Anonymous wrote:All of these are not exclusive to marriage or a given because of marriage alone.
To claim marriage instantly bestows these things is false.

Agree. How can you claim “legal protection” when divorce can cause financial and emotional devastation?

Anonymous wrote:It was the worst decade of my life. I don't recommened it. Literally zero benefits.

I’m sad to read.

You find what you look for.

Anonymous wrote:Raise children
At 26 years in- I can honestly say if it weren’t for kids there’s no reason to get married (friends, etc., agree)

+1

As a pp said: , no one will love, support, be proud of your kids like your co parent/partner/spouse.

Grandparents did- but they die. No body you date or has kids of their own will ever love your kids like you and your spouse do—and literally give up their life if needed- make sacrifices.

Anonymous wrote:I think it's having a partner when you go through hard times. Like someone there when you're sick and that kind of thing. I've been married over 30 years, more of my life married than not. I see the good and bad of it. I think having this other person to rely on is the most consistently positive thing over time. I also never feel lonely.

I’d say 50/60% of long marriages - one doesn’t live up to that end of the bargain “in sickness and in health”. Sane with fidelity

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of these are not exclusive to marriage or a given because of marriage alone.
To claim marriage instantly bestows these things is false.

And they also presuppose a good marriage. I’ve been married 20 years; I think there are pros and cons married or single. Probable the only benefit that actual marriage gets you is that your family unit is viewed by society as more legitimate, if that matters to you.

There are some financial things but you can do some of that outside marriage. If we own our home as a married couple, a lawsuit against only one can’t attach to the house. If only one is on title to main residence with a mortgage and dies, a spouse can continue to live there by paying the mortgage (in MD, anyway). Certain rights upon death, like spousal share of estate. Maybe one of you will be entitled to alimony upon divorce. You can take FMLA and sick leave for some jobs for a spouse but not a lover.

The bolded. + a declaration of commitment - at least at the time of marriage.

You can have kids with someone, and have that person have your back, and be a great coparent, and share house and finances, and bring you soup when you’re sick, without signing a paper.

As long as both of you are on the same page that.

And not one who sees the lack of the signed paper as a lack of commitment.

So marriage is the only thing that gets you FMLA with a cohabiting partner? That’s interesting. I am divorced and financially independent but my partner and I are only in our 40s so this is good to be aware of.

No. Fed here. I was early in my career (pre gay marriage) when it was changed so marriage was no longer needed to obtain fmla- cohabitation/long partner could get it

Raise children
At 26 years in- I can honestly say if it weren’t for kids there’s no reason to get married (friends, etc., agree)

Anonymous wrote:Having someone in your life that has your back, just as you have their’s.

Just what I was going to write as soon as I saw the subject.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Timely thread for me... Has been thinking about leaving my wife and starting a new chapter of my life. After 20+ years most of these ‘best parts’ don’t matter or apply anymore.

Just posted below. My DH probably is thinking just like you but is ahead of you on his timeline and only 12 years for us. I think it’s callous or shallow to be bored and not have the depth or imagination to see that there are different best parts coming. But my DH seems convinced that something way more exciting is around the corner and I’m in his way. Along with the kids.

I think you’ll both be disappointed but maybe you’ll prove me wrong.

Midlife crisis most likely

Just set up your finances in a way that makes it ok for you to divorce. Marriage is not a lifelong trap if you don’t want it to be. You can decide on your dealbreakers ahead of time, communicate them and move on with life. If you’re just sitting on the fence, scared of what the future holds, life will just pass you by.

My marriage provides stability, strength and love for us and most importantly for our children. And DH is my best friend, intelligent funny and kind. But if for some reason things went very very sour, I would be ok on my own. It’s definitely NOT what I want, but I am still a full independent person, whether married or not.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of these are not exclusive to marriage or a given because of marriage alone.
To claim marriage instantly bestows these things is false.

And they also presuppose a good marriage. I’ve been married 20 years; I think there are pros and cons married or single. Probable the only benefit that actual marriage gets you is that your family unit is viewed by society as more legitimate, if that matters to you.

There are some financial things but you can do some of that outside marriage. If we own our home as a married couple, a lawsuit against only one can’t attach to the house. If only one is on title to main residence with a mortgage and dies, a spouse can continue to live there by paying the mortgage (in MD, anyway). Certain rights upon death, like spousal share of estate. Maybe one of you will be entitled to alimony upon divorce. You can take FMLA and sick leave for some jobs for a spouse but not a lover.

The bolded. + a declaration of commitment - at least at the time of marriage.

You can have kids with someone, and have that person have your back, and be a great coparent, and share house and finances, and bring you soup when you’re sick, without signing a paper.

As long as both of you are on the same page that.

And not one who sees the lack of the signed paper as a lack of commitment.

So marriage is the only thing that gets you FMLA with a cohabiting partner? That’s interesting. I am divorced and financially independent but my partner and I are only in our 40s so this is good to be aware of.

Divorce

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of these are not exclusive to marriage or a given because of marriage alone.
To claim marriage instantly bestows these things is false.

And they also presuppose a good marriage. I’ve been married 20 years; I think there are pros and cons married or single. Probable the only benefit that actual marriage gets you is that your family unit is viewed by society as more legitimate, if that matters to you.

There are some financial things but you can do some of that outside marriage. If we own our home as a married couple, a lawsuit against only one can’t attach to the house. If only one is on title to main residence with a mortgage and dies, a spouse can continue to live there by paying the mortgage (in MD, anyway). Certain rights upon death, like spousal share of estate. Maybe one of you will be entitled to alimony upon divorce. You can take FMLA and sick leave for some jobs for a spouse but not a lover.

The bolded. + a declaration of commitment - at least at the time of marriage.

You can have kids with someone, and have that person have your back, and be a great coparent, and share house and finances, and bring you soup when you’re sick, without signing a paper.

As long as both of you are on the same page that.

And not one who sees the lack of the signed paper as a lack of commitment.

Anonymous wrote:Having someone in your life that has your back, just as you have their’s.

As a lesbian in a many decades long relationship, I am not sure that the legal benefits are the best part of marriage. So from the perspective of someone in a long term partnership and a shorter term marriage to the same person (with a bunch of kids), I agree that having someone who always has your back is amazing.

And there’s something to be said about not always having to make the coffee (or wash the dishes or make dinner or mow the lawn . . .). And generally taking care
Of each other.

Another bonus is that if you
Build a family, no one will love, support, be proud of your kids like your co parent/partner/spouse. And no one will appreciate what you do for your family more than your co person.

There’s so much more. But all of it depends on having a partner that loves you, treats you well, doesn’t exploit you
Or otherwise sabotage your lives and doesn’t abuse you. And on your ability to appreciate each other and do things you
Might not want to because it’s important to the other. And your ability to commit. And your ability to recognize your partners contributions

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having someone in your life that has your back, just as you have their’s.

This^. 1000%

Except many marriages are not like that. Mine was not at all.

It was the worst decade of my life. I don't recommened it. Literally zero benefits.