Op, do you know if she’s had any past sexual trauma, before she met you?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She might be interested in sex, just not with OP.

Doubt it - she married OP; she would've made do by now. She's Asexual.

Agree; she is now “asexual,” which is part of lgtbqia++ identity.

She may have been asexual since birth; some people simply are asexual.

But it places OP in a dilemma, doesn’t everyone agree on that?

Sure does.

OP - Do share back on how you navigate this .

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She might be interested in sex, just not with OP.

Doubt it - she married OP; she would've made do by now. She's Asexual.

Agree; she is now “asexual,” which is part of lgtbqia++ identity.

She may have been asexual since birth; some people simply are asexual.

But it places OP in a dilemma, doesn’t everyone agree on that?

Anonymous wrote:She might be interested in sex, just not with OP.

Doubt it - she married OP; she would've made do by now. She's Asexual.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She might be interested in sex, just not with OP.

This.

Yeah, statistically speaking she's more likely to be interested with a new partner than she is to be asexual.

Anonymous wrote:She might be interested in sex, just not with OP.

This.

She might be interested in sex, just not with OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you not know or discuss this twenty years ago.. or any time along the way?

She’s probably simply not interested in sex with you outside of making babies..

Sounds like any effort you make will be a no..

Yeah,
Live life as roommates.

Yep.
She doesn’t want sex
He won’t ask or inquire
No medical issues
Don’t seem to have issues elsewhere
Have kids
Don’t want to divorce
Cheaper to stay married
= Married Roomies

The issue is OP is straight, while his wife, is :

LGTBQIA+

She is specifically “asexual.”

Her sexual preference is: no sex. At all. Not even with herself.

She may still have feelings of “love” for the OP. But “marital love” in her mind, includes never, ever, having sex or sexual activity.

Is there a subtle way of testing whether of testing whether she is asexual? Perhaps some kind of scenario to see if no sex is really the preference ?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. In short, I want her to want it and have pleasure in doing so.

We will have sex once a month or so. But with limited exceptions, it still out obligation for her.

She doesn’t seem interested in her own pleasure. I have asked her what she likes/desires, but have received little feedback.

You know how you feel right after orgasm? Where you still love your wife and you like touching her, but you don’t have any actual sexual desire? That’s how your wife feels all of the time.
Imagine if right after you had sex your wife asked you what lingerie you wanted her to put on right then. You would probably say that you don’t want her to put on any lingerie, and you would rather watch television. And you would mean it.

That’s how she feels. She’s not hiding anything from you.

Thanks for putting this into words.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you not know or discuss this twenty years ago.. or any time along the way?

She’s probably simply not interested in sex with you outside of making babies..

Sounds like any effort you make will be a no..

Yeah,
Live life as roommates.

Yep.
She doesn’t want sex
He won’t ask or inquire
No medical issues
Don’t seem to have issues elsewhere
Have kids
Don’t want to divorce
Cheaper to stay married
= Married Roomies

The issue is OP is straight, while his wife, is :

LGTBQIA+

She is specifically “asexual.”

Her sexual preference is: no sex. At all. Not even with herself.

She may still have feelings of “love” for the OP. But “marital love” in her mind, includes never, ever, having sex or sexual activity.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you not know or discuss this twenty years ago.. or any time along the way?

She’s probably simply not interested in sex with you outside of making babies..

Sounds like any effort you make will be a no..

Yeah,
Live life as roommates.

Yep.
She doesn’t want sex
He won’t ask or inquire
No medical issues
Don’t seem to have issues elsewhere
Have kids
Don’t want to divorce
Cheaper to stay married
= Married Roomies

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your wife has never had an orgasm in 20 years of having sex with you, and you have never addressed this?

It sounds to me like they did address it. She is more or less asexual. He knew that even when they were dating.

I’m confused about what it is that he wants to “address.” Is he proposing to change her sexual orientation 20 years into marriage?

Agree: she is the “A,” and in:

The A in LGTBQIA++. It’s simple, gay males want sex with biological males; lesbians prefer sexual relations with other women.

Asexuals prefer to have sex: NOT AT ALL.

Not even with themselves in many cases (and OP’s wife has never had an “O” even alone).

You may be wondering about how her kids exist; she likely tolerated her husband doing it to her so that she could get pregnant. That does not mean she enjoyed or desired any part of it. Maybe they did IVF.

But the bottom line is:

- her sexual orientation is a complete mismatch to that of her straight male husband.

That’s the issue.

Occasionally “tolerates sex” is not a substitute for a love life and OP should not have to put up with it or live that way.

If she refuses sex-therapy (alone or as a couple), have the marriage annulled for being mislead, and move on to dating straight women who have libidos.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you put any effort to making her O. Do you even know how? Chances are it does not involve your d*ck which I think is a surprise to some men, and maybe even some women. I married very young (still happily married) and it took us a couple of years to realize what needed to happen for me to O.

This is missing the very real possibility raised in this thread that she has no interest in trying to orgasm or sex in general. If, as others have suggested, she's asexual, she won't want to be bothered with the effort of figuring out what she needs in order to orgasm. No matter how willing and attentive OP is willing to be.

Well if so that really sucks for OP! And seems maybe he should have clued into this in less than 20 years!

Yeah, probably. 20 years is on the extreme side, but I can see how the years could get away from someone.

Maybe they're both shy about sex - even religious - so that they don't talk about it; maybe don't even do it until they're married. Poor communication habits are possibly combined with her faking a little bit. Or maybe the novelty had her enjoying sex to some degree even if she wasn't having orgasms. Then kids come along. Through the pregnancy, infant, and maybe toddler years, there are built-in excuses. She doesn't want to talk about it because sex just isn't that interesting to her, and she'd prefer to avoid the subject. He doesn't talk about it because he's trying to be a good husband - what kind of monster pressures his wife for sex when she's pregnant or dealing with the challenges of new motherhood?

By the time the second or third kid is school age, maybe you're 10-15 years into the relationship. The novelty is gone, the rationalizations are gone, and the sex is gone too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. In short, I want her to want it and have pleasure in doing so.

We will have sex once a month or so. But with limited exceptions, it still out obligation for her.

She doesn’t seem interested in her own pleasure. I have asked her what she likes/desires, but have received little feedback.

You know how you feel right after orgasm? Where you still love your wife and you like touching her, but you don’t have any actual sexual desire? That’s how your wife feels all of the time.
Imagine if right after you had sex your wife asked you what lingerie you wanted her to put on right then. You would probably say that you don’t want her to put on any lingerie, and you would rather watch television. And you would mean it.

That’s how she feels. She’s not hiding anything from you.

+1

And wanting her to want something - no.

Is your wife open to couples therapy with a licensed sex therapist? That’s the only way I see of clarifying what’s actually going on here. Your wife could be asexual, she could have ongoing trauma from an assault, she could be a lesbian, she could hate you or she could just have intimacy issues for whatever reason. No way to know and clearly your attempts at talking to her about this are going nowhere. It’s not working between the two of you so you need to bring in a professional who can help you both figure out what is going on and if there is a way to improve this sad situation.