Anonymous wrote:OP here. I wanted to thank those of you who took the time to respond, especially the very lengthy and helpful responses from women going through something similar. I will start figuring out how to get an attorney and find the $$ to pay for it. It is hard to hear that his deceit will mean nothing in our divorce. My primary concern is getting as much custody as I can. I want DCs to have a good relationship with their father but he is largely absent as a dad, always has been, and apparently has been using his frequent business travel as an opportunity to cheat w various women. He is the type that will insist on 50-50 custody for appearances sake but he has no real interest in taking care of young children and will farm them out to a nanny or worse.

In this case, write the "right of first refusal" into your custody plan. This means that when he is unavailable to care for them, you get them if you are willing and available. And you can keep track of how often he can't care for them on his time, and go back and ask for an adjustment to the custody schedule.

But as I said before (I'm "novel" lady), I framed it as being better for my STBX to have less time. And he's struggling even with 43% of the time. When we set it up, I said, "Are you sure you want every Wednesday and Thursday? You like to go out a lot on those nights" and he literally cried and promised that he would plan his things for other nights.

Well our kid just texted needing a ride to something next Thursday and he has a conflict. He only has them two nights next week. This is who he is. He feels that the kids are his priority. But his actions never say that.

Anonymous wrote:You need to talk to a lawyer before you do anything. And start mapping out your "get away plan".

I love when people say get a lawyer without having any financial information.

You wouldn’t tell someone run out to buy a new car or absolutely take public transportation. Without knowing a lot more info

It’s so odd

OP here. I wanted to thank those of you who took the time to respond, especially the very lengthy and helpful responses from women going through something similar. I will start figuring out how to get an attorney and find the $$ to pay for it. It is hard to hear that his deceit will mean nothing in our divorce. My primary concern is getting as much custody as I can. I want DCs to have a good relationship with their father but he is largely absent as a dad, always has been, and apparently has been using his frequent business travel as an opportunity to cheat w various women. He is the type that will insist on 50-50 custody for appearances sake but he has no real interest in taking care of young children and will farm them out to a nanny or worse.

Sorry to hear that your husband has been unfaithful. 💔💔💔
You are doing the right + ethical thing by divorcing him.

I personally do not understand how people can stay married to someone that would cheat on them…..especially when they have children w/the person.

Any loving and responsible parent who puts their child(ren) first would never stay in such a miserable dynamic.

I am not sure which states, if any, actually penalize a STBX spouse for infidelity so unfortunately I am unable to adequately answer your question but I highly recommend contacting a divorce attorney in your state very soon.

I wish you only the best.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't have to get a divorce. It will probably be better for you, the kids, and him in the long run if you work it out.

I agree. If he’s rich, he will easily remarry a younger woman. What about her? She’s a mom of a few kids.
The house is big enough where they can live separate lives while still married for the kids sake

This is weird, backwards advice. If he's rich, she'll get good alimony and child support. I'm the lady who's been writing novels on this thread who is going through an unexpected divorce. In the early days when I was a crying mess, I had a few friends point out the obvious. "So wait, you're going to be fine financially, and you don't have to deal with a man? This seems . . . not so terrible?"

I don't need to find some man who's willing to become a stepdad and full time partner. I just need to find someone who likes getting together and having sex a few times a week. Surely this is not an impossible ask. I have a full life on my own. All the research says that women benefit a lot more than men from divorce, which makes sense. There's no reason to stay with an icky cheater who's going to have to pay you your due unless it's what you absolutely want.

As my STBX explained to me in an attempt to convince me to take his financial offer, I'm going to have a lot more flexible income than he is [cue a tiny violin]. Um, that's because he ran out and bought himself an expensive house four days after he left me, and he also wants to keep our vacation home. He can't really afford two expensive homes AND paying my mortgage and alimony and child support, but those are his choices. So any woman who looks at him and think he's her ticket to a cushy life is going to wish she'd married him 20 years ago like I did.

NP but you raise so many good points here. After spending time on this forum, it seems like a lot of men think the divorced women in their 40s are desperate for a stepdad for their kids and for another man. And any woman who has divorced in their 40s with kids knows the drill and probably the last thing she’s looking for at least in the next several years is another man. And why would you need a stepdad for your kids, they have a father figure, even if he is kind of self-absorbed and not around all the time and living in the house it sounds like he’s at least going to be in the kids live so you kinda have that covered.

My divorced friends in their late 40s with teens, they eventually have been interested in dating, but yeah, they’re not really looking for a relationship and certainly not depending on one. This is the phase where women start to enter the no fux left to give era.

Men also think that just because they’re wealthy it obscures the age gap and that women in their 20s will be lining up because of their resources. But you bring up a good point, they want what you wanted when you met him in your 20s, a man that doesn’t have an ex-wife and kids already. Men their own age or a little bit older might not make as much, but they’ve got the potential. Not to say the divorced dads will not have decent dating prospects, but some posters are truly delusional about the average wealthy non-celeb divorced dad.

NP. This is so nauseating. I never "lined up" in my 20s for a man because of what I surmised his earning power to be.

This is why women need to earn their own money.

They need to earn "their own" money so that an internet stranger doesn't have nausea?

My stbx's AP's husband is also going to receive alimony because he is the primary caregiver and she's the breadwinner. It's not just a woman thing. Though my mom, who was born in the 40s, told me that as a feminist, she used to think that woman didn't need alimony because they could support themselves. But then she spent decades supporting my dad and after everything she went through, she thought that if he ever left her, she'd take him for everything he was worth. It's easy to judge a hypothetical situation but when it's your own labor and worth on the line, I hope you will be kinder to yourself. It's not about whether you could support yourself, but about the contributions you made to your family unit and your reasonable expectation of that unit continuing.

And if my STBX marries a younger woman and has more kids, well, that sounds EXHAUSTING. He's already too busy for the ones he has. But it's his life to live, and TBH, somebody younger would probably be a better match for him in terms of maturity and emotional intelligence (or lack thereof). Or maybe that relationship would be more explicitly transactional, so he wouldn't be expected to provide empathy or make space for her. Again, that's all his business. But I don't see why the specter of him with a younger woman is supposed to horrify me. If I've done the work to grieve our relationship and move into a new phase of life, then his choices won't have anything impact on my self-worth or well-being.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't have to get a divorce. It will probably be better for you, the kids, and him in the long run if you work it out.

I agree. If he’s rich, he will easily remarry a younger woman. What about her? She’s a mom of a few kids.
The house is big enough where they can live separate lives while still married for the kids sake

This is weird, backwards advice. If he's rich, she'll get good alimony and child support. I'm the lady who's been writing novels on this thread who is going through an unexpected divorce. In the early days when I was a crying mess, I had a few friends point out the obvious. "So wait, you're going to be fine financially, and you don't have to deal with a man? This seems . . . not so terrible?"

I don't need to find some man who's willing to become a stepdad and full time partner. I just need to find someone who likes getting together and having sex a few times a week. Surely this is not an impossible ask. I have a full life on my own. All the research says that women benefit a lot more than men from divorce, which makes sense. There's no reason to stay with an icky cheater who's going to have to pay you your due unless it's what you absolutely want.

As my STBX explained to me in an attempt to convince me to take his financial offer, I'm going to have a lot more flexible income than he is [cue a tiny violin]. Um, that's because he ran out and bought himself an expensive house four days after he left me, and he also wants to keep our vacation home. He can't really afford two expensive homes AND paying my mortgage and alimony and child support, but those are his choices. So any woman who looks at him and think he's her ticket to a cushy life is going to wish she'd married him 20 years ago like I did.

NP but you raise so many good points here. After spending time on this forum, it seems like a lot of men think the divorced women in their 40s are desperate for a stepdad for their kids and for another man. And any woman who has divorced in their 40s with kids knows the drill and probably the last thing she’s looking for at least in the next several years is another man. And why would you need a stepdad for your kids, they have a father figure, even if he is kind of self-absorbed and not around all the time and living in the house it sounds like he’s at least going to be in the kids live so you kinda have that covered.

My divorced friends in their late 40s with teens, they eventually have been interested in dating, but yeah, they’re not really looking for a relationship and certainly not depending on one. This is the phase where women start to enter the no fux left to give era.

Men also think that just because they’re wealthy it obscures the age gap and that women in their 20s will be lining up because of their resources. But you bring up a good point, they want what you wanted when you met him in your 20s, a man that doesn’t have an ex-wife and kids already. Men their own age or a little bit older might not make as much, but they’ve got the potential. Not to say the divorced dads will not have decent dating prospects, but some posters are truly delusional about the average wealthy non-celeb divorced dad.

NP. This is so nauseating. I never "lined up" in my 20s for a man because of what I surmised his earning power to be.

This is why women need to earn their own money.

Meh, it doesn’t have to be nauseating. Quit thinking so black-and-white. I’m not saying women in their 20s are lining men up and judging men on their assets, but of course people choose based on similar education levels, goals, plans for the future, absolutely when women want to settle down and start a family it’s something that they take into account. It’s no different than people taking looks into account or sexual attraction.

It shouldn’t be the only thing but certainly it is one factor.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any chance you know what drove him to an AP?

Being a selfish immoral ahole cheater is what “drove him” to an ap.

Naaa, lack of something in the relationship caused him to stray.

Says the cheater. 😂

Some of you clueless women never get it.
Signed "not a cheater"

Okay cheater.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any chance you know what drove him to an AP?

Being a selfish immoral ahole cheater is what “drove him” to an ap.

Naaa, lack of something in the relationship caused him to stray.

Says the cheater. 😂

Some of you clueless women never get it.
Signed "not a cheater"

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any chance you know what drove him to an AP?

Being a selfish immoral ahole cheater is what “drove him” to an ap.

Naaa, lack of something in the relationship caused him to stray.

Being a loser cheater who doesn’t gaf about his family is what caused him to stray. Stop blaming women for men being a$$holes and ruining their family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He can get 50/50 even though he cheated. Courts don't think a parent's moral character has anything to do with their parenting somehow. You can put in the divorce decree that he can't have anyone sleeping over when the children are with him unless they are married.

For anyone who has had this clause is it beneficial (makes them less likely to want custody bc they just want the AP over) or does it tend to encourage an early marriage?

In my experience (I posted above) it makes no difference. It's hard to enforce unless you want to spend $$$ going to court, and to what end? If your Ex is a douche like mine, he'll just do what he wants anyway. I'd still put it in there in just in case, but keep in mind it might not help.

And btw, it works both ways. So might be a pita for you as well. Really depends a lot on age of your kids, etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He can get 50/50 even though he cheated. Courts don't think a parent's moral character has anything to do with their parenting somehow. You can put in the divorce decree that he can't have anyone sleeping over when the children are with him unless they are married.

For anyone who has had this clause is it beneficial (makes them less likely to want custody bc they just want the AP over) or does it tend to encourage an early marriage?

In my experience (I posted above) it makes no difference. It's hard to enforce unless you want to spend $$$ going to court, and to what end? If your Ex is a douche like mine, he'll just do what he wants anyway. I'd still put it in there in just in case, but keep in mind it might not help.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't have to get a divorce. It will probably be better for you, the kids, and him in the long run if you work it out.

I agree. If he’s rich, he will easily remarry a younger woman. What about her? She’s a mom of a few kids.
The house is big enough where they can live separate lives while still married for the kids sake

This is weird, backwards advice. If he's rich, she'll get good alimony and child support. I'm the lady who's been writing novels on this thread who is going through an unexpected divorce. In the early days when I was a crying mess, I had a few friends point out the obvious. "So wait, you're going to be fine financially, and you don't have to deal with a man? This seems . . . not so terrible?"

I don't need to find some man who's willing to become a stepdad and full time partner. I just need to find someone who likes getting together and having sex a few times a week. Surely this is not an impossible ask. I have a full life on my own. All the research says that women benefit a lot more than men from divorce, which makes sense. There's no reason to stay with an icky cheater who's going to have to pay you your due unless it's what you absolutely want.

As my STBX explained to me in an attempt to convince me to take his financial offer, I'm going to have a lot more flexible income than he is [cue a tiny violin]. Um, that's because he ran out and bought himself an expensive house four days after he left me, and he also wants to keep our vacation home. He can't really afford two expensive homes AND paying my mortgage and alimony and child support, but those are his choices. So any woman who looks at him and think he's her ticket to a cushy life is going to wish she'd married him 20 years ago like I did.

NP but you raise so many good points here. After spending time on this forum, it seems like a lot of men think the divorced women in their 40s are desperate for a stepdad for their kids and for another man. And any woman who has divorced in their 40s with kids knows the drill and probably the last thing she’s looking for at least in the next several years is another man. And why would you need a stepdad for your kids, they have a father figure, even if he is kind of self-absorbed and not around all the time and living in the house it sounds like he’s at least going to be in the kids live so you kinda have that covered.

My divorced friends in their late 40s with teens, they eventually have been interested in dating, but yeah, they’re not really looking for a relationship and certainly not depending on one. This is the phase where women start to enter the no fux left to give era.

Men also think that just because they’re wealthy it obscures the age gap and that women in their 20s will be lining up because of their resources. But you bring up a good point, they want what you wanted when you met him in your 20s, a man that doesn’t have an ex-wife and kids already. Men their own age or a little bit older might not make as much, but they’ve got the potential. Not to say the divorced dads will not have decent dating prospects, but some posters are truly delusional about the average wealthy non-celeb divorced dad.

NP. This is so nauseating. I never "lined up" in my 20s for a man because of what I surmised his earning power to be.

This is why women need to earn their own money.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't have to get a divorce. It will probably be better for you, the kids, and him in the long run if you work it out.

I agree. If he’s rich, he will easily remarry a younger woman. What about her? She’s a mom of a few kids.
The house is big enough where they can live separate lives while still married for the kids sake

This is weird, backwards advice. If he's rich, she'll get good alimony and child support. I'm the lady who's been writing novels on this thread who is going through an unexpected divorce. In the early days when I was a crying mess, I had a few friends point out the obvious. "So wait, you're going to be fine financially, and you don't have to deal with a man? This seems . . . not so terrible?"

I don't need to find some man who's willing to become a stepdad and full time partner. I just need to find someone who likes getting together and having sex a few times a week. Surely this is not an impossible ask. I have a full life on my own. All the research says that women benefit a lot more than men from divorce, which makes sense. There's no reason to stay with an icky cheater who's going to have to pay you your due unless it's what you absolutely want.

As my STBX explained to me in an attempt to convince me to take his financial offer, I'm going to have a lot more flexible income than he is [cue a tiny violin]. Um, that's because he ran out and bought himself an expensive house four days after he left me, and he also wants to keep our vacation home. He can't really afford two expensive homes AND paying my mortgage and alimony and child support, but those are his choices. So any woman who looks at him and think he's her ticket to a cushy life is going to wish she'd married him 20 years ago like I did.

NP but you raise so many good points here. After spending time on this forum, it seems like a lot of men think the divorced women in their 40s are desperate for a stepdad for their kids and for another man. And any woman who has divorced in their 40s with kids knows the drill and probably the last thing she’s looking for at least in the next several years is another man. And why would you need a stepdad for your kids, they have a father figure, even if he is kind of self-absorbed and not around all the time and living in the house it sounds like he’s at least going to be in the kids live so you kinda have that covered.

My divorced friends in their late 40s with teens, they eventually have been interested in dating, but yeah, they’re not really looking for a relationship and certainly not depending on one. This is the phase where women start to enter the no fux left to give era.

Men also think that just because they’re wealthy it obscures the age gap and that women in their 20s will be lining up because of their resources. But you bring up a good point, they want what you wanted when you met him in your 20s, a man that doesn’t have an ex-wife and kids already. Men their own age or a little bit older might not make as much, but they’ve got the potential. Not to say the divorced dads will not have decent dating prospects, but some posters are truly delusional about the average wealthy non-celeb divorced dad.

A lot depends on how effectively the first wife has been able to secure assets for her kids. Otherwise a young gold digger can be very good at shoving the previous kids aside.

Anonymous wrote:He can get 50/50 even though he cheated. Courts don't think a parent's moral character has anything to do with their parenting somehow. You can put in the divorce decree that he can't have anyone sleeping over when the children are with him unless they are married.

GL with that, it's virtually unenforceable. My ex did it ALL THE TIME, and even had his GFs watch our son when he had "other things to do", even though it was explicitly stated in the divorce that in the case of having to go to work or out of town, we had to give each other first right of refusal, so to speak.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't have to get a divorce. It will probably be better for you, the kids, and him in the long run if you work it out.

I agree. If he’s rich, he will easily remarry a younger woman. What about her? She’s a mom of a few kids.
The house is big enough where they can live separate lives while still married for the kids sake

This is weird, backwards advice. If he's rich, she'll get good alimony and child support. I'm the lady who's been writing novels on this thread who is going through an unexpected divorce. In the early days when I was a crying mess, I had a few friends point out the obvious. "So wait, you're going to be fine financially, and you don't have to deal with a man? This seems . . . not so terrible?"

I don't need to find some man who's willing to become a stepdad and full time partner. I just need to find someone who likes getting together and having sex a few times a week. Surely this is not an impossible ask. I have a full life on my own. All the research says that women benefit a lot more than men from divorce, which makes sense. There's no reason to stay with an icky cheater who's going to have to pay you your due unless it's what you absolutely want.

As my STBX explained to me in an attempt to convince me to take his financial offer, I'm going to have a lot more flexible income than he is [cue a tiny violin]. Um, that's because he ran out and bought himself an expensive house four days after he left me, and he also wants to keep our vacation home. He can't really afford two expensive homes AND paying my mortgage and alimony and child support, but those are his choices. So any woman who looks at him and think he's her ticket to a cushy life is going to wish she'd married him 20 years ago like I did.

NP but you raise so many good points here. After spending time on this forum, it seems like a lot of men think the divorced women in their 40s are desperate for a stepdad for their kids and for another man. And any woman who has divorced in their 40s with kids knows the drill and probably the last thing she’s looking for at least in the next several years is another man. And why would you need a stepdad for your kids, they have a father figure, even if he is kind of self-absorbed and not around all the time and living in the house it sounds like he’s at least going to be in the kids live so you kinda have that covered.

My divorced friends in their late 40s with teens, they eventually have been interested in dating, but yeah, they’re not really looking for a relationship and certainly not depending on one. This is the phase where women start to enter the no fux left to give era.

Men also think that just because they’re wealthy it obscures the age gap and that women in their 20s will be lining up because of their resources. But you bring up a good point, they want what you wanted when you met him in your 20s, a man that doesn’t have an ex-wife and kids already. Men their own age or a little bit older might not make as much, but they’ve got the potential. Not to say the divorced dads will not have decent dating prospects, but some posters are truly delusional about the average wealthy non-celeb divorced dad.