Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would ask the children. I was about 7 when my grandmother died. I was asked if I wanted to go and said no. It felt good to have the power to make this decision, even though it felt strange to be the only one who didn’t go.

I’ve attended funerals as an adult since then and there are a couple of images in my head I wish I didn’t have, but at the same time it is part of life.

Just let them make the decision.

I vote let them decide. Personally, I dislike funerals. I don’t find them to provide any peace or closure- rather they are sad and awkward. And open casket, no way. Seeing someone I knew and cared for lifeless with face paint on in a box is not closure for me

I don’t think anyone likes funerals, PP. they are not meant to be something you “like”; that’s really not the point.

Ok. I don’t find them comforting or necessary for grieving. Better?

Another thought, although 7 isn't that young and this may be an issue for families with toddlers or infants. I've been to many funerals, including in my own family, where one or two maybe in-laws or distant cousins who were attending anyway were on point to take care of any kid getting a bit wiggly. That way, the family members who are in the most grief don't need to leave the service to tend to their children as their own parent is being eulogized, for example.

At my grandfather's funeral my cousin's fiancé was on point, for example. She was there anyway but not exactly deeply grieving.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hard question. I think you have two.

One is about seeing him near death. I don’t think that is mandatory. But if the teen/tween wish to, prepare them.

The other is about going to the funeral. Absent other factors, final exams, for instance, the older two, for sure. The youngest would probably not want to be left out.

But give them choices: such as not viewing an open casket. And let them know what is expected…do they want to speak? Do they want to write something for someone else to read? Do they have stuff to wear?

I did not get to go to any grandparent’s funeral…and I resented being basically prevented from doing so when I was actually an adult…not your question, but may be worth a brief ponder at this difficult time.

I posted above. I know someone who wasn't allowed to go to her grandma's funeral. She still resents it.she was 16 at the time and was left at home while her parents went for a few days.

DP. I just want to chime in and add that I was 5 when my grandmother died, and I've always been resentful that my parents didn't take me to the funeral.

I remember her long flower garden of bearded irises, having sleepovers at her house and getting to share her bed, and I remember my uncle telling me that she died while my parents were with her at the hospital. Those are my memories of her, but even as a small child they were enough to make me really sorry not to have gone to her funeral. I'm almost 60, and it makes me sad again just thinking about it.

Anonymous wrote:No wonder kids are growing up with a lack of coping skills.

This absolute sheltering from life and sad things is really stunting growth.

+1

Kids are part of families. Family members die.

No wonder kids are growing up with a lack of coping skills.

This absolute sheltering from life and sad things is really stunting growth.

Yes. Go.

It's not just to say goodbye to the dead, but it is one of the few chances to see so many of the living, and fill the old with hope for the next generation that is coming.

Our family has taken our children to many funerals. This has included grandparents, great grandparents, aunts, uncles and grandparents of close family friends. We have taken them at all ages from infant to now teen/20's. As others have said there is a benefit to being able to grieve and also to celebrate the life of the person that has passed. When the kids were younger we explained what was going to happen and also gave them options on how to participate. We also offered the option to write/draw something to place in the casket if they wanted to say goodbye that way. As our kids have grown they are all comfortable at a funeral now. They also each participate differently. One will go and spend time at an open casket while others choose not to. They all have expressed that while funerals are sad there is also often many joyful moments because it brings family and friends together. If it were me, I would bring them to the funeral. If there is a challenge with the older teens I would work to mitigate that. When my father passed away our son that was closest to him was at the start of finals in high school. My husband worked with the school to get the exams shuffled for our son. He was able to take his exams before my dh told him grandpa had passed and then able to attend the funeral. DS told us after that he was pretty sure grandpa had passed but he was grateful for how we had handled it.

Anonymous wrote:We attended funerals in elementary school. I wouldn’t push any of the kids to see an open casket. People learn the cultural norms around grief by grieving. Absent special needs, even your youngest is old enough to sit through a funeral. There will be food and family and reminiscences. Don’t deny them that. If you’re concerned about behavior, bring a coloring book for the service and sit in the back.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.

Absolutely. My kids went to their first funeral when they were 7 and 5, end of first grade/presxchool for them. I was concerned how they’d handle it but they did great. We told them what to expect, why it was important to be there, how to behave. So many older relatives commented how much they loved seeing the kids there and how the kids’ presence made them happy at a sad time and my kids may not have been able to express it at the time but now that they’re older and have more perspective, I think they would say they are glad they went. Funerals are a time to be with family and say goodbye together. It’s not the only way to find closure and process feelings when a family member dies, but it’s good to be part of/observe the family rituals and traditions surrounding death as a part of your own personal grief journey.

My condolences.

Anonymous wrote:Thanks PPs! Op here.

I do have another question. I have several friends and DH who are not comfortable as adults with open casket viewing. I don’t want to attribute it to going to numerous funerals, but does that help adults adjust to seeing deceased people?

This would be open casket and since the children last saw him he went from stocky about 220lbs to barely 85-90lbs.

Open casket is such personal family decision . I know it’s tradition for many and have attended many open casket funerals. I’ve always hated them and it has not helped me adjust to anyone’s passing and it’s as if seeing the person that way is etched in stone and I never forget it. However, I respect people making the choice that works for their family. When I attend an open casket service I do my best to avoid going up to the casket.

First, I’m very sorry for your impending loss.

Second, I think everyone should go to loved one’s funerals. If your kids had a close relationship with your dad, they should be there. However I do not think you should make them go to see the open casket—-leave that part up to them and tell them beforehand what it might be like so they go in knowing what to expect. I was an adult the first time I went to an open casket funeral (I had been to several funerals as a child but none of them were open casket) and it was disturbing. I wish I hadn’t looked in the open casket. And in general, give your kids a run down of what the whole funeral will be like as well as why it’s important to go even though it may be hard and uncomfortable.

We attended funerals in elementary school. I wouldn’t push any of the kids to see an open casket. People learn the cultural norms around grief by grieving. Absent special needs, even your youngest is old enough to sit through a funeral. There will be food and family and reminiscences. Don’t deny them that. If you’re concerned about behavior, bring a coloring book for the service and sit in the back.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.

Anonymous wrote:Thanks PPs! Op here.

I do have another question. I have several friends and DH who are not comfortable as adults with open casket viewing. I don’t want to attribute it to going to numerous funerals, but does that help adults adjust to seeing deceased people?

This would be open casket and since the children last saw him he went from stocky about 220lbs to barely 85-90lbs.

Ok -- with my father, my kids saw his body (he still looked handsome). With my brother, I did not actually let them go near the body. Had become grotesque.

Absolutely yes. I've lost my father and a brother and my kids attended. Funerals as SUCH an important part of the process because they allow you to understand and accept the death, and to grieve with others.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would ask the children. I was about 7 when my grandmother died. I was asked if I wanted to go and said no. It felt good to have the power to make this decision, even though it felt strange to be the only one who didn’t go.

I’ve attended funerals as an adult since then and there are a couple of images in my head I wish I didn’t have, but at the same time it is part of life.

Just let them make the decision.

I vote let them decide. Personally, I dislike funerals. I don’t find them to provide any peace or closure- rather they are sad and awkward. And open casket, no way. Seeing someone I knew and cared for lifeless with face paint on in a box is not closure for me

I don’t think anyone likes funerals, PP. they are not meant to be something you “like”; that’s really not the point.

Ugh open casket.

Let your kids decide. Mine was 7 when my grandma died and I let him decide if he wanted to visit her in hospice (he did) and go to the funeral (he did). It was the right thing to do to let him decide.