Anonymous wrote:Yeah although I have a hard time labeling any of my kids as easy or hard because some things have been easy and other things have been hard. I suspect that’s pretty normal.

This.

I have one of each. I thought I was a great parent and was probably a bit smug about it. Then the second came along. Every day is a struggle.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Easy" is the wrong word. "Compatible" is the right word. Your kid might not be a fit for your lifestyle choices.

Here would be an example of someone who takes a negative view of people with "difficult" children.

Lifestyle choices, GTFO. In our case, a lot of my son's difficulties were at school. I guess we could have home schooled him, so in that sense he was not a good fit for our lifestyle choice to send him to school?

Also think how privileged you have to be in order to think that certain things are "lifestyle choices." Like... working. Or living in a small home without a yard. Or having to send your kid to local public schools that might not be the best fit for that specific kid. For 99% of the population, these are not choices, it's just the reality of being alive. But you get privileged idiots on here who are like "oh well if you had just chosen to be rich, become a SAHM, send your kids to private Montessori, and live in a 1.2m suburban house with a huge yard, then your kid would be a lot easier.

No $hit Sherlock. Money makes a lot of things easier.

Anonymous wrote:Yes of course. But most parents of easy kids never realize this and take credit for what is mostly luck.

+1

Also, I know some families with really involved and committed grandparents who are taking on some of the parenting load, but then the parents will (1) give no credit to these grandparents for the real work they are doing, (2) complain about minor generational disagreements or about their involved IL who is providing them with not only free childcare but actual love, care, and guidance of their kids, and (3) criticize the parenting of people who don't have this amazing resource.

This drives me nuts. My own parents have physical and mental health issues that make them grandparents we occasionally visit but who cannot really be involved or focused on my kids at all. My FIL died at a sadly young age and my MIL has her hands full with an adult son who is not self-sufficient. When I encounter the kind of grandparent who is like picking kids up from school or making sure the kids eat veggies or taking the time to teach grandkids how to sew or play the piano or just choosing to spend some of their copious free time with grandkids because they like them? I'm so envious. People who take that for granted or even COMPLAIN about grandparents like this are insane to me.

Anonymous wrote:"Easy" is the wrong word. "Compatible" is the right word. Your kid might not be a fit for your lifestyle choices.

Here would be an example of someone who takes a negative view of people with "difficult" children.

Lifestyle choices, GTFO. In our case, a lot of my son's difficulties were at school. I guess we could have home schooled him, so in that sense he was not a good fit for our lifestyle choice to send him to school?

I have a hard kid but I work really hard and as a result she looks like an easy kid to others. I always get comments about how chill and well behaved she is in public spaces, how great it is that she'll just patiently hang out and read a book when I'm talking to other adults, or how easily she makes friends at the playground and will entertain herself, and behave well and treat other kids well, without me having to intervene or to much.

What people don't know is that she has a sensory processing disorder that requires very active management including therapy and parent training, that she had selective mutism in preschool and was constantly in trouble in her kindergarten class for being defiant and having outbursts. She's smart and a voracious reader, but the flip side of this is that she is easily bored and constantly asking questions about everything and can get easily frustrated when she doesn't understand something. I only have one kid because we knew by age 3 that she would take a lot effort and we were right. It's incredibly rewarding effort but also draining and exhausting.

Anyway, she's a well-behaved and well-adjusted 10 year old now because of all the work we've put in. And we still have to stay on top of it. We still have private struggles (still an extremely picky eater, for instance, still has strong sensory aversions that can lead to anxiety if we don't stay on top of it) but the public face you see looks like a chill, easy going child who doesn't require much parenting.

Anyway, when I see parents out struggling with a kid having a tantrum, or who is whining and complaining, or who just look exhausted and frustrated, I always make a point to tell them I have been there and offer some words of commiseration and support. The truth is that good parenting takes work. Some kids absolutely require more effort than others, and also every parent comes with a different set of resources and support systems -- something that was easy for you might be hard for someone else because they don't have the same resources.

Parents should support other parents. It's a hard and important job and we all need cheerleading.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes but most parents of easy children think it’s just due to lax parenting.

I don't. I know very well how lucky I am. They were easy first and then came lax parenting or zero parenting.
I'll give you two examples:
My kid wakes up in the morning and 5 minutes after, we are out the door. He just woke up to pee, brushing his teeth now, and clothes take about 2 minutes. No, we don't eat in the morning. We would if they didn't snack so often at school. See, he all happy and singing right now.
When I'm talking to a grown up, my kids sit quietly next to me until I'm done talking and notice them. They don't interrupt. Absolutely nothing I did. My friends' kids scream for them while I'm talking to them.

Yeah, I have a similar kid. Woke up every day in the crib smiling and never had a public meltdown as a toddler. She is a bright easy going teen and pretty cool too. I get a lot of comments how good a parent I am, but it never felt like a work at all.

My brother and I were like this growing up. Our parents can’t even remember either of us crying, and we never had a sibling fight ever.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes but most parents of easy children think it’s just due to lax parenting.

Not really. I have an easy child, she was born like that but I also believe she is well behaved because we are very firm with her.

So then you don’t think she was born that way.

She is easy but she is still a child.

Easy kids are well behaved without you having to be firm with them. Your statements completely contradict each other.

I’m guessing she is easy but you want a gold star for being a great mom rather than just counting your lucky stars that you got an easy kid. It’s okay, you can still be a great mom without feeling the need to take credit for your great kid.

I have one of each. It's the second one who is now 18 and has always been super easy. But I think it's in part from watching her older sister always be difficult and realizing that that's not the best way to get what you want. I also think that she has tried to compensate for her sister's diffcultness by not making waves.

At some point, this will probably lead her to therapy.

Yes of course. But most parents of easy kids never realize this and take credit for what is mostly luck.

Anonymous wrote:"Easy" is the wrong word. "Compatible" is the right word. Your kid might not be a fit for your lifestyle choices.

Yeah, my 2nd child isn’t compatible with most things then. Our lifestyle choices are the least of his concerns.

Anonymous wrote:Yes, some people get lucky. Kids aren't all the same, nor are they necessarily Iike their parents.

This.

Yeah although I have a hard time labeling any of my kids as easy or hard because some things have been easy and other things have been hard. I suspect that’s pretty normal.

My DS was difficult - so much so, that he is our only child.
He has a combination of family personality that was challenging.
We were strict in ways that mattered to us-- but I think other parents don't understand. Constant power struggles with a difficult kid lead to escalations, not compliance. We have to choose our battles.
Any time it made sense, I chose logical and even natural consequences vs. trying to impose authority.
FWIW- DS is starting a great college in the Fall, has never been in serious trouble. Kids who don't listen to you, may not listen to anyone- which in his case, translated to not giving in to peer pressure and having his own vision of a successful future.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes but most parents of easy children think it’s just due to lax parenting.

I don't. I know very well how lucky I am. They were easy first and then came lax parenting or zero parenting.
I'll give you two examples:
My kid wakes up in the morning and 5 minutes after, we are out the door. He just woke up to pee, brushing his teeth now, and clothes take about 2 minutes. No, we don't eat in the morning. We would if they didn't snack so often at school. See, he all happy and singing right now.
When I'm talking to a grown up, my kids sit quietly next to me until I'm done talking and notice them. They don't interrupt. Absolutely nothing I did. My friends' kids scream for them while I'm talking to them.

Yeah, I have a similar kid. Woke up every day in the crib smiling and never had a public meltdown as a toddler. She is a bright easy going teen and pretty cool too. I get a lot of comments how good a parent I am, but it never felt like a work at all.