Birth mother here - this question is so hard because you cannot categorize birth mothers as a homogenous group. There are women who were from the "baby scoop" generation vs women who placed their children for adoption with the intent of having open adoptions. There are women who have trauma associated with the conception of these kids and also women who have trauma associated with the relinquishment of their children. The question is too broad without knowing anything about the birth mother, which it sounds like you do not, OP. I can tell you that my personal story is that we were out of touch for some years but delighted to be contacted by our birth child at around 19. Like some PPs have suggested, we felt like it was up to the child (not our child, as this child has a family that raised them, and it wasn't us) to decide if they wanted contact. We were thrilled to have more contact. Not every birth mother would be happy for such contact. I wish you the very best of luck with this process -- and it sounds like, since your child is mid-20s, that your primary role is just to support your child's adult wishes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So much empathy for birth moms. The children did not ask to be born or adopted out. They should be allowed answers

None of these birth moms asked to be raped or sexually abused. Their privacy should be respected.

Not all were.

Women give up a child for various reasons and the common denominator is this: they do not want this child and are giving it up and they want nothing to do with it ever. Unless the biological mother makes contact, leave her alone .

The vast majority of relinquishing mothers in studies DO want contact with their children. Some don't; most do.

You have no idea of what you are talking about and until you are pregnant with your rapist's bastard and experience that trauma, fear, and social disgrace, just shut up!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So much empathy for birth moms. The children did not ask to be born or adopted out. They should be allowed answers

None of these birth moms asked to be raped or sexually abused. Their privacy should be respected.

Not all were.

Women give up a child for various reasons and the common denominator is this: they do not want this child and are giving it up and they want nothing to do with it ever. Unless the biological mother makes contact, leave her alone .

The vast majority of relinquishing mothers in studies DO want contact with their children. Some don't; most do.

Nevertheless, it should ALWAYS be the choice of the biological mother because it is her life that will be affected.

Women give up a child for various reasons and the common denominator is this: they do not want this child and are giving it up and they want nothing to do with it ever.

That is simply untrue. In many cases, the woman DOES want the child, but circumstances make it difficult or even impossible to keep the child. That was more common in the past when having a child out of wedlock was uncommon and daycare was unheard of. If a teen got pregnant and her family wouldn't help, there wasn't much choice in the matter.

There are women who give birth in prison and face long sentences. Some of those women decide that it is not fair to the child to be kept in the foster care system for 10 or 15 years until mom is free and make the difficult but loving choice to allow their kids to be adopted.

Others have their parental rights terminated by the state --often because the kids have been neglected due to substance abuse or mental health issues. In those cases, it sometimes happens that mom is successful in turning her life around and wants to reconnect with the child.

There are all sorts of reasons women agree to have their children adopted. Reactions to being "found" vary. Some of the women are actively searching themselves.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So much empathy for birth moms. The children did not ask to be born or adopted out. They should be allowed answers

None of these birth moms asked to be raped or sexually abused. Their privacy should be respected.

Not all were.

Women give up a child for various reasons and the common denominator is this: they do not want this child and are giving it up and they want nothing to do with it ever. Unless the biological mother makes contact, leave her alone .

The vast majority of relinquishing mothers in studies DO want contact with their children. Some don't; most do.

It’s impossible to say. It’s specific to the person.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a 12yo adopted child. On paper it’s an open adoption. However when we tried reaching out via the agency when DD was a baby bio mom was “ not ready”
Around age 4 we stopped trying.
Through sleuthing we ( adoptive parents) so know where bio mom lives and it’s about 30 mins from us.
Right now DD is no interested in meeting bio family and I’m mostly thankful. If she wants to later we will support but probably use a therapist for guidance.

It's completely understandable that a newly grieving. Other would be too pained by contact, but it is astonishing that you gave up trying after just 4 years. How hard would it be just to send annual updates? Why are you "thankful" that your child is completely cut off from her family of origin???

Birthmom wants no contact. If she does she tells the agency and they reach out

Anonymous wrote:I have a 12yo adopted child. On paper it’s an open adoption. However when we tried reaching out via the agency when DD was a baby bio mom was “ not ready”
Around age 4 we stopped trying.
Through sleuthing we ( adoptive parents) so know where bio mom lives and it’s about 30 mins from us.
Right now DD is no interested in meeting bio family and I’m mostly thankful. If she wants to later we will support but probably use a therapist for guidance.

It's completely understandable that a newly grieving. Other would be too pained by contact, but it is astonishing that you gave up trying after just 4 years. How hard would it be just to send annual updates? Why are you "thankful" that your child is completely cut off from her family of origin???

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So much empathy for birth moms. The children did not ask to be born or adopted out. They should be allowed answers

None of these birth moms asked to be raped or sexually abused. Their privacy should be respected.

Not all were.

Women give up a child for various reasons and the common denominator is this: they do not want this child and are giving it up and they want nothing to do with it ever. Unless the biological mother makes contact, leave her alone .

The vast majority of relinquishing mothers in studies DO want contact with their children. Some don't; most do.

Anonymous wrote:Your dd needs to do this herself. You can help her, but neither of you have any idea how the birth mom will respond or whether anyone in her life now knows that she had a child.

A lot of pregnancies, even in the US, are the result of rape. Please keep that in mind.

Daughter of mom who lost children to adoption here. My first sister was conceived through coercion and violence when my mom was 18 and her married boss 20 years older than her took advantage of her first time drinking alcohol at a work function. She never called it rape and her mother never believed that she wasn't the instigator, but I knew it was SA by my mom's trauma and shame.

That said, relinquishing her baby and being in the dark about the child for decades was 1000x more traumatizing than the assault that resulted in a pregnancy. The circumstances of my sister's birth made their reuinion more complicated because my mom didn't want to hurt her daughter with the truth, but it didn't make the joy of reunion any less palpable and it didn't in any way interfere with my mom's and our love for her or her love for us. A one-time violent trauma is terrible but can be less damaging than chronic trauma, such as separation from a child. Uncertainty. Constant worry.

Of course YMMV. I am a rape survivor myself and chose to end the pregnancy that resulted, in part because I did not want my life to be like my mom's. But I don't value my sister's life any less, nor does she begrudge my freedom of choice.

Please don't assume that all birth parents after rape will reflexively not want contact. Some won't; some will. In my experience, reunion was tremendously healing and welcome.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


None of these birth moms asked to be raped or sexually abused. Their privacy should be respected.


Not all were.

And regardless, many women make the decision to place a child for adoption because they are not ready to be mothers or have no interest in being mothers at that time. So the forced birth crowd tells women that they shouldn't be allowed to have an abortion because a two cell fertilized egg is equivalent to a live human, so women need to risk their health and lives (see maternal fatalities in TX . . ) to give birth so that there is a (in the words of Justice Handmaid) "domestic supply of infants". So then a woman, having been forced to give birth against her will, places the child for adoption. But that's not enough---now she has to have her life ripped apart years later when the child comes to find her even if she does not wish to be found. The whole anti-choice movement really IS about punishing women for having sex outside of marriage. That's what this has always been about.

What are you rambling about. Stop projecting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a similar question. Birthmom and I corresponded by email occasionally until child was 4. Then I stopped getting responses and eventually got notified that the email address was closed due to not being accessed for a year.

Now kids is 11 and interested in contact, at least a phone call. Through internet searching, I found an email address and some possible phone numbers. I sent a brief note to the email - no response. Birthmom had issues with addiction in the past, I am also unsure of her status relative to that.

I have these phone numbers. Is it better to text or call? Are there other ways to reach out or handle this?

I would text and ask if they are interested.

Thank you for responding, appreciate it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So much empathy for birth moms. The children did not ask to be born or adopted out. They should be allowed answers

None of these birth moms asked to be raped or sexually abused. Their privacy should be respected.

Not all were.

Women give up a child for various reasons and the common denominator is this: they do not want this child and are giving it up and they want nothing to do with it ever. Unless the biological mother makes contact, leave her alone .

Anonymous wrote:


None of these birth moms asked to be raped or sexually abused. Their privacy should be respected.


Not all were.

And regardless, many women make the decision to place a child for adoption because they are not ready to be mothers or have no interest in being mothers at that time. So the forced birth crowd tells women that they shouldn't be allowed to have an abortion because a two cell fertilized egg is equivalent to a live human, so women need to risk their health and lives (see maternal fatalities in TX . . ) to give birth so that there is a (in the words of Justice Handmaid) "domestic supply of infants". So then a woman, having been forced to give birth against her will, places the child for adoption. But that's not enough---now she has to have her life ripped apart years later when the child comes to find her even if she does not wish to be found. The whole anti-choice movement really IS about punishing women for having sex outside of marriage. That's what this has always been about.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So much empathy for birth moms. The children did not ask to be born or adopted out. They should be allowed answers

None of these birth moms asked to be raped or sexually abused. Their privacy should be respected.

Not all were.

Anonymous wrote:So much empathy for birth moms. The children did not ask to be born or adopted out. They should be allowed answers

None of these birth moms asked to be raped or sexually abused. Their privacy should be respected.