.

I know it is the stage of life because I see it all round us with our friends. My parents died when I was young (mother at 14, father at 25) so this sin't something my wife has had to accomodate, or ever will.

Honestly, just the recognition that I'm rowing the boat for her while she deals with her dad is all I'm looking for.

Something practical you could do if he's never going to take the kids with him is Sunday afternoon becomes movie day for the kids while you clean and prep.

Anonymous wrote:My spouse's father is in assited living in Richmond. He moved in last May. We are in Bethesda.

Every other Sunday since that time, my spouses leaves here around 9am drives to Richmond, visits their father,l often taking him to unch and drives back here, arriving home around 3 or 4.

All of the other Sunday chores -laundry, grocery shopping meal prep for the week, cleaning etc fall on me. We have two dogs, a cat, two kids ages 4 and 7 and it's dawning on me that this isn't really 'fair.' When I brought this up the response was "Because I have to visit my father". Like that obligated me to be a quasi single parent?

I've tried to move the shopping and cleaning to other nights of the week but it just doesn't stick. We both have busy schedules, long commutes, our eldest plays soccer, etc.

We've talked about hiring out the stuff we can but neither of us likes having a stranger in the house and we are both pretty picky about our produce so Insta cart is a non starter.

I guess what bothers me most is their refusal to admit that I'm the one being shafted in this arrangement.

Please give me helpful suggestions.

Seems reasonable.

OP: Someday you, too, will also be old and in need of family. Your spouse is a good person doing the right thing. Would be better if spouse could take the children once a month, but is that feasible ? How much care does father-in-law require ? Can spouse handle kids & father ?

OP: Do you have relatives nearby so the kids could visit with them ?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The pickiness over Instacart and cleaners is ridiculous and y'all need to get over that. You seriously don't want him to visit his father, who may pass soon, because you don't want less-than-perfect apples?

He has to do half of the chores before he goes to see dad. If his solution is Instacart, let him do Instacart. This isn't that difficult.

Yeah this. There are solutions in front of you. Hire some stuff out.

If his father is in assisted living, he's likely not going to live too much longer. Your spouse is not going to regret any of those visits.

Agree he should absolutely take the kids sometimes and maybe most of the time.

Not necessarily. My parent is going on their 7th year in asl and went in when they were 88.

Wow! Tell us the name of the ASL, because some people deteriorate fast under the "loving" care of their children and their spouses.

Anonymous wrote:I think most of the responses are missing the point. OP didn't say they can't do this stuff. They are just miffed they are being assigned this new life without discussion with their spouse, or seeming acknowledgement from their spouse. I agree that would suck and i'd be annoyed too.

Actually she did say she can’t do this stuff. Instacart is a non-starter.

Anonymous wrote:My spouse's father is in assited living in Richmond. He moved in last May. We are in Bethesda.

Every other Sunday since that time, my spouses leaves here around 9am drives to Richmond, visits their father,l often taking him to unch and drives back here, arriving home around 3 or 4.

All of the other Sunday chores -laundry, grocery shopping meal prep for the week, cleaning etc fall on me. We have two dogs, a cat, two kids ages 4 and 7 and it's dawning on me that this isn't really 'fair.' When I brought this up the response was "Because I have to visit my father". Like that obligated me to be a quasi single parent?

I've tried to move the shopping and cleaning to other nights of the week but it just doesn't stick. We both have busy schedules, long commutes, our eldest plays soccer, etc.

We've talked about hiring out the stuff we can but neither of us likes having a stranger in the house and we are both pretty picky about our produce so Insta cart is a non starter.

I guess what bothers me most is their refusal to admit that I'm the one being shafted in this arrangement.

Please give me helpful suggestions.

I think you need to rehome your two dogs and cats. And adjust your thinking and mindset.

Yes, he needs to visit his father, and you actually have it easy that he is taking care of his dad, and it is not on you.

Get a cleaning person and adjust your expectations. Because, the way you are thinking - you are the problem. And where you are in your life, more challenges are natural to follow.

Anonymous wrote:My spouse's father is in assited living in Richmond. He moved in last May. We are in Bethesda.

Every other Sunday since that time, my spouses leaves here around 9am drives to Richmond, visits their father,l often taking him to unch and drives back here, arriving home around 3 or 4.

All of the other Sunday chores -laundry, grocery shopping meal prep for the week, cleaning etc fall on me. We have two dogs, a cat, two kids ages 4 and 7 and it's dawning on me that this isn't really 'fair.' When I brought this up the response was "Because I have to visit my father". Like that obligated me to be a quasi single parent?

I've tried to move the shopping and cleaning to other nights of the week but it just doesn't stick. We both have busy schedules, long commutes, our eldest plays soccer, etc.

We've talked about hiring out the stuff we can but neither of us likes having a stranger in the house and we are both pretty picky about our produce so Insta cart is a non starter.

I guess what bothers me most is their refusal to admit that I'm the one being shafted in this arrangement.

Please give me helpful suggestions.

Well, first I'd get out of the mindset that you are the one being shafted. You are and it's frustrating that it's not appreciated, but this is also a stage of life that all/almost all of use will go through and I am sure you would like to be able to do the same for your loved ones, or if you need care and downtime from health issues at some point.

So what to do? Solve the problem. Get groceries delivered. Simplify meals. Get cleaners. If you have cleaners ask them to wash the sheets and towels during their visit. Send more things out for dry cleaning. Assign spouse car pool duty during the week. Teach older kids to do their own laundry.

Stop waiting for the recognition and problem solve. If spouse asks why X is happening, be nice but explain that you needed to make some changes in order to be able to support his weekly trips to see his dad. I just think letting your resentment fester over this is toxic for the marriage in the long run.

I think most of the responses are missing the point. OP didn't say they can't do this stuff. They are just miffed they are being assigned this new life without discussion with their spouse, or seeming acknowledgement from their spouse. I agree that would suck and i'd be annoyed too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I lived in Bethesda and my Dad in Richmond, the trip wouldn't be 9-4. He's barely getting an hour/just the lunch with his Dad. I'd be leaving at 6 am and returning after dinner and I'm the wife/mom.

Correct. Doing a day trip with a visit and lunch from Bethesda to Richmond is a hell of alot longer than 7 hours.

Plus- I cant be the only one that took 'every other Sunday' to mean every Sunday since the FIL went into AL. I read the 'every' as an emphasis on every Sunday, not meanig they went one week, then not the next. Like it was synonomous with "All the Sundays since"

OP can come back and clarify please?

So basically you don’t want us to take OP’s post as written so you can continue to slam her DH for seeing his father? Uh, ok, You don’t sound like you have an ax to grind at all.

Anonymous wrote:If I lived in Bethesda and my Dad in Richmond, the trip wouldn't be 9-4. He's barely getting an hour/just the lunch with his Dad. I'd be leaving at 6 am and returning after dinner and I'm the wife/mom.

Correct. Doing a day trip with a visit and lunch from Bethesda to Richmond is a hell of alot longer than 7 hours.

Plus- I cant be the only one that took 'every other Sunday' to mean every Sunday since the FIL went into AL. I read the 'every' as an emphasis on every Sunday, not meanig they went one week, then not the next. Like it was synonomous with "All the Sundays since"

OP can come back and clarify please?