Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all of the responses, they've been very helpful. To answer some questions: I'm almost 6 months, so probably too late for an abortion. He *very* much wanted/wants the baby even though it was a surprise.

I spoke with him about it and told him it was unacceptable how he reacted and how unhappy I've been feeling, that it feels like I'm walking on eggshells and it's unsustainable. He cried at the idea of me leaving and apologized that he overreacted, and said that he would be better.

Then this morning he got extremely upset because it’s been maybe 4-5 days since we had sex, and he was shouting about it and saying how he couldnt live this way. So yes, it’s a theme that he gets very upset and emotional and kind of unable to self regulate, which I really hate. I’m not sure what to do because I do feel very stuck with my current physical condition. I love that he's emotional and vulnerable at times but then other times I feel completely stretched to my limit and almost traumatized because it feels like it's *always* something

I’ve been in your shoes with the accidental pregnancy and emotional boyfriend/husband.

My biggest regret is staying with him. We did stay married for a few years, and towards the end when he could tell I was checked out and getting ready to leave, he DID change. But by then it was too late.

Getting upset over sex is not okay. You’ll have to go at least 6 weeks without it postpartum, and it’ll be years before you have the time and energy to get back to 3 times a week or whatever he is expecting.

Are you near family? You have until the baby is born to move wherever you want. If you’re not near family, I would move to be with them. Let your fiancé know he needs a solid 2-3 years of therapy to address his outbursts.

You either go through the pain of ending things now, or years from now when you’re tired of him and you see how his outbursts affect your child (they will).

Another option is to move and tell him you had a miscarriage. I have a friend who did that and honestly it was the best decision. She eventually remarried and her new husband, who is wonderful, unofficially adopted her son as her own.

Listen to the PP above who has been in your shoes. Deal with this breakup now, not later. Call on your family and friends to support you however you need support.

I have to say though that the final paragraph is very, very risky territory, Claiming a miscarriage and suddenly moving far enough away he won't look for you? That is asking for a truly epic clusterf**k if the father later finds out the mother lied and another man has legally adopted a child when the bio father did not give up parental rights. I get it. I'd want to do the same, in certain circumstances; however, while it might have worked for PP's friend, if the bio dad ever finds out his child exists and wants to do anything about that fact -- a lot of people will be in a world of hurt and possibly legal/custody problems, too.

OP, please, tomorrow, start planning to leave. Don't procrastinate. If you and he are financially entangled, talk to a lawyer and also a financial planner (banks often provide this service for free) about how to disentangle your finances. If you have joint accounts he could clean them out--do you have your own money in only your name? In short, plan as if it's a divorce you have to spring on him but only once you have the financials worked out and a place to go. Which has to be very soon since your baby could come any time after the next two months, if baby arrives early. You want to be broken up well before that happens.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all of the responses, they've been very helpful. To answer some questions: I'm almost 6 months, so probably too late for an abortion. He *very* much wanted/wants the baby even though it was a surprise.

I spoke with him about it and told him it was unacceptable how he reacted and how unhappy I've been feeling, that it feels like I'm walking on eggshells and it's unsustainable. He cried at the idea of me leaving and apologized that he overreacted, and said that he would be better.

Then this morning he got extremely upset because it’s been maybe 4-5 days since we had sex, and he was shouting about it and saying how he couldnt live this way. So yes, it’s a theme that he gets very upset and emotional and kind of unable to self regulate, which I really hate. I’m not sure what to do because I do feel very stuck with my current physical condition. I love that he's emotional and vulnerable at times but then other times I feel completely stretched to my limit and almost traumatized because it feels like it's *always* something

I’ve been in your shoes with the accidental pregnancy and emotional boyfriend/husband.

My biggest regret is staying with him. We did stay married for a few years, and towards the end when he could tell I was checked out and getting ready to leave, he DID change. But by then it was too late.

Getting upset over sex is not okay. You’ll have to go at least 6 weeks without it postpartum, and it’ll be years before you have the time and energy to get back to 3 times a week or whatever he is expecting.

Are you near family? You have until the baby is born to move wherever you want. If you’re not near family, I would move to be with them. Let your fiancé know he needs a solid 2-3 years of therapy to address his outbursts.

You either go through the pain of ending things now, or years from now when you’re tired of him and you see how his outbursts affect your child (they will).

Another option is to move and tell him you had a miscarriage. I have a friend who did that and honestly it was the best decision. She eventually remarried and her new husband, who is wonderful, unofficially adopted her son as her own.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all of the responses, they've been very helpful. To answer some questions: I'm almost 6 months, so probably too late for an abortion. He *very* much wanted/wants the baby even though it was a surprise.

I spoke with him about it and told him it was unacceptable how he reacted and how unhappy I've been feeling, that it feels like I'm walking on eggshells and it's unsustainable. He cried at the idea of me leaving and apologized that he overreacted, and said that he would be better.

Then this morning he got extremely upset because it’s been maybe 4-5 days since we had sex, and he was shouting about it and saying how he couldnt live this way. So yes, it’s a theme that he gets very upset and emotional and kind of unable to self regulate, which I really hate. I’m not sure what to do because I do feel very stuck with my current physical condition. I love that he's emotional and vulnerable at times but then other times I feel completely stretched to my limit and almost traumatized because it feels like it's *always* something

PP from above here. "He gets very emotional and kind of unable to self-regulate." Your words. OP, you need to cancel any wedding plans and tell him that unless he gets serious treatment for whatever mental issue he has, anxiety or dysregulation or past trauma or what the hell ever his issue is-- you will leave him. Make it an ultimatum. He will get furious about that but you need to be ready for his anger. Get names of doctors lined up, take him to the appointments so he won't back out or lie about going. You have three months to get him into serious treatment. Clock is ticking.

The childish tantrum over not having sex with a six months pregnant woman is truly horrible. Please recognize how bad that is. He'll be pestering you and crying for sex right after you've given birth. This is a truly bad situation, OP, and you need to stop accepting apologies and claims he'll "be better." He's a time bomb who will be, frankly, a terrible spouse and father, and though he wants the baby now -- will he resent baby once he thinks you "pay too much attention to the baby and not enough to me"??

No such thing as accidental pregnancy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It feels like he’s always getting upset about small things. For example, last night, I was just about to pop into the bathroom to get ready for bed, when a news report popped up about the UK grooming gangs that has been in the news lately. I was chatting to him about it, because he had never heard of it. Granted, I get it’s a bit of a depressing topic, but next thing I know he had stormed out and insisted on sleeping on the couch because “I don’t want to hear about this before I go to bed”. I get that, in retrospect, I should have maybe kept it to myself and just gotten ready for bed. But I honestly didn’t think it, and, in any case, it feels like I have to walk on eggshells around him, that he’s not good at managing his emotions and freaks out over the smallest things. Unfortunately I am (accidentally) pregnant so leaving isn’t so easy, but I’m afraid when we have a child together it will be a million times worse. I’m not sure if this kind of thing, a guy who always seems upset, is a legitimate red flag or I’m just suffering from pregnancy hormones. And if it is really bad, then IDK whether I should leave now or wait till after the child arrives

Before you started "chatting" did you gague if he was in a chatty mood? In life we don't just have to start talking and assume that just because we are talking those around us have to take it in right then and there.

NP. The bold above is "walking on eggshells" territory.

Having to weigh, before you open your mouth every time, whether your spouse might storm off, get upset, whatever -- that's the very definition of walking on eggshells. In a healthy relationship, the person who doesn't want to talk "then and there" can use their grown-up words and (as an earlier PP put it) say "Can we talk about this tomorrow" or I'd say, "Whoa, I get it's interesting but can we talk about it in the morning?"

OP, people here are getting way too caught up in the specific example you gave. Not actually the point at all. It's just ONE example of what you say clearly is an much larger, ongoing issue with his touchiness, anger, getting "set off," your walking on eggshells and having to wonder when or where he'll get upset at you. That is NOT healthy. At all. And it's not on you, to be honest. A marriage should be the one relationship where if you have a thought about something, you can express it and be heard, or at least be told kindly and honestly and maturely, "That's too tough a subject for bedtime." Your fiance is not mature and will get worse with the stress of a young child in the home--picture, OP, how he will react to living 24/7 with a being that has no filter, can't walk on eggshells, but charges at everything full-tilt and doesn't really understand "no" for a very long time? This is a recipe for eventual divorce--which puts your kid in his hands 50 percent of the time after a divorce. You need to reconsider both the marriage and the pregnancy if it's not too late. Have a child with him and you are tied to him for the rest of your life. Your entire life. Eggshells. And the child will learn the terrible lesson of having to keep quiet around daddy or daddy gets mad.

what is his family like? Does he have a healthy employment history?

OP here. Thank you for all of the responses, they've been very helpful. To answer some questions: I'm almost 6 months, so probably too late for an abortion. He *very* much wanted/wants the baby even though it was a surprise.

I spoke with him about it and told him it was unacceptable how he reacted and how unhappy I've been feeling, that it feels like I'm walking on eggshells and it's unsustainable. He cried at the idea of me leaving and apologized that he overreacted, and said that he would be better.

Then this morning he got extremely upset because it’s been maybe 4-5 days since we had sex, and he was shouting about it and saying how he couldnt live this way. So yes, it’s a theme that he gets very upset and emotional and kind of unable to self regulate, which I really hate. I’m not sure what to do because I do feel very stuck with my current physical condition. I love that he's emotional and vulnerable at times but then other times I feel completely stretched to my limit and almost traumatized because it feels like it's *always* something

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It feels like he’s always getting upset about small things. For example, last night, I was just about to pop into the bathroom to get ready for bed, when a news report popped up about the UK grooming gangs that has been in the news lately. I was chatting to him about it, because he had never heard of it. Granted, I get it’s a bit of a depressing topic, but next thing I know he had stormed out and insisted on sleeping on the couch because “I don’t want to hear about this before I go to bed”. I get that, in retrospect, I should have maybe kept it to myself and just gotten ready for bed. But I honestly didn’t think it, and, in any case, it feels like I have to walk on eggshells around him, that he’s not good at managing his emotions and freaks out over the smallest things. Unfortunately I am (accidentally) pregnant so leaving isn’t so easy, but I’m afraid when we have a child together it will be a million times worse. I’m not sure if this kind of thing, a guy who always seems upset, is a legitimate red flag or I’m just suffering from pregnancy hormones. And if it is really bad, then IDK whether I should leave now or wait till after the child arrives

Before you started "chatting" did you gague if he was in a chatty mood? In life we don't just have to start talking and assume that just because we are talking those around us have to take it in right then and there.

Gmafb. Adults who are not in a chatty mood say so and their partner respects them enough to back off. What you are encouraging is for the OP to continue to try to interpret his moods instead of for the adult man to use his big boy words to set a boundary when he doesn’t want to hear something upsetting.

OP, people aren’t perfect, but his behavior is not normal and will be really hard to navigate long term.

he went to go sleep on the couch. OP sounds like a huge drama queen.

Flouncing to sleep on the couch instead of using your words to set a boundary with your partner is about as dramatic as it gets.

Anonymous wrote:I would strongly suggest you abort before the new administration gets sworn in and you are trapped in this nightmare. Do it today.

+1

Unless you are too far along or you would not mind being a Single Mother.

Your fiancé’s reaction to what you were speaking of is very extreme in my opinion.

I mean, to storm out of the bedroom over that…..??! 🤨
His was an odd reaction.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your years living w/someone who has you walking on eggshells all the time??
Your life will be filled w/anxiety at all times & trust me - that is no way to continuously live.
Or for your child for that matter.

I would have a heart-to-heart w/your fiancé + let him know how you feel.
If after informing him of your feelings, he still continues w/this extreme behavior then no one would blame you for leaving him…..

Is this you too? https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1248234.page

Do you frequently share stories about sexual abuse or other bad behavior with your significant other and he flips out?

How long have you been together?

This is such a bad topic to read or discuss right before bed.

Obviously this is one side of the story. My guess is that you got pregnant and engaged before knowing each other fully. The both of you need help.

Leave immediately. You don't want to marry a Princess.

I would strongly suggest you abort before the new administration gets sworn in and you are trapped in this nightmare. Do it today.

Why is OP so interested in child rapes on a different continent that her phone is pinging her with updates at bedtime?