Anonymous
Post 02/10/2025 13:38     Subject: what happens when Dad abandons the family and Mom is left to handle everything, but doesn't want it either?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why did these bozos have THREE kids?

No one goes into a marriage thinking that the man is going to have a midlife crisis and leave the wife and kids for the AP.... well, most people don't.

But, when marriages do break up, most of the times, it's the moms who get stuck with raising the children by herself, while the deadbeat dads see the kids once in a while and barely offer any financial help.


I went into a marriage thinking this way, sadly, because I watched it happen to a loved one. I saved aggressively for college, starting at the birth of each child so I wouldn't be left cash-flowing college as a single parent someday. I'm still married, and my anxieties have little to do with DH. I don't think all women need to be like me, but I do believe all women who get married and have kids need to consider that this is a real possibility and plan for the future of themselves and their kids accordingly. My friend in this situation already had a nanny because her ex was useless during their marriage, too, and because they had had one for so long, she got a 50% contribution from the ex toward the nanny's salary, in addition to child support. One small thing that helped.


Per the courts in Virginia, men only have to pay roughly $400 per month per child. Good luck getting a nanny and paying for housing and food with that.

FALSE.
Virginia is like almost every other state. They have a formula that takes into account income for all parties involved, spousal support payments, daycare expenses for the child, healthcare insurance for the child… So if a non- custodial parent has minimal income, the child support is low. If they are the ones paying for health insurance directly, their child support will be reduced by that amount. Please don’t throw out a number like that is the rule. Educate yourself. https://www.dss.virginia.gov/family/dcse/obligation_calculation.cgi


Also my comment was related to the minimum required which is probably even lower than that. The state does not step in if the man can't pay or if they don't have a job.
Anonymous
Post 02/10/2025 13:36     Subject: what happens when Dad abandons the family and Mom is left to handle everything, but doesn't want it either?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why did these bozos have THREE kids?

No one goes into a marriage thinking that the man is going to have a midlife crisis and leave the wife and kids for the AP.... well, most people don't.

But, when marriages do break up, most of the times, it's the moms who get stuck with raising the children by herself, while the deadbeat dads see the kids once in a while and barely offer any financial help.


I went into a marriage thinking this way, sadly, because I watched it happen to a loved one. I saved aggressively for college, starting at the birth of each child so I wouldn't be left cash-flowing college as a single parent someday. I'm still married, and my anxieties have little to do with DH. I don't think all women need to be like me, but I do believe all women who get married and have kids need to consider that this is a real possibility and plan for the future of themselves and their kids accordingly. My friend in this situation already had a nanny because her ex was useless during their marriage, too, and because they had had one for so long, she got a 50% contribution from the ex toward the nanny's salary, in addition to child support. One small thing that helped.


Per the courts in Virginia, men only have to pay roughly $400 per month per child. Good luck getting a nanny and paying for housing and food with that.

FALSE.
Virginia is like almost every other state. They have a formula that takes into account income for all parties involved, spousal support payments, daycare expenses for the child, healthcare insurance for the child… So if a non- custodial parent has minimal income, the child support is low. If they are the ones paying for health insurance directly, their child support will be reduced by that amount. Please don’t throw out a number like that is the rule. Educate yourself. https://www.dss.virginia.gov/family/dcse/obligation_calculation.cgi


Their formula is among the lowest in the Nation. Massachusetts and Maryland are four times higher.
Anonymous
Post 02/10/2025 13:35     Subject: what happens when Dad abandons the family and Mom is left to handle everything, but doesn't want it either?
You get a college student or two to move into spare rooms and give them free room and board in exchange for so many hours of child care and possibly some other times around the house. But you do not give your children away because you don't feel like parenting. WTF?
Anonymous
Post 02/10/2025 13:34     Subject: what happens when Dad abandons the family and Mom is left to handle everything, but doesn't want it either?
Anonymous wrote:OMG.. poor kids. Like I keep saying, most men should not have kids. They can't handle the responsibility.


I know PLENTY of women who should not have children, PLENTY. This is not just a man thing.
Anonymous
Post 02/10/2025 13:30     Subject: what happens when Dad abandons the family and Mom is left to handle everything, but doesn't want it either?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why did these bozos have THREE kids?

No one goes into a marriage thinking that the man is going to have a midlife crisis and leave the wife and kids for the AP.... well, most people don't.

But, when marriages do break up, most of the times, it's the moms who get stuck with raising the children by herself, while the deadbeat dads see the kids once in a while and barely offer any financial help.


I went into a marriage thinking this way, sadly, because I watched it happen to a loved one. I saved aggressively for college, starting at the birth of each child so I wouldn't be left cash-flowing college as a single parent someday. I'm still married, and my anxieties have little to do with DH. I don't think all women need to be like me, but I do believe all women who get married and have kids need to consider that this is a real possibility and plan for the future of themselves and their kids accordingly. My friend in this situation already had a nanny because her ex was useless during their marriage, too, and because they had had one for so long, she got a 50% contribution from the ex toward the nanny's salary, in addition to child support. One small thing that helped.


Per the courts in Virginia, men only have to pay roughly $400 per month per child. Good luck getting a nanny and paying for housing and food with that.

FALSE.
Virginia is like almost every other state. They have a formula that takes into account income for all parties involved, spousal support payments, daycare expenses for the child, healthcare insurance for the child… So if a non- custodial parent has minimal income, the child support is low. If they are the ones paying for health insurance directly, their child support will be reduced by that amount. Please don’t throw out a number like that is the rule. Educate yourself. https://www.dss.virginia.gov/family/dcse/obligation_calculation.cgi
Anonymous
Post 02/10/2025 13:19     Subject: what happens when Dad abandons the family and Mom is left to handle everything, but doesn't want it either?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why did these bozos have THREE kids?

No one goes into a marriage thinking that the man is going to have a midlife crisis and leave the wife and kids for the AP.... well, most people don't.

But, when marriages do break up, most of the times, it's the moms who get stuck with raising the children by herself, while the deadbeat dads see the kids once in a while and barely offer any financial help.


I went into a marriage thinking this way, sadly, because I watched it happen to a loved one. I saved aggressively for college, starting at the birth of each child so I wouldn't be left cash-flowing college as a single parent someday. I'm still married, and my anxieties have little to do with DH. I don't think all women need to be like me, but I do believe all women who get married and have kids need to consider that this is a real possibility and plan for the future of themselves and their kids accordingly. My friend in this situation already had a nanny because her ex was useless during their marriage, too, and because they had had one for so long, she got a 50% contribution from the ex toward the nanny's salary, in addition to child support. One small thing that helped.


Per the courts in Virginia, men only have to pay roughly $400 per month per child. Good luck getting a nanny and paying for housing and food with that.

? VA is not for lovers. They don't seem to love children. WTF is wrong with VA?
Anonymous
Post 02/10/2025 13:02     Subject: what happens when Dad abandons the family and Mom is left to handle everything, but doesn't want it either?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why should Mom (or her Mom) be forced/guilted into/expected, etc to raise the kids.
Why not the Dad? Can court force dad to stick around? to be a 50% parent?
Dad likes to "pretend" he's a good dad to his out of town family and co-workers, but he's not


I think it’s ridiculous that a man can run off and abandon his responsibilities and no one really seems to blink, but when a mother voices thus, she is a terrible person. Frankly, they are both terrible and dads should be held more accountable for the commitments they have made. I look at moms with 3+ kids and I wonder what will happen when the dad suddenly decides he’s not into it anymore?


Nah- people do notice! But men are expected to pay child support and the mom is supposed to be the primary care giver (per society, not necessarily what should happen). Anything less and people talk. I know plenty of people who denigrate men who don't step up and do 50% care while divorced and/or don't pay child support.

Agree. I know I look down on every-other-weekend dads.
Anonymous
Post 02/10/2025 13:01     Subject: what happens when Dad abandons the family and Mom is left to handle everything, but doesn't want it either?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why did these bozos have THREE kids?

No one goes into a marriage thinking that the man is going to have a midlife crisis and leave the wife and kids for the AP.... well, most people don't.

But, when marriages do break up, most of the times, it's the moms who get stuck with raising the children by herself, while the deadbeat dads see the kids once in a while and barely offer any financial help.


I went into a marriage thinking this way, sadly, because I watched it happen to a loved one. I saved aggressively for college, starting at the birth of each child so I wouldn't be left cash-flowing college as a single parent someday. I'm still married, and my anxieties have little to do with DH. I don't think all women need to be like me, but I do believe all women who get married and have kids need to consider that this is a real possibility and plan for the future of themselves and their kids accordingly. My friend in this situation already had a nanny because her ex was useless during their marriage, too, and because they had had one for so long, she got a 50% contribution from the ex toward the nanny's salary, in addition to child support. One small thing that helped.


Per the courts in Virginia, men only have to pay roughly $400 per month per child. Good luck getting a nanny and paying for housing and food with that.


That stinks. We're not in Virginia, but in our state, both parents have to split the cost of child care (outside of child support), and my friend had had a nanny for over 5 years before her divorce, so based on precedent, she got to keep the nanny and her ex has to pay half. It was a small win for her.
Anonymous
Post 02/10/2025 12:58     Subject: what happens when Dad abandons the family and Mom is left to handle everything, but doesn't want it either?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why should Mom (or her Mom) be forced/guilted into/expected, etc to raise the kids.
Why not the Dad? Can court force dad to stick around? to be a 50% parent?
Dad likes to "pretend" he's a good dad to his out of town family and co-workers, but he's not


I think it’s ridiculous that a man can run off and abandon his responsibilities and no one really seems to blink, but when a mother voices thus, she is a terrible person. Frankly, they are both terrible and dads should be held more accountable for the commitments they have made. I look at moms with 3+ kids and I wonder what will happen when the dad suddenly decides he’s not into it anymore?


Nah- people do notice! But men are expected to pay child support and the mom is supposed to be the primary care giver (per society, not necessarily what should happen). Anything less and people talk. I know plenty of people who denigrate men who don't step up and do 50% care while divorced and/or don't pay child support.
Anonymous
Post 02/10/2025 12:56     Subject: what happens when Dad abandons the family and Mom is left to handle everything, but doesn't want it either?
I get it, this is a rough situation! DH is wonderful, does 50% and is such a good dad and husband. But if he weren't there, I don't think I could deal. He often travels for 1-2 weeks at a time and I start to lose my mind. I get overstimulated, touched out and very cranky. I would never have had kids if it meant I had to be a single mom. If dh were to leave me... I'd likely get a nanny and my parents would step up more (they're already active in all the fun parts). Antidepressants too.
Anonymous
Post 02/10/2025 12:50     Subject: what happens when Dad abandons the family and Mom is left to handle everything, but doesn't want it either?
Anonymous wrote:Why should Mom (or her Mom) be forced/guilted into/expected, etc to raise the kids.
Why not the Dad? Can court force dad to stick around? to be a 50% parent?
Dad likes to "pretend" he's a good dad to his out of town family and co-workers, but he's not


I think it’s ridiculous that a man can run off and abandon his responsibilities and no one really seems to blink, but when a mother voices thus, she is a terrible person. Frankly, they are both terrible and dads should be held more accountable for the commitments they have made. I look at moms with 3+ kids and I wonder what will happen when the dad suddenly decides he’s not into it anymore?
Anonymous
Post 02/10/2025 12:50     Subject: what happens when Dad abandons the family and Mom is left to handle everything, but doesn't want it either?
It sucks when one person unilaterally decides they want a fresh start and becomes a dead beat parent. That is unfair to the spouse and the children.
But yes, the non-Shitty spouse (usually the woman) ends up with all the responsibility. It’s a tough life. No one gets married and imagines that 10 years later they’re going to be stuck being a single parent with three kids.
Anonymous
Post 02/10/2025 12:45     Subject: what happens when Dad abandons the family and Mom is left to handle everything, but doesn't want it either?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Foster care is not going to take these kids.


Actually, there are boarding schools like the Milton Hershey school where parents sign over custody and kids live at the school for free, get college endowment, healthcare, live like kings basically. So the option exists. Infants- 16 admissions.

That being said, if neither parent wants them - look into Milton Hershey school or similar. It’s an option, and they encourage kids to visit parents frequently and maintain close relationship.

I lived near MHS and have friends that are house parents. MHS takes children in need - it’s not a boarding school for UMC parents in a mid life crisis.
Most of the kids come from horrible backgrounds- sexual abuse, watch parents die from opioids, etc.
Anonymous
Post 02/10/2025 12:43     Subject: what happens when Dad abandons the family and Mom is left to handle everything, but doesn't want it either?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Every time married women are having kids, they should only have the number of kids that they can raise if they have no husband.

So, one or two is the limit for most. Why are these women breeding like sows?

Stop it. Any responsibility for the dad? Or is that just 1 big part of male privelege?


Well, why are women not upping and leaving the dad and kids? No one is stopping them. Or surrendering the kids to the state? No one is stopping them. Drowning them in a bathtub seems to be the only alternative their insect brain can think of.

And sorry, are they being raped and forced to bear kids for breeders? They should be sensible and not have more than one or two kids and that too if everything is good. If you have redflags in the relationship, then do not have kids with them.

What kind of trauma bonding is making them have sex with these losers and then popping out kids?

I'm pretty sure in this instance there was no red flag until the dad hit a midlife crisis.

"Why aren't women upping and leaving the dads and kids"? Because women tend to have more connections to their children than men do, as evidence by the number of dead beat dads.

But, I do agree that women should never rely on a man for finances. Make sure you can take care of yourself should anything happen in a marriage. I've seen too many instances of deadbeat dads. Might be a good idea to have a prenup around having kids.
Anonymous
Post 02/10/2025 12:38     Subject: what happens when Dad abandons the family and Mom is left to handle everything, but doesn't want it either?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Every time married women are having kids, they should only have the number of kids that they can raise if they have no husband.

So, one or two is the limit for most. Why are these women breeding like sows?

Stop it. Any responsibility for the dad? Or is that just 1 big part of male privelege?


Well, why are women not upping and leaving the dad and kids? No one is stopping them. Or surrendering the kids to the state? No one is stopping them. Drowning them in a bathtub seems to be the only alternative their insect brain can think of.

And sorry, are they being raped and forced to bear kids for breeders? They should be sensible and not have more than one or two kids and that too if everything is good. If you have redflags in the relationship, then do not have kids with them.

What kind of trauma bonding is making them have sex with these losers and then popping out kids?