NP and currently dealing with this scenario except we’re older and new empty nesters.

I’ve had a recent (minor) health diagnosis concurrent with earlier menopause and so revamped my diet and exercise and nutrition
going on five years now. DH nearly opposite-eating/sleeping/drinking and lack of activity and exercise. Refuses to ever go running/hiking or even walking with me.

“Trains” (huge flurry of activity) ahead of golfing or skiing rather than continual exercise.
Used to play an intramural sport but now says -you guessed it-has to “get back in shape” or train ahead of re joining the team.

DH has 55+ pounds to lose. Snores like a freight train. I’ve kicked him out of our room months ago. Sent him to doctor for sleep apnea diagnosis/physical. Blood tests came back fine and nothing mentioned about his weight and vague suggestion to get a sleep study.

I’ve said nothing. No comments. He might be close to making some changes as he’s taken to counseling and coaching our athletic DC (he’s a former college athlete) and can’t fully participate physically.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:30 lbs on a tall man is nothing. Woman here and I am surprised that this is affecting your attraction to him.

I’m the one who has gained a lot over the course of our marriage and been in a constant battle against the scale for a variety of reasons, including medical. I’m so thankful my DH never said anything to me because I know when I am overweight. I feel bad and embarrassed about how I look when I am. I don’t need anyone to say it out loud to me.

Op here. He's tall but he's always been on the chubby side so 30 makes a difference at least to me. Anyway thanks for all the advice I'm leaning towards the not saying anything directly but maybe suggest we go for a walk on our lunch break to start.

Why don’t you lean towards focusing on all of his many good qualities (and complimenting him on those things frequently) rather than fixating on the aspects of him that you find imperfect?

Forgot that! He's not good enough for you, and you know that deep down. You don't find him attractive, and why should you? Get rid of the dead weight (pun intended), and you'll be happier. Look for better.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:30 lbs on a tall man is nothing. Woman here and I am surprised that this is affecting your attraction to him.

I’m the one who has gained a lot over the course of our marriage and been in a constant battle against the scale for a variety of reasons, including medical. I’m so thankful my DH never said anything to me because I know when I am overweight. I feel bad and embarrassed about how I look when I am. I don’t need anyone to say it out loud to me.

Op here. He's tall but he's always been on the chubby side so 30 makes a difference at least to me. Anyway thanks for all the advice I'm leaning towards the not saying anything directly but maybe suggest we go for a walk on our lunch break to start.

Why don’t you lean towards focusing on all of his many good qualities (and complimenting him on those things frequently) rather than fixating on the aspects of him that you find imperfect?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect that men and women would receive this comment differently as a PP said. I, a woman, never did recover from xH’s years-long commentary on my PPD/ self-soothing weight gain. His approach was unvarnished bluntness, like he might’ve used (?) with a guy at work (you’ve gotten fat and you’re not as attractive as you were when we met 14 years ago)

Caveat - while a male might tolerate blunt negative statements better than a woman, and they might take action because men, doesn’t mean their feelings won’t be hurt. It’s really stupid to suggest that men don’t feel hurt. Especially OP’s guy who is obviously a sensitive dude.

I really can't relate to this level of sensitivity. It's just weight, people! I've gained weight. My husband tells me. He loves me. He doesn't say it to hurt me. What he says doesn't make me feel bad in the least. Right now he's the one trying to lose weight, because he gained a bit this year, and he expects me to make comments as to whether his diet is working or not. Shouldn't a husband and wife have that kind of honesty with each other?

What IS it with women on DCUM and how they process weight and figure talk?!?!?! I don't get it.

This doesn’t make sense. If you know you are overweight, why does your spouse need to say anything? Just lose the weight already and fix whatever issues caused it in the first place.

This is not true at all. At the end of the day, the amount of calories you take in and the type of claories (junk vs high quality proteins/carbs/fats) determine your size. Lifting weights adds muscle tone and makes you look healthy.

This works for everyone. Hormonal factors can complicate things but if you eat less and eat right - you still lose weight.

This is something the GLP-1 craze has kind of enforced - take away the cravings and allow people with problematic eating to make good choices and all of a sudeen the weight starts coming off.

Right, but this is pretty common sense. Why did that PP need to have her husband tell her to lose weight? She must have known. People can't be that clueless about weight loss methods.

Walks and all of that are great but it is not going to change until they eat less and better.

Anonymous wrote:30 lbs on a tall man is nothing. Woman here and I am surprised that this is affecting your attraction to him.

I’m the one who has gained a lot over the course of our marriage and been in a constant battle against the scale for a variety of reasons, including medical. I’m so thankful my DH never said anything to me because I know when I am overweight. I feel bad and embarrassed about how I look when I am. I don’t need anyone to say it out loud to me.

Op here. He's tall but he's always been on the chubby side so 30 makes a difference at least to me. Anyway thanks for all the advice I'm leaning towards the not saying anything directly but maybe suggest we go for a walk on our lunch break to start.

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t matter how uncomfortable the topic is, it needs to be brought up.

Depression/ weight gain only get worse. It’s not fair to anyone — my ex was exactly this. Didn’t believe in talking to therapists, etc… I pleaded with her… went and interviewed/ met with 3. It spiraled worse, and worse.

A bit like alcoholism, you think the alcoholic has it bad. The loved ones have it worse.

Note that this PP saying it NEEDS to be brought up (because apparently depressed spouse is unaware of weight gain for some reason in PP’s head) subsequently got divorced.

Last sentence reflects an incredibly selfish POV and indicates this person should never have been married.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect that men and women would receive this comment differently as a PP said. I, a woman, never did recover from xH’s years-long commentary on my PPD/ self-soothing weight gain. His approach was unvarnished bluntness, like he might’ve used (?) with a guy at work (you’ve gotten fat and you’re not as attractive as you were when we met 14 years ago)

Caveat - while a male might tolerate blunt negative statements better than a woman, and they might take action because men, doesn’t mean their feelings won’t be hurt. It’s really stupid to suggest that men don’t feel hurt. Especially OP’s guy who is obviously a sensitive dude.

I really can't relate to this level of sensitivity. It's just weight, people! I've gained weight. My husband tells me. He loves me. He doesn't say it to hurt me. What he says doesn't make me feel bad in the least. Right now he's the one trying to lose weight, because he gained a bit this year, and he expects me to make comments as to whether his diet is working or not. Shouldn't a husband and wife have that kind of honesty with each other?

What IS it with women on DCUM and how they process weight and figure talk?!?!?! I don't get it.

This doesn’t make sense. If you know you are overweight, why does your spouse need to say anything? Just lose the weight already and fix whatever issues caused it in the first place.

This is not true at all. At the end of the day, the amount of calories you take in and the type of claories (junk vs high quality proteins/carbs/fats) determine your size. Lifting weights adds muscle tone and makes you look healthy.

This works for everyone. Hormonal factors can complicate things but if you eat less and eat right - you still lose weight.

This is something the GLP-1 craze has kind of enforced - take away the cravings and allow people with problematic eating to make good choices and all of a sudeen the weight starts coming off.

I waited until doctor brought it up. When DH mentioned it, I said, how do you feel about that? And he said he wanted to lose weight then I said do you want help?
He lost 40 lbs after that conversation, largely by eating a much healthier diet and exercising together daily.

Anonymous wrote:You don't. My husband and I have both lost and gained during our 25 year relationship. I'm so thankful he has never said anything to me. I mean, I knew when I was overweight. I don't say anything to him either. I think it adds more stress and isn't helpful.

+1. People know they are overweight. Harassing them about it just creates resentment and hurt. I see this in my stepmother who has harrassed my father about his weight and played food cop for 25 years. It is very depressing to watch.

It's better to do a healthy lifestyle for as much as you can control. If your husband sees you eating vegetables or low fat meats, less dessert, etc. he might follow along. Do not continue to buy and cook the foods that have contributed to the weight gain.

No, I don’t think this is something that can be discussed in most marriages. Perhaps yes if there is a specific medical diagnosis that accompanies it—like the doctor diagnosed DH with pre-diabetes or something—because then you can tie it to the doctor’s advice and specific health metrics, not just a general “you’ve gained weight, I’m worried, etc.” Most people who gain weight realize it and probably feel shame and sensitivity about it.

My DH gained about 25 lbs over the years and it was really affecting his self-esteem. He’s super sensitive so I felt I couldn’t say anything outright, but I would suggest a family bike ride, or I’d mention how I’m trying to eat more vegetables, I’d talk about a Peloton class I did, whatever. I don’t know what clicked or changed but finally, after years, he is taking steps to lose weight. He never said anything to me but I noticed him looking slimmer and complimented him. He finally mentioned how he had adjusted his eating.

I think it’s a bit like everything else—you can’t force someone to change or take care of themselves. They have to reach that point themselves.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect that men and women would receive this comment differently as a PP said. I, a woman, never did recover from xH’s years-long commentary on my PPD/ self-soothing weight gain. His approach was unvarnished bluntness, like he might’ve used (?) with a guy at work (you’ve gotten fat and you’re not as attractive as you were when we met 14 years ago)

Caveat - while a male might tolerate blunt negative statements better than a woman, and they might take action because men, doesn’t mean their feelings won’t be hurt. It’s really stupid to suggest that men don’t feel hurt. Especially OP’s guy who is obviously a sensitive dude.

I really can't relate to this level of sensitivity. It's just weight, people! I've gained weight. My husband tells me. He loves me. He doesn't say it to hurt me. What he says doesn't make me feel bad in the least. Right now he's the one trying to lose weight, because he gained a bit this year, and he expects me to make comments as to whether his diet is working or not. Shouldn't a husband and wife have that kind of honesty with each other?

What IS it with women on DCUM and how they process weight and figure talk?!?!?! I don't get it.

So you gained weight but didn’t know this until your husband told you? We all find this difficult to believe.

No, of course not. You knew you gained weight. You didn’t require a loved one to announce this. So what WAS the motivation of the spouse in announcing this if not informational?

Stated aloud or not, spouse is telling other spouse that they are now less attractive. How that’s not hurtful to hear to the receiver, I don’t know. I mean I know there ARE a small subset of adults without feelings. They have clinical diagnoses.

Fixed my PP

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect that men and women would receive this comment differently as a PP said. I, a woman, never did recover from xH’s years-long commentary on my PPD/ self-soothing weight gain. His approach was unvarnished bluntness, like he might’ve used (?) with a guy at work (you’ve gotten fat and you’re not as attractive as you were when we met 14 years ago)

Caveat - while a male might tolerate blunt negative statements better than a woman, and they might take action because men, doesn’t mean their feelings won’t be hurt. It’s really stupid to suggest that men don’t feel hurt. Especially OP’s guy who is obviously a sensitive dude.

I really can't relate to this level of sensitivity. It's just weight, people! I've gained weight. My husband tells me. He loves me. He doesn't say it to hurt me. What he says doesn't make me feel bad in the least. Right now he's the one trying to lose weight, because he gained a bit this year, and he expects me to make comments as to whether his diet is working or not. Shouldn't a husband and wife have that kind of honesty with each other?

What IS it with women on DCUM and how they process weight and figure talk?!?!?! I don't get it.

So you gained weight but didn’t know this until your husband told you? We all find this difficult to believe.

No, of course not. You knew you gained weight. You didn’t require a loved one to announce this. So what WAS the motivation of the spouse in announcing this if not informational?

Stated aloud or not, spouse is telling other spouse that they are became attractive. How that’s not hurtful to hear to the receiver, I don’t know. I mean I know there ARE a small subset of adults without feelings. They have clinical diagnoses.

30 lbs on a tall man is nothing. Woman here and I am surprised that this is affecting your attraction to him.

I’m the one who has gained a lot over the course of our marriage and been in a constant battle against the scale for a variety of reasons, including medical. I’m so thankful my DH never said anything to me because I know when I am overweight. I feel bad and embarrassed about how I look when I am. I don’t need anyone to say it out loud to me.

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately (in my humble opinion) you cannot.

However you can encourage health(ier!) eating by cooking more nutritious + balanced meals in the home.
You can also opt to stock your kitchen w/more fruits & vegetables instead of chips, cookies, etc.

You can also invite him to join you in physical activities that are enjoyable.
Perhaps a bike ride around your neighborhood after dinner before it gets dark…..even a nightly stroll 🚶‍♀️ would be an excellent idea.

By suggesting activities that are healthier for him (as well as for yourself) is a great push in the right direction!

Hope you find this helpful.

+1
All of this right here