Anonymous
02/09/2025 16:11
Subject: parents want to stay in their house "as long as they can" but are no longer safe at home
Sometimes no plan and or indecision IS the plan. Dealing with this now with my ILs. MIL diagnosed with progressive cognitive impairment but FIL won’t push for further testing or diagnosis and instead thinks he can DIY her care to save money.
Meanwhile they live in a moderately sized 3 level colonial style ho e that is jam packed with a lifetime’s worth of belongings and just now are making “attempts” to “go through closets” but not making any significant progress and don’t need any help, thanks. I’ve tried.
DH going along with it all and in huge denial.
Meanwhile I have overseen and handled all aspects of my grandparents and then parents moving from lifetime homes to CCRC where each died - probably a grand total of 13 years but what do I know?
Meanwhile they live in a moderately sized 3 level colonial style ho e that is jam packed with a lifetime’s worth of belongings and just now are making “attempts” to “go through closets” but not making any significant progress and don’t need any help, thanks. I’ve tried.
DH going along with it all and in huge denial.
Meanwhile I have overseen and handled all aspects of my grandparents and then parents moving from lifetime homes to CCRC where each died - probably a grand total of 13 years but what do I know?
Anonymous
02/09/2025 15:01
Subject: parents want to stay in their house "as long as they can" but are no longer safe at home
You have to just move them to AL. That needs to be the beginning and end of the conversation.
Anonymous
02/03/2025 12:24
Subject: parents want to stay in their house "as long as they can" but are no longer safe at home
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Your parents won't be safe in assisted living either. This idea that assisted living is safer etc is just a marketing ploy.
Of course they have not converted to one floor living. They are old and need your help.
You need to cover the house to one floor living.
Move their bed downstairs. Put a gate on the stairs. Make sure their downstairs bathroom is wheelchair accessible.
Make the upstairs bedrooms habitable for you to stay in so you can visit frequently
+1
Things we have done for our parents
- Get nestcam (CCTV) installed at their home that you monitor every day.
- Ring cam
- Convert master bathroom tub into a walk-in shower with seating
- Grab bars in the bathrooms, including the powder room.
- Home Lift.
- Grab bars for stairs. Slip proof strips on stairs
- Dash cams on their cars.
- Electronic payments for all bills
- Pay for a cleaner who comes every 3 weeks. Send the money to the cleaner by Venmo.
- Pay for the lawn mowing person. Pay by Venmo.
- Solar panels
- Fence around the house, Motion detector lights around the house.
- Programs lights to be switched on and off in the main areas of their home.
Make sure that you are going to their place to make sure that they are getting medical care.
My dad would never tolerate this level of interference. I don’t know about OP’s.
I think this is an excuse. Why would parents become intolerant when you are paying for it and also when you have a good relationship and bonding with them?
Not the person you are responding to, but you seem to live in a bubble. Lucky, you if your parents aren't rigid and difficult. With my mother, no good deed goes unpunished.
Anonymous
02/03/2025 12:23
Subject: parents want to stay in their house "as long as they can" but are no longer safe at home
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Your parents won't be safe in assisted living either. This idea that assisted living is safer etc is just a marketing ploy.
Of course they have not converted to one floor living. They are old and need your help.
You need to cover the house to one floor living.
Move their bed downstairs. Put a gate on the stairs. Make sure their downstairs bathroom is wheelchair accessible.
Make the upstairs bedrooms habitable for you to stay in so you can visit frequently
+1
Things we have done for our parents
- Get nestcam (CCTV) installed at their home that you monitor every day.
- Ring cam
- Convert master bathroom tub into a walk-in shower with seating
- Grab bars in the bathrooms, including the powder room.
- Home Lift.
- Grab bars for stairs. Slip proof strips on stairs
- Dash cams on their cars.
- Electronic payments for all bills
- Pay for a cleaner who comes every 3 weeks. Send the money to the cleaner by Venmo.
- Pay for the lawn mowing person. Pay by Venmo.
- Solar panels
- Fence around the house, Motion detector lights around the house.
- Programs lights to be switched on and off in the main areas of their home.
Make sure that you are going to their place to make sure that they are getting medical care.
My dad would never tolerate this level of interference. I don’t know about OP’s.
Not the person you are responding to, but you seem to live in a bubble. Lucky, you if your parents aren't rigid and difficult. With my mother, no good deed goes unpunished.
I think this is an excuse. Why would parents become intolerant when you are paying for it and also when you have a good relationship and bonding with them?
Anonymous
02/03/2025 10:22
Subject: parents want to stay in their house "as long as they can" but are no longer safe at home
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Your parents won't be safe in assisted living either. This idea that assisted living is safer etc is just a marketing ploy.
Of course they have not converted to one floor living. They are old and need your help.
You need to cover the house to one floor living.
Move their bed downstairs. Put a gate on the stairs. Make sure their downstairs bathroom is wheelchair accessible.
Make the upstairs bedrooms habitable for you to stay in so you can visit frequently
+1
Things we have done for our parents
- Get nestcam (CCTV) installed at their home that you monitor every day.
- Ring cam
- Convert master bathroom tub into a walk-in shower with seating
- Grab bars in the bathrooms, including the powder room.
- Home Lift.
- Grab bars for stairs. Slip proof strips on stairs
- Dash cams on their cars.
- Electronic payments for all bills
- Pay for a cleaner who comes every 3 weeks. Send the money to the cleaner by Venmo.
- Pay for the lawn mowing person. Pay by Venmo.
- Solar panels
- Fence around the house, Motion detector lights around the house.
- Programs lights to be switched on and off in the main areas of their home.
Make sure that you are going to their place to make sure that they are getting medical care.
My dad would never tolerate this level of interference. I don’t know about OP’s.
I think this is an excuse. Why would parents become intolerant when you are paying for it and also when you have a good relationship and bonding with them?
Anonymous
02/03/2025 10:11
Subject: parents want to stay in their house "as long as they can" but are no longer safe at home
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP again. I know the neighbors. I have their phone numbers. Parents are in the same home for many decades. Some of the neighbors date back to my childhood ( I babysat their kids), and some are newer. Several would be happy to help in a pinch.
Of course. Most neighbors are happy to help anyone in a pinch. The problem is, the "pinches" start becoming a 3-4 time a week (or even more) thing.
The other problem is many seniors become selfish and mean which then burns a bridge between neighbors. Neighbors might be willing to help the friendly senior neighbors but not once they start yelling and are confused.
When my son takes out the trash cans he also goes across the street to take out an elderly neighbors trash. Next door to that senior live an elderly couple. One day the daughter of that couple saw my son taking out the trash cans and asked if he could take out the elderly couple’s. My son stammered something and came home. I had to go over and tell the woman her parents absolutely not. Her ostente haven’t been kind to us.
Anonymous
02/03/2025 08:05
Subject: parents want to stay in their house "as long as they can" but are no longer safe at home
OP, good for you. Having BTDT, I am a huge fan of continuing care communities. We made the decision for our widowed father when he was in the early stages of Alzheimers; he would not have left his home of 40+ years by choice but his diagnosis meant his license was taken away and that forced a change. He was actually so much happier when he moved into the CCRC - he was a very social person and he loved all the social opportunities. It was also a godsend when he had a medical crisis - he was moved seamlessly to higher levels of care as he needed it.