Anonymous wrote:I have to say that this woman is me. I have driven my husband crazy with spending and it is hard to express why. In a way it is my way of taking care of the family and also I do have adhd so I it is hard to change behavior. Pretty much impossible. I can do well for
Months but then I wind up running up another few thousand on credit cards just be breathing.
I have to say a few things helped.
1) my husband fully taking charge of the finances — in a Non judgmental way. Really i hate being treated like a child and he doesn’t want to but seriously, i own this fault of
Mine. It is like a disability annd I suck at it and have read the books and gone to therapy and done the work - I can’t manage it and need him to take that over. I suck at it.

2) I need him to keep the bank balance and credit limit low so it rejects me if I spend. This was hard for him to do but seriously I need it.

3) he needs to keep some money separate where I can’t access it. If I see it I will spend it.

4) anti anxiety meds to help me feel less panicky. When I feel like I need to buys something it is a panicky feeling that makes
Me do it. Like “my kid needs this camp. She will fail at life if I don’t sign her up” or “we have to stock up at Costco, what if the apocalypse hits” or whatever.


Reading this makes me seem like a six year old but there you have it. It is a constant struggle.

NP but as someone who is good at making and keeping to a budget, I really appreciate your honesty. Even though I can't relate, I understand where you're coming from and commend you for knowing you need guardrails on this!

I have to say that this woman is me. I have driven my husband crazy with spending and it is hard to express why. In a way it is my way of taking care of the family and also I do have adhd so I it is hard to change behavior. Pretty much impossible. I can do well for
Months but then I wind up running up another few thousand on credit cards just be breathing.
I have to say a few things helped.
1) my husband fully taking charge of the finances — in a Non judgmental way. Really i hate being treated like a child and he doesn’t want to but seriously, i own this fault of
Mine. It is like a disability annd I suck at it and have read the books and gone to therapy and done the work - I can’t manage it and need him to take that over. I suck at it.

2) I need him to keep the bank balance and credit limit low so it rejects me if I spend. This was hard for him to do but seriously I need it.

3) he needs to keep some money separate where I can’t access it. If I see it I will spend it.

4) anti anxiety meds to help me feel less panicky. When I feel like I need to buys something it is a panicky feeling that makes
Me do it. Like “my kid needs this camp. She will fail at life if I don’t sign her up” or “we have to stock up at Costco, what if the apocalypse hits” or whatever.


Reading this makes me seem like a six year old but there you have it. It is a constant struggle.

We had a situation like this, except it was DH who took the pay cut and couldn't come to terms with the reduced spending. He was deeply relieved when I (the SAHM) took over all the finances, bill paying, etc. and put everyone on a budget.

We work through equality by me keeping him informed of the bills, upcoming expenses, etc. and overall financial figures. I keep everything including tax liabilities in a spreadsheet that he can look at any time he wants.

We agreed to a "retirement" amount that will work for us so we can both see how close we are.

Some of this is emotional and avoidance- I know from experience that it's depressing to go from more money to less. It's hard to get onboard with reality and reduced expectations. For this reason, I think you need to talk with your DW and if that doesn't work, I agree that she needs a strict budget-- if she can't adhere to that, then you have a marital problem.

I’d read her the riot act. You make all the money and she spends it. You need a come to Jesus discussion about financial reality. You have the data so lay it out and be firm. Yes, this will upset her but that’s life.

Anonymous wrote:We used to make about $375K a year. Had kids. Wife stayed home and lost her like $60K income. She never went back. Kids are 18 and 16. My work slowed and took a pay cut. We are now at about $210K a year. When things were good, I maxed out everything. Our home is paid off and worth about $900K. We have about 2.5M in investments(retirement and investment accounts). I'm 53. She's 49. My wife has NOT realized or acted like our HHI went for $375 to $210K. We over spend every.single.month but she just wants to take it out of our savings/investments. Although we have about $3.5M in total assets, we spend more than we bring in every single month. She thinks its fine. I'm like...we are not selling stock to pay for monthly expenses! How do I change her attitude? This is crazy. I know we have some assets but if we are to retire in a few years, she needs to cut the crap! Luckily the stock market has been doing well and making up for her spending but now that the marker is crazy...I'm very nervous. Any thoughts?

Can she get a job? Your kids are almost done with HS. Why can’t she get at least a PT job? Maybe if she works she’ll value the money you all have more and appreciate retirement.

OP, you need to get a budgeting app (I also like Monarch), lock the entire family’s credit (including the kids’), and get her back to work. If that doesn’t fix the spending, go to couples counseling.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once again, this is why having a budget (shoutout YNAB!) is so useful at any income level. Too often people hear budget and think it doesn't matter if you make enough money but hot damn is it nice to know your numbers and spending history so you can sit down as a couple and talk rationally about income, expenses, goals, etc.

Exactly. When we went from two incomes to one, we started saving far more because we got a serious budget and we both started monitoring it closely. When it's a group project and you've agreed on your goals and saving / giving priorities it's easier to point out when something is off.

Yep! And even if saving more isn't your goal, just having the data saves you all those stupid arguments with "well you spent $400 on that Target run a couple weeks ago!" or "how much did golf plus drinks cost you this month?". It's just:here's our goal, here are the numbers, let's work together to figure out what to do next.

Anonymous wrote:Once again, this is why having a budget (shoutout YNAB!) is so useful at any income level. Too often people hear budget and think it doesn't matter if you make enough money but hot damn is it nice to know your numbers and spending history so you can sit down as a couple and talk rationally about income, expenses, goals, etc.

Exactly. When we went from two incomes to one, we started saving far more because we got a serious budget and we both started monitoring it closely. When it's a group project and you've agreed on your goals and saving / giving priorities it's easier to point out when something is off.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cut off her access to funds other than a checking account with minimal personal spending money. Freeze any credit account that you are looking for able for and monitor her credit, tell her if she wants to spend more she needs to get a job. If that doesn't work, divorce to stop the bleeding.

Sorry but this is ridiculous. He is not going to treat his wife like a wayward child after decades of living like a lady of the manor. He needs to spell out that circumstances have drastically changed and have some figures to prove it. Unless she wants to spend her old age in a senior apartment eating out of dented cans, here's the changes that need to be made.

She's acting like a wayward child and needs to be treated accordingly. Cut off the funds, or she'll ruin OP's retirement, too.

Once again, this is why having a budget (shoutout YNAB!) is so useful at any income level. Too often people hear budget and think it doesn't matter if you make enough money but hot damn is it nice to know your numbers and spending history so you can sit down as a couple and talk rationally about income, expenses, goals, etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cut off her access to funds other than a checking account with minimal personal spending money. Freeze any credit account that you are looking for able for and monitor her credit, tell her if she wants to spend more she needs to get a job. If that doesn't work, divorce to stop the bleeding.

Sorry but this is ridiculous. He is not going to treat his wife like a wayward child after decades of living like a lady of the manor. He needs to spell out that circumstances have drastically changed and have some figures to prove it. Unless she wants to spend her old age in a senior apartment eating out of dented cans, here's the changes that need to be made.

well the choices are she starts acting like a grown adult and not spend money they don't have, she gets a job to fund her spending or she is treated like the kid she's acting like and not given access to money unless it has a purpose

Shopping addiction

Why did you marry a dumb woman? Start there .

Anonymous wrote:Cut off her access to funds other than a checking account with minimal personal spending money. Freeze any credit account that you are looking for able for and monitor her credit, tell her if she wants to spend more she needs to get a job. If that doesn't work, divorce to stop the bleeding.

Sorry but this is ridiculous. He is not going to treat his wife like a wayward child after decades of living like a lady of the manor. He needs to spell out that circumstances have drastically changed and have some figures to prove it. Unless she wants to spend her old age in a senior apartment eating out of dented cans, here's the changes that need to be made.

She should get a part-time job, doing anything. She needs to focus on something (agree that she's probably bored) and pay for some if the things she buys.

But you need to have a discussion about it all. She may be waiting for you to rein her in; she probably knows she's going too far but will deny it. You need to say no and give her limits and maybe give her a set amount to spend each month as she likes. The discussion won't be easy and be kind and insist. I would talk about how you are a team, working together, etc. It will impact your future because she might stay this way even when she's retired.