OP your idea of "owe" is imo weird. You apparently don't really want to hang out with that family hence feel non need to try to resolve what's going on.
Own THAT.
You don't want to see them but post about them not wanting to see you, lol.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If someone didn't want a man in my life around my kids I'd be asking some harder questions than if my SIL is rude.

+1. Something very odd here that doesn’t involve scheduling.

+2 That husband of yours made your SIL uncomfortable. Check in on that.. This is NOT a SIL issue OP.

I talked to him about the too little notice thing. That’s all I owe to him.

Anonymous wrote:If it was me I’d just have a direct conversation with the SIL and ask hey what is going on is there some kind of issue and can I do anything to help. Why wouldn’t you? No need to have a bad game of telephone. Be a grownup and communicate.

Because I’ve tried enough with zero reciprocation. I don’t force myself on other people. I’ve only met her three times. DH has met her more because he visited a few times without me when they lived across the country. She is not my friend. I don’t owe her more than that.

Anonymous wrote:You need a group family text so your poor SIL knows what's going on.

Ding! Ding! This poster is the winner. And, for the next time, I suggest you read over your DH’s texts. He should give ample notice and include that you would love to visit with the kids too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If someone didn't want a man in my life around my kids I'd be asking some harder questions than if my SIL is rude.

+1. Something very odd here that doesn’t involve scheduling.

+2 That husband of yours made your SIL uncomfortable. Check in on that.. This is NOT a SIL issue OP.

If it was me I’d just have a direct conversation with the SIL and ask hey what is going on is there some kind of issue and can I do anything to help. Why wouldn’t you? No need to have a bad game of telephone. Be a grownup and communicate.

OP here- even with the projections and insults, I do appreciate the responses. I’m going to give my BIL and his family space for the foreseeable future and not reach out or be offended. As far as DH, how he communicates with them is on him, but if he visits again in the next year, I’m going to do something else. I’m going to let them work whatever this is about out on their own.

Anonymous wrote:If someone didn't want a man in my life around my kids I'd be asking some harder questions than if my SIL is rude.

+1. Something very odd here that doesn’t involve scheduling.

OP I think this simply has to be between the brothers.

And if BIL can be honest about what SIL's deal is, you will be enlightened- though it may not result in any change if he doesn't want to fight about it with her or if he agrees with her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think BIL is embarrassed that he forgot or chose not to tell her in advance, and is trying to make her look like the bad guy and she's not going along with it.

Or maybe she doesn't like you and your DH.

Or maybe there's something seriously wrong in this family that they know about and you don't. Keep that in the back of your mind.

Could be all of the above. That’s why I just want to stop planning visits.

It doesn’t seem you are in the habit of planning anything.

You seem insane, so maybe SIL really has a problem with you.

I plan things for myself all the time but I’m not my DH’s keeper. That’s how I’ve stayed married. I’m not controlling.

This kind of thing:

"DH had a habit of calling the day before and saying “we are passing through! Want to visit for awhile?”

gives me hives. I hate this kind of plan. It's enough notice to dread it, but not enough notice to politely decline or even make a real plan.

That may be the issue OP; SIL isn't into this kind of thing. I'd assume that before assuming it's a safety issue with your husband. Also just noting that they have preschool age kids and it sounds like yours are grown? There's a little bit of a generation gap there. It may be tough for SIL to vibe with that.

The history is last minute drop bus is very rude. Especially if you expect to enter their home! Either preschoolers their house was probably a wreck. Your husband has a ton of blame here that you seem to be ignoring, OP. What's the age difference between the brothers your children are grown and theirs are in preschool?

BIL didn’t tell SIL until the last minute. Thats the simplest explanation. Nothing to be offended about.

Honestly OP, you're not a good communicator and seem to be holding a grudge against SIL specifically, when it's quite clear that BIL and his wife had a fight and he might have written things that were not entirely true.

You need to step back from the whole situation and next time you post on DCUM, lay out all the salient facts in your first post.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think BIL is embarrassed that he forgot or chose not to tell her in advance, and is trying to make her look like the bad guy and she's not going along with it.

Or maybe she doesn't like you and your DH.

Or maybe there's something seriously wrong in this family that they know about and you don't. Keep that in the back of your mind.

Could be all of the above. That’s why I just want to stop planning visits.

It doesn’t seem you are in the habit of planning anything.

You seem insane, so maybe SIL really has a problem with you.