Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To those of you jumping on op - she kind of buried the lede that he may have a side piece. Sounds like HE is taking the lazy way out to be with his AP - instigates a fight and then says he wants a divorce, putting the blame on OP so he doesn't have to do the hard work of admitting he wants to leave the marriage to be with his twin flame.

Yes we're only hearing one side of it but if she literally just had this fight with the dh it's understandable that she's licking her wounds. Give OP some grace.

You are misreading. She does not think AP. Thinks there is a potential out there not a current AP. This is likely made up in the head of OP.

Champion gaslighting there. Intent is nearly as bad as action. She says his actions towards her show he is totally checked out. Who are you to argue otherwise? He literally told her he wants a divorce.

You deserve so much better, OP. No one should treat their partner like an annoyance.

That said, you live in reality, where you have to make tough choices . . . your spouse magically turning into a healthy and caring partner is probably not on offer. Still, it wouldn't hurt to push for counseling, just to see if there's potential that we can't really assess from a few paragraphs. Your willingness to go to counseling should show you whether this is a cry for help (pay attention to me, love me) or an attempt to end the marriage without looking like the bad guy (especially if he likes someone else).

What I wouldn't do is maintain the status quo. Nor would I offer him an open marriage. I'm 8 months into a surprise separation/divorce and my kids are doing OK. It's not what I would have chosen for them, but in hindsight I can see that staying just for them would have been a mistake. I need to show them how to value myself and walk away from people who don't value me.

I know it's a lot to process. If you're not in individual therapy, I would seek that out immediately. And also reach out to a couple of friends or family members. I don't know why, but I suspect you might be keeping your daily reality from those closest to you; you need their support and eyes right now.

Anonymous wrote:This is something a lot of couples go through. They stop nurturing their relationship and it suffers. They stop having sex. But with a good counselor and kindness and prioritizing the marriage it can recover.

My husband and I have had way worse fights than what OP wrote.

That isn’t what this sounds like though. This sounds like OP’s husband is always criticizing her for falling short of perfection and doesn’t care about her emotional needs. Sounds like they are fundamentally incompatible.

Plus he’s already interested in another woman? Yuck. She’s better off without him.

OP i think you should continue to lean in at work and enjoy your divorce.

Anonymous wrote:To those of you jumping on op - she kind of buried the lede that he may have a side piece. Sounds like HE is taking the lazy way out to be with his AP - instigates a fight and then says he wants a divorce, putting the blame on OP so he doesn't have to do the hard work of admitting he wants to leave the marriage to be with his twin flame.

Yes we're only hearing one side of it but if she literally just had this fight with the dh it's understandable that she's licking her wounds. Give OP some grace.

You are misreading. She does not think AP. Thinks there is a potential out there not a current AP. This is likely made up in the head of OP.

We know your point of view. Put yourself in his shoes and tell us his point of view. What is that he needs? How much of it you can give? What you need? How much of it he can give? Where is the point where its possible for both of you to meet to start operation rehabilitation?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:16 years married, just got into a huge shouting match. He ended it with "Let’s end it then!" I said, then go ahead! He is not one to just say things, even in the heat of the moment. I’m so burned out from work I’m emotionally numb. My life is falling apart and I can’t even feel anything as it’s happening. Maybe this is for the best? I’m not happy the way things are. He doesn’t appreciate me and I will never be perfect, which is what he wants. Based on what he said during the fight, he feels I don’t prioritize him or appreciate him either. The children will be devastated. He’ll never be able to stop neglecting me emotionally. It’s always been that way. I have a feeling he is interested in another woman (divorced), and she’s likely interested in him. Well, I’ll not stand in his way. Go find your happiness and leave me to figure out my own situation.

I just find it stupid that both of you feel other person is dropping the rope so might as well you too should drop it and call it a day. Why did you marry each other, have kids, build a life? Just to throw it away when things get hard? Just to compete and criticize and hold contempt? What if he and divorced lady are indeed coming close? Why would you throw the towel in and let them ruin lives of your children? Drag your asses to a good therapist and find tools to fix your crumbling world. Try to figure out when and why you two stopped to love, respect and communicate and start again.

Even if I wanted to initiate therapy, I don’t know how I would bring up the topic. It all just feels so messy. Like I can’t make any of it work. Why would he even listen to me? He is not interested in making it work. He is convinced I am not worth it, I’m sure of it.

Stop playing victim. You've agency. Use your words to really talk to him to save your family. Get someone wise involved, be it clergy, parent, sibling or happily married friend couple.

Anonymous wrote:16 years married, just got into a huge shouting match. He ended it with "Let’s end it then!" I said, then go ahead! He is not one to just say things, even in the heat of the moment. I’m so burned out from work I’m emotionally numb. My life is falling apart and I can’t even feel anything as it’s happening. Maybe this is for the best? I’m not happy the way things are. He doesn’t appreciate me and I will never be perfect, which is what he wants. Based on what he said during the fight, he feels I don’t prioritize him or appreciate him either. The children will be devastated. He’ll never be able to stop neglecting me emotionally. It’s always been that way. I have a feeling he is interested in another woman (divorced), and she’s likely interested in him. Well, I’ll not stand in his way. Go find your happiness and leave me to figure out my own situation.

Take some time off, take care of your mental health, focus on your home, husband and kids. Restart your family life as a more relaxed, kind and fun environment. Everyone would benefit. Most divorces are more expensive than a weekly cleaner or a meal service or a vacation or a therapist or a makeover.

Anonymous wrote:I am tired of hearing, “ I am staying for the kids,” statement. Do you imagine they don’t see the disfunction in your house?

No but they also don't know the disfunction of a broken home or dealing with the aftermath etc. Divorce isn't the happily ever after people try to make it.

^ and life does get a whole lot better after the pit of midlife when you have parties committing to their own therapy and change.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am tired of hearing, “ I am staying for the kids,” statement. Do you imagine they don’t see the disfunction in your house?

No, not always. Smart parents know how to mask it. My parents divorced after we went to college. We were all shocked. I thought they were the perfect couple. I later learned that they were having many problems for years.

+100

At the lowest of the low, when an affair was discovered- my kids were at the dinner table with us 12 and 14 and were talking about a friend whose parents were divorcing and they said matter of factly “you guys will never get divorced - you guys are too happy.” I could be awarded an Academy Award for getting through that time without exploding in front of my kids or acting differently. They have zero clue.

Anonymous wrote:16 years married, just got into a huge shouting match. He ended it with "Let’s end it then!" I said, then go ahead! He is not one to just say things, even in the heat of the moment. I’m so burned out from work I’m emotionally numb. My life is falling apart and I can’t even feel anything as it’s happening. Maybe this is for the best? I’m not happy the way things are. He doesn’t appreciate me and I will never be perfect, which is what he wants. Based on what he said during the fight, he feels I don’t prioritize him or appreciate him either. The children will be devastated. He’ll never be able to stop neglecting me emotionally. It’s always been that way. I have a feeling he is interested in another woman (divorced), and she’s likely interested in him. Well, I’ll not stand in his way. Go find your happiness and leave me to figure out my own situation.

OP I’m not sure why no one else has picked up on this, but this sounds like textbook depression. The numbness, the exhaustion, the desire to just give up, none of this is what you would say if you were in a healthy place, good marriage or not.

You need to see a counselor or therapist like yesterday and take meds if that’s what you need to get out of this funk.

Given this, I’m not sure about your narrative of events: is your husband interested in a local divorcee? Why do you think this? In the marriage over or is the fog in your mind making everything, including a pretty normal sounding rough patch, look grey?

I think you need professional help first and foremost, even before marriage counseling or seeing a divorce lawyer. You owe it to yourself and your kids. And maybe you are right about DH and maybe he is in an affair and maybe the marriage is over, but you need to stop drowning first.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:16 years married, just got into a huge shouting match. He ended it with "Let’s end it then!" I said, then go ahead! He is not one to just say things, even in the heat of the moment. I’m so burned out from work I’m emotionally numb. My life is falling apart and I can’t even feel anything as it’s happening. Maybe this is for the best? I’m not happy the way things are. He doesn’t appreciate me and I will never be perfect, which is what he wants. Based on what he said during the fight, he feels I don’t prioritize him or appreciate him either. The children will be devastated. He’ll never be able to stop neglecting me emotionally. It’s always been that way. I have a feeling he is interested in another woman (divorced), and she’s likely interested in him. Well, I’ll not stand in his way. Go find your happiness and leave me to figure out my own situation.

I just find it stupid that both of you feel other person is dropping the rope so might as well you too should drop it and call it a day. Why did you marry each other, have kids, build a life? Just to throw it away when things get hard? Just to compete and criticize and hold contempt? What if he and divorced lady are indeed coming close? Why would you throw the towel in and let them ruin lives of your children? Drag your asses to a good therapist and find tools to fix your crumbling world. Try to figure out when and why you two stopped to love, respect and communicate and start again.

Honestly one of the best posts I've ever read on this board.

Yep. Too many people give up , have affairs, divorce the minute life gets unpleasant at the bottom of the well-documented happiness U.

They weren’t taught marriage has phases, working it out, riding out and protecting it at all costs for their kids and future selves.

Anonymous wrote:

he feels I don’t prioritize him or appreciate him either

People only say this when they hurt a lot. He would not be hurt if he didn't love you. He wants the relationship.

Nah, I was fed this line when my ex started banging someone else. Lots of crocodile tears about all the terrible things I did and didn't do in the marriage. I said "God gave you a mouth. You could have used it instead of sticking your d$ck somewhere else before addressing your concerns." OP don't be gaslit. If your dh refuses to have an open and honest conversation with you that's on him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:16 years married, just got into a huge shouting match. He ended it with "Let’s end it then!" I said, then go ahead! He is not one to just say things, even in the heat of the moment. I’m so burned out from work I’m emotionally numb. My life is falling apart and I can’t even feel anything as it’s happening. Maybe this is for the best? I’m not happy the way things are. He doesn’t appreciate me and I will never be perfect, which is what he wants. Based on what he said during the fight, he feels I don’t prioritize him or appreciate him either. The children will be devastated. He’ll never be able to stop neglecting me emotionally. It’s always been that way. I have a feeling he is interested in another woman (divorced), and she’s likely interested in him. Well, I’ll not stand in his way. Go find your happiness and leave me to figure out my own situation.

I just find it stupid that both of you feel other person is dropping the rope so might as well you too should drop it and call it a day. Why did you marry each other, have kids, build a life? Just to throw it away when things get hard? Just to compete and criticize and hold contempt? What if he and divorced lady are indeed coming close? Why would you throw the towel in and let them ruin lives of your children? Drag your asses to a good therapist and find tools to fix your crumbling world. Try to figure out when and why you two stopped to love, respect and communicate and start again.

Honestly one of the best posts I've ever read on this board.

+1 Marriage is not a throwaway