Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop blaming your husband for something you did to yourself.

OP. This is less “omg my xH sucks” and more “WHY do men like him feel the need to tear someone down until there’s nothing left?”

It is so common for many men (not all) to be attracted to a woman who brims with life and joy, and then to turn around and put her down as time goes on.

Anonymous wrote:The wrong man steals your sparkle, a good man lets you be/shine, the best man helps you shine.

Yep. I think it's even more basic than not wanting other men to be attracted to you. I think it's about male self-esteem. Some men are excited to get a "good catch," or to date someone they didn't initially think they could get. But if they don't have a solid core of self-esteem, being around another person who feels good about herself and experiences admiration is really galling. They will be persistent about taking you down a peg and trying to make you feel less, yourself.

Being with a man who has strong self-esteem and happiness in his life's achievements is a world away from being with one who is resentful that he doesn't have more, and/or who feels shi**y about himself at the core. Totally different. The former builds you up, and the latter tries his best to tear you down.

Same reason why some women tear the heart out of a man, throw them on the ground and run them over with their vehicle.

Anonymous wrote:So many happy bachelors loose all of their sparkle in wife, kids, career and life issues.

Women loose more by marrying. That is why married men live longer than single men. Yet it is single women who live much longer than married women. Multiple studies have proved this.

My experience is that it is often childhood trauma and/ or SN. They mask well at the beginning, because they do want to be with someone.
I left one because of physical abuse. He has attacked and yelled at a lot of people. He is the first to tell you that he and his family have some mental problems.
Second partner was undiagnosed ASD. Imagine how rigid he became over time when he got tired of masking. I wasn't allowed to see my friends and my love language had to be like his - 'together, but separately'.
How does this not rob me of my sparkle? We used to visit my friends together. This didn't have to change.
When I tried to set boundaries and went to see my friend, he locked me out. Who does this?
None of you can say that this is the behavior of a mentally healthy man?
I left and he killed himself. His family doesn't want to talk about ASD, because they all have it.
I can think of about 30 other men I have met over 30 years and maybe 10 women, all with some kind of problems. Not easy to dodge them at all. People are sick from within. You can't see it right away, but it will come out at some point.
OP, I would get out if possible. Life is so much better alone and just casual dating.

Problems usually start after kids because people don't understand how much parenting demands of you.

When I think of it, women in marriages without kids don't normally complain about their sparkle being lost nor their husbands. They do what they want, not being saddled with kids and household duties. Sparkle = you get to do what you want, when you want. It's not about "not growing up" or being childish. If you have time and resources to do what you want, you're happy.

Anonymous wrote:We all have to grow up op. You can’t be carefree forever. I have no idea if your ex-husband was a jerk or not but most of us lose our ‘sparkle’ when we get older and take on big responsibilities that weigh heavily that on us. I definitely don’t want a husband that treats me like a carefree child. Part of growing up is not blaming others for our own behavior.

For me it's not my DH or being a working mom, it's boring, mean, indifferent, and small-minded colleagues at work and social settings. I had the most sparkle in school because I was surrounded by bright people with big hopes and there were lots of new ideas.

I hate my work a lot right now but I'm pretty sure I'd have to give up $50K a year to start over at a new company.

So I suck it up like an adult.

Anonymous wrote:Women mostly blame their husbands for all of their problems and men usually blame their parents. If your are adults, learn to take responsibility and work on improving yourselves instead of shifting blame for your poor life choices.

Men never blame their perfect parents. And vice versa. Both sides would take that too personally.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why? Because most men are self centered and self serving.

Thats all they have the capacity to think or slightly care about: themselves and their immediate needs.

It works well for them. But not if everyone started misbehaving that way.

All men? All the time?

You need to meet better people.

Looks like they literally stated: Most men.

“He is like an exotic bird collector. He only wants a woman who is free because his dream is to put her in a cage” -Trevor Noah’s

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 8th grader used to sparkle in every photo. The most natural smile that reached the eyes.

Last week was the first time I was taking pictures (that she asked me to take, in a happy place) where she didn’t look happy in her eyes.

Boys in her grade causing drama, getting her girl friends involved too.

This is quite possibly the worst take I've ever read on this website.

Agreed. It's a stupid take (assuming she's trying to generalize). Middle school girls are notorious for bullying each other, causing serious mental health issues.

Not sure how old you are and if this is any relief, but I've noticed that once a woman hits menopause and gets more selfish herself (as the female hormones disappear), some sparkle will come back. There's nothing else to it than putting yourself first. Most women lose their sparkle with family and kids, especially if they're responsible and want the best for their offspring. It's difficult and time-consuming, not leaving much time or energy for yourself when childrearing. Husbands dumping much of the work on their wives of course makes it worse, which is why women often blame their husbands. The blame is often justified: if husbands cooked more often, cleaned more often and participated in the "mental load", the life would be easier for their wives. Most women have quite had enough after 20-25 years of the same old, same old, doing most of it themselves, because nobody else is willing to step up to the plate. Add to this old parents and good luck with your sparkle!

Anonymous wrote:My 8th grader used to sparkle in every photo. The most natural smile that reached the eyes.

Last week was the first time I was taking pictures (that she asked me to take, in a happy place) where she didn’t look happy in her eyes.

Boys in her grade causing drama, getting her girl friends involved too.

This is quite possibly the worst take I've ever read on this website.

Anonymous wrote:Today during therapy my therapist mentioned I’m very monotone and unemotional, and that I should work on expressing my happiness and emotion more.

I was reflecting back on why, because I wasn’t always like this, and I realized it’s from my xH. He was initially attracted to me because I was vibrant, outgoing, and fun to be around, but over the years he got so critical of what I wore, how I acted, how I spoke, etc that I just got rid of all personality altogether so he’d have nothing to be critical about.

I talked with some friends and I’m not alone in this. Most women have dated or been married to the guy who immediately tried to stomp out all their sparkle and personality.

Why are men like this? Why date someone who you’re just going to try to change into an emotionless, personality-devoid zombie?

Lol

So many happy bachelors loose all of their sparkle in wife, kids, career and life issues.