Anonymous wrote:OP here: we’re definitely a team and I obviously love him more than anything but he’s just resistant to any ideas I have to offer and just seems stuck on returning to where he was, which isn’t possible because the school won’t let him return because of his grades. I do think he needs to get a job and hopefully start at community college, which might be too late for this semester, but he can’t seem to get motivated to do anything. I think he was depressed at school and I didn’t realize it so he’s likely been in this state for a while so not sure how long it will take to get out of it and how much I should push?

How do you expect to get good advice when you keep changing your story???

He can try to get a job in town where he went to college, so he can see his friends while getting ready to go back to school (or decide not to.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: we’re definitely a team and I obviously love him more than anything but he’s just resistant to any ideas I have to offer and just seems stuck on returning to where he was, which isn’t possible because the school won’t let him return because of his grades. I do think he needs to get a job and hopefully start at community college, which might be too late for this semester, but he can’t seem to get motivated to do anything. I think he was depressed at school and I didn’t realize it so he’s likely been in this state for a while so not sure how long it will take to get out of it and how much I should push?

Most, if not all, Community Colleges have continuous enrollment.

Do not let him sit at home. That's the worst thing he can do.

Those that fail normally go their local Community College and continue their studies. He needs to register for transfer degree in the hopes that he makes up for failed classes.

Like most kids, he probably failed because he was partying too much or staying up all night long. He's an adult, treat him like one.

My nephew just failed his 1yr and will start CC and working part time.

That's exactly what we told our son... You fail 1st semester in College (15K+).... You sign up for community college next!

OP, you were VERY generous to let him attend OOS, in the first place.

Anonymous wrote:OP here: we’re definitely a team and I obviously love him more than anything but he’s just resistant to any ideas I have to offer and just seems stuck on returning to where he was, which isn’t possible because the school won’t let him return because of his grades. I do think he needs to get a job and hopefully start at community college, which might be too late for this semester, but he can’t seem to get motivated to do anything. I think he was depressed at school and I didn’t realize it so he’s likely been in this state for a while so not sure how long it will take to get out of it and how much I should push?

Most, if not all, Community Colleges have continuous enrollment.

Do not let him sit at home. That's the worst thing he can do.

Those that fail normally go their local Community College and continue their studies. He needs to register for transfer degree in the hopes that he makes up for failed classes.

Like most kids, he probably failed because he was partying too much or staying up all night long. He's an adult, treat him like one.

My nephew just failed his 1yr and will start CC and working part time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:See if he can get a waiver to join the military.

I doubt the mostly MAGA military led by an @sskissing alcoholic is the answer OP is looking for.

Don't do a military option OP. My SIL made this mistake, forced their son into the military, and now he has PTSD and an injury on top of depression and anxiety.

OP, where is his therapist in all of this? Anyone good would be working with him on achievable goals. For some people, that might be focusing on showering once a day and not killing themselves. For other people, that might be signing up for a college class and spending a couple of hours every day putting in job applications.

Ask him what his therapist has said. If they are spending all their time interpreting his dreams and talking about his childhood, he may need someone who is more CBT oriented and goal focused. Or it's possible the therapist is right on the money but your son is not liking what they are saying because they are focused on his current (bad) mental health and your son is fixated goals that are not achievable right now. Depression isn't just feeling sad. It totally affects cognition and reasoning as well. It makes perfect sense that your son is panicking as he sees his friends all leaving, but he also is not thinking clearly about his current options.

The therapist may not think it's appropriate, but you could ask your son if the therapist could meet with both of you to discuss ways you can support your son right now.

Anonymous wrote:OP here: we’re definitely a team and I obviously love him more than anything but he’s just resistant to any ideas I have to offer and just seems stuck on returning to where he was, which isn’t possible because the school won’t let him return because of his grades. I do think he needs to get a job and hopefully start at community college, which might be too late for this semester, but he can’t seem to get motivated to do anything. I think he was depressed at school and I didn’t realize it so he’s likely been in this state for a while so not sure how long it will take to get out of it and how much I should push?

Can you come up with ~3 choices of things that you think could be potential paths forward for him between now and the new year and tell him you need to see him either pursuing one of them or presenting his own plan to you as a condition for continuing financial support (or whatever consequence is under your control that would motivate him)? It still leaves the decision to him but might break through the paralysis by giving him options rather than endless decisions that feel overwhelming. Could be something like: Option 1 - Work full time. Start applying for jobs within the next week at (give him some choices) or the place of his choice. Option 2 - a couple community college classes + work. Option 3 - focus on mental/physical health, including abc.

He needs to let you know his choice by set date, at which point he maps out (or leans on you heavily to map out) what that path is going to look like. At this point i wouldn't focus on what he is going to do for the next 5 years and instead focus on the path for the next few months that can start to break him out of where he is stuck.

Anonymous wrote:See if he can get a waiver to join the military.

I doubt the mostly MAGA military led by an @sskissing alcoholic is the answer OP is looking for.

Help him either register for community college or start applying for jobs.

It's not going to work for him to return to a large university;when I worked at one, I found that kids who flunked out usually experienced such a difficult loss of self esteem that they could not really succeed.

It would be best if he set his sites on someplace in state or in the local area and try to restart from scratch.

See if he can get a waiver to join the military.

He needs to gain confidence. I suggest having him lift to literally get stronger and then weigh his next step, which is likely performing well at a community college if he is to continue his education.

But he must absolutely stop his feminine pursuit of therapy. He also needs to stop medication, which simply mask the underlying problems--they don't fix anything.

Anonymous wrote:OP here: we’re definitely a team and I obviously love him more than anything but he’s just resistant to any ideas I have to offer and just seems stuck on returning to where he was, which isn’t possible because the school won’t let him return because of his grades. I do think he needs to get a job and hopefully start at community college, which might be too late for this semester, but he can’t seem to get motivated to do anything. I think he was depressed at school and I didn’t realize it so he’s likely been in this state for a while so not sure how long it will take to get out of it and how much I should push?

Where is dad? Can he talk to his son as well?

As a parent, you need to understand that many kids have mental breakdown in college. I cannot emphasize what a great support it is for many students to be close to home in a state college. I know that kids and parents are often shamed here if parents are lending their support to the college students. I have always been sensitive to my kids mental health. For the longest time, my college kids were home every weekend. We were absolutely ok with them vegging out at home and taking it easy. If that was the support they wanted, we were ready to give them the support. It made life easier for them and then they could concentrate on their studies.

You have to understand that there is a very strong co-relation between kids mental health and their academic performance. If they are a bit depressed but able to keep up with their studies, they can often recover on their own. They get a boost from their academic performance. So, keep an eye on their grades.

Stop coddling him. He will never grow up and be a man if you let him live like this.

If you can help him build an exercise routine, that can be huge for mental health, outside is ideal. Start with a 5 minute walk together every day to make it seem not intimidating.

Help him break everything down into baby steps. Like spend 5 minutes together looking to see if he can still register for cc classes for this semester.

Any kind of activity is better for mental health than moping. But with depression you have trouble getting yourself to do stuff, so anything you as his parent can do to jump start it is a huge help.

Remind him he doesn't need to figure everything out for the rest of his life.