Anonymous
Post 06/14/2025 22:28     Subject: Re:Does this happen in your family?
The kid was crying because he knows you will eventually come in to prove he can control you.

Your husband is trying to break the family of this dynamic and you are interfering.

It plays in your martyr, savior complex so you keep doing it.

Stop doing it.
Anonymous
Post 06/14/2025 22:24     Subject: Does this happen in your family?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We have been working through similar issues and you are wrong. It undermines him as a parent.


I know that’s how DH feels but I’m having a hard time understanding why this undermines him as a parent.

I did not ask in front of the kid. Kid was not upset in response to a consequence. He was just super tired at the end of a long day and lost it (which is not developmentally inappropriate for a kindergartener). Nothing I did contradicted anything DH said or did with the kids. He said good night to the crying child, and I went in, spent a little more time with him so he calmed down, and he went to sleep.

DH basically told me, I want you to let our kid cry by himself in bed, which seems unfair.


It undermines him as a parent because you're clearly showing him that you are going to override his parenting decisions whenever you feel like it. He feels undermined in his relationship with you. It doesn't matter if the kid heard or knows. It's undermining between him and you.

You didn't even discuss it with him, you just ignored what he said and overrode him.


+1. It's not about undermining him to the kid, it's about undermining him as a parent in relation to you. You're showing that you're not willing to let him make the decisions.


Men are inept so why should they be making decisions about things they don’t understand?
Anonymous
Post 06/14/2025 22:05     Subject: Does this happen in your family?
Anonymous wrote:Why did you bother asking? Ignore his response and then not understand his frustration? Sounds controlling to me.


+1
Anonymous
Post 06/04/2025 07:26     Subject: Does this happen in your family?
Your husband sounds awful. How do all these women on this board have such awful taste in men, choose to marry them, and then have kids? I'm baffled.
Anonymous
Post 06/04/2025 07:12     Subject: Does this happen in your family?
Anonymous wrote:Guarantee this marriage ends in divorce.


Def headed in that direction. Kids screaming down the house at bedtime can't be their only issue.
Anonymous
Post 06/04/2025 07:04     Subject: Does this happen in your family?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You should go help a child who needs co-regulation - period. No need to ask for permission to do so. It's the right thing to do, so you do it.


What does co-regulation mean! And why does the need for it imply that it's ok to undermine the other parent?

I'm one of the posters who sided with the dad but I can imagine situations where mom would have to show her disagreement.

If dad was screaming at or hitting the kid, many people here on team dad probably would switch to team mom.


+1. There are times you'd intervene, but this is total normal parenting variation. I'd lean towards dad's choice but I wouldn't care if my spouse went the other way.
Anonymous
Post 06/04/2025 07:03     Subject: Does this happen in your family?
Anonymous wrote:You should go help a child who needs co-regulation - period. No need to ask for permission to do so. It's the right thing to do, so you do it.


What does co-regulation mean! And why does the need for it imply that it's ok to undermine the other parent?

I'm one of the posters who sided with the dad but I can imagine situations where mom would have to show her disagreement.

If dad was screaming at or hitting the kid, many people here on team dad probably would switch to team mom.
Anonymous
Post 06/04/2025 06:51     Subject: Does this happen in your family?
You think you're the better parent.

You asked. He told you no and you still undermined him.

Unclench.
Anonymous
Post 06/04/2025 05:45     Subject: Does this happen in your family?
A child crying when overtired is perfectly normal. If your DH was yelling at him to stop crying, that would have been different. Your DH was handling bedtime, but you felt the need to butt in. Team husband. Your micromanaging will lead to him to stop help assisting
No with bedtime. That will be your next post.
Anonymous
Post 06/04/2025 05:32     Subject: Does this happen in your family?
I’m on team mom. Kindergarten is way too old to let a kid a cry it out. It’s not a baby. You as parents let him become “overtired” as you say, and now you don’t get to just wash your hands of it and say good luck sleeping even though you’re extremely upset. Deal with it, help you child.
Anonymous
Post 06/04/2025 04:27     Subject: Re:Does this happen in your family?
I do not understand why when your husband told you not to come in you did anyway.

Actually as a Mother myself - I DO understand. I guess what I am trying articulate here is why did you have to even ask??

But anyway it is a lot to expect you to not go in + comfort your son.
Your husband should not have told you not to come in though he probably had things handled the way he saw fit and viewed your coming in as slightly disruptive.
Anonymous
Post 06/04/2025 03:51     Subject: Does this happen in your family?
Anonymous wrote:I don’t think this was really about the child. This was about giving the middle finger to your DH and making sure he knows you control what happens.

He had comforted the child and was still present in the room.

The fact you texted and pretended to ask just as a way to say you aren’t doing things right and you didn’t care about his answer and then went in to make your point is just all about control.


This is how I would feel if I were your co-parent. We’re getting a snippet of the event and all from OP’s perspective so it’s hard to know all of what went on. But what is clear is that this did not involve anything close to abuse. It was a difference in parenting styles. So OP was definitely wrong.

I would also feel like OP’s actions were for the purpose of making herself the favorite.

If OP ever feels compelled to complain that her husband doesn,t do his share of the parenting work, she has no one to blame but herself.
Anonymous
Post 06/04/2025 03:40     Subject: Does this happen in your family?
I don’t think this was really about the child. This was about giving the middle finger to your DH and making sure he knows you control what happens.

He had comforted the child and was still present in the room.

The fact you texted and pretended to ask just as a way to say you aren’t doing things right and you didn’t care about his answer and then went in to make your point is just all about control.
Anonymous
Post 06/04/2025 02:31     Subject: Does this happen in your family?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Because he decided that not giving the kid attention was the strategy he wanted to use. It is a legitimate approach. It is not unfair to the kid. Your child needs to learn to calm down and sometimes withdrawing attention, rather than rewarding the behavior with attention, is the way to accomplish that. That was his strategy and you ruined it. That is undermining. You're not allowing him to make and implement parenting choices.

It was really rude of you to ask your DH and then ignore his response. What you did expressed disdain for him. I do not understand why you asked the question if you were going to go in anyway.

You seem like a pushover parent.


I can see that perspective. I’m not sure I agree with it, but thanks for explaining it that way. It gives me something to think about.

I agree that I shouldn’t have asked and then ignored his answer. I’m not quite convinced that I shouldn’t have just gone in instead of asking.

To my credit, I didn’t go in when DS was crying that he wanted me and DH responded that I couldn’t come then, which was a parenting choice that I disagreed with in that moment. I went in when DH was fed up and walked away.

FWIW, DS usually prefers to be left alone when he’s upset, he calms down on his own and then may ask for a hug or may just go about his day. This bedtime meltdown was unusual in itself, and it was also unusual that DS was looking for comfort instead of pushing DH away. Now that I typed that, I see these are all reasons that I’m justifying interfering. Okay, I agree that I interfered.

So the next question is - how do you not interfere when you really disagree with what your partner is doing???


If you’re so controlling that you can’t stop yourself from interfering on a basic routine like bedtime, then you need to entirely remove yourself from the area. Leave the house or take a shower, but don’t hover and essentially manage/critique the process.
Anonymous
Post 06/04/2025 01:15     Subject: Does this happen in your family?
Anonymous wrote:I only read the OP but my take is that you shouldn’t have bothered asking if you could go in when you were just going to do it anyway, and that you seem to think that is normal for a 6 year old to have a meltdown at bedtime just because they’re overtired when it really isn’t.


It's common for overtired kids to have meltdowns, period. It's also common for overtired adults to have meltdowns. We're all human, and exhaustion makes things that are normally easy to deal with significantly more difficult.