Anonymous
Post 06/10/2025 19:44     Subject: Do you know any high functioning alcoholics who mostly hide it?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:PP and another thing as an ACOA. If you tell me that your parent is/was an alcoholic AND I see you drunk more often than sober or at the very least host happy hours, tailgates, go barhopping, wine tasting and have boozy “girls weekends,” then I am judging you accordingly and will stop interacting with you.

Similarly, I have and will extricate from any friend group where drinking is the main focus, activity and commonality. I’ve left PTA Board work, a neighborhood book club, even a youth sports clique with pre-gaming or tailgating or post-game celebrations.


Thanks- I’m PP quoted and was told to start my own thread. I show say that to sum up, the above behaviors are representative of highly functioning, closeted alcoholics - all are ways to get hammered in the name of socially acceptable “celebrating.”
Fellow ACOA and I agree 100%. I do not drink, nor do I spend time around drinkers. I turn down many invitations because I hate explaining why I don't drink. I also have cptsd from growing up with an alcoholic parent, No matter how much therapy I have, the smell of alcohol triggers me and I panic.
Anonymous
Post 06/10/2025 19:10     Subject: Do you know any high functioning alcoholics who mostly hide it?
Last time XH’s sister and husband visited, he said BIL drank about 8-9 beers per day. Granted it was vacation, and he didn’t witness any poor behavior. To us that seemed alarming though.
Anonymous
Post 06/10/2025 19:01     Subject: Do you know any high functioning alcoholics who mostly hide it?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:No. They think they hide it but they don’t. If you grew up with an alcoholic, you always see the signs.


Yet here are many stories of people whose husbands, parents and friends had no idea until it was too late….

Sorry you had an alcoholic parent but your experience is not universal. Many can and do hide it.

and those people will now be able to spot it in others. It is a hard learned lesson one never forgets once the learn it.


I had 11 beers last night and not a single coworker even knows I drink.


It’s fascinating you think you know what every single one of them are thinking. Would I ever call out a coworker for what I assume is probably closeted heavy drinking? Of course not. Can I tell? Yes. You give off so many more small tells than you think you do. People who did not grow up around alcohol abuse won’t notice them so you might be duping them, which is how people sometimes manage to hide it from spouses. But you’re not hiding it from someone who knows all the signs and all the ways that alcoholics behave to try and cover up and front like they’re not drinking all the time or thinking about drinking all the time. We just don’t say anything to you about it.

I agree. I am sober and live with a sober person. There are many tells. Some people see them and some don't. I had a colleague who was surprised when I said I thought someone we worked with was an alcoholic. It seemed super obvious to me but it was not to my colleague. But I did so many of the things this person did, including hiding it from people. It becomes like a sixth sense that you have about others. However, I'm sure there are people who have fooled me. People hide stuff all the time, not just drinking. I knew someone who went into rages at home. It was hard for outsiders to believe it because they only showed that side to family members. I bet, though, that people who were abused by a similar person could sense it. You recognize something and sometimes it's just an intuition.


You gossiped against a coworker and spread rumors that you cannot substantiate and also have no business discussing with a colleague.
Anonymous
Post 06/10/2025 18:35     Subject: Do you know any high functioning alcoholics who mostly hide it?
Anonymous wrote:Just reading that thread on Diane schuler, the drunk mom in the minivan who drove the wrong way on the Taconic. Everyone insisted she was not an obvious alcoholic. Do you think this is possible? I have a friend who is an alcoholic and it’s very obvious and he talks about his dependence and struggles. But I have another friend who I suspect is alcoholic. She’s a super perfectionist so I don’t think she’d ever admit it.[/

No
No
No
Anonymous
Post 06/10/2025 18:14     Subject: Do you know any high functioning alcoholics who mostly hide it?
Anonymous wrote:One of the assistant principals at my child's FCPS elementary school is one.


We had an ES school counselor who was one. But it wasn’t well hidden and she was eventually fired. She acted weird and people could smell it on her.
Anonymous
Post 06/10/2025 18:04     Subject: Re:Do you know any high functioning alcoholics who mostly hide it?
My sister and brother-in-law. She is in her late 60s, and he is early 70s. They recently became semi-estranged from their two sons(my nephews, one of whom is a recovering alcoholic) due to their drinking.. I’ve never confronted them directly, and since they live two hours away, I don’t see them that often, which suits me just fine.
Anonymous
Post 06/10/2025 16:10     Subject: Do you know any high functioning alcoholics who mostly hide it?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:No. They think they hide it but they don’t. If you grew up with an alcoholic, you always see the signs.


Yet here are many stories of people whose husbands, parents and friends had no idea until it was too late….

Sorry you had an alcoholic parent but your experience is not universal. Many can and do hide it.

and those people will now be able to spot it in others. It is a hard learned lesson one never forgets once the learn it.


I had 11 beers last night and not a single coworker even knows I drink.


It’s fascinating you think you know what every single one of them are thinking. Would I ever call out a coworker for what I assume is probably closeted heavy drinking? Of course not. Can I tell? Yes. You give off so many more small tells than you think you do. People who did not grow up around alcohol abuse won’t notice them so you might be duping them, which is how people sometimes manage to hide it from spouses. But you’re not hiding it from someone who knows all the signs and all the ways that alcoholics behave to try and cover up and front like they’re not drinking all the time or thinking about drinking all the time. We just don’t say anything to you about it.

I agree. I am sober and live with a sober person. There are many tells. Some people see them and some don't. I had a colleague who was surprised when I said I thought someone we worked with was an alcoholic. It seemed super obvious to me but it was not to my colleague. But I did so many of the things this person did, including hiding it from people. It becomes like a sixth sense that you have about others. However, I'm sure there are people who have fooled me. People hide stuff all the time, not just drinking. I knew someone who went into rages at home. It was hard for outsiders to believe it because they only showed that side to family members. I bet, though, that people who were abused by a similar person could sense it. You recognize something and sometimes it's just an intuition.
Anonymous
Post 06/10/2025 15:37     Subject: Do you know any high functioning alcoholics who mostly hide it?
Anonymous wrote:If you’ve ever known anyone well who has substance abuse issues, it’s easy to spot.

Really anyone over the age of 40 who drinks regularly has some sort of issue.

Alcohol is a poison. When I see anyone over the age of 35/40 drink a few drinks I assume they deal with a lack of sleep, weight gain, sexual performance issues, fights with their spouse and other nonsense.

Functioning alcoholic just means they are white and graduated college.



I've known a few, and actually they don't deal with any of the issues you list. That's why the label is 'functioning' alcoholic, they somehow manage to avoid the dysfunction ... until they don't. And that time always comes.
Anonymous
Post 06/10/2025 15:06     Subject: Do you know any high functioning alcoholics who mostly hide it?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My DH is an alcoholic and no one but me knows. He drinks about a quart of gin every couple of days. He doesn't drive drunk. He doesn't appear drunk. I feel his mood change at night as the night goes on.


That's like two drinks a night. Maybe you find drinking in general problematic but I wouldn't call that alcoholism.


DP. That's why "alcoholism" isn't what the professionals call it any more. They talk about "alcohol use disorder" for your messed up chemically dependent alcoholics. It's "alcohol misuse" for someone like PP's DH who could probably quit without medical intervention but is still causing relationship issues (PP mentions the mood change) with alcohol.


Well we are discussing functioning alcoholics in this one. Not daily drinkers who really don't have a problem, other than a spouse who feels any amount of drinking is bad. Also, pp mentioned a mood change, but never said it caused problems.
Anonymous
Post 06/10/2025 14:11     Subject: Do you know any high functioning alcoholics who mostly hide it?
One of the assistant principals at my child's FCPS elementary school is one.
Anonymous
Post 06/10/2025 14:07     Subject: Do you know any high functioning alcoholics who mostly hide it?
Anonymous wrote:PP and another thing as an ACOA. If you tell me that your parent is/was an alcoholic AND I see you drunk more often than sober or at the very least host happy hours, tailgates, go barhopping, wine tasting and have boozy “girls weekends,” then I am judging you accordingly and will stop interacting with you.

Similarly, I have and will extricate from any friend group where drinking is the main focus, activity and commonality. I’ve left PTA Board work, a neighborhood book club, even a youth sports clique with pre-gaming or tailgating or post-game celebrations.

Fellow ACOA and I agree 100%. I do not drink, nor do I spend time around drinkers. I turn down many invitations because I hate explaining why I don't drink. I also have cptsd from growing up with an alcoholic parent, No matter how much therapy I have, the smell of alcohol triggers me and I panic.
Anonymous
Post 06/10/2025 13:59     Subject: Do you know any high functioning alcoholics who mostly hide it?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My DH is an alcoholic and no one but me knows. He drinks about a quart of gin every couple of days. He doesn't drive drunk. He doesn't appear drunk. I feel his mood change at night as the night goes on.


That's like two drinks a night. Maybe you find drinking in general problematic but I wouldn't call that alcoholism.


DP. That's why "alcoholism" isn't what the professionals call it any more. They talk about "alcohol use disorder" for your messed up chemically dependent alcoholics. It's "alcohol misuse" for someone like PP's DH who could probably quit without medical intervention but is still causing relationship issues (PP mentions the mood change) with alcohol.
Anonymous
Post 06/10/2025 13:53     Subject: Do you know any high functioning alcoholics who mostly hide it?
Anonymous wrote:My DH is an alcoholic and no one but me knows. He drinks about a quart of gin every couple of days. He doesn't drive drunk. He doesn't appear drunk. I feel his mood change at night as the night goes on.


That's like two drinks a night. Maybe you find drinking in general problematic but I wouldn't call that alcoholism.
Anonymous
Post 06/10/2025 13:52     Subject: Do you know any high functioning alcoholics who mostly hide it?
Anonymous wrote:Just reading that thread on Diane schuler, the drunk mom in the minivan who drove the wrong way on the Taconic. Everyone insisted she was not an obvious alcoholic. Do you think this is possible? I have a friend who is an alcoholic and it’s very obvious and he talks about his dependence and struggles. But I have another friend who I suspect is alcoholic. She’s a super perfectionist so I don’t think she’d ever admit it.


Of course. Neighbor who is a Judge. Our wives are friends, and she confided that he is an alcoholic. Another friend was a Lieutenant Colonel in the Air Force. He had hid it so far, but was terrified of being found out, and couldn't be going to AA while he was in. He is sober now, he retired to deal with the demon. Good on him.
Anonymous
Post 06/10/2025 13:47     Subject: Do you know any high functioning alcoholics who mostly hide it?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:PP and another thing as an ACOA. If you tell me that your parent is/was an alcoholic AND I see you drunk more often than sober or at the very least host happy hours, tailgates, go barhopping, wine tasting and have boozy “girls weekends,” then I am judging you accordingly and will stop interacting with you.

Similarly, I have and will extricate from any friend group where drinking is the main focus, activity and commonality. I’ve left PTA Board work, a neighborhood book club, even a youth sports clique with pre-gaming or tailgating or post-game celebrations.


Good for you for having boundaries but that has nothing to do with the OP's question. Maybe start your own thread?


Right! This sounds like some childhood trauma that needs worked out in therapy. If someone hosting a wine tasting or a tailgate is enough to get you to drop someone as a friend, that says a lot about you.