Anonymous wrote:Not how it works, OP.

Hope you don’t end up supporting him. Many of my child-free friends have had to pay alimony to the man-children they divorced.

He backed her, why shouldn't she support him now that she's blowing up their steady situation? If the genders were reversed, you would think it was fair.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should hope he doesn’t get half of your 401k

Why shouldn't he?

NP- because he wasn't putting money in??

DH and I both work for the same employer. I put the max in yearly 23,500 and he puts about 15k in yearly. My 401k is thus a lot bigger than his. Why should dh get half of mine when he had the same opportunity to fund his own?

Because that’s what the law says. You shouldn’t be maxing out if you think this is unfair.

I [b]think there are probably ways to argue that it is not 50-50 - like if one partner chose not to contribute to the 401k and spent all the money on themselves. But presumably the money not going into his 401k is going into joint expenses and joint assets.

That’s not going to work.

Sure it can. It’s equitable division in most states; which does not mean 50-50. That said I don’t think OP would be wise to go that route.

Not how it works, OP.

Hope you don’t end up supporting him. Many of my child-free friends have had to pay alimony to the man-children they divorced.

You are definitely not going to get alimony and you might have to pay him alimony. I would lean on him hard to get a better job. You'll owe him half of your 401k from the past 11 years.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should hope he doesn’t get half of your 401k

Why shouldn't he?

NP- because he wasn't putting money in??

DH and I both work for the same employer. I put the max in yearly 23,500 and he puts about 15k in yearly. My 401k is thus a lot bigger than his. Why should dh get half of mine when he had the same opportunity to fund his own?

Because that’s what the law says. You shouldn’t be maxing out if you think this is unfair.

I [b]think there are probably ways to argue that it is not 50-50 - like if one partner chose not to contribute to the 401k and spent all the money on themselves. But presumably the money not going into his 401k is going into joint expenses and joint assets.

That’s not going to work.

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Anonymous wrote:Listen to your lawyers and get a therapist. Divorce actually is not the venue for you to get any emotional satisfaction from your relationship including revenge or compensation. You get what the law provides no more no less.

Best advice I’ve ever seen on DCUM.

I agree. Divorce lawyers aren’t good therapists, but a lot of them will listen to you talk and charge you as much per hour as a top notch private pay therapist.

Are you kidding? Much more than a therapist!

No, because you're not going to get more out of your divorce by explaining ad nauseam and listening to them validate you, for $500/hr, than if you just gave them the bald facts and paid them 10 times less.

Yeah but PP's point was that you can get danged good therapy for about $225/hr (sometimes much less!), but a decent lawyer is, as you mentioned, about $500/hr.

So I can see my therapist 2 hours and really work through stuff, or see a lawyer 1 hour and...once they have the facts of the case there's not much else they can do for me.

Anonymous wrote:Be glad he’s not asking for half of your retirement.

This. Walking away without splitting that is your "get" here. RUN!

Anonymous wrote:Be glad he’s not asking for half of your retirement.

He should. Why wouldn't he be entitled to it? He may be entitled to alimony, too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Listen to your lawyers and get a therapist. Divorce actually is not the venue for you to get any emotional satisfaction from your relationship including revenge or compensation. You get what the law provides no more no less.

Best advice I’ve ever seen on DCUM.

I agree. Divorce lawyers aren’t good therapists, but a lot of them will listen to you talk and charge you as much per hour as a top notch private pay therapist.

Are you kidding? Much more than a therapist!

No, because you're not going to get more out of your divorce by explaining ad nauseam and listening to them validate you, for $500/hr, than if you just gave them the bald facts and paid them 10 times less.

Anonymous wrote:This has to be fake. He has nothing, you have nothing. Yet you want him to pay? You have supported him for 11 years and allowed it to go on that long. You should be the one paying him.

^ This

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should hope he doesn’t get half of your 401k

Why shouldn't he?

NP- because he wasn't putting money in??

DH and I both work for the same employer. I put the max in yearly 23,500 and he puts about 15k in yearly. My 401k is thus a lot bigger than his. Why should dh get half of mine when he had the same opportunity to fund his own?

Because that’s what the law says. You shouldn’t be maxing out if you think this is unfair.

I think there are probably ways to argue that it is not 50-50 - like if one partner chose not to contribute to the 401k and spent all the money on themselves. But presumably the money not going into his 401k is going into joint expenses and joint assets.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Listen to your lawyers and get a therapist. Divorce actually is not the venue for you to get any emotional satisfaction from your relationship including revenge or compensation. You get what the law provides no more no less.

Best advice I’ve ever seen on DCUM.

I agree. Divorce lawyers aren’t good therapists, but a lot of them will listen to you talk and charge you as much per hour as a top notch private pay therapist.

Are you kidding? Much more than a therapist!

You can have a wonderful life after divorce if you let go of the past, pain, and resentment. Please see a therapist to help you get to a good place. I promise that you will be okay at the minimum and it’s up to you to be great or even amazing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should hope he doesn’t get half of your 401k

Why shouldn't he?

NP- because he wasn't putting money in??

DH and I both work for the same employer. I put the max in yearly 23,500 and he puts about 15k in yearly. My 401k is thus a lot bigger than his. Why should dh get half of mine when he had the same opportunity to fund his own?

Because you’re MARRIED. That’s why. What you make and what you save is joint. It doesn’t matter under whose name the money is kept.

Are you saying that you didn’t help your husband spend the money he didn’t put into his 401k?

You don’t want to share retirement accounts? Don’t get married.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should hope he doesn’t get half of your 401k

Why shouldn't he?

NP- because he wasn't putting money in??

DH and I both work for the same employer. I put the max in yearly 23,500 and he puts about 15k in yearly. My 401k is thus a lot bigger than his. Why should dh get half of mine when he had the same opportunity to fund his own?

Joint asset dumba$$.