Anonymous
03/12/2025 08:09
Subject: Re:Disagree fundamentally with friend in sticky situation
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:She's right. She's not the one who's doing the cheating. His is the home wrecker in his marriage, not her.
I just can't with this argument or people like you who perpetuate it - have you never heard to treating others like you would like to be treated? There is a basic human contract not to deliberately inflict harm on other people (in this case, she is participating in wrecking another family). No wonder the US is in such a bad place right now.
I think the only people who perpetuate this trope are the cheaters themselves. No decent person would think this.
I think it's a push back to people blaming the woman for all affairs. If the man is the one who is married, he is MORE responsible for breaking up his family. Not solely, but more. Yes history has a habit of blaming the woman every time so I think the pendulum is swinging back in the other direction on that now. Everyone involved is responsible but I think understanding where this reaction is coming from is more helpful than saying "no decent person would think this." You keyboard warriors are so morally righteous it's annoying. And not helpful to people like OP.
Anonymous
03/12/2025 08:07
Subject: Disagree fundamentally with friend in sticky situation
Anonymous wrote:She's right. She's not the one who's doing the cheating. His is the home wrecker in his marriage, not her.
However, I would tell her I don't want to hear about it at all. Because I don't. And I sure wouldn't let her around anyone I'm romantically involved in.
This is such a BS excuse to abdicate responsibility. The women sleeping with married men are also responsible for wrecking the marriage.
Anonymous
03/12/2025 08:06
Subject: Disagree fundamentally with friend in sticky situation
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I wonder about your own character, OP. Associating with people like these.
Because all your friends are perfect, just like you, and nobody ever made a dumb decision, not even the once.
Cheater got triggered.
Not PP but no, you're an idiot. And I'm not a cheater.
Anonymous
03/12/2025 08:06
Subject: Disagree fundamentally with friend in sticky situation
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:She's right. She's not the one who's doing the cheating. His is the home wrecker in his marriage, not her.
However, I would tell her I don't want to hear about it at all. Because I don't. And I sure wouldn't let her around anyone I'm romantically involved in.
This is SO disgustingly WRONG.
EVERYONE in a community has responsibility to one another, including to the preservation of marriages and families especially those in which children are being raised.
The publication of banns of marriage - banns being an old English word meaning proclamation - in the church or town council was meant to allow for anyone to bring forward any known impediments to the marriage, and it also serves as a public declaration of the joining of two persons in a union we are all meant to respect.
Single people who sleep with married people are also ADULTERERS. They are equally responsible because we ALL owe respect to marriage vows, not only to our own.
Infidelity is not the married person's problem only. I am affronted by people who take this position and I have ended friendships over it and also kicked out a law school roommate who wanted to bring his lover home to our place while I had to look at the photos of his wife and 5 kids back in CA on our fridge. I kicked him out and ratted him out to his wife, too - I really hope she dumped him.
Stop excusing scummy women and men who interfere in marriages, it's amoral behavior. Don't whine about the heart wants what it wants either - your heart doesn't fall for a married person if you take the hard bright line of staying away from them except in the most platonic of interactions.
+1 Adultery and marriages/families being broken is a societal problem. Too many people turn a blind eye and ignore it. It should (and used to be) a punishable crime. That poor mom is going to be left a single mother with a new baby and likely a deadbeat dad.
It's still illegal in VA, it's just that it doesn't get prosecuted because people have bigger fish to fry.
If the guy isn't cheating with OP's friend he'll probably do it with someone else, and he's already done it, so I don't know why acting like telling on them would undo the harm that's been done.
Anyway, I don't agree with cheating, I don't think it's ok, I have never done it, but I'm also not going to pretend that everything is as clear cut as you seem to think it is. Life is complicated.
Anonymous
03/12/2025 08:04
Subject: Re:Disagree fundamentally with friend in sticky situation
I’ve been in your situation and 90% of the times I just dumped them as friends because I’ve outgrown them. They’re disgusting. I can’t stand them.
I have one friend I didn’t dump because she’s just so broken and her husband gave her so I worked really hard helping her get help, going to therapy, making better decision. Kind of felt bad for her her dad abandoned her, and her mom remarried for 10 years when they divorced that man never spoke to her again, and then she had another father figure in our life for about 15 years and when her mom broke up with him, he literally never spoke to her again. What is wrong with these men?
Anyway… If your friend is willing to stop and get help, I’d remain friends with her.
If not, you need to ask yourself why you want to be friends with this person.
I have one friend I didn’t dump because she’s just so broken and her husband gave her so I worked really hard helping her get help, going to therapy, making better decision. Kind of felt bad for her her dad abandoned her, and her mom remarried for 10 years when they divorced that man never spoke to her again, and then she had another father figure in our life for about 15 years and when her mom broke up with him, he literally never spoke to her again. What is wrong with these men?
Anyway… If your friend is willing to stop and get help, I’d remain friends with her.
If not, you need to ask yourself why you want to be friends with this person.
Anonymous
03/12/2025 08:04
Subject: Disagree fundamentally with friend in sticky situation
I would drop her as a friend.
Anonymous
03/12/2025 08:03
Subject: Disagree fundamentally with friend in sticky situation
Anonymous wrote:There is no "sticky situation". It's simple, it just requires the guts to end the friendship.
I'm not the OP but I don't understand how you can't fathom that dropping a friendship with a long-time friend isn't as easy to do as snapping your fingers. Imagine you found our your best friend was cheating with a married man. I know, I know, you'll say but your friends would NEVER do that that, which is ridiculous by the way. This kind of black and white thinking is so unhelpful and so stupid.
OP, this is a sticky situation and I'm sorry you're finding yourself in it. I sympathize with not wanting to lose a friend but also not wanting to have anything to do with her situation. I think you've done the right thing and if she wants to lash out at you and accuse you of being morally superior, then ok. You can distance yourself and then decide if you want to be there for her when this all falls apart.
Anonymous
03/12/2025 07:59
Subject: Disagree fundamentally with friend in sticky situation
Anonymous wrote:I wonder about your own character, OP. Associating with people like these.
I am pretty sure you are friends with someone who has cheated and you just don't know it.
Anonymous
03/12/2025 07:59
Subject: Disagree fundamentally with friend in sticky situation
Anonymous wrote:Er, what kind of character traits do you look for in friendships?
I would only put up with this person if it were someone in my family. No friendships of volition would entertain this sort of behavior.
Worse than a skank.
Not OP but I know people who have cheated who can still be good friends. Also, I don't think someone is born a cheater and that's an inherent part of them their whole life. Finally, I don't think your ability to be a friend and the fact that you cheat are mutually exclusive. I'm not a cheater and I definitely do not think it is ok (I'd never forgive my husband if he cheated on me), but I also think your vision is very immature and simplistic. Also, why would you tolerate it in a family member? You're speaking out of both sides of your mouth. If you're going to claim the moral high ground at least be consistent about it.
Anonymous
03/12/2025 07:56
Subject: Re:Disagree fundamentally with friend in sticky situation
My friend had an affair BUT it was with a single man and she and her husband had no kids. I wouldn't say I condoned it, but I was also able to let it go. This situation is different and I'd have a harder time with it.
I guess you need to decide whether you can support your friend in other aspects of her life and not this one or whether you just need to let her know that this is too big of a hurdle to get over. Honestly, having to listen to her talk about the guy or even complain when he doesn't spend enough time with her, etc. would probably drive me crazy to the point that I'd say I can't be friends with her while she's engaging in this relationship or dealing with the aftermath of it.
I do have a friend whose husband is a jerk and an alcoholic and I've been able to support her through leaving him, getting back with him, getting pregnant, having an abortion, leaving him, and then getting back together with him (they are together now and have had a second kid). I dislike him intensely and I think she'd be much better off without him but it's not my call so I am just there to support her and whatever decisions she makes because it's her life to live and not mine. But an affair is different to me.
I guess you need to decide whether you can support your friend in other aspects of her life and not this one or whether you just need to let her know that this is too big of a hurdle to get over. Honestly, having to listen to her talk about the guy or even complain when he doesn't spend enough time with her, etc. would probably drive me crazy to the point that I'd say I can't be friends with her while she's engaging in this relationship or dealing with the aftermath of it.
I do have a friend whose husband is a jerk and an alcoholic and I've been able to support her through leaving him, getting back with him, getting pregnant, having an abortion, leaving him, and then getting back together with him (they are together now and have had a second kid). I dislike him intensely and I think she'd be much better off without him but it's not my call so I am just there to support her and whatever decisions she makes because it's her life to live and not mine. But an affair is different to me.
Anonymous
03/12/2025 07:15
Subject: Disagree fundamentally with friend in sticky situation
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I wonder about your own character, OP. Associating with people like these.
Because all your friends are perfect, just like you, and nobody ever made a dumb decision, not even the once.
Cheater got triggered.
Never cheated, never would. Just tired of the sanctimommy posts that add nothing to the discussion. You wonder about OP's character because her friend is cheating? What about your character? Because at least one of your friends has cheated, or is cheating right now. They've also lied, probably stolen, broken their word...
Attacking the OP because her friend is making a mistake is a pretty high horse to ride in on.
You do protest too much.
Agreed. Frankly, this is not a mistake. This “friend” is an evil cancer who is ruining a family.
Anonymous
03/12/2025 07:10
Subject: Disagree fundamentally with friend in sticky situation
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I wonder about your own character, OP. Associating with people like these.
Because all your friends are perfect, just like you, and nobody ever made a dumb decision, not even the once.
Cheater got triggered.
Never cheated, never would. Just tired of the sanctimommy posts that add nothing to the discussion. You wonder about OP's character because her friend is cheating? What about your character? Because at least one of your friends has cheated, or is cheating right now. They've also lied, probably stolen, broken their word...
Attacking the OP because her friend is making a mistake is a pretty high horse to ride in on.
You do protest too much.
Anonymous
03/12/2025 05:40
Subject: Disagree fundamentally with friend in sticky situation
I think if you refuse to listen to anything about this relationship, the friendship will naturally fizzle out. IMHO, this guy will never leave his wife and 2 children. She is delusional if she thinks otherwise.
Anonymous
03/12/2025 03:53
Subject: Disagree fundamentally with friend in sticky situation
I always wondered who these woman were that did this sort of thing and then as I aged I realized they were all friends with each other and that's why I didn't know them. I met a group of women though a personal interest where a few of them dated married men and others had drama of similar issue. Dating people 3 times divorced with two baby mommas etc. After about 3 months of hearing these stories I left the group. There was only so much drama I could take and I didnt want to compromise my own beliefs by being around them and trying to be pleasant. Where does this road end for you? How do you judge your own behavior here?
Anonymous
03/12/2025 03:46
Subject: Disagree fundamentally with friend in sticky situation
That's a good comparison.