How old are the kids OP? I think it matters. If they are old enough I think you can have a conversation with them about how it’s ok and actually a good thing to have treats from time to time but time to time is certainly not every day. It sounds like the issue is you are faced with it every day. As someone else mentioned, it’s hard because having your kids close to the grandparents is really important and special. but it also seems like the only way they know how to connect with them is through food. I think there needs to be a conversation with your kids and/or parents.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds reasonable to me. Don’t see a problem.

.

Did you see this part at the end of OP?

"I either have to constantly be yelling at my kids not to eat my parents' food, or dh is constantly upset with the kids and I. We're around my parents a lot and they eat trash food constantly and want to "treat" the kids with trash food too. It's my fault for my parents sneaking my kids a 2nd ice cream bar or letting them drink juice and root beer."

This is a problem.

+1

OP in your recent reply you say your DH isn’t rigid or controlling. I’m not sure how to reconcile that with your original post that you are exhausted from constantly yelling at your kids to keep your DH from constantly getting upset at you and/or the kids for what they eat outside your home. It seems to me that while there are some issues in the relationship with your parents, that your H also expects to exert quite a lot of control over what foods they have or offer in their own home.

For the record, in my family we largely eat homemade meals together with my kids aged late elementary through high school. We value real food from real ingredients. We are not struggling with obesity or related health issues. We also don’t expect to control food for our kids outside our own home though.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It's interesting how divided the responses seem to be. Half the respondents think DH is reasonable and half think he's insane and we should give the kids junk food.

DH isn't actually rigid or controlling. He just doesn't buy junk food or processed food, but it's not like you have to try really hard to avoid that. Our kids aren't super interested in soda or junk food either, it's the grandparents who are really pushing it. A lot of DH's concerns stem from the health problems that my family has.

He also thinks it's important for kids to be active, but the kids think that's super fun how he goes out and throws balls, hikes, bikes, plays tag with them (they don't see it as a drill sergeant forcing pushups or making them run laps, which he doesn't do). I guess it's the same as me making sure I read to them all for 30 min a day.

Don't get me wrong, our kids have treats. Ice cream and chocolate mostly.

I think it's me with the anxiety knowing that my parents are sneaking my kids stuff behind our backs and then dh will be annoyed again. They've done it so many times, which is when dh goes berserk. Sometimes I think they do it on purpose just to piss us off. My parents won't stop. They also don't listen to us. For instance, they'll say "oh it's sugar free juice- see?" When dh and I think regular juice is better than some weird artificial sweeteners. They think we care about calories.

Sorry these two things don't go together.

Anonymous wrote:He sounds reasonable to me. Don’t see a problem.

.

Did you see this part at the end of OP?

"I either have to constantly be yelling at my kids not to eat my parents' food, or dh is constantly upset with the kids and I. We're around my parents a lot and they eat trash food constantly and want to "treat" the kids with trash food too. It's my fault for my parents sneaking my kids a 2nd ice cream bar or letting them drink juice and root beer."

This is a problem.

OP here. It's interesting how divided the responses seem to be. Half the respondents think DH is reasonable and half think he's insane and we should give the kids junk food.

DH isn't actually rigid or controlling. He just doesn't buy junk food or processed food, but it's not like you have to try really hard to avoid that. Our kids aren't super interested in soda or junk food either, it's the grandparents who are really pushing it. A lot of DH's concerns stem from the health problems that my family has.

He also thinks it's important for kids to be active, but the kids think that's super fun how he goes out and throws balls, hikes, bikes, plays tag with them (they don't see it as a drill sergeant forcing pushups or making them run laps, which he doesn't do). I guess it's the same as me making sure I read to them all for 30 min a day.

Don't get me wrong, our kids have treats. Ice cream and chocolate mostly.

I think it's me with the anxiety knowing that my parents are sneaking my kids stuff behind our backs and then dh will be annoyed again. They've done it so many times, which is when dh goes berserk. Sometimes I think they do it on purpose just to piss us off. My parents won't stop. They also don't listen to us. For instance, they'll say "oh it's sugar free juice- see?" When dh and I think regular juice is better than some weird artificial sweeteners. They think we care about calories.

Anonymous wrote:He's not wrong in the sense that homemade food is better than processed food. That said, that level of restriction/control over what the kids eat will backfire in one way or another. Either the kid will go the opposite direction and turn into a junk foodie or will lean into what, frankly, sounds like an eating disorder. The paranoia and upset around letting the kids eat anything that is not on his okay list is the red flag here.

Plus a billion. The "freaking out" is the problem.

Do all of the posters saying the DH is correct and reasonable actually have older kids? Modeling healthy eating at home definitely establishes good habits. But being rigid and forbidding certain foods or drinks tends to either create sneaky kids or kids who binge when away from home.

Balance and moderation are good. Rigidity not so much.

He sounds reasonable to me. Don’t see a problem.

Good intent but too rigid

Anonymous wrote:I think the Almond (Parent -usually mom) is a saying after some trash TV show I admit I watched in which a model mother tells her model daughter to eat an almond when she is starving herself if she gets dizzy or something

Thanks captain obvious- I think most people know what an Almond mom is. This dad is also handing out nuts to his kids when they're hungry

It’s great to eat healthfully, but it’d also great to have a little treat once in a while. I knew a family that severely limited the kinds of foods their kids could eat and those kids would come over to our house and eat our snacks like it was the last meal they would ever have.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems extreme to me. I would be worried about giving my kids a complex.

Oh goodness. I'd rather my children have a "complex" about healthy eating habits than be obese any day.

Most adults who are obese do so because, in part, they have an unhealthy relationship with food (aka a complex).

Being hyper controlling of your kids’ food so they don’t end up obese is like sending them to play in traffic so they don’t get hit by cars.

Anonymous wrote:This seems extreme to me. I would be worried about giving my kids a complex.

Oh goodness. I'd rather my children have a "complex" about healthy eating habits than be obese any day.

This seems extreme to me. I would be worried about giving my kids a complex.

To me, while I agree with your DH’s preferences and priorities on diet and nutrition, his inflexibility on it seems to be at an extreme. I do think it sounds like it is extreme to a point of being an unhealthy view/relationship with food for your kids (if DH does that for himself, maybe it is still disordered eating but so be it he is an adult and that may be his thing to deal with, not yours).

I think it would be fair to approach him about some moderation for the kids/you, moving more towards say an 80/20 rule.

That should apply with your parents too but it also sounds like there are other issues there that may need to be dealt with separately (boundary issues for example) that are manifesting because of the extreme diet stuff and may be mitigated when that is moderated but may still need addressing.