Anonymous
Post 09/15/2025 07:35     Subject: This is totally reasonable right?
Anonymous wrote:You sound mean to the kid. "The kid that is not mine..." who talks about stepkids like that? You tone in talking about them drips with contempt. They're a kid, for goodness sake.


He’s not my stepchild, so referring him to him on that way wouldn’t make sense. I was struggling to figure out a way to refer to him, and someone else used that phrasing.

I wish I had given both kids fake names in the OP, but given that so many people don’t read every post, I feel like doing that later doesn’t work.

I don’t feel contempt for him. I love him, but I acknowledge that I love the kid I raised from birth more, and that makes it challenging because I try to be really careful to be fair.

This is something I don’t think I would hesitate to do if it was my two bio kids. But I hear people saying it’s different.
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2025 06:19     Subject: This is totally reasonable right?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think the teen resents having to depend on a stepparent that he dislikes. This happens in my family-- my mom will have her loser boyfriend make dinner or something when we visit, and then she'll be all "Isn't he SO NICE to you? Aren't you GRATEFUL?" But I'm not grateful, because I never asked for it and I would be happier not having it and not having the pressure to perform gratitude. It's sort of a coerced transaction.

I think OP should ask her stepson very seriously if he prefers not to do one or both of these activities, and be at peace with any answer. If he would Uber without you, why can't he Uber now? Seems like a good way to avoid this issue. With teens you have to pick your battles and it sounds like OP is focused on this minor issue because she doesn't want to acknowledge the big picture problem.


He asked that morning if he could do this activity, and I offered to take him, but said I needed to coordinate the pick up. I have to assume from him asking that he wanted to go. I didn’t suggest the activity. I think it’s a good thing, I am glad he had friends to do a fun activity, but I would be 100% at peace with him not doing it. If they have it next week, he can go or not go.


You keep adding more details and changing the situation. This is fun with friends? I really thought it was tutoring. How hard is it for the friends to stay an extra hour to hang out? I don’t understand this dilemma at all now.

How old are these kids? They must be on the young side since he can’t leave the library and walk around or it’s in an isolated area and he’s too young l to take an Uber.
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2025 06:18     Subject: This is totally reasonable right?
You sound mean to the kid. "The kid that is not mine..." who talks about stepkids like that? You tone in talking about them drips with contempt. They're a kid, for goodness sake.
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2025 06:15     Subject: This is totally reasonable right?
I could see my two bio kids bickering about this. I would calmly say, "I hear ya. What would you propose as an alternative?" Hear them out. If they ask you to drive back and forth, say no and explain why. Let them lead the brainstorming for a solution. Or maybe they'll want to skip all together.
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2025 02:07     Subject: This is totally reasonable right?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why is it your responsibility to be these teens' chauffeurs to the extent that they think they can't spend an hour in the library studying?

How easy is their school that they don't have at least an hour of homework to do??

Tell them to do their homework for an hour.


No one forced the OP to have kids. Or to remarry and add kids.


that does not mean it is HER job to drive around her step kids. they still have bio parents. and she IS driving the stepkid around. There is NOTHING wrong with telling the kid to study for an hour at the library. the kid is a brat. OP is not her chauffeur.


Yes, by remarrying (or at least cohabiting) it did become her job.

And if she doesn't see that, no wonder everyone hates her.


Oh HELL no.

It is NOT the STEPMOM'S job to do MORE parenting than the bio parents.

OP, it is TOTALLY reasonable to have a teen wait at a library for an hour, bio or step.


If the kids are living with you, then you better be prepared to parent. If you don't like that, don't remarry!



This.
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2025 01:33     Subject: This is totally reasonable right?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why is it your responsibility to be these teens' chauffeurs to the extent that they think they can't spend an hour in the library studying?

How easy is their school that they don't have at least an hour of homework to do??

Tell them to do their homework for an hour.


No one forced the OP to have kids. Or to remarry and add kids.


that does not mean it is HER job to drive around her step kids. they still have bio parents. and she IS driving the stepkid around. There is NOTHING wrong with telling the kid to study for an hour at the library. the kid is a brat. OP is not her chauffeur.


Yes, by remarrying (or at least cohabiting) it did become her job.

And if she doesn't see that, no wonder everyone hates her.


Oh HELL no.

It is NOT the STEPMOM'S job to do MORE parenting than the bio parents.

OP, it is TOTALLY reasonable to have a teen wait at a library for an hour, bio or step.


If the kids are living with you, then you better be prepared to parent. If you don't like that, don't remarry!

Anonymous
Post 09/15/2025 00:38     Subject: This is totally reasonable right?
No, go get them.
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2025 00:32     Subject: This is totally reasonable right?
Anonymous wrote:I think the teen resents having to depend on a stepparent that he dislikes. This happens in my family-- my mom will have her loser boyfriend make dinner or something when we visit, and then she'll be all "Isn't he SO NICE to you? Aren't you GRATEFUL?" But I'm not grateful, because I never asked for it and I would be happier not having it and not having the pressure to perform gratitude. It's sort of a coerced transaction.

I think OP should ask her stepson very seriously if he prefers not to do one or both of these activities, and be at peace with any answer. If he would Uber without you, why can't he Uber now? Seems like a good way to avoid this issue. With teens you have to pick your battles and it sounds like OP is focused on this minor issue because she doesn't want to acknowledge the big picture problem.


Him ubering wouldn’t have solved the problem of waiting. If he had left the library at 3:00 in an uber he would have been way too early. So he still would have needed to wait.
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2025 00:29     Subject: This is totally reasonable right?
Anonymous wrote:How far away is the kid being asked to wait from your location?


From our home? About 25 minutes by car, 50 by bike, and 70 by metro. The other activity was about 20 minutes further in the opposite
direction from home, and not metro or bike accessible.
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2025 00:25     Subject: This is totally reasonable right?
Anonymous wrote:I think the teen resents having to depend on a stepparent that he dislikes. This happens in my family-- my mom will have her loser boyfriend make dinner or something when we visit, and then she'll be all "Isn't he SO NICE to you? Aren't you GRATEFUL?" But I'm not grateful, because I never asked for it and I would be happier not having it and not having the pressure to perform gratitude. It's sort of a coerced transaction.

I think OP should ask her stepson very seriously if he prefers not to do one or both of these activities, and be at peace with any answer. If he would Uber without you, why can't he Uber now? Seems like a good way to avoid this issue. With teens you have to pick your battles and it sounds like OP is focused on this minor issue because she doesn't want to acknowledge the big picture problem.


He asked that morning if he could do this activity, and I offered to take him, but said I needed to coordinate the pick up. I have to assume from him asking that he wanted to go. I didn’t suggest the activity. I think it’s a good thing, I am glad he had friends to do a fun activity, but I would be 100% at peace with him not doing it. If they have it next week, he can go or not go.
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2025 00:25     Subject: This is totally reasonable right?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Well, you're basically saying they should wait around for an hour because you've decided to marry and push a stepsibling into their household. That's what it boils down to. I don't know why you would expect a teen to be happy about that. Teens like autonomy and will perceive a stepfamily, or really any family, as a loss of autonomy for them. Not saying you were wrong to remarry but realistically you did this because it's good for you and the teens are just stuck with it.


Um, if OP was not in the picture, who would be picking up her stepkid? Why can't that person pick up the kid?


If i wasn’t in the picture today, and he had asked to go to this activity, his parent would probably have said no, because he wouldn’t have had a way to transport him. Or maybe he would have had him to take the metro there and then ubered to activity #2, which still would have involved waiting.


honestly, maybe the answer is to try to get BOTH kids to take metro and uber more rather than you being the chauffeur.

but yeah, exactly, this kid is getting driven around MORE because you married his parent. Not less.



They both metro plenty. This particular day the schedule didn’t work to metro back.


So then, it sounds like you are super secure that this is reasonable and you are right, so why even ask?
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2025 00:19     Subject: This is totally reasonable right?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Well, you're basically saying they should wait around for an hour because you've decided to marry and push a stepsibling into their household. That's what it boils down to. I don't know why you would expect a teen to be happy about that. Teens like autonomy and will perceive a stepfamily, or really any family, as a loss of autonomy for them. Not saying you were wrong to remarry but realistically you did this because it's good for you and the teens are just stuck with it.


Um, if OP was not in the picture, who would be picking up her stepkid? Why can't that person pick up the kid?


If i wasn’t in the picture today, and he had asked to go to this activity, his parent would probably have said no, because he wouldn’t have had a way to transport him. Or maybe he would have had him to take the metro there and then ubered to activity #2, which still would have involved waiting.


honestly, maybe the answer is to try to get BOTH kids to take metro and uber more rather than you being the chauffeur.

but yeah, exactly, this kid is getting driven around MORE because you married his parent. Not less.



They both metro plenty. This particular day the schedule didn’t work to metro back.
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2025 00:18     Subject: This is totally reasonable right?
How far away is the kid being asked to wait from your location?
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2025 00:13     Subject: This is totally reasonable right?
I think the teen resents having to depend on a stepparent that he dislikes. This happens in my family-- my mom will have her loser boyfriend make dinner or something when we visit, and then she'll be all "Isn't he SO NICE to you? Aren't you GRATEFUL?" But I'm not grateful, because I never asked for it and I would be happier not having it and not having the pressure to perform gratitude. It's sort of a coerced transaction.

I think OP should ask her stepson very seriously if he prefers not to do one or both of these activities, and be at peace with any answer. If he would Uber without you, why can't he Uber now? Seems like a good way to avoid this issue. With teens you have to pick your battles and it sounds like OP is focused on this minor issue because she doesn't want to acknowledge the big picture problem.
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2025 00:12     Subject: This is totally reasonable right?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Well, you're basically saying they should wait around for an hour because you've decided to marry and push a stepsibling into their household. That's what it boils down to. I don't know why you would expect a teen to be happy about that. Teens like autonomy and will perceive a stepfamily, or really any family, as a loss of autonomy for them. Not saying you were wrong to remarry but realistically you did this because it's good for you and the teens are just stuck with it.


Um, if OP was not in the picture, who would be picking up her stepkid? Why can't that person pick up the kid?


If i wasn’t in the picture today, and he had asked to go to this activity, his parent would probably have said no, because he wouldn’t have had a way to transport him. Or maybe he would have had him to take the metro there and then ubered to activity #2, which still would have involved waiting.


honestly, maybe the answer is to try to get BOTH kids to take metro and uber more rather than you being the chauffeur.

but yeah, exactly, this kid is getting driven around MORE because you married his parent. Not less.