OP, your MIL sounds like a jerk. Next time she starts in about 20 minutes being so far away (??!!) just tell her “20 minutes is nothing. That’s not the reason John doesn’t come to see you and you aren’t close with the kids. It has nothing to do with me and everything to do with you.”

My in laws live about five minutes away but after realizing my MIL is weirdly obsessed/enmeshed with my husband (our therapist has called it inappropriate on many occasions) and cannot accept that his wife and children should be his priority over her, I have gone completely no contact with his side of the family (my kids are also no contact right now for a number of reasons). I think we’ll eventually settle in grey rock territory at some point.

Anonymous wrote:Both sets of parents live 20-30 min away. We see mine weekly and they babysit regularly (overnight as well) and are the extra set of drivers for kids activities. In-laws are a decade older so not as much energy and I can't leave the kids with them. They used to do after school bus pickup once a week and we would do dinner then. Now we go to them once every two weeks for brunch. DH sees them on his own as well and we see them more regularly in the summer.

Did I write this? Mine is the same except more like 15 - 20 mins away. MIL still drives older DC to an activity once a week and typically stays for dinner after. We see my parents 2x a week on average, maybe more. We’re very lucky.

My M-in-Law lives about 10 minutes from us. My spouse is an only child and my M-in-Law moved here to be closer to her grandkids.

Having her here has been a big help - she moved here when my DS was in 5th grade and DD was in 2nd grade. She would come over and meet them after school each day and in many cases get them dinner or to their practices.

So, seeing her everyday back then. Now, DS is a college freshman and DD is a HS soph. M-in-Law has pretty much stopped driving. Dealing with some health related issues. We still see her pretty frequently to help with stuff at her townhouse or have her over for a Sunday brunch or dinner a few times a month.

She still will watch out pets for us either at her place or will stay over at our house.

Anonymous wrote:So curious about why people are talking about not getting babysitting, even now they are talking about whether their grown kids were babysat when they were younger. Why is that part of a questions about how often visiting happens? Is it an unconscious transactional arrangement such that they go together in people’s heads?

It not transactional for us. It's that when they spend time on their own with the kids, they build their own relationship and the kids want to spend time with them so it's not hard to choose to go see grandparents over another activity. even my older in-laws who never really got on the ground with my kids as babies and played, read them books, showed them toys they had left over from DH. Now kids are ES and it's easier as they all play cards and dominoes together and bake etc. it's about having an unforced pleasant time and making a good memory for everyone.

Both sets of parents live 20-30 min away. We see mine weekly and they babysit regularly (overnight as well) and are the extra set of drivers for kids activities. In-laws are a decade older so not as much energy and I can't leave the kids with them. They used to do after school bus pickup once a week and we would do dinner then. Now we go to them once every two weeks for brunch. DH sees them on his own as well and we see them more regularly in the summer.

Anonymous wrote:So curious about why people are talking about not getting babysitting, even now they are talking about whether their grown kids were babysat when they were younger. Why is that part of a questions about how often visiting happens? Is it an unconscious transactional arrangement such that they go together in people’s heads?

My in-laws don’t even really want to interact with the kids when we are there. They want to talk to the adults about adult things and want the children to be seen and not heard. The result is that my teen shave zero desire to go over there, because there is nothing to do but sit on their phones. Most of the time I just let them stay home unless it’s a holiday or birthday or something.

My in-laws live about 20 minutes away and are wonderful people. I probably see them monthly but would love to see them more. Second marriage and they are a breath of fresh air compared to my first set. I adore them.

Anonymous wrote:So curious about why people are talking about not getting babysitting, even now they are talking about whether their grown kids were babysat when they were younger. Why is that part of a questions about how often visiting happens? Is it an unconscious transactional arrangement such that they go together in people’s heads?

PTSD. Being commanded to be with them whenever they wanted, all on their terms, without a single consideration given in exchange. No loving offers to help or lend support, making it impossible to want to be around them. They made it transactional simply by being selfish, narcissist jerks. It sticks with you.