I feel like by high school the parents generally know. I will say hello if someone who says hello at a parent function but I don't feel the need to socialize with parents whose children my child is not friends with, especially if my child has said a lot of negative things about their child. I try to stay out of the gossip and nastiness unless it is extreme and/or is negatively impacting my child and/or many of her peers. So hard to do, but I consistently tell my child that the only person's behavior she can control is her own in a situation and I try to do the same. Unfortunately I cannot make the other kids -- especially high schoolers -- behave differently.

Anonymous wrote:In my experience as a teacher, it’s highly unlikely that truly mean kids have nice parents. I’ve seen a lot of kids and parents. Some nice parents have mentally ill kids or special needs kids… but not cruel. That comes either from watching a parent’s example or from a child’s own reaction to how they are being treated at home.

Yup. But a snitch is here screaming about perception!

Parents know. And they fail and then they blame teachers and others most importantly their own kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And the parents truly don’t seem to know.

It makes it really awkward when the parents come up to chit chat at a school concert or whatever and seem completely oblivious to the fact that their kid torments your kid or that their kid drinks a lot and cheats on tests.

We know more than one family like this where the parents could not be any nicer. It is so bizarre.

These nice people are fine with other adults socially. But they are much more likely than not completely given-up, rotten parents who don’t say no and don’t give a damn what they’re raising. They think they love their kids more than others who set limits and say no. It’s a pattern established when their kids were still in toddlerhood.

That’s your narrative and you’re sticking to it!

I know, it’s so hard! It’s the world’s fault you’re a sh!tty mom 😢

That’s all you. You get to take full credit for your narrative since it isn’t based on reality at all. Congrats!

Only some failure mom who has f’ed up forever would be as flinty as you are. Good luck, babe - your kid is a mess and you know it. 😘

Just because you think the parents are “nice” doesn’t mean they are nice…especially if you don’t know them that well.

One of the dads we know- widely considered to be one of the nicest guys around, pillar of the community type (both him and his wife actually- PTA president type, they both do tons of charity work etc)- is an absolute jerk if you get to know him. Years ago, my DH coached little league and had a boy who was Asian on his team- this dad told DH “hahahahaha hope you can speak Chinese!” while making crude slanty eye gesture. Not kidding in the least. And we live in a very diverse liberal-ish area. I was not surprised when my DS told me that his (now high school aged son) yelled at a girl at school in front of a large crowd “hey gross- get away from me you fat cow”!

Just saying…..a lot of “nice” parents really are not that nice.

In my experience as a teacher, it’s highly unlikely that truly mean kids have nice parents. I’ve seen a lot of kids and parents. Some nice parents have mentally ill kids or special needs kids… but not cruel. That comes either from watching a parent’s example or from a child’s own reaction to how they are being treated at home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And the parents truly don’t seem to know.

It makes it really awkward when the parents come up to chit chat at a school concert or whatever and seem completely oblivious to the fact that their kid torments your kid or that their kid drinks a lot and cheats on tests.

We know more than one family like this where the parents could not be any nicer. It is so bizarre.

These nice people are fine with other adults socially. But they are much more likely than not completely given-up, rotten parents who don’t say no and don’t give a damn what they’re raising. They think they love their kids more than others who set limits and say no. It’s a pattern established when their kids were still in toddlerhood.

That’s your narrative and you’re sticking to it!

I know, it’s so hard! It’s the world’s fault you’re a sh!tty mom 😢

That’s all you. You get to take full credit for your narrative since it isn’t based on reality at all. Congrats!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And the parents truly don’t seem to know.

It makes it really awkward when the parents come up to chit chat at a school concert or whatever and seem completely oblivious to the fact that their kid torments your kid or that their kid drinks a lot and cheats on tests.

We know more than one family like this where the parents could not be any nicer. It is so bizarre.

These nice people are fine with other adults socially. But they are much more likely than not completely given-up, rotten parents who don’t say no and don’t give a damn what they’re raising. They think they love their kids more than others who set limits and say no. It’s a pattern established when their kids were still in toddlerhood.

That’s your narrative and you’re sticking to it!

I know, it’s so hard! It’s the world’s fault you’re a sh!tty mom 😢

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would want to know.

You think that. But you will just become defensive if someone tells you.

This. everybody wants to know in theory except when they are told about their own kid. then they say you are lying and get upset at you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m dealing with this right now. I’ve been skipping school events and have ghosted my book club of moms and friends because a group of boys have been relentlessly bullying/harassing my DD this year. I know the moms are wondering why I’m not showing up, but we’re also not close enough friends that I feel comfortable explaining. And I don’t know what version of the events their boys or school have shared, which makes it more awkward.

I’m sad to not see them any more, because they are smart, interesting women. But their boys are little jerks, and I can’t figure out how to bridge that gap.

You wait until one of the moms asks you why you're not around and you tell her. If they don't ask, assume they know.

Eh, in a similar situation sometimes the other parents are hearing dramatically different stories about why the kids aren't friends anymore. It gets tricky when any parents believe they can see the full picture.

Thus if you do talk to other parents about what you've heard about their kid's behavior, make it clear that you don't have all the info and leave open the possibility that your kids also is not perfect

In my case (book club/sexual harassment mom), I am pretty confident my DD and the other girls have no complicity in the incidents but I still don’t feel comfortable talking to the moms about it. There isn’t an easy way to say that someone’s son has been air-humping your child in hallway lines or demanding they give them oral sex and then acting it out at the lunch table.

Ugh, that's awful. That would be worth going through the counselor IMHO. Helpful for the parents to hear that but I understand why you don't want to deliver that message

It’s a formal investigation and the counselors, admin, and others are involved and there are set procedures for how it’s handled, so I assume that at some point they’ve involved the parents. They will only tell me what’s happening after the investigation is closed. I hope they have alerted the parents because I’d be alarmed about what my kid had been exposed to that would make them feel comfortable doing that at any age, let alone at school in late elementary!

Anonymous wrote:There is no such thing as nice parents and ahole kids. They're the same as their parents.

+1000

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And the parents truly don’t seem to know.

It makes it really awkward when the parents come up to chit chat at a school concert or whatever and seem completely oblivious to the fact that their kid torments your kid or that their kid drinks a lot and cheats on tests.

We know more than one family like this where the parents could not be any nicer. It is so bizarre.

These nice people are fine with other adults socially. But they are much more likely than not completely given-up, rotten parents who don’t say no and don’t give a damn what they’re raising. They think they love their kids more than others who set limits and say no. It’s a pattern established when their kids were still in toddlerhood.

That’s your narrative and you’re sticking to it!

Anonymous wrote:You have no idea what we’ve gone through with one of our kids and what we have done. We don’t need some random parent telling us things we know. So we have basically avoided all social events in the community because we don’t need your judgement. Our other kid is a nice rule following kid so we must do something right….

Do us a favor and don’t feel the need to say hi if you don’t want to be sincere and if you just want to gossip about the struggles we have with our one teen.

Take it to SN.

Good luck, you’ll need it.

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s fine to do this as long as you are prepared to hear some things about your child in return. The reality is that none of us really know how our kids act all the time.

So. Retaliatory bullshit from defensive parents. Awesome.

In my experience, OP, you wouldn’t be the first or second or twentieth person sounding the alarm. By this age, lots of these parents have 5-10 years of parent teacher conferences, or slanted stories from their DC where longish friendships implode and former BFFs are now enemies and DC insists they’re totally innocent, or a pattern where their child is no longer welcome at a series of classmate’s homes. It tends to be willful blindness.

There is no such thing as nice parents and ahole kids. They're the same as their parents.

Anonymous wrote:And the parents truly don’t seem to know.

It makes it really awkward when the parents come up to chit chat at a school concert or whatever and seem completely oblivious to the fact that their kid torments your kid or that their kid drinks a lot and cheats on tests.

We know more than one family like this where the parents could not be any nicer. It is so bizarre.

These nice people are fine with other adults socially. But they are much more likely than not completely given-up, rotten parents who don’t say no and don’t give a damn what they’re raising. They think they love their kids more than others who set limits and say no. It’s a pattern established when their kids were still in toddlerhood.