Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it odd this is in Adult child forum while technically an adult she is a teen and this started when she was a teen.

Yeah, I think this is indicative of how this child has been treated in the house for years (as one whose life is going well and shouldn't have any reason to complain).

OP, I'm the adult child of a parent who spent decades caring for a mentally ill sibling, and was never allowed to seek out care because my life was so "normal and fine."

I'm in the 40s and I can still barely look at my mother and can't stand to be in the same house as her. It's very stressful and keeps me from feeling like I can freely pursue happiness.

To suggest that OP neglected her daughter because she was busy caring for another child with higher needs is unfair. One of my children has special needs and we are friends with lots of families who have a child with special needs, plus neurotypical children (who all have had their moments as well). They're all teens now and young adults now. NOT ONE OF THEM has behaved like OP's daughter. We have given careful thought to balancing our children's needs, and our neurotypical kids all understand how difficult that tightrope is, sometimes. None of them resent the time that we, and other parents, have had to devote to their needier siblings. My neurotypical child has a medical condition that requires extra care, so actually, both our children need caregiving beyond that which a child, healthy in mind and body, would need.

I find it terrible that you would directly blame the mother for everything, without even knowing OP personally or extending her the courtesy of believing what she said: to wit, that her daughter had a very typical childhood. If OP was lying her head off, she wouldn't be posting, would she? Maybe OP does not realize that her parenting has been lacking, in which case you can only be helpful if you ask her to examine the past with honesty.

Reading her posts, I think OP sounds reasonable. I hope her daughter comes around, and shares what exactly is bothering her. Maybe it's just a really severe case of soiling the nest. Maybe it's something more nefarious, such as a mental health issue.

OP does sound reasonable, but that doesn't mean that her daughter's perspective of things is very different from OPs. And I do agree that the phrasing of calling her an adult child does make me wonder if this has a lot to do with it.

Interesting to me that the dad gets a pass here. It’s really depressing that no matter what, it’s usually blame mom.

Anonymous wrote:Still no response about how much time you’ve spent with the childhood special needs versus this daughter.

Also, I’m surprised your therapist hasn’t talked to you about this already. What does your therapist say?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot imagine having my adult children not talking to me, but sitting in my house thinking I am right. How sad is that? I would ask my child how I would need to change to make our relationship work. I would say I am sorry. I would say that I am willing to do what it takes to move past this, and have a relationship. I would listen to my child and take the blame. After all, my child is telling me what she feels and that is important to me. I would be humble. I would lose my ego. I would listen without arguing back. I wouldn't throw other people (her therapist, her siblings, teachers, etc.) in her face. That would push her further away from me. It would effectively be saying, "I'm right, you're wrong, and I'm coming armed with outside ammunition to try to prove that I'm right." And it wouldn't be surprising at all if my child no longer wanted anything to do with me after I showed her I am unwilling to humble myself and make amends.

This perspective assumes that the child is 100% right and the parent is 100% wrong, which is most likely not the case. It almost seems like permissive parenting, but of an adult child instead of a toddler. I don't think OP should be a doormat.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot imagine having my adult children not talking to me, but sitting in my house thinking I am right. How sad is that? I would ask my child how I would need to change to make our relationship work. I would say I am sorry. I would say that I am willing to do what it takes to move past this, and have a relationship. I would listen to my child and take the blame. After all, my child is telling me what she feels and that is important to me. I would be humble. I would lose my ego. I would listen without arguing back. I wouldn't throw other people (her therapist, her siblings, teachers, etc.) in her face. That would push her further away from me. It would effectively be saying, "I'm right, you're wrong, and I'm coming armed with outside ammunition to try to prove that I'm right." And it wouldn't be surprising at all if my child no longer wanted anything to do with me after I showed her I am unwilling to humble myself and make amends.

This perspective assumes that the child is 100% right and the parent is 100% wrong, which is most likely not the case. It almost seems like permissive parenting, but of an adult child instead of a toddler. I don't think OP should be a doormat.

Anonymous wrote:I cannot imagine having my adult children not talking to me, but sitting in my house thinking I am right. How sad is that? I would ask my child how I would need to change to make our relationship work. I would say I am sorry. I would say that I am willing to do what it takes to move past this, and have a relationship. I would listen to my child and take the blame. After all, my child is telling me what she feels and that is important to me. I would be humble. I would lose my ego. I would listen without arguing back. I wouldn't throw other people (her therapist, her siblings, teachers, etc.) in her face. That would push her further away from me. It would effectively be saying, "I'm right, you're wrong, and I'm coming armed with outside ammunition to try to prove that I'm right." And it wouldn't be surprising at all if my child no longer wanted anything to do with me after I showed her I am unwilling to humble myself and make amends.

Anonymous wrote:OP again -

First - thank you to everyone for your responses.

Yeah - even when you try to do things opposite of your own parents, sometimes it still doesn't work out.

Regarding the word "pathetic" - I am not sure why she chose this word. I used to work as an attorney but then I became a SAHM because my other child has special needs. At this point, we have not communicated in at least 3-4 months. Recently, I had a birthday and not even a "happy birthday" text. Initially, I thought that this was a phase, but the situation is persisting even 1-2 years later. When the situation first started, we didn't even have a fight - just a normal day.

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think she chose the word "pathetic?" Do you have a career? Were you a SAHM? Do you ever stand-up to her? If my sons treated me that way, there's absolutely no way I wouldn't speak up for myself and tell them that I absolutely do not deserve what they're dishing out. My guess is she feels like a plain Jane and now somehow wishes she'd had it harder to give her an edge or something. Don't accept her critcisms about giving her stress free childhood. She's ridiculous.

Anonymous wrote:I cannot imagine having my adult children not talking to me, but sitting in my house thinking I am right. How sad is that? I would ask my child how I would need to change to make our relationship work. I would say I am sorry. I would say that I am willing to do what it takes to move past this, and have a relationship. I would listen to my child and take the blame. After all, my child is telling me what she feels and that is important to me. I would be humble. I would lose my ego. I would listen without arguing back. I wouldn't throw other people (her therapist, her siblings, teachers, etc.) in her face. That would push her further away from me. It would effectively be saying, "I'm right, you're wrong, and I'm coming armed with outside ammunition to try to prove that I'm right." And it wouldn't be surprising at all if my child no longer wanted anything to do with me after I showed her I am unwilling to humble myself and make amends.

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think she chose the word "pathetic?" Do you have a career? Were you a SAHM? Do you ever stand-up to her? If my sons treated me that way, there's absolutely no way I wouldn't speak up for myself and tell them that I absolutely do not deserve what they're dishing out. My guess is she feels like a plain Jane and now somehow wishes she'd had it harder to give her an edge or something. Don't accept her critcisms about giving her stress free childhood. She's ridiculous.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it odd this is in Adult child forum while technically an adult she is a teen and this started when she was a teen.

Yeah, I think this is indicative of how this child has been treated in the house for years (as one whose life is going well and shouldn't have any reason to complain).

OP, I'm the adult child of a parent who spent decades caring for a mentally ill sibling, and was never allowed to seek out care because my life was so "normal and fine."

I'm in the 40s and I can still barely look at my mother and can't stand to be in the same house as her. It's very stressful and keeps me from feeling like I can freely pursue happiness.

To suggest that OP neglected her daughter because she was busy caring for another child with higher needs is unfair. One of my children has special needs and we are friends with lots of families who have a child with special needs, plus neurotypical children (who all have had their moments as well). They're all teens now and young adults now. NOT ONE OF THEM has behaved like OP's daughter. We have given careful thought to balancing our children's needs, and our neurotypical kids all understand how difficult that tightrope is, sometimes. None of them resent the time that we, and other parents, have had to devote to their needier siblings. My neurotypical child has a medical condition that requires extra care, so actually, both our children need caregiving beyond that which a child, healthy in mind and body, would need.

I find it terrible that you would directly blame the mother for everything, without even knowing OP personally or extending her the courtesy of believing what she said: to wit, that her daughter had a very typical childhood. If OP was lying her head off, she wouldn't be posting, would she? Maybe OP does not realize that her parenting has been lacking, in which case you can only be helpful if you ask her to examine the past with honesty.

Reading her posts, I think OP sounds reasonable. I hope her daughter comes around, and shares what exactly is bothering her. Maybe it's just a really severe case of soiling the nest. Maybe it's something more nefarious, such as a mental health issue.

OP does sound reasonable, but that doesn't mean that her daughter's perspective of things is very different from OPs. And I do agree that the phrasing of calling her an adult child does make me wonder if this has a lot to do with it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it odd this is in Adult child forum while technically an adult she is a teen and this started when she was a teen.

Yeah, I think this is indicative of how this child has been treated in the house for years (as one whose life is going well and shouldn't have any reason to complain).

OP, I'm the adult child of a parent who spent decades caring for a mentally ill sibling, and was never allowed to seek out care because my life was so "normal and fine."

I'm in the 40s and I can still barely look at my mother and can't stand to be in the same house as her. It's very stressful and keeps me from feeling like I can freely pursue happiness.

To suggest that OP neglected her daughter because she was busy caring for another child with higher needs is unfair. One of my children has special needs and we are friends with lots of families who have a child with special needs, plus neurotypical children (who all have had their moments as well). They're all teens now and young adults now. NOT ONE OF THEM has behaved like OP's daughter. We have given careful thought to balancing our children's needs, and our neurotypical kids all understand how difficult that tightrope is, sometimes. None of them resent the time that we, and other parents, have had to devote to their needier siblings. My neurotypical child has a medical condition that requires extra care, so actually, both our children need caregiving beyond that which a child, healthy in mind and body, would need.

I find it terrible that you would directly blame the mother for everything, without even knowing OP personally or extending her the courtesy of believing what she said: to wit, that her daughter had a very typical childhood. If OP was lying her head off, she wouldn't be posting, would she? Maybe OP does not realize that her parenting has been lacking, in which case you can only be helpful if you ask her to examine the past with honesty.

Reading her posts, I think OP sounds reasonable. I hope her daughter comes around, and shares what exactly is bothering her. Maybe it's just a really severe case of soiling the nest. Maybe it's something more nefarious, such as a mental health issue.

OP does sound reasonable, but that doesn't mean that her daughter's perspective of things is very different from OPs. And I do agree that the phrasing of calling her an adult child does make me wonder if this has a lot to do with it.