Anonymous wrote:OP, I only have sympathy. It's a similar dynamic in my family, only my sister gets way more than 2-3 times the attention. My mother was always bitter I existed and told me so--my mother had me at 20 and is the reason she married my dad. My sister was the planned, wanted child, born 6 years after me. I left home for college and made my own life.

But my mom also lamented "losing" me and was determined not to do so with my sister. The result is they're terribly co-dependent and enmeshed. My sister stayed close for college. My sister married, moved away, and then had a kid at 23. My mother divorced my father to follow me sister. My sister happily took advantage that. My mom needs to be needed, my sister fulfills that. Meanwhile, my sister wants to live a carefree life (my sister has since divorced), and my mom makes that very easy for her.

Eight years ago, we moved and my mom lives about 30 minutes closer to me and has to pass my exit to get to my sister. And yet.....nothing. I used to try and rationalize it, but I couldn't when my husband was ill and I desperately needed my mom to watch my kid so I could be at the hospital with him. But she couldn't, because she promised my sister she'd paint her living room. It drove home to me that I didn't matter, and so I decided she had shown me who she was and I should believe her.

I pulled back dramatically after that. She's never noticed. It's been freeing. I no longer chase after her, and I no longer feel guilty for not jumping when she says jump. But it was a brutal road to get here.

Anonymous wrote:OP- I’m wondering if your mom is spending more time with your sister because she “makes her feel bad/guilty” and you make it a point not to. The squeaky wheel & all that.

Anonymous wrote:
At one point you'll tell them both to their face that since your mother still spends the bulk of her time with your sister, she will also be looked after by said sister in her old age.

And follow through.

Anonymous wrote:She spends probably 2-3x time with my sister. Every time it happens I tell myself all the potential logical reasons why that aren’t she just doesn’t love me as much (my sisters kids are older so time with them is calmer, I have more of a social network so my mom feels less need to fill a social need for me, etc etc) but despite trying to logic myself into not being hurt by it, it still always really hurts and makes me really sad

That all - no question, I’m just sad bc I my mom just casually told me they don’t have much time for my family this summer bc they already planned 3 weeks of visits and travel with my sisters family

Honestly I get why your mom avoids you. You seem exhausting to be around. You think you are a better than everyone else. Obviously your family prefers to not be around you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a great group of friends. It’s time to focus more on your family and friends and not worry so much about your parents and extended family.

Do you actually want to spend more than a week in the summer with your parents?

Is your sister divorced? Are you? It sounds like there is more to this dynamic.

If it was me, I’d really drop the rope with them. They just aren’t that in to you and your kids. And that’s ok. Focus on the people who are.

Neither of us are divorced, we strangely both have husbands with pretty significant mental health issues (that don't hugely impact visits and do in roughly the same way) - which is probably part of the dynamic now that i think about it. Neither of us get the adult support or partnership you typically would from a spouse, both our marriages are very one sided support so maybe we each look for that mutually supportive adult relationship more with our mom than typical. I don't turn to her with my problems (she's never been great with emotional stuff and I worry of creating a negative/downer tone to our interactions) but could overweight wanting to feel important and like a priority to her b/c my husband is incapable of prioritizing anything beyond his own needs

Historically no I didn't want more than a week with them but I am really acutely feeling the clock ticking down on their good time so do want to make the most of it. I have a flexible and remote job some more time with them doesn't come at a cost of other trips (they also live in a great summer spot and are fun when they visit us so a week with them doesn't feel like a drag)