Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can’t overthrow the AP, I mean your spouse will leave them as a condition to stay with you, but they will forever be a part of your story.

When one decides to have an AP, I am not talking ONS, but a full blown affair, you understand the consequences of getting caught. That your spouse may divorce you and you accept that because you DO NOT love your spouse in a romantic manner when you engage in an affair. Of course we all lie when caught and say it meant nothing, but think about it, would you hurt your spouse and kids, blow up your life, for something that meant nothing?

I suggest, just serving your spouse with divorce papers and not bothering with AP or the husband, because they don’t care about you or your feelings. The more energy you spend on the AP, the more importance she has in your life. Your husband is no longer in love with you, so move on to a better life.

When people say it meant nothing, what they mean is, I won’t give up everything I’ve built to be with them and not you. It means they consider the other person inconsequential because they won’t leave you for them. What matters to the cheater is how the affair makes them feel, not the other person, who they would not sacrifice anything for.

Cheaters are going into this with the understanding that they don’t want to give up the marriage, if they did they wouldn’t be cheating, they would just divorce. Betrayed spouses like to believe the person was inconsequential because otherwise you can’t really forgive the cheater. You have to buy the idea they would not sacrifice anything for the AP, but they are. The cheater is sacrificing the marriage for the AP, because one of the possible consequences of getting caught is your spouse not forgiving and filing for divorce.

Plus damaging the marriage and the spouse, even if they decide not to divorce. What a wound to inflict on someone over someone "inconsequential."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can’t overthrow the AP, I mean your spouse will leave them as a condition to stay with you, but they will forever be a part of your story.

When one decides to have an AP, I am not talking ONS, but a full blown affair, you understand the consequences of getting caught. That your spouse may divorce you and you accept that because you DO NOT love your spouse in a romantic manner when you engage in an affair. Of course we all lie when caught and say it meant nothing, but think about it, would you hurt your spouse and kids, blow up your life, for something that meant nothing?

I suggest, just serving your spouse with divorce papers and not bothering with AP or the husband, because they don’t care about you or your feelings. The more energy you spend on the AP, the more importance she has in your life. Your husband is no longer in love with you, so move on to a better life.

When people say it meant nothing, what they mean is, I won’t give up everything I’ve built to be with them and not you. It means they consider the other person inconsequential because they won’t leave you for them. What matters to the cheater is how the affair makes them feel, not the other person, who they would not sacrifice anything for.

Cheaters are going into this with the understanding that they don’t want to give up the marriage, if they did they wouldn’t be cheating, they would just divorce. Betrayed spouses like to believe the person was inconsequential because otherwise you can’t really forgive the cheater. You have to buy the idea they would not sacrifice anything for the AP, but they are. The cheater is sacrificing the marriage for the AP, because one of the possible consequences of getting caught is your spouse not forgiving and filing for divorce.

not all affairs are the same. my sister had an affair with a married man who had 2 ES children, and he got divorced. they have been married for almost 40 years now, with great children. sometimes it's nothing, sometimes it's ephemeral and sometimes it's real, actual love with lasting potential.

OP, whether you can have "AP out" really depends on the nature of their relationship. you seem to be making your plans out of anger but you need to think carefully about this. don't reveal information to your DH until you have a viable plan; information is your advantage, actually.

Anonymous wrote:Your instincts are totally normal; your lizard brain thinks this is about survival. And obviously you didn't get married to be in a love triangle, and you need the love triangle kiboshed before you know if you want to stay in your marriage. That's all OK. But that said, try to wrap your brain around the fact that your life as you know it is over. You now have a complete picture of who your husband is and I can't imagine he's what you would choose for yourself today. The odds that he can become a person who deserves you again are not great (sadly, speaking from experience here).

My friend confronted her husband by printing off divorce papers. He instantly chucked the AP. I confronted mine, and he said he chucked her, but he kept her number and was sending her smoke signals on social media. We stayed together 10 years until he cheated again. I'm not sorry I stayed -- I was doing the best I could with what I knew at the time. If I'd left him then, I would have struggled financially and health-wise. Now I am set for life. My teenaged kids see clearly what a doofus he is.

There's a lot of internalized misogyny in the way women respond to this scenario. You're in the driver's seat and you need to do whatever is best for you right now. If it's not working, you'll pivot. You are strong and you will find your way.

Lizard Brain 😆

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can’t overthrow the AP, I mean your spouse will leave them as a condition to stay with you, but they will forever be a part of your story.

When one decides to have an AP, I am not talking ONS, but a full blown affair, you understand the consequences of getting caught. That your spouse may divorce you and you accept that because you DO NOT love your spouse in a romantic manner when you engage in an affair. Of course we all lie when caught and say it meant nothing, but think about it, would you hurt your spouse and kids, blow up your life, for something that meant nothing?

I suggest, just serving your spouse with divorce papers and not bothering with AP or the husband, because they don’t care about you or your feelings. The more energy you spend on the AP, the more importance she has in your life. Your husband is no longer in love with you, so move on to a better life.

When people say it meant nothing, what they mean is, I won’t give up everything I’ve built to be with them and not you. It means they consider the other person inconsequential because they won’t leave you for them. What matters to the cheater is how the affair makes them feel, not the other person, who they would not sacrifice anything for.

If the spouse feels really good with the AP and not their DW but stay married because they don't want to "give up everything I've built" then the DW's value is merely transactional. That is really sad but okay if that's what you want.

Anonymous wrote:Girl, as someone who has BTDT with her xH, don’t even bother. Just leave. It ain’t worth it.

Remember what your parents taught you - we always give our old toys to the less fortunate.

Ha! I'm not divorced and DH doesn't have am AP, but I have to agree with this!!

You'd still end up with your spouse, who cheated on you.

Anonymous wrote:If she doesn't want to present a divorce to them on a silver platter, she can stay put, enjoy life and let them be uncomfortable. She can divorce when she feels like it but why do it now to make it convenient for them?

This.

Anonymous wrote:You can’t overthrow the AP, I mean your spouse will leave them as a condition to stay with you, but they will forever be a part of your story.

When one decides to have an AP, I am not talking ONS, but a full blown affair, you understand the consequences of getting caught. That your spouse may divorce you and you accept that because you DO NOT love your spouse in a romantic manner when you engage in an affair. Of course we all lie when caught and say it meant nothing, but think about it, would you hurt your spouse and kids, blow up your life, for something that meant nothing?

I suggest, just serving your spouse with divorce papers and not bothering with AP or the husband, because they don’t care about you or your feelings. The more energy you spend on the AP, the more importance she has in your life. Your husband is no longer in love with you, so move on to a better life.

When people say it meant nothing, what they mean is, I won’t give up everything I’ve built to be with them and not you. It means they consider the other person inconsequential because they won’t leave you for them. What matters to the cheater is how the affair makes them feel, not the other person, who they would not sacrifice anything for.

Your instincts are totally normal; your lizard brain thinks this is about survival. And obviously you didn't get married to be in a love triangle, and you need the love triangle kiboshed before you know if you want to stay in your marriage. That's all OK. But that said, try to wrap your brain around the fact that your life as you know it is over. You now have a complete picture of who your husband is and I can't imagine he's what you would choose for yourself today. The odds that he can become a person who deserves you again are not great (sadly, speaking from experience here).

My friend confronted her husband by printing off divorce papers. He instantly chucked the AP. I confronted mine, and he said he chucked her, but he kept her number and was sending her smoke signals on social media. We stayed together 10 years until he cheated again. I'm not sorry I stayed -- I was doing the best I could with what I knew at the time. If I'd left him then, I would have struggled financially and health-wise. Now I am set for life. My teenaged kids see clearly what a doofus he is.

There's a lot of internalized misogyny in the way women respond to this scenario. You're in the driver's seat and you need to do whatever is best for you right now. If it's not working, you'll pivot. You are strong and you will find your way.

OP he will find another AP and this probably isn't his first.

Anonymous wrote:You can’t overthrow the AP, I mean your spouse will leave them as a condition to stay with you, but they will forever be a part of your story.

When one decides to have an AP, I am not talking ONS, but a full blown affair, you understand the consequences of getting caught. That your spouse may divorce you and you accept that because you DO NOT love your spouse in a romantic manner when you engage in an affair. Of course we all lie when caught and say it meant nothing, but think about it, would you hurt your spouse and kids, blow up your life, for something that meant nothing?

I suggest, just serving your spouse with divorce papers and not bothering with AP or the husband, because they don’t care about you or your feelings. The more energy you spend on the AP, the more importance she has in your life. Your husband is no longer in love with you, so move on to a better life.

*1 Yep.

You can’t overthrow the AP, I mean your spouse will leave them as a condition to stay with you, but they will forever be a part of your story.

When one decides to have an AP, I am not talking ONS, but a full blown affair, you understand the consequences of getting caught. That your spouse may divorce you and you accept that because you DO NOT love your spouse in a romantic manner when you engage in an affair. Of course we all lie when caught and say it meant nothing, but think about it, would you hurt your spouse and kids, blow up your life, for something that meant nothing?

I suggest, just serving your spouse with divorce papers and not bothering with AP or the husband, because they don’t care about you or your feelings. The more energy you spend on the AP, the more importance she has in your life. Your husband is no longer in love with you, so move on to a better life.

Anonymous wrote:Spouse is in a relation at work. Have confronted couple times but has denied. AP is single while I have two kids-he is a devoted dad, and we have long history together. Have more evidence now and want to confront (final) but not without a plan of getting the AP
out. He has a huge reputation to lose FWIW..anyone successfully navigated these waters? I will decide whether I stay or leave after the AP is out

I can’t believe you are teaming up with your cheating husband to “get rid of the AP”. Do you have any self-worth? He made the decision to be with her, and blow up your life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spouse is in a relation at work. Have confronted couple times but has denied. AP is single while I have two kids-he is a devoted dad, and we have long history together. Have more evidence now and want to confront (final) but not without a plan of getting the AP
out. He has a huge reputation to lose FWIW..anyone successfully navigated these waters? I will decide whether I stay or leave after the AP is out

Unless she's his subordinate or he's in the military, no one cares if he's boning a co-worker.

If he’s high up, there is a power imbalance with nearly everyone at the company. Doesn’t have to be a direct subordinate.

Why would you threaten his job? If you stay married, you want him to work. If you don’t, you still want that for child support and alimony.

I’m not OP and not advocating this, merely clarifying who is susceptible to sexual harassment charges. We’ve all had the endless trainings. OP doesn’t need to rat him out, it could become public any time.