He’s just a kid. I trust that so many people in his life are super focused on how smart he is and how great it is that he’s in a top college (you even mentioned it here) so much that they forget that part of the experience should be to have friends, go out, make mistakes and start building a life independent of parents.

He was reaching out to share his feelings, and unfortunately, you turned it all to how “lucky” he is to be smart - when all he wanted was to share something and feel less lonely, which he feels already.

He is depressed and you made him feel more alone

Anonymous wrote:He’s on the spectrum right?

What makes you say that?

When I was his age I thought my feelings and circumstances were unique and no old person could possibly understand. Don’t worry op, you did what you could, it’s honestly his parents fault they pushed him ahead.

He’s on the spectrum right?

Because you told him he was jealous of his friends, compared his situation due to age to your situation due to academic performance (which is loaded with your own self judgment) and projected it onto him.

You took up all the space and decided for him how he felt and what it is comparable to.

You could have said “I’m so sorry. I remember feeling lonely in college. College gets so hyped but it is also a hard time with many growing pains.” And then just listened to him.

If you did mention your college experience it would have been best to say “I remember feeling very lonely in college. This is quite different but all my friends went to a few schools together and I went to one by myself. They continued to hang out together but I really struggled to make friends. Eventually I met xyz. Don’t give up and hang in there.”

Communication takes mindfulness and a gentle finesse with how you frame things.

Anonymous wrote:I have a bright nephew who skipped a grade in elementary school and is now a 20-year-old senior at a top university. We spoke over the phone the other night and he confided in me that he’s been feeling very lonely these past few months, because all his friends are 21 and have going to bars without him every weekend.

I told him I was sorry to hear that, which I truly am, but I also feel I can relate. I was the only one of my friends from high school, as well as among my siblings, not to get accepted into an elite college. I can understand exactly the feelings of jealousy and loneliness my nephew is experiencing. When I pointed this out to him, he told me I can’t possibly know how he feels, and immediately hung up on me.

What’s your definition of an elite college? My son didn’t go to an elite college but he’s 31 yo and already worth tens of millions as an entrepreneur and most likely makes more than most graduates of elite colleges. No one cares where you go to school.

Main-character narcissist. It’s all about you. All roads lead back to you. No one can tell an experience or share a story without it coming back to you. They are but planets to your sun.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe his friends are ditching him because he’s a jerk.

+1 I find it strange that he's in his fourth year of college and all his friends are 21 and he can't seem to figure out how to make new friends.

I find it odd that he's in his 4th year of college, all his friends are 21 and he doesn't have a decent fake ID.

Sorry I said the wrong thing. I got caught up in my own stuff. It definitely sucks not being able to go out with your friends. I love you and am always here for you.


This ^^^^^

Anonymous wrote:The better way to answer would have been to suggest alternative locations where his 21+ friends could drink but he could also join. A bowling alley, a restaurant, an 18+ music club, etc.

😂😂😂

Anonymous wrote:I think you should call or text and say something like — hey, I’m sorry that I couldn’t give you the right support last night when we talked. Just want to say I love you and am here for you if you want to vent more. I know it’s a hard situation for you. Love you!

IMHO, you both took a little bit of a wrong turn but it’s better to just move on from it.

This doesn't sound like a true apology. The aunt needs to take the high road.

Sorry I said the wrong thing. I got caught up in my own stuff. It definitely sucks not being able to go out with your friends. I love you and am always here for you.

The better way to answer would have been to suggest alternative locations where his 21+ friends could drink but he could also join. A bowling alley, a restaurant, an 18+ music club, etc.

Anonymous wrote:I find often very bright young folks have a kind of superiority from their mastery of the tools for modern age (digital natives) that they come to any other discussion with serious chip. Other societal values are minimized (like family history)

Think about it: in no other time did experience and years on earth not relate to an advantage older adult.

Digital tools level the field - and my take is he had no sense of history - specifically yours - that mirrored his (felt narcissistic hit/cognitive dissonance/hung up).

Oh look, AI has entered the chat.

Anonymous wrote:Not getting into an elite college is nothing like being dissed by your friends. College acceptance is based on your performance. By comparing the situations it’s like saying being dissed is his fault.

This. You also had the opportunity to make friends and go out drinking with your friends at whatever university you ended up at, it's not like you couldn't have a social life just because of where you got into school.

It's clear why you didn't get into an elite university, OP, you're not very smart